In this Instagram video, Dr. Zoe Shaw introduces the concept of gaslighting within intimate relationships. She shares that many women in her practice feel they are “going crazy” because their partners deny or minimize abusive behaviors. Dr. Zoe explains the origin of the term—tracing it to the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife’s perception of reality to gain her inheritance. The clip includes brief, dramatized dialogue snippets that illustrate the gaslighter’s tactics of questioning the victim’s sanity. The segment sets up a deeper discussion about recognizing gaslighting, its impact on mental health, and steps toward empowerment.
Hey Instagram, it's Dr. Zoe. Today I'm talking about gaslighting in your relationships. I've had a number of women in my practice come to me and say, Dr. Zoe, I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm talking to him about these issues and he's saying that they don't exist. So today I'm going to talk about what's going on here. So many of you guys might know about the term gaslighting. It came about from a 1944 movie called Gaslight where a man was trying to basically make his wife go crazy so that he could get her inheritance.
If I could only get inside that brain of yours and understand what makes you do these crazy twisted things.
Gregory, are you trying to tell me I'm insane?
So he was purposefully doing this and manipulating, but most gaslighting— I kind of call it micro gaslighting— when it's going on but it's not necessarily intentional, it's not necessarily overtly meant to manipulate, but it definitely causes problems in relationships. So gaslighting in a relationship is when you come to your partner with an issue or something you see going on and your partner consistently calls your reality into question. Basically, he makes you feel crazy because he's telling you that whatever you think is going on just doesn't exist, didn't happen. It works for him because he gets off the hook. If nothing happened, there's nothing to discuss, right? So it's an easy way, it's an easy defense mechanism to just kind of gloss it all over. It never happened. He doesn't have to talk about it and you're left there sitting going, what's wrong with me? So I think it's important to understand that not all disagreements are gaslighting. And reality is, as humans, we remember things differently. So if that's the case, that's not gaslighting. You guys are just not agreeing. But if you notice that this happens a lot in your relationship, where things that are important to you, things that you notice, things that you're kind of like, hmm, that doesn't seem right, are consistently glossed over or pushed away or just basically said it's not true, that's an issue. So if you notice that gaslighting is going on in your relationship, first, You are not crazy. You are not crazy. Now, if this happens all the time everywhere you go and everyone's telling you that everything you think is not real, maybe you need to look into that. But if you're noticing that that's specific to this relationship, I'm telling you, you're not crazy. So here's the thing about gaslighting: it only works when you're not aware of it. Once you're aware of it, it completely loses its power. So now that you're thinking about it and recognizing it, you can completely ignore it and demand to be heard. When he realizes that the gaslighting isn't working, then maybe. Maybe he'll extinguish the behavior or he'll maybe create a new one, or maybe he'll be willing to look at the issue and just talk about it. Sometimes we just haven't really learned good skills and coping skills with disagreement. And if you're able to sit and be in it with your partner, he might be able to sit in it with you and actually hash things out. But you also need to understand that gaslighting is a need to control. So that issue is there in your relationship and it's something you need to point out, talk about, and address. And get some support. Have a support system of women, of friends, of a therapist that help you maintain your reality so that you're bouncing things off of other people besides just him. Because sometimes gaslighters tend to also isolate their partners, and that makes you feel even more crazy because there's nobody else to bounce things off of. So get some support, bounce things off of people other than him. Last, you need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem, because if this gaslighting has been going on for a while, your self-esteem has taken a hit. So you need to work on that. Realizing that gaslighting is going on in your relationship does not mean you have to end it, but it does mean you have to take action. If you have any other questions about gaslighting or about your life and relationship, you can click the link in my bio on my Ask Dr. Zoe column. I answer questions regularly at the Grit and Grace Project, and I'll answer them here too.
