Anxiety Is Just Energy: Tools to Calm Your Relationship Anxiety

Bonnie, thank you so much for coming on the show. I have not addressed anxiety specifically in quite a long time. And so I really wanted you to come on this podcast so we can speak to this for women who are struggling with anxiety. And we know our society, you know, it's heightened right now in society. I feel like right now in the past, what, half decade or more. And also we know that women in difficult relationships, when they don't feel secure, their anxiety is heightened as well. So welcome to the podcast.

Thank you so much. It's a privilege to be here.

So in the intro, I described you as Anxiety Avenger, which I love that name. Can you tell us just a little bit about your journey with anxiety and how you came to be the Anxiety Avenger?

Sure. And I'm sure this— some of what I'm about to tell you is common for the women who listen to your podcast all the time. So as a kid, I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. I was a very sensitive kid, very into nature, and I dealt with narcissistic abuse from my parents and alcoholism and anger and all the things. So that sort of piled up and piled up through my life while my parents were fighting until they got divorced and all that stuff happened. And in high school, I was really starting to feel anxious in, in sort of a general way. I had some social anxiety and some OCD, which I couldn't have named at the time, but now I look back and see what some of my habits were like.

Right.

But I was becoming more and more anxious and trying to kind of hide that. And one day in a high school classroom, we watched a film about alcoholism and a young man who had had a car wreck was featured and he was in the hospital and all the drama. And that very thing had happened to someone in my family 2 days before.

Oh my goodness.

And so being in that space, I— the anxiety just ramped up to a point that I— it was a panic attack. I flew out of the room and I thought, oh gosh, here's the first time that I'm exposed. People are going to know now, you know, that I'm nervous all the time and looking over my shoulder and all the things. And then fast forward a little bit from the high school thing to, again, still trying to cope, doing most of my work outside of school at that time was with horses. And horses have always been a deeply grounding feature of my life. So I was kind of getting along there. My family did not really value or connect to higher education.

Mm-hmm.

So for me to get accepted to a college in a program I was very, very interested in, in equine studies and business was a huge deal. I thought, okay, here we go. I've got accepted. After being given a hard time about going to college, my mom came around to the idea and got me there, drove— literally drove me there and dropped me off. And I thought, oh, here it is. My life's beginning. I'm going to go forward. I can leave all that stuff behind. This is fabulous. And anxiety, I didn't realize, had packed its own little suitcase and come along with me. Wow. Really became lit up in that time. So I what happened was I started developing agoraphobia, which comes from panic attacks and in certain places where you feel oh I had a panic attack at the grocery or in a bank and you can't go back to those places again because of that fear. And so I started having panic in classes. So I'd start going to class late or leaving early or going to the bathroom once or twice or three times you know in a class and pretty soon I wasn't. I wasn't able to just function as a student.

Yeah.

So I dropped out after my first semester. I went home and I wasn't able to go back. And that was definitely the lowest point at which I realized something's got to change here. And I really thought seriously about whether I was going to continue or not. And I did make the right decision at that young age, was to pick up the phone and call my health plan for a therapist. And that was the first step that has led to the decades of my own process through therapy and meditation and nutrition and movement and animal and nature connections and all the things that I am trained in that I bring to people now for how to release the blocks of energy that create anxiety because anxiety is just Blocked energy.

Okay,

that's all. It's as simple and complicated,

right,

as that. And unblocking the energy that gets stuck in us safely and without medication is possible. And that is my mission and my message for the world, that that's possible. And I've done it, other people can do it.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have not heard anxiety described that way, so I would like to dive into that. So for a woman who's in a difficult relationship and may have had some experience of anxiety in her history, and just like you said, we kind of pack all of those stories. I talk about the phantom critic that we pack up with us and take with us into our life and into our relationships. When she's experiencing anxiety, and maybe the anxiety right now is centered around this relationship that feels very insecure and maybe unsafe in some ways, whether emotionally unsafe or otherwise. Um, how would you describe that energy block? And what are those steps that she can begin to take?

Well, there are a lot of reasons, as you say, that a woman could feel unsafe in a relationship with another human. Might be financial concerns, might be employment concerns, might be emotional or physical abuse. We've talked a lot. I've heard you on your podcast and I've been on others talking about narcissistic relationships. Those things all raise somebody's level of anxiety.

I know.

And the more we try to stuff that in— well, I'm feeling really anxious about that. We don't have enough money to do this. I don't have enough time to do this. I can't do this for my child. I can't trust my partner. I'm afraid of my partner. Who do I turn to? All of that is thinking. All of that's in our mind, and our thoughts become ourselves. Our thoughts become who we are, and it has to go somewhere.

Yeah.

So if it's not being spewed out in rage and anger and frustration at others, which usually goes down the chain— if we're having a difficult relationship with one person, then someone of a lower status Is often— could be a child, could be a friend, could be a neighbor. Someone of lower status is usually getting dumped upon from above.

Yeah.

Right? And when those things start to happen, that, that gets spewed out. That's one way of coping with that. Other times people pull it inside. I can't talk about it. I'm afraid to express it. And we hold on to it. And energy, just like if you, you light a fire in a small space, it's going to grow. It's going to express itself, right?

Yeah.

So if we turn that fire inside, we burn ourselves from the inside out. And then we become depressed and anxious and, you know, maybe going to seek help and ending up on medication that helps the symptoms but doesn't do anything for the cause. Yeah, it can become quite a jumbled mess. But so many women do find themselves in, in relationships where they're really not happy, and they're really not speaking up and caring for themselves in a way that they need to.

Right. Yeah. And then we have attachment issues, right? So, you know, a woman could be in a relationship that is maybe difficult for multiple reasons. Maybe some of the reasons are we've got these opposing Attachment styles, because an anxiously attached woman is going to generally feel a lot of anxiety. An insecurely attached, you know, even an avoidant is going to feel some anxiety in that space, especially if a partner is trying to pull them out of that avoidance. So can we talk about some steps within the construct of relationships that people can begin to Change that energy or, or eliminate that energy block in that way?

Sure. And one thing that we all need to be very clear on is we can't change our partners,

right? Yeah.

And that's kind of what we're sometimes looking at is like, oh, how I get this person to not do this or to do this that I want them to do.

We can't— easier because, you know, when we feel stuck, the easy thing is if we can just take change them, then I'll feel better. So it seems like an easier path, which maybe it is an easier path. It's just not possible. You cannot actually walk. So we have to choose the hardest path, which is changing ourselves.

It would be easier, but since it's not possible, right? That's something, because I think women sometimes think, oh, well, this person will grow into this, or I can help them change this. No, let it go. It is us. We. It's the we, the I, the we that needs to shift. And some of the things that I, I do for myself daily that I share with others all the time include EFT tapping, both at the therapeutic level and the layperson's level. Jin Shin Jyutsu, which is—

Well, hold on. Can we talk about what that is? Because people might have zero idea of what that is.

Yes. Okay, so we'll go back to EFT tapping. So EFT tapping comes from a couple of different places. One of them is the Chinese meridian system that developed acupressure and acupuncture, which a lot of people know something about acupuncture, right? Right. But the thing that they all have in common, EFT and acupuncture and acupressure, is that they help unblock The energy pathways called meridians that run through our bodies. It's just like little highways from our top of our head to the tips of our fingers and the tips of our toes. We have these little energy pathways, and energy is constantly happening right between between us inside us. There's always that function. If you think of yourself like in your heart, it's like a battery, right? Boom boom! It's sending energy out, and your energy is going to. Whatever other beings are near you, but it's flowing through. So in EFT, uses both tapping on the meridians and verbal cognitive expression. For instance, I'm feeling a high level of fear about, you know, dealing with my son's drug abuse. And then we go through a conversation about, well, what is that? Well, I'm afraid that he might have an accident in the vehicle, and I'm afraid that he might die from an overdose or become arrested. And we go through all the, these fears and the struggles and the anxiety that someone has on their mind, tapping through the meridians at the same time. And whatever we're holding like this about that subject is able to be released. And Zoe, I have to tell you, it's the most amazing thing. For me to watch a client working with me through EFT, to just watch their faces just drain of the strain that we carry, like just— and their bodies can become freer. It's, it's just a beautiful thing. So EFT combines the Chinese meridian system, also EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.

Right.

It simply helps to sort of Rebalance the connection between the hemispheres of the brain. And that we use an eye circle, we use a humming and a counting that all affect the body in the ways that EMDR do. So there's the meridian unblocking, there's the speech about what is it that's happening and I'm expressing it, and also the EMDR focus on the therapeutic level of EFT tapping. It's incredibly powerful.

So let's talk about how— let's say a woman gets into conflict with her husband, or she's worried about conflict that might happen. Maybe she has a hard conversation she needs to, to broach with him. How could she use this in her everyday life? So where would she tap? What would she say? How would she calm her system down through EFT tapping?

So What she would look at, like she's, like you said, facing a difficult upcoming difficult conversation. And she already knows what it is that's difficult about it.

Mm-hmm.

She knows what she fears or worries about or all. So we would go through that. So you have this conversation with your husband. What is it about? Okay. Well, I'm really worried about that he's going to be angry about this thing or that we're going to be fighting about it, or maybe he'll go silent on me. And so we start with what's called the basic recipe. Mm-hmm. Which is almost like a question mark shape through your— where you tap. So we start with the outside of the hand, the meridian that runs down to the pinky finger, in a setup statement. Even though I'm really worried about having this conversation with my husband and it feels like an 8 out of a 10 right now, I deeply and completely love and accept myself. And then we start with the top of the head in the middle. This conversation is concerning me.

So you're tapping the top of your head.

Yeah.

Or you are top tapping the side of your— for people, most people are listening on the podcast and not watching.

Okay. Right. It's true.

We're tapping.

We're starting with the outside of the, the outside of the hand where below the pinky finger.

Mm-hmm.

Right. And then it goes to the top of the head just behind the center.

Mm-hmm.

And then we go through those verbal phrases and it goes from there to the inside of the eyebrow. And you could do both at once. Or just one, either way is fine. I'm afraid that he'll realize we spent too much money. Then the outside of the orbital bone right behind the eye.

Just kind of your temple.

Yep. Yes. And the front of your temple, just, just behind that bone.

You

know, I'm afraid that we're going to be in debt. Maybe that's the thing. And then underneath the eye directly and carefully at the orbital bone right under your eyeball. And you'll feel when you hit the right spot, it's sensitive, right there. And then from under there, I don't want him to yell at me. That goes under the nose, right under the nose, above the top lip. And then below the bottom lip, above the chin. Last time we had a fight like this, he threw things at me. And then down toward the collarbone, in that notch between your collarbones, you go down an inch.

Yeah.

On each side an inch. And if you feel around there, just like roll your fingers around there, like go down through the notch, down a little bit and out to each side and just rub. You'll feel, ooh, oh, there's a sensitive spot right there.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And that's it. That's what you're tapping on.

Okay. And

then finally, that last bit in the basic recipe is about 4 inches underneath your armpit on either side, doesn't matter. Right against your ribs. Like where a woman, if you, Anyone wearing a bra strap?

Yep, that's right where the bra strap is. Yeah. Okay.

And then always just like a dog at the door, shake it out.

Shake, shake your body. Okay, absolutely. So you're talking to yourself, you're talking about your fears,

and

you're tapping as you talk about your fears, and then you're shaking it off.

Yes, yes. If we could just do that, if we could be like dogs— the letter carrier comes to the door, dog runs to the door, you know, jumping up and down. And then when it's over, they shake it off.

Yeah.

If humans could do that.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes. But, and I can, I can attach something in the show notes for your, your folks to be reminded about the basic recipe and how that works.

That would be wonderful. So you'll be able to click the show notes and get some information on the basics of EFT and how you can use it in your life.

Yeah, and it, it's effective. I've used it for years, it's really effective. And even when I'm driving, sometimes I'll just do the outside of the hand thing against my steering wheel, like, oh, this is really— traffic is stressing me out, you know, whatever. And, and just let that, let that energy come out through that meridian, and it's incredibly helpful to me all the time.

Thank you for sharing that.

Of course. And it's something that I put in your show notes also is what I call my 5 top tips, the Anxiety Avengers 5 top tips, 5 things that I do every day without fail.

Let's talk about that. Yes.

So one of them is first thing, and first thing when I get up in the morning is hydration.

I

think we underestimate how much our body needs plain old water. We're not talking about coffee, we're not talking about soda, I'm not talking about milks. No, no, no. Plain, pure water. Our bodies are made up mostly of water, right? And for ourselves to move the toxicity of the negative thoughts in our minds, for ourselves to purify and move that toxicity out and empty it from ourselves, we need a lot of water.

Right.

And in my work with seniors, this is like the number one thing that seniors forget to do sometimes. You know, my muscles are tight, I feel stiff. Double hydrate yourself and see, see what happens. Stiffness will be reduced just by having enough water in your system. Interesting. And movement. And so every morning I get up and I take a walk. If I'm— if it's a day that I get to go and do a workout first thing, I'll do that. But I at least get up, put some clothes on. I don't care what the weather is. Push myself out the front door and move my body. Those 2 are absolute non-negotiables every morning. Drink water, move the body. It's incredible how much better we feel, right? Just from movement. Yeah. It's so, so important. And then maybe while moving, because gosh, I don't have all this time in the morning. It doesn't take a lot of time. While we're moving, what are your top 3 gratitude moments? What are the top 3 things of that moment of that day that you can focus on and be thankful for, and be grateful for and recognize the gift in your life? When you're busy being grateful, you can't be busy being anxious.

Right.

Right.

It's hard for our brains to do both. Yes.

It's really hard for our brains to do both. Yes, for sure. And then I also take time because I'm very nature connected. And one of the modality that I developed years ago in my practice is wildlife imagery, is helping people connect to— because nature is where we came from, right?

Right.

And here we are on screens, driving cars, watching television, on the phone, all these things that humans were never designed to do.

Yes.

And we're supposed to be happy.

Mm-hmm.

It's supposed to be fulfilling. And—

Right.

We could ask anybody and say, yeah, it's not. It's not. But nature is where we came from. And so I help people discover their own connections to animals with specific powers and attributes that may help them to move forward in a situation where they're feeling stuck. A quick example of that is I worked with a woman once who, like me, same age as me, had seen Jaws when she was 12.

Oh yes.

Oh yes, right? Yeah. Watched Jaws too young, shouldn't be watching that scary stuff. And she became really really phobic about sharks to a point that she wouldn't go on a lake even though she knew darn well there were no sharks in the lake.

Yeah.

Wouldn't go in a pool because she was afraid of that. Even was uncomfortable in a bathtub instead of a shower.

Wow.

And so we went through, you know, that's okay, that's— the shark is an animal of fear for you. Let's find a power animal that— well, what other animals do you like in the ocean? Oh, I like starfish and I like dolphins. I like manatees. Okay, let's look into them. Well, we discovered that a pod of dolphins can take out a great white.

Yes, they can.

They can. So she went into her mind, she went into her artwork, she went into her writing, she went into stickers on the walls, everything about dolphins, and got to a point where she was able to, with her pod surrounding her, get back in a pool And go into a lake up to her waist and start to release that kind of phobia because she took her dolphins with her and felt protected. So that's a real thing too. I use that a lot as well.

That's beautiful. That, that's so encouraging. I myself have a dedicated practice of walking, and I'm also a multitasker. And so when I walk, I pray, I do my affirmations, and I I read, usually listen, you know, but I'm very much dedicated to that because I know how that centers and calms my nervous system. In addition to just the exercise, it's important. Getting outside in nature, like you said, is something that we are meant to do as humans. We are not meant to sit inside all day or even be inside all day. And so I think that that's a, just for healthy living, but especially for someone who tends to feel anxiety, getting out and walking and moving your body. my self-care book about grounding, being on, um, the grass with bare feet, right? Um, being able to really, you know, be in nature. Um, but there is also something about walking and talking. Mm-hmm. That creates a different experience for our brain to help release stress and anxiety, to do the same both at the same time. And sometimes we have a partner we can walk with and sometimes we don't. And so it's healthy to walk and talk out loud. What I will do is, is record. If I have something interesting that I feel like I wanna say or talk out, I'll record it. Um, so that it's not like I'm talking to nobody. I feel like I'm talking to myself. I can go back and listen to it later, or sometimes I just need to get things out. So those are also healthy ways to release our stress and anxiety, which is of utmost importance, especially when we live in a, in a, um, if we're living in a relationship that doesn't feel like it's a safe container for us.

Oh my gosh, that's so true. And even, even if it— if our own personal relationships aren't feeling that right, we are living in a global petri dish of anxiety right now.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we absolutely are. You can't deny it. So I love the fact that you're walking and talking, because one of the things that I do to help people who are extremely anxious and not able to trust other people yet, Um, is guide them to talk to the trees. Go out in nature, talk to the animals, talk to the birds, talk to the trees. Anything to express, to get it out of yourself in a safe place. And I still do this. I live, you know, 4 houses down from a park with a bunch of trees in, and I'm fortunate to be able to walk down the street in the morning. Hi guys, how you doing today?

Yeah.

The cool thing about trees They're not judgmental and they never walk away.

Right. It's true.

Great audience.

Yeah.

So I'll just be out there talking in a way and, you know, letting stuff out. We've got to get it out of ourselves in order to be— have any peace at all. And when you talk about movement, like you say, you want to exercise your muscles and also our lymphatic system.

Yes.

Which rinses literally like the internal shower. It rinses all the toxicity out of our bodies if we're not moving. The lymphatic system doesn't function nearly as well. It sits. It's kind of like a, like a pond with a lot of mosquitoes in it.

Yep.

Right.

Yeah.

So yeah, we want to get that, that lymphatic system moving. That's a big part of the movement thing for sure.

I think we underestimate how important it is for us to purge. And sometimes, you know, women, we put our heads down and we're just like, I've got this. I'm just gonna work through it. And my, I implore you, if you're listening and you're in that space, to not do that. Purge in whatever way you can, whether you're writing, whether you're moving your body. I hope you're doing both, and talking. Getting your anxiety out is of utmost importance.

Absolutely. And hydrating a lot.

Yes, yes. Thank you so much, Bonnie, for, for sharing your wisdom. Can you tell us about your book?

Oh, sure. I'd love to. So last year, after 25 years in public ed, teaching middle school and and staff coaching, I started writing my book. I said, I've got to get this out to as many people as I can. So many people hide our anxieties and our fears, our shame and silence and all the garbage that, right, that we've been handed maybe when we were younger. And so I told the truth. I told my story in a brief, brief, easy-to-read memoir called Cracking the Crazy Maker's Code.

Hmm.

Simple Steps to Ease Your Anxiety. So I told a bit about how I discovered the roots of my anxiety and what my first therapy experience was and how that led me out, um, and all the things that I've dealt with, like health issues and stuff that I dealt with when I was younger because my anxiety was so severe.

Right.

I had gastrointestinal issues and headaches and all the things, um, and how I got through all of that And at the end of each chapter in the book, I put reflections and action steps that you can print out free.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Journal from the QR code. Go through it yourself. It's got mantras and action steps where you can look at your own journey. It's really the path, the early path that I took first to get myself moving from being stuck at home with agoraphobia and not knowing what I was going to do next to Yeah, to completely taking my life back. I can read you a little paragraph about what a crazy maker is if you want.

Sure, let's hear it. What's a crazy maker?

All right, cracking the crazy maker's code. I'm all about it. Here we are. What exactly are crazy makers? Sometimes crazy makers are the people who raised us or with whom we've lived or worked. They can also be unhealthy belief systems from generations before us. That code negativity and fear in us, or they can be traumas we've endured or witnessed that hold us hostage in our pain. The crazy maker's code is the sum of negativity you've been taught to believe about yourself. This code may have defined and created your sense of self-worth from an early age, but it serves no purpose in your current life or reality. The good news is the code can be broken, and you can free yourself from those crazy makers that hold you back so you can begin living your very best life.

That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. And I'm sure a lot of women can resonate, um, kind of see themselves in that.

Yes, I'm sure that's true. Yeah, we, we take a lot. A lot gets put upon us, a lot of death-defining and, and boxing and expectations and that are really unhealthy for us. And we can break through those and take our own lives back and design things the way we want them to be.

We can. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing, Bonnie. How can people get a hold of you?

So you can find me on LinkedIn, you can find me on Facebook. My name is unusual enough that it makes an easy URL for my website, bonniebrindle.com. And also bonniebrindlespeaks.com is my speaker hub platform site where you can find information about me as a speaker for teams and groups. And I'm— I just put my first general Anxiety Avenger discovery course together out on that platform, and that'll be available in July. Very low-cost course that goes beyond What's in the book to help people discover, like, what is happening with me and what can I do about it right now? So those are probably the 4— Facebook, LinkedIn, bonniebrindle.com, bonniebrindlespeaks.com. And in your show notes, I included a link for you to share. I'd love to hear from anybody in your audience about how— what they felt about our conversation today and my appearance with you.

Wonderful. Thank you so much, Bonnie. Best wishes on your book.

Thanks. It was an honor to be here with you. I love your podcast, and I've listened to 3 of them so far and a whole lot more. Yeah, on my walks, I've been listening to you.

Oh, that's great. Thank you, Bonnie.

Of course.