88: When You Still Hate Your Ex and It’s Been Years | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word JOIN to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. It's time for Superwoman Win and Superwoman Fail. You guys know why I share this, right? If not, if you're listening for the first time, go back and listen to some other episodes. I usually explain why I share my Superwoman Win and my Superwoman Fail. So my win, I used dog shampoo on my hair and it worked just as good as any other shampoo I've used. So why did I use it? Because my son I love him. God love him. He's leaving my home in a month or so. He has a habit of, quote, borrowing my stuff. And my win is that instead of getting out of the shower soaking wet and running downstairs cold, half dressed with a towel around me to go in his bathroom to find the stuff that he took out of my bathroom, I saw the dog shampoo. Oh, that's great. next to the tub, 'cause I had actually bathed our dog in my shower like a week ago, and I left it there, and I was like, hmm, and I used it, and it worked. It was really great. So now I know that dog shampoo and human shampoo are interchangeable. I have curly hair. My dog has curly hair. Now I know someone's going to write me and they're going to explain that they are not interchangeable, and they're going to tell me why, and I will appreciate all of that knowledge, but— It was a win for me because it worked. Maybe the fail is that I don't keep my son's bathroom stocked well with all of his products, but then again, I tell him, look, I'm not going in your bathroom checking for inventory all the time. You gotta let me know. Okay, so my real fail is I decided to let the pool take the place of the bath for my daughter a couple times last week, and reality is she's swimming, you know, I'm like, hey, the chlorine's cleaning her off, but really I should be washing the chlorine off of her because I know those chemicals are not Not good. And reality, I was tired. And if you need to judge me for that, I totally get it. But she's my 5th kid, so I'm kind of a little bit past judgment. But I did do that. I do feel a tad bit guilty, but she's had a bath since then, a shower actually, I think. And she's actually doing very well. Thank you for asking. Okay, so onto the topic. When you still hate your ex and it's been years. I really wanted to talk about this today because I deal and work with so many people and sometimes going through divorce. Obviously in difficult marriages, blended families, and this stuff comes up. And so I wanted to talk about it today. So we've all been there, most of us anyway. It's been months, it's been years, maybe it's even been decades. You broke up and you just can't stop hating him. Here's the tough love. I'm throwing it in early. I really do plan on giving some softer love as I keep talking about this, but he didn't do anything to you that you didn't allow him to do. And let me tell you why. When somebody does us wrong and we immediately get them out of our lives, when we get out of the situation, we actually feel good. We feel good that we stuck up for ourselves. It doesn't linger and we are done with them. But when someone does us wrong and we stay and we stay and we stay until we finally manage to work up the courage to leave, there's some lingering that goes on. But it's just as much about ourselves as it is about him. Some of it's anger about the time lost. Some of it's, you know, anger about why we allowed it to go on so long. And some of it's just downright righteous indignation. I'll definitely give you that. But let me tell you something. There is a very, very thin line between love and hate. And no, that's not just a song or a movie or a book. And I'm sure there's been a song, movie, and book by that title. It really is a reality. Yeah. If you still hate him, you are still in a toxic relationship with him. Yes, you are still in relationship with him. And sometimes our anger is actually a way that allows us to continue to stay connected. Sometimes we imagine that our anger is hurting them somehow, and that if we hold onto it, they'll be hurt by it, or they'll finally see how horrible they were and they'll change because they see our anger. When we're not even interacting with them sometimes. It doesn't make sense, but sometimes we think that. Whatever the reason, today, right now, it's time to finally let that go. It's time to break up. And I might've said this before, I know I say it a lot, but in my experience as a therapist, divorce never happens when the papers are finalized. Yeah, the papers make it legal, but divorce happens sometimes years before The legal divorce. And divorce sometimes happens years after and sometimes never. Don't be the sometimes never. You will not move on in a healthy way. You will not have a healthy relationship if you are still in an emotional relationship with your ex. You can't be a woman of strength when you're holding onto that stuff. You just can't. I had a conversation with a client a couple of days ago about forgiveness. And I asked her, do you even want to forgive your husband? And in the course of the conversation, I realized, we both came to realize that she thought forgiveness and trusting him again were the same thing. And when she finally realized that she can forgive him and still not trust him because he hadn't earned the trust yet, it freed her up. And she was like, oh. Because she was holding on to that forgiveness because she was scared to trust him. Now you know what kind of man your ex is. You may even know that you can't trust him with a 10-foot pole in between you, but you can still free yourself of the anger towards him because that's a gift to yourself, not him. You know that. So here's the difficult truth. Your anger is hurting you. And if you have kids, it's hurting your kids too. I know this can be hard to hear. I've been there. So I know I have clients Who may be so angry at their exes that they'll deny visitation or otherwise figure out a way to impede the relationship that their exes have with their children. Okay. So how do you get this man out of your head? This man that you might still have to see every week at drop-off or who keeps popping up on your social? How? First, you need to stop looking for closure. Stop trying to understand or make sense of someone else's behavior. That never works. You only see their behavior through your lens. And if you did those things, it would mean whoever knows what it would mean, X, Y, and Z. Maybe you would never in a million years do those things, but you can't apply your behavior and your motivation to anyone else. You two broke up. That's all the closure you'll ever need in this world. And I have so many clients that will say, if I just understood why, then I'd be able to get over it. No, you wouldn't. That's a lie. If he told you right to yourself exactly why he did whatever he did, you wouldn't believe him. And I know this because I've had clients in my office and he or she will tell the other exactly why and they don't believe it. It's not enough. It will never be enough. Some things you will never understand. It helps me to know that all behavior makes sense in its context. So if you could fully know the context of your ex's life up until the day you broke up, it could possibly make sense to you. But since you can't, forget trying to make sense of it. It won't, I promise. Next, you gotta stop the negative self-talk. You guys know I'm all about our self-talk and getting control of it and knowing what you're saying. So you know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about all the names you call him in your head, all the negative things you say or think about him. Stop it. Just stop it. These only serve to help keep you engaged and angry. And most of the negative things that we say to ourselves are just not true. They're lies anyway, or at least they're severe stretches of the truth. If you find yourself saying, he always, he never, Those are not true. Those are global statements. It's very, very rare that those could ever be true because nobody ever or always. And don't even waste your time trying to change it to sometimes or often. When you find yourself thinking and talking negatively about him, say your name. Say your name out loud and tell yourself to stop. Then think of some positive things in your present life that you have to be grateful for. Even if you can't think of anything except the air you are breathing now, think and say something you have to be grateful for and focus on that. That's called thought distraction and replacement. Last, the grown-up thing to do is to look at your part. It's rare that a breakup is completely the fault of one person in the relationship. You both had that relationship together. You are not a blank slate. Sometimes you just didn't love yourself enough to demand to be treated well. We do teach people how to treat us. And maybe you have some forgiving of yourself to do. I experienced this early on in my marriage, and I finally had to recognize that I contributed to our difficulties in our marriage just as much as he did. Sometimes you were wrong. You were just wrong. You may have acted badly. You may have been immature. Learn the lesson so you don't have to repeat it. When you do the hard things and you turn the lens on yourself, It's harder to hold on to your anger. Women of strength do the hard things. It's time, girl. Do it for yourself. If you need some extra help getting over this guy, if you need some extra help with not allowing the anger to continue, reach out. The most loving thing you can do for yourself is to finally end the relationship with your anger and your ex. I know the anger has been your constant companion. I know it wasn't fair what happened, but you deserve to live. You deserve to live the rest of your life free from this. It's done. It's over. Now let your life reflect that. Think about some of the tips that I gave you in this episode. Work on them for the next couple of weeks. And if you are still struggling, Girl, go get some therapy. I promise you will not regret it. Go get some help. I promise your situation is not the unicorn. It is not the only one that can't be forgiven, that can't be moved past. If you're interested in working with me, hit me up. I love working with women, helping them get past hurdles like this in their life. So next up, real talk. So this is real talk where I answer questions from my listeners and I share some of my own musings. Uh, you can, Ask me some questions by emailing me at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. And this question was curated from my advice column, Ask Dr. Zoe, at thegritandgraceproject.org, a women's online magazine for strong women and those who want to be. Love that slogan. So the question was, Dr. Zoe, I have been in counseling for postpartum depression and anxiety for 9 months. I see myself making improvements in many areas. But I still struggle with anger when I'm feeling especially anxious. I know that addressing the anxiety is the ultimate solution, but do you have any tips on at least preventing anger as a reaction? I hate it when I snap at my husband, who is wonderful, or my sweet kids. So first of all, a big hand clap for getting treatment. That's so important. And I'm glad to hear that you're improving. Good job. And first, nothing's wrong with anger. Anybody listening out there, nothing is wrong with anger. It's a healthy feeling that tells us that something is wrong. So stop pushing it down. It's not gonna just go away on its own when you push it down. You only drive it inward, and anger turns inward, creates depression. You guys know that. So you gotta get it out. And you say you wanna prevent anger. Okay. So maybe you do, but what you really need to prevent is the unhealthy behavior of snapping at your husband and your kids. So you're probably barking up the wrong tree. Anger's not the problem. The behavior is the problem. And a lot of people make that mistake of blaming anger for bad behavior. They are 2 separate things. We'll often accuse somebody of having an anger problem or say that they made us do something, but no, it's not a problem with anger. It's an impulse control and behavior management problem. So when it comes to anger, instead, let's just look at its function in the moment and what information anger is telling you. So I can't tell you exactly why you're angry, but that's a question that you've got to ask for yourself. But I can explore some possibilities which might help you recognize what might be going on. First, there's nothing more anxiety-producing than being a new mom. And although it does get easier the second, Or the 5th time around. I remember how every single new baby tapped a deep-seated fear in me that I didn't even know could exist. Your love for that baby is so fierce, and you want to protect this new little life that you just created, your gift from God. Yet your brain makes up all the possible ways that the whole world is a threat to your child. And of course, on top of that, your life turns upside down for A minute, 4 years, you've got hormones. It's just a recipe for anxiety. And also, sometimes it's easy to feel resentment towards your husband, whose life might not have quite tipped in the same direction as yours, or at least not as much. And it certainly wasn't upended the same way it is for a woman, at least not that you can see. So when you're feeling anxious, it's usually about a lack of control. And so then you want to control your environment to get rid of the anxiety. And so naturally, anything that disrupts your feeling of control, like your child or your spouse's demands, can be seen as a threat to your safety. So you respond to that threat with anger. Now, both anxiety and anger then produce an adrenaline response in your body, and anger loves to hijack that adrenaline and use it. Anxiety makes you feel weak and out of control, but anger makes you feel powerful. So you choose anger. Kicking anxiety to the curb momentarily. Anger can actually become a coping mechanism, though, for anxiety, and it feels kind of good because it makes you feel powerful. But then you do stupid, hurtful things, and then the guilt rushes in, and the anxiety is then waiting there, right there for its turn. It's a vicious cycle. So what should you do with all of this? When you start to feel angry, tape your mouth shut. Figuratively, of course. If you say nothing, you will not regret what you said. Take a minute to step away and ask yourself, what is my anger telling me? Try not to judge it, just feel it. Then address what's wrong. Ask yourself if you feel empty. When you're empty, you need to recharge. If you find that you seem to feel the most empty at certain times of the day or during certain activities, prepare for that. Put some self-care activities in place to combat those feelings and fill yourself up. And maybe ask your husband to help you in that process. Because remember, if you're empty and you have nothing left to give, yet you still keep giving, what you are giving is not a gift. Rachel Norman said that from A Mother Far from Home. If you are empty and have nothing left to give, yet still keep giving, What you are giving is not a gift. So adjust your expectations. Sometimes we have expectations that the people who love us just can't possibly live up to. When you're able to see and accept that the people in your life are exactly who they've always been, when you can accept them for who they are and not what you wish they would be, your disappointment begins to fade. When your expectations line up with reality, then anger doesn't have a breeding ground, and then anger lessens as well. So I get all of this is totally easier said than done. All of these practices take time and effort, not that much time and effort, but you got to put in a little bit. The key is consistency with small changes, but I get that when you're already exhausted, the last thing you want to do is add more effort. So that means you have to take some time for yourself. You need to recharge in order to have the energy to even work on change to begin with. And you might be surprised at how quickly you recharge when you take the time daily to do it. If you're still struggling, reach out. You've got this. So thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays, so subscribe so you don't miss a show. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38467. Or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Feel free to hit me up on Instagram or Facebook at Dr. Zoe Shaw. I look forward to talking with you amazing women over the week, and have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.