89: How to Know If You’re the Difficult One and What to Do About It | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. My passion is helping women find their superpower, learn to embrace it, and share it with the world. Connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Today's topic is, are you the difficult one and what to do about it? But first up, of course, is my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. We just got back from a week-long trip to Nashville, Tennessee, where we kind of did a family reunion. It was really awesome. And I'm probably going to do a vlog about it, but it was a great time. But traveling with 6 people and trying to get 6 people ready to go where everybody needs to be with their luggage on time, It is crazy, crazy, y'all. And even though my kids are bigger, I swear it was easier when they were in strollers, when I could just plop them in a stroller, strap them down, I had them. Now I've gotta kind of keep track of them from afar. One of them's running into a store, another one's here, there. Anyway, it was crazy. So my fail is that as we were packing everything up and it was early morning and we were trying to get into the car so we could get to the airport on time, my 15-year-old son, Oh, no. was, you know, taking his luggage to the car. He got in the car, he was good to go. My 17-year-old son pulled up a bag from downstairs and he was starting to take it out. And I looked at him and I said, no, that one's empty, because my husband had bought a number of bags. And I thought the bag was empty. I told him not to take it out to the car. Everybody else's bags were out to the car. And so we get into the car, we get to the airport, we get to the parking lot, the shuttle takes us. Drops us off at the gate and my son says, my bag's not here. I'm like, what do you mean? He's like, my bag's not here. I said, did you put it in the car? Yeah, I put it in the car. I literally put him on a shuttle, tipped this guy so that he would take him back to the parking lot, come back, came back, still no bag. So we've got to go. Our plane is leaving and my son has the clothes on his back. It actually turned out okay because he's my easygoing one and we were at a timeshare. We bought him some extra clothes for the dinner cruise. I bought him some swim trunks. And he was good to go. We washed his clothes every day, so it worked out, but it was my fail because I told my son that bag was empty, and that particular bag was the very one that my son left. It's hard to keep track of 12 bags and 6 people traveling, y'all. That was a fail, but it worked. So my win, my most recent win is that I am killing it in the reading department. What I do know is that The most productive, influential, quote, successful people read a lot. And I have been trying to pick up my reading game. I've always been a big reader and a consumer, but, you know, the busier I get, the less I tend to read. And so I've been really diligent lately and I have read some amazing books. I think I'm gonna start a book section on my podcast, but I'm reading 2 books right now. One is Girl, Wash Your Face, which is really good. I think I might've mentioned it before, and the other one is Brendon Burchard's High Performance Habits. Great books. I'll talk about those later, but my win is that I am reading and devouring at least a book a week and very happy about that. And it's doable no matter how busy your life is. Audible makes it doable. And that's totally an advertisement for Audible. They're not paying me, but there you go. So onto the topic. I think I might've said earlier, maybe I didn't say it correctly, but the actual topic is how to know if you're a difficult person and What to do about it. So I wanted to talk about this today, and it's kind of a hard one cuz I mean, I'm calling you out if you're the difficult one, but you know, as a woman of strength, we have to know ourselves and it's important to know how we are in relationships, how we're showing up. Not everybody can be the innocent person in the relationship, right? Somebody's gotta be a difficult one. And so we can talk a whole lot about dealing with difficult people, but what if you are the difficult person? We gotta work on that. So I'm gonna ask you some questions, and I want you to try to answer them as honestly as you can. Part of being a woman of strength is being willing to face your deficits dead in the face and work on improving them. And yeah, there's been a lot of research that demonstrates that it's better to work on strengthening your strengths instead of wasting time and energy trying to strengthen your weaknesses. And for many reasons, that does totally make sense because you'll get further gains if you work on strengthening your strengths. But if you can't honestly be aware of your deficits, if you can't be aware of the way you are affecting those you're in relationship with, if you're not aware of how you're perceived, then you're doing yourself a disservice. So today we're going to look at whether you're the difficult one. Now, to be honest, I think all of us can be the difficult one at some point or another in a relationship. And sometimes we're the difficult one in some relationships and not others. But if you're always the common denominator, if things are always happening to you, it could be that you're the difficult one. So here's some questions that I want you to think about. Just kind of ponder these and then kind of answer them at the end. So do you notice that it's always difficult to track people down? Maybe they just don't respond to you like you think they should. You're trying to interact with them and they're not really all there, or they avoid you. Do you often feel slighted, like people tend to do you wrong? Has anyone ever told you that you're overly sensitive or too sensitive? Do people tend to misunderstand your good intentions? Now, this is a big one because sometimes you can be the passive difficult one. Where you expect others to respond in a certain way to your altruistic behavior. And then when they don't, you get super hurt and bent out of shape because you feel like you just got all these wonderful intentions and you're so good to everybody and people don't get you and they don't appreciate you. Sometimes that can be kind of the passive difficult one. Sometimes those people tend to be kind of martyrs, complain, that kind of thing. Do you feel like people often take advantage of you? Do you feel like you expect more from people than they're willing to give? Do you feel like you're often disappointed with their lack of response and understanding? Do you tend to think negatively, like globally negatively, about people or people in general? Do you find that you tend to look for negative or bad things to happen in relationships or in interactions? If you answer yes to most of these questions, then You're probably the difficult one. You're the common denominator. And I know this might be difficult to hear, but actually it's good news because once you've identified a problem and you can accept it, then you have a direction towards fixing it. And if you didn't answer yes to a lot of these questions, you're probably not the difficult one, but I'm still going to talk to you about ways to show up healthier in your relationship. So listen up. So what's a woman to do? I just told you that you might be the difficult one. You might feel that you're just being assertive. You want to assert yourself. You want to speak up. You want to speak your mind. You don't want to back down. You don't want people to take advantage of you. After all, of course you want to be a woman of strength, right? But some women confuse aggressiveness with assertiveness, and they are too Very different things. So assertiveness says, hey, I'm taking care of myself, but I recognize and I respect you too. Aggressiveness says, I'm taking care of myself and I don't care about you. Now, these aren't words that people say, but it's the energy, it's the tone, it's the way that you move and interact and talk with people that they get that message loud and clear. So how can we walk out this difference? Whenever you're communicating with someone, always attempt to put yourself in their shoes. How must they be feeling? What might they be thinking about? What is their experience? Ask yourself these questions, and sometimes it's hard for people who don't tend to put themselves in other people's shoes to answer them. And of course, you don't have the exact answer. You're imagining, and in imagining, you develop empathy. In imagining, you change that energy so that it's less just focused on you and more focused on— Them. Both of you. When we step outside of ourselves, even in the midst of sticking up for ourselves, we have better outcomes in relationships. When people feel connected to you, everything goes smoother. And usually the ironic part of it is that when you think of them, you tend to get what you want about— out of the relationship because it becomes reciprocal. So how do we connect with others? The biggest way is through vulnerability. You've gotta ask yourself, can I be vulnerable? So, you know, we were on the flight to Nashville. So we went to Nashville, we were on this flight. On the way back home from Nashville, we went through some of the worst terrifying turbulence I have ever experienced. And of course my entire family's on the plane and I'm thinking, this whole plane's going down with my whole family. I'm literally gripping the seat in front of me and I'm praying as the plane is just like pitching back and forth and it was like rolling. It felt like it was literally going to come apart. People were screaming on the plane. And the most terrifying part for me was that when the pilot came on the intercom, I was listening to his voice and the tone in his voice as he came on and he ordered the stewardesses to sit down and buckle up, he sounded stressed and scared. And that was the, that was the most scary part for me because I'm like, wait, you don't sound good. So obviously we got through the ordeal safely, but I was really struck, and of course I'm a therapist, so I always recognize this kind of stuff, but I was really struck by how quiet the plane was before the turbulence and then how chatty everyone was afterwards. I was sitting next to a stranger. I hadn't even spoken to the guy who was sitting next to me for an hour prior to this whole turbulence incident, but immediately afterwards we made eye contact. We both started talking about how scary that was. We started talking about our past experiences on airplanes, and we both shared a little bit about our lives, and then I started noticing everyone else on the plane, they were all talking away. And the funny thing is, my husband and I, we weren't sitting together. He said that the woman next to him actually gripped his hand and was holding his hand during the turbulence, of course, a stranger. And that's just a demonstration that we humans connect via our vulnerability. Our fear on that plane made us feel vulnerable, and our human desire for connection allowed us to reach out and be vulnerable with each And really what we were doing afterwards was debriefing, which is what mental health first responders help trauma victims do. But all of that debriefing made us feel comforted. It calmed us. It affirmed for us that we were in this thing together. It validated our feelings and our humanity. And so I ask, can you be vulnerable? Or do you feel that you have a difficult time sharing and connecting with others on a deeper level? True strength is being able to be vulnerable in our relationships, and not just when we're terrified. Wisdom, of course, is knowing with whom and how deep to go with our vulnerability. So if you notice that you're the difficult one, take that first step towards being vulnerable. Share a story, share a small part of yourself with someone you're in relationship with, and see how It opens them up. Now, the reality is, is that you may have difficulty in relationships because you've had life experiences that have led you to believe falsely that you have to protect yourself. Well, I say falsely, but then the thing about defense mechanisms is that you develop those defense mechanisms of having to protect yourself for good reason in that context, in those relationships. But when we try to generalize protective mechanisms, To other parts of our lives, it's not functional. So you've had life experiences that have made you believe that you have to protect yourself, that you shouldn't trust others, that you have to take care of yourself first. Now remember, I'm all about helping you develop strength here, and I'm here to tell you that using a defense mechanism that is no longer valid is a weakness. And anytime you find your self-talk being about how you don't really need other people and who cares about them, You're just lying to yourself. And that often is the basis of difficult people, is that they're really just trying to protect themselves from more pain. But we humans need each other. We're built for connection, and connection is scary sometimes, but it's the only method through which you can have what you're actually looking for in relationships. So first step, look honestly at yourself. And admit that okay, you might be the difficult one. Not the worst thing in the world. Take a step towards being vulnerable. Quit the negative self-talk. Now there's a lot more to do, and maybe I'll circle around to this topic again in the future. But for now, just start working on those things. Recognize it. Be vulnerable. Quit the self-talk. Now I've also developed a self-talk mindset program that can help you tackle your negative self-talk. If you're interested in that, contact me. But remember. This is not what I'm talking about today. This is not a fix it all at once. This is a life journey. If you need some help, reach out. Thanks for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your Mind in the Superwoman Game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.