94: The Courage to Try | Dr. Zoe Shaw

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Hey there, you're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. I'm Dr. Zoe and I am your host. I'm a life and relationship coach and I am a licensed psychotherapist and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. You can connect with me by texting the word join to 38470 or just going to my website at drzoeshaw.com. I have to tell you, I am just Melancholy today. I'm a little bit in shock because I didn't intend to do this episode by myself today, and I decided to just go ahead and do it. I had a guest. Her name is Bethany Rutledge, and I am dedicating this show to her today. And I'm going to go ahead and talk about the topic that we were supposed to talk about today, which is the courage to try. Bethany connected with me months ago, and she and I have been corresponding back and forth, and I was so excited to have her on the show today. She was an author of the book Courage to Try. She's a USAT certified coach, a mama of twin boys, 1-year-old, and a triathlete. And her book, uh, which I just finished reading recently, is so encouraging. Her story is so encouraging, and she has dedicated her life to helping women. develop courage, which, you know, I'm all about. I'm only about 30 minutes into the knowledge of her death, so bear with me, but I'm going to hopefully really honor her in this discussion today. So I was wondering why Bethany didn't respond to my last email, but we were scheduled for today, and so we were a go. And I happened to look up her website right before we were about to start the show, and all the news articles started popping up about her death. She was 37 years old and she was just a firecracker. She died in her sleep. No one knows what happened yet. So that alone can give you some motivation to just find the courage to do whatever in the world you know you were meant to do in this world, because tomorrow's not guaranteed. It's just not. No matter how healthy you are, she was in phenomenal shape. No matter, you know, how young you are, tomorrow is not guaranteed. And so today is the day that you need You need to start working on garnering that courage to do what you were meant to do in this world. Stop assuming that you are going to do it tomorrow or next week. I just had a client in my office and we were talking about her fears and we were talking about what she wanted to accomplish. And my question was, okay, so when, when do you think you're going to do that? And she said, well, I'll do it eventually. I know that when I get a job, I'm going to be forced to have— it's driving was her issue. I'm going to have to be forced to do that. And in that moment, And this was even before Bethany's death. I spoke to her about eventually. We've got to get eventually out of our heads. If there's something that you want to do, if there's something that you know you were meant to do in this world, if there's something that you need to do for your health, for the health of your family, do it now. Not eventually. Now. I am so thankful that Bethany did hers now because she only had 37 years, but she has made an impact. And so today we are going to talk about The courage to try. And my prayers go out to her family. So the topic today, the courage to try. Anything worth doing, anything monumental in your life, anything you truly aspire to takes courage. Sometimes, depending on your life, just going about daily life takes courage. But for most of us, That's kind of on autopilot. We can get through that. It's the bigger things in life that we know we want to do that take courage to take those steps. And Bethany outlined how she went from zero to medal-winning, renowned, magazine-featured triathlete, and it was all about courage. Yeah, all those steps matter, but none of those steps can be taken without first having the courage to try. And she talks about how our comfort zones can kill us. And I loved reading that because it's so true. We get into repetition, we get into habits. Our life can sometimes go by over the course of years because we're comfortable. We're comfortable enough that if we don't take big leaps, okay, life's going to keep going on. When we get into that comfort zone where we have all the things we kind of want or need, We're not really aspiring or pushing forward, that comfort zone can literally kill us. It kills our goals, it kills our dreams. You've always heard about the eye of the tiger and being hungry and how when you're desperate, that's a huge motivation for accomplishing and getting somewhere that you need to go. But when you are not in a place of desperation, that comfort zone can be so very dangerous. Yeah. So if you're in a place of comfort, that's a good thing because you're comfortable. But how can you get the courage to catapult out of that comfort zone when there's no fire lit underneath you? So part of what keeps us from stepping up and doing things or taking those leaps is, of course, fear. And some may say, okay, well, courage is the opposite of fear. Fear holds us back. Fear keeps us locked into our excuses. Fear says, but what if I fail? I don't want to be uncomfortable. But of course, we all know that courage is not the opposite of fear. Courage is walking through the fear. So if you're in that place of, I'm too scared to try, trying can be terrifying because you don't want to look like a fool. You don't want to disappoint yourself. You don't want to confirm your greatest fears. So Bethany talked about 3 things that are super important when it comes to developing courage. The first is learning to deal with excuses. The second is learning to overcome your obstacles. And the third is focusing on process versus outcome. So let's talk about excuses. What are they really? Let's call them out. Let's see them for what they really are. Excuses, of course, are just something that keep us in that comfort zone. Excuses are easy ways for us to say, it's not my fault. I have no control. Excuses are lies. The next time you have an excuse for something, I want you to say to yourself, I'm listing a reason why nothing is my fault. Excuses are a bad habit, but they wrap us in a cloak of comfort, and so we use them. And so a first step in getting excuses out of your vocabulary, out of your mind, is to get rid of the word but. I really want to do this, but... I'd love to go with you, But. I want to dedicate time today to work on my project, but. I want to go to the gym, but. When you force yourself to take that word but out, then all you're saying is, I want to go to the gym, or I wanted to go to the gym, or I wanted to wake up this morning at 6:00 AM. When you take that but out, what happens is that you create some cognitive dissonance in your brain because you're telling your brain, I wanted to do that. And you're not assuaging it with the but, because when you put the but in, all of a sudden your brain's like, oh, okay, well, I didn't do it for that reason. And then it kind of closes it up and ties it with a bow and you don't have to deal with it anymore. When you leave the statement without the but, then your brain is working on it. Your brain's like, okay, but why didn't I? Okay, so that's something I want to do. And you're actually creating small, subtle. But impactful shifts in your brain, it's going to make it harder to not do things when you don't have an excuse for not doing it. And I've tried it and it works because your brain tries to fix it by helping you figure out how to get that thing done. And that's a first step towards courage. Next, you can also use that excuse as a signal to yourself. When you have a desire to make an excuse for something, you need to ask yourself, what is it That's keeping me from wanting to do this? What's the obstacle? And that leads us to the next thing that Bethany talks about is overcoming obstacles. So you've got to identify it. What's the obstacle? Why is it that I don't want to get up at 6 in the morning? Is it because I consistently stay up till 1 o'clock in the morning? If that's the case, what do I need to do to overcome that? Now, history has shown that the most triumphant people tend to have the most heartbreaking obstacles and they win because They do not allow their obstacles to defeat them. We all have them. Obstacles are different than excuses because excuses are lies. Obstacles are real. But the good news is that concealed in every obstacle is an opportunity, and most people aren't willing to find it. The first step in overcoming your obstacle is to believe what I just said. Believe it across the board. For every obstacle that exists in this world, There is a method for overcoming it. Sometimes I'm frustrated by, and sometimes I'm comforted by the knowledge that there is nothing new under the sun, which means whatever I'm going through, there is somebody else in the world who has done this, gone through it already. There is nothing new under the sun. So one of the first things you can do when you encounter an obstacle, no matter how big or how small, is find somebody else who's experienced the same thing and overcome it. Now, in this day and age, that's as close as the click of a button on your computer. We are so very lucky to be in a time where you can access anybody, you can access any information so easily. So honestly, you have no excuse. You can go on Instagram and you can find a person who is doing exactly what you want to do, who has had similar obstacles to you. You can Google it and you can find it. And I encourage you to do that today. I tell this to many of my clients when they are struggling to accomplish something. My first question is, who are you connected with who's accomplished the thing that you want to accomplish? And oftentimes their answer is, well, I don't know anybody. And I ask, are you on Instagram? Yeah. Are you on Facebook? Yeah. Have you looked people up like that? No. Please don't just use social media to be nosy about other people's lives or to entertain yourself. Use it to fuel your life. Your social media feed should be full of people who are doing the things that you want to do, who have information that they can give you to help you along your journey. I was just telling this to one of my clients who's a senior in high school, and she wants to be an obstetrician. And my question is, are you connected with other obstetrician women on Instagram? Girl, go find their feeds. They're amazing and they will connect with you. They will talk to you and you can follow them and get information from them and learn and be inspired. So it doesn't matter if you're a single mother. It doesn't matter if you have a disease. It doesn't matter if you have dyslexia. It doesn't matter if you don't have an education. There are people who have those same things who have overcome those obstacles and you owe it to yourself to find them because sometimes just knowing That someone else has done it can help give you the courage to do it too. Another way that we overcome obstacles is a little bit at a time, a tiny chunk. Do not overwhelm yourself by creating this huge list or even just creating the story in your head about all the things that have to happen. For my client who wants to be an obstetrician, we could make a to-do list 100 pages long that would still not encompass everything that she's going to have to do to become an obstetrician. Or we could just write the next step. So my advice to you today, when your obstacles seem so big, when the to-do list is so huge, is only write down the next thing that you have to do. And if there's something you're trying to accomplish, dedicate to yourself 15 minutes a day to work on it. 15 minutes. Get consistent with 15 minutes. That's one small step towards your goal. You get consistent with 15 minutes and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish in a year, which is very different than thinking about it and worrying about it and telling yourself why you can't do it for a year, or maybe trying to spend 3 hours on it one time and then stopping. 15 minutes a day, write down the one next step to overcoming your obstacle. Last, Bethany talks about process versus outcome. The outcome's important. You write down that outcome and you take the next step towards it. But you are living your life right now, right this second, you're living your life. And Bethany's passing just highlights that so much, that as you work towards your goals, as you develop the courage to take those next steps, enjoy the process. Do not beat yourself up for not being where you think or thought you should have been at this point in your life. This process is your life. Focus on figuring out how to enjoy the journey. Because the journey is your life. Yeah, the outcome is great and you're going to get there if you keep taking the next best step, but this whole process is your life. You're not waiting to live your life. Have the courage to live your best life right now as you take the journey towards whatever it is you want to become. Thank you for listening in. You can find Bethany Rutledge's book, The Courage to Try, T-R-I, on Amazon. It's really a book about the courage to try. Doing a triathlon. So if you have any inkling that you might want to start that process, check out that book. Otherwise, you can check out her website and her writing that's all about inspiring women to have courage to live their best life. Thank you for inspiring women to have courage and rest in peace, Bethany. Thank you for tuning into the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. And I look forward to connecting with you women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast. On iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of— The Dr. Zoe Show.