91: How a Strong Woman Supports Her Man | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Hey there. Welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in clinical psychology. I'm a life and relationship coach and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. You can reach me or connect with me by texting the word JOIN to 38470, or just go to my website at drzoeshaw.com. Our topic for today is how a strong woman supports her man. So yeah, I'll be talking all about that right after I finish talking about my Superwoman wins and my Superwoman fail. I just have to say that this whole process of becoming more aware of my wins and my fails, because I know I'm going to be sharing them with you guys weekly, has actually helped me and made it easier for me to identify both. So thank you for being a part of that process. So my fail today is kind of a doozy, and it just happened last night. I flooded my neighbor's backyard. Ugh, I'm definitely not getting Neighbor of the Year Award. So what happened was our sprinklers broke, and we just got our sprinklers revamped, and I called the sprinkler guy and told him, listen, they're not working, and he asked me to go manually cut them on at the valve. I think that's what it's called. And so I did and got busy and forgot and left them on all night long. And I woke up at 5:30 this morning, and I don't think I looked outside. I think it just popped into my head, and I remembered I left the sprinklers on, and I ran to the window, and I looked outside, and our backyard was flooded. And I was upset, I was frustrated. I ran downstairs, I went outside, I shut the valve off, but it wasn't until like 10 minutes later when I was looking in my backyard from upstairs that I glanced at my neighbor's backyard. His yard was worse than mine. He lives below us, and there's like a little hill, and my water from my yard basically created a landslide in his yard, and all the debris and dirt from his hill— Went into his yard. was now covering his patio in the back. I was horrified. And so I just started texting him and telling him, listen, I'm so sorry, and this happened. Your backyard's a wreck. And when you wake up, call me. And apparently my text woke him up. Mind you, it's 5:30 in the morning. So I go back outside and I'm just looking, and here he is in the backyard surveying the damage. So now we're talking like over— The fence, and he is so gracious and so nice about it, but I feel like secretly he must be hating me. About an hour later, he was still out there shoveling mud and stuff from his patio, and I mean, of course I told him that we'll take care of it, let us know what his gardener's going to charge, but I just felt really bad. So there was my fail. I just plum forgot. So when I got to work today, I sent him a gift basket. As a I'm sorry, and hopefully it'll get there tomorrow. And I got to think of something else. Maybe you guys can come up with like a really great Christmas gift I can get them because I'm definitely kind of the neighbor from hell right now. If you have any ideas, shoot me a DM. Let me know. So my win, my win is related, which I'm starting to notice a pattern with my wins and fails, and I hope that you are as well as you evaluate your life and you look at your. Deficits and your strengths, you recognize that there's a flip side and they're related. So I was so upset because we already had all this plumbing issues and water payments and all this stuff from last month. And of course, this is going to be a huge bill. And so I was agitated and frustrated. And my win is that I sat down, took a deep breath, and I said, okay, Zoe, what do you need right now? What do you need to take care of yourself? And my answer was, I need to go on a run. So I literally put my shoes on, threw a t-shirt on, got my AirPods, and was out the door. And I honored what my body said I needed, 'cause I didn't plan on running that morning, but I know that for me, running is a huge stress reliever. And so my win is that when I was in the midst of all this angst, I sat and I asked myself, what do you need? And I answered. And I did it. And in the middle of my run, maybe just 15 minutes in, I stopped. It was a beautiful morning. I'm looking outside and I'm thinking, oh my gosh, I feel so good. Yeah, all that stuff is there. Yeah, it is what it is, but I feel really good. And maybe 5 minutes later, my husband calls me and he's like, are you all right? Because earlier I was getting ready to leave and he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm going for a run. He's like, why? I'm like, because I think I'm about to explode. And he was like, all righty then. But when he called, he just asked me if I was okay. And I said, yeah. And he's like, look, It's no big deal. Life happens. We make mistakes. We'll take care of it and just don't let it ruin your day. And I didn't. I've had a fabulous day. So when things are going really bad for you, when you're frustrated, angry, irritated, even when it's at yourself, stop, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, what do I need? Now I know it's not going to be a run for everybody. That's my thing. You have something else. Do your thing and take care of you. So on to the topic of the day, how a strong woman supports her man. I like that title, but I know some women may have some issue with it. I've had some criticism that my podcast was anti-feminist. And the truth is, I'm not anti-anything except hate. And it is true that I believe I've said clearly that I am not a feminist. But I don't have to be a feminist to believe in the immense strength and inherent equality of women, which I do. And I hope that my feminist sisters will listen to and be encouraged by my podcast because I am always about lifting up all women, no matter where you stand on the political pendulum, no matter your race, creed, religion. I have said multiple times that I am so thankful for the benefits that the feminist movement has created for us, for me, but I don't believe I have to completely align with it in order to recognize and appreciate the privileges that the movement has afforded me. So that being said, I believe that women of strength learn how to support their men without losing themselves, because let's be honest, ladies, our men need our support. And I believe that if you stand strong in your inherent strength as a woman, in many ways, I love that movie Steel Magnolias, and I've talked about it before because emotionally, women do tend to be stronger than men. And when I say emotionally, I'm talking about an inherent fortitude that women have, not our emotions, because we know we tend to be a little more dramatic and emotional, but we have this inherent fortitude that is stronger than men. And this is demonstrated by research in the NICU that if you have a baby who's in the NICU and she's a female, she's more likely to survive than if she's a male. There are plenty of times that women's strength has been proven and documented, and you've seen it, I'm sure, in your life. And I believe if you stand strong in your inherent knowledge of your strength as a woman, there's nothing demeaning, limiting, or belittling about being a strong support to your husband. And this was also a hard lesson for me because I swung the pendulum way in the direction of losing myself when I was young, you know, in my marriage when I was a teenager. And then I swung it way in the direction of forget you when I came to the realization of how much of myself I had buried. And maybe some of you can relate to that. But either end of the pendulum is always unhealthy, and we often make the mistake of swinging it way to the other side instead of finding the healthy balance. So if you're sitting on either end of the pendulum right now, I'm here to tell you a couple of things. Yes, you can support and not lose yourself. You deserve to be in a relationship of reciprocity where you're both getting your needs met. So men have certain very interesting needs that are similar to the needs of women, but still different. And here are some of the needs that men have and how you can meet them. Okay, so this is the stereotypical, they need their egos stroked. Yes, men have very fragile egos. Honestly, they just want to feel like your hero. Their invincible is your beautiful. They need frequent reassurance about their abilities, their worth, their attractiveness. Every single man in my practice tells me that they don't get enough of this from their wives, and it is a deep desire of theirs. Deep desire. So ladies, tell him, praise him. Let him know how strong he is. Tell him how great he looks in his clothes. Tell him how great he looks without his clothes. Notice that intelligent decision that he made and tell him how much you admire his brain. You won't make him cocky, I promise, any more cocky than he already is. You'll make him feel loved. He won't feel it's over the top and fake. Believe me, their radar for that is way low. He'll eat it up. That's his masculine love language. And the more you praise him, the stronger you will feel towards him because you're reaffirming this with yourself as well. Our self-talk is powerful, ladies. So say these things regularly to him. I'm proud of you. You're amazing. You're so strong. That was really great how you did whatever it was. He needs to hear it. And regularly find things to thank him for. He wants your approval. And here's the kicker, ladies. Practice keeping your mouth shut. Now, this is not a your needs don't matter, keep your mouth shut. This is a not everything needs to be said, keep your mouth shut. Believe me, I'm the first one to want to shout it out when my husband messes up. But the reality is that none of us are perfect. And yes, it's important to be authentic, and it's super important to speak your needs. But you don't have to point out every little mistake. Why? Because another need that husbands have— men have— is that they need to be loved with all their flaws. Yes, even when they don't stack the dishes correctly, or even when they say that really dumb thing to your friend, they have a deep desire to be loved despite their flaws. And they want to feel respected and appreciated and needed. Men equate respect with love. So what does that mean to respect your man? No, it doesn't mean that he's the police. It means that you let him know that you value what he has to say, that you value the way he moves in the world, his opinions, and who he is as a person. If he feels a lack of respect, he will distance from you. So tell him that you need him. Yes, it's true that no relationship will make you happy. If you aren't already happy, no relationship can do that for you. But we humans were made to be in connection with each other. We were made to be interdependent, and he needs to know that you need him in that way. Okay, the other big one, of course, is connection through sex. He needs you to connect with him through sex. Now, men seek intimacy through sex, and women seek intimacy through communication. I swear, when I get to heaven, I'm going to ask God why in the world he had to make this so ridiculously difficult. But for now, just know that this is a biological reality. And am I telling you to have sex with him all the time whenever he wants in order for him to connect with you? Nope. But you have to know that this dynamic is real and it's a real need for him. Of course, this does often lead to a sexual standoff. So you don't want to have sex with him until you feel emotionally connected to him, because it's hard for you to open up when you don't feel like you guys have been able to connect emotionally. And he's having difficulty connecting with you emotionally because you haven't had sex in a while. But here's the kicker. He doesn't always want to have sex with you. Sometimes he just wants to know that you're sexually available to him. So when he reaches out to you, he's desiring a body language from you that says yes. And sometimes that's enough because men do desire non-sexual physical touch just as much as they do physical touch. So how can you support that? Ask him what his needs are. How many times does he want to have sex per week? If you feel it's a crazy amount, then compromise, and he'll be excited, and he will feel totally cared for just because you were concerned enough to have this conversation with him. And now I personally also believe that scheduling sex is a fabulous idea, and no man that I've ever talked to about this has rejected it. It's usually the women in my practice that reject that, and usually it comes along with, "Well, that's not romantic," and if you have to schedule sex, I like it to be spontaneous, and it just takes all the romance out of it. But the reality is, is that we. We schedule tons of stuff in our life. Before you guys were married, you scheduled dating and that was still romantic, but you had to schedule it in order for you to get together to be together. So the whole concept of scheduling taking the romance out is just not true. You can schedule it and then you guys can both look forward to it all week or, you know, all day or whatever it is. The next is space. This is the most annoying to me, honestly, but it is true. It's the most annoying to me that men need space. So how can you support a man's need for space and still honor your need for intimacy? That, my dear friend, is all about communication. Recognize that he needs his time to go into his cave, or he needs to be quiet to process things. And when it comes to communication, men process it first and then say it. We women like to process it as we're saying it, 'cause that's the whole fun of processing it, or we feel like we get so much more out of it. So you have to recognize that he needs the space and you just gotta give it to him. But the compromise is that you talk about it, that you honor it, and you also make sure that your need for intimacy gets met too. So yeah, he's gonna go do his cave for 2 hours, but then you also wanna talk about, okay, when are we going to have our connection time? Make sure you're getting what you need too, but still honoring what he needs. Next, they need clear instructions. Clear. They need you to spell it out. And this is the second most frustrating thing for me, but if you can meet them at logic, they'll match your emotions. So sometimes things should just seem like it makes sense to you, like he should know. If you're ever thinking in your mind, he should know, I promise you, he doesn't. You have to let him know what you need, and you need to let him know in his language. You don't tell your husband, I need you to make me feel loved. That means nothing. You tell your husband what you need him to do. To make you feel loved. And when men get clear directions, it's like that map, man, they are on it. But that's how you can support your husband and what he needs to actually provide what you need. And yes, he needs you to not try to change him. There's that saying that a man marries a woman expecting her to stay the same, and she doesn't. And a woman marries a man expecting him to change, and he doesn't. So we both get to be disappointed, right? I think that we're kind of socialized to fix our men. We have this concept that they're going to finally understand us and get better instead of being socialized to accept that man for exactly everything that he is. Work on seeing the best in him and accepting him, because when a man senses that you're trying to change him, he Digs his heels in, you're not going to get what you want. Instead, focus on his good qualities, reinforce his good qualities with all those positive affirmations, and you will see those grow, which is kind of like changing him, but not. But you got to let him know that you love him exactly for who he is. And if your man is a dad, he needs affirmation of his fatherhood. Believe me, he's never going to do it like you. No one can do it like you. He's not you. So enough said. But he needs to know that you admire his fathering. And maybe you don't admire all of his fathering. Figure out what parts of his fathering you admire. Let him know that you think he's a good dad. Just like you need reassurance that you're a good mom— I know I do— he needs the same thing. That's how you can support him in your parenting and as a strong woman. Now, you might see similarities between his needs and yours. And yes, because when it comes down to it, We're all human. Humans have basic needs. And sometimes it's easy to think that our husbands aren't quite the kind of human we are and that they don't need these things as much as we do. But that is as false as false can get. And just so you know, meeting his needs fuels him to meet yours. So yes, reciprocity makes the world go round. Next up, Real Talk. This is Real Talk where I answer questions from my listeners and share my own musings and encouragement. Please reach out if you have some questions you'd like me to address on the show. All questions are anonymous. I take your confidentiality seriously as if you were my own client. You can email questions to zoe@drzoeshaw.com or connect with me on any of my social medias. This question was curated from my column at thegritandgraceproject.org, and you can always submit your questions there as well. I thought this question was a perfect combination for the topic today because, you know, it's all about that fine line between supporting your man and losing yourself. So the question is, lately I've come to terms with the fact that I struggle with codependency. I still have some shame associated with that title, but I'm ready to embrace it so I can overcome it. I had a very difficult childhood and I don't know my dad, and I'm pretty sure both played a big role in developing these coping mechanisms. What are some tips you'd give to someone who realizes they are codependent and wants to change? So first of all, there's no shame in honestly acknowledging who and what you struggle with. I just did at the beginning of this, uh, this podcast today. So I'm so glad you're ready to embrace your codependency issues because now the healing can begin. So yes, you're right that your experiences in childhood play a huge role in creating the lens through which you see the world and the way that you react to everything that you see. So first, here's some signs of codependency. And this comes from Mental Health America, 2016. If you have a hard time saying no, having poor boundaries, emotional reactivity, always feeling compelled to take care of other people over yourself, and a need to control, especially over others, trouble communicating honestly, fixating on mistakes, a need to be liked by everyone, A need to always be in a relationship, denying one's own needs, thoughts, and feelings, intimacy issues, confusing love and pity. Oh, that's a big one. And fear of abandonment. Now, you don't always have to have all of those, but those are definitely signs of codependency. And the first step towards change is to understand first, what is a healthy relationship to begin with? So a healthy relationship is interdependent. It's heavily weighed on independence. A healthy relationship includes boundaries, communication, trust, and consent. In a healthy relationship, neither partner expects the other to be the complete source of all of their needs. Both partners understand that they are each responsible for their own individual happiness, and their role is to support the other in their journey. And they want to also, you know, be a part of that. In a healthy relationship, neither partner is trying to fix the other, like I said before, and there's a freeing sense of acceptance, faults and all. Reciprocity is so important in a healthy relationship because no one person is carrying all the burden. And although each may have different roles, everyone's role is equally respected. Both people consider the relationship to be a partnership. In a healthy relationship, each partner acknowledges and honors the other's boundaries. Now, if you think that boundaries shouldn't exist in a close relationship such as marriage, then you actually have codependent thinking. Boundaries are just another way of saying, I respect you and I respect me. In a healthy relationship, there's honest communication. Both people feel enough trust and freedom to share honestly and openly with each other. In a healthy relationship, both people Make themselves, the individual needs, and their self-care a priority. They don't continually neglect themselves in order to try to make the other person happy. In a healthy relationship, both people make the relationship a priority. So they consult each other before making big decisions, and they consider the other when making plans. So for some people, this might sound contradictory, but when both are making themselves and their relationship a priority, everyone wins. In a healthy relationship, partners aren't afraid of disagreements because each is their own person. There's room for and a healthy respect of a difference of opinion. The basis for a healthy relationship is a genuine enjoyment of each other's presence. They're not together for financial, familial, physical, or societal reasons. There's an intrinsic desire to be in the company of the other. Now, if you know you have codependent thinking and you want to change, you need to start with getting honest with yourself about your behaviors and evaluating your relationship based on the list that I just talked about. If you recognize that your relationships are missing some or most of these components, then choose the one that resonated with you the most and start working on changing that one aspect towards health. Now, changing too many components at once can be really overwhelming, so don't do that. But remember that your codependence evolved for a reason, and usually Usually, like we said before, it's based in childhood. Your codependence protected you and it did a great job or you wouldn't have continued it, but it's not working for you now because it's a survival behavior and it's a first aid kit that you don't need anymore. It's only meant to keep you alive, not to sustain you, and you deserve to be sustained in your relationship. So an easy tip for getting honest with yourself is to write down some of your relationship issues. Wait a day, then read it as if your friend had written the letter to you. Name your friend. Give her a voice. Imagine her voice when you read the letter. What do you see? What would you tell her? Maybe you should listen to your own advice. We often see things much more clearly when they're not our own issues. We all know that. So I can't fix your codependency in one quick answer, but these are some steps that you can take. On this journey of releasing yourself from codependency. And get some help too. Congratulations on taking the first step. Thank you for tuning in to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss a show. If you're interested in coaching or therapy, or you just want to get a little more help, go to my website at drzoeshaw.com or any of my social medias at the handle Dr. Zoe Shaw. Join my free newsletter by texting the word join to 38470. I look forward to speaking with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe. Subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.