Are You Quiet Quitting Your Relationship

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here today. Today we're talking about quiet quitting in a relationship, and if you don't know what that is, you'll find out. But first up, my win and my fail. My fail is that I'm behind on the books that I wanted to read this year. I had a goal of a book a week, and I've been doing pretty good I've been off a couple of weeks, but I'm definitely falling off because I've been reading this book called The Soul of Shame, and I'll be sharing it later when I'm finished with it. But it's taking me longer because it's a difficult read, both because it's dense— it's not really huge, but it's dense in terms of the material— and it's also a topic that I'm really trying to understand very well because I'm writing about shame in my next book. So I'm a little behind. It's a fail. I really wanted to get in 52 books this year. I don't think I will, but at least I had a goal and I'll get a lot more than I did last year. My win, my win, and this is a fun win, is that I was a guest on an old friend from high school's podcast, Sheree Mativia, although I knew her as Sheree Virgil. Her podcast is called Melanated, Mindful, and Monetized Podcast. It's for melanated entrepreneurs. Although we connected on Instagram a few years ago and we follow each other, she just started this podcast. I think she's maybe, I don't know, 8, 10 episodes in, and it was the first time that we've talked face to face over Zoom, and it was really nice to see her after— drum roll— 29 years. Ah, I can't believe it. We both agreed, of course, that we Both look exactly the same as we did in high school, but the catch-up was really nice. And it was especially sweet that we were catching up over her podcast. So congratulations, Sheree, on your podcast. And it was a great win this week to be on it. I think it will air sometime in November, and I'll be sharing that on Instagram. So onto the topic, quiet quitting. Today we're talking about quiet quitting in a relationship. Now I'm guessing you've heard this term before, but If not, it's usually associated with the workplace. It's a term to describe what happens when a dissatisfied worker starts doing the bare minimum of their job requirements. Sometimes they might be looking for another job, or maybe they've just given up on this one. They're usually not ready to leave their position, but they're not trying to climb a corporate ladder. They hate their job, but they're just not quite ready to quit either. According to a recent Gallup study, about half, which blows my mind to think about it, but about half of the American workforce is currently quiet quitting their jobs. And it's based on a growing disconnect between employees and their employers on issues such as employees not feeling valued, cared for, having opportunities to grow, or they're just feeling completely misaligned with the organization's values, their missions, or their purpose. I've noticed that with my clients who are quiet quitting their jobs, whether they've used that term or not, the issue is usually related to the culture in the organization. They're either feeling extremely undervalued, not recognized, or underpaid for the vast amount of work they do, or there's just a lot of interpersonal issues going on. And now in 2022, with greater opportunities in the workforce in terms of how people want to work, employees are are expecting more. They are not settling for the same things that they used to settle for. And this isn't just a trend we're seeing at work. Quiet quitting, or even quiet firing when employees stop investing in their employees, this is happening in relationships too. And that's why I wanted to address it today on the podcast. So in the context of relationships, quiet quitting refers to those who don't necessarily want to break up. They certainly don't want to be the one to do the breaking up. But they're also very dissatisfied in their relationship, and they've settled into going through the motions without any real motivation to make a relationship better, to change, or to ensure even that the relationship continues on in a healthy way. Now, I sometimes see this in longer-term relationships, which looks a little different, but where one or the other just stops trying. I've heard excuses like, well, lots of couples live as roommates after they've been married for decades. I guess it's just what I should expect, and so they give up. Now sometimes that's also been modeled to us by our parents, and that makes it easier for us to accept dishealth in our relationship over time. But just in case you're not sure, no, it's not healthy, and no, it's not what you should expect from any relationship, including a long-term relationship. Now sometimes we're quiet quitting in a conscious way. We're really aware of what we're doing in a relationship, and sometimes we're not. Sometimes it's more of a subconscious thing. So here are some signs that you might be quitting if you're not aware that you're already doing it. One, you stop advocating for your needs. Telling your partner what you need might feel like you're creating conflict, but you aren't. You're not creating it. You're just revealing what's already there. You are engaging in your relationship, you're continuing to talk and communicate with your partner because of a hope and a desire for improvement. When you stop putting in the effort to communicate your needs to your partner, you may be quiet quitting. And so many men don't recognize this because when a woman stops talking, when a woman stops pushing a guy to do things that maybe he doesn't want to do, when a woman stops those things, men sometimes get a sigh of relief like, oh, okay, glad she's off my back. But what they don't realize is that when a woman stops talking, you're in trouble. Things are not going well, and they will continue to disintegrate over time if you do nothing. Number 2, you don't own your anger. Instead of having direct conversations, not only are you not communicating your needs, but you're acting Passive-aggressively. You may be angry that your husband checks out for that one whole day of football on Sundays. And so instead of acknowledging it, instead of talking with him and having a conversation, you decide to leave on a weekend trip and you don't invite him. When we allow our anger to take us down these passive slippery slopes, it usually doesn't go well. Number 3, you stop doing things together. The things that you guys used to really enjoy doing, like taking a walk in the park, spending time together, cooking dinner together, Going on dates, those things are stopping. And many people normalize this. And although as you have children and your family grows and responsibility grows, of course there's less time, but to not invest any time in togetherness is an indication that someone might be quiet quitting. Number 4, you're putting in very little to zero effort on birthdays or special occasions. You used to put thought into gift giving or celebrating an anniversary, and now you're just doing the obligatory. You're showing up, but the gifts lack the thought that they used to have, and you're not really putting any effort into making the time special either. Reality is, every year is another year you've been with this person, and you know this person well. And although there can be a lot of frustration in gifting for people who, quote, have everything, Your gifts should actually be getting better in terms of thought put into it, not worse. Number 5, you're daydreaming a future without him. Now, I'm not saying you're going to cheat, but maybe thoughts of an alternate reality with someone else, whether real or imagined, occupies your time way more than it should. That's an indication you might be quiet quitting. Number 6, you stop planning a future together. You lack relationship goals. Because there's a part of you that might have one foot out of this relationship as you start to plan for your future, he's not necessarily in it. If you weren't already aware, that's definitely a sign of quiet quitting. Number 7: You don't make an effort to repair. So if a disagreement or a blowup happens, it used to be that you two would hammer it out because you wanted to get back to a sense of closeness. That's why they say makeup sex is the best, right? But now you're not invested in the repair part and you just want to return to status quo. Status quo is a killer of relationships, especially when there's been some damage done. Because if you think about it like your eating health, if you mess up a bit day and you binge eat donuts and cake, whatever, you've gotta repair the next day. If you just go back to status quo the next day, you would've gained some weight. And then maybe you go a week, 2 weeks, however, without Binging again, or eating too much, or or adding on calories. But then, if you do it again, and you just say, "Well, let me just go back to status quo," you've just added more weight. The only way that you stay healthy is by balancing it. So, if you overeat on one day, you want to make sure you are balancing it out the next day. Now, we're not talking about an eating disorder; we're starving ourselves. But you have to pay attention in your diet if you want to stay healthy, just like you have to pay attention in your. relationship if you want it to stay healthy. Number 8, you avoid sex. Sex is one of the many glues that holds a relationship together. Of course, we know it's not the only one, but I always check in with my couples about their sex life because aside from medical issues preventing it, it's a strong indicator of the connection between the two. Emotional disconnections create physical ones. So having more physical intimacy is not going to fix your relationship, but the lack of sex is a strong indicator that something needs to be fixed. Number 9, those sweet nothings aren't anything anymore. Those pet names, the little touches, the texts for no reason, the inside jokes quietly fade away, and basically communication just comes down to business, just the bare minimum. Because just like intimacy, the words that we speak in a relationship are also another kind of glue that holds it together. The words, our tone, the energy with which we communicate. You know, I think it was John Gottman who said that he could predict a divorce with 90-something percent accuracy just by the tone with which the couple spoke to each other. He didn't even have to hear the words. All he had to hear was the tone. That says a lot. So those are 9 examples. I'm sure there are many more. Ultimately, quiet quitting your relationship is a passive reaction to your needs not being met. So you may be thinking, so how do I know if it could be my partner that's quietly quitting our relationship? Well, of course the signs are going to be the same, but from your point of view, you may realize one day that all of your conversations only reach the surface level. They aren't talking to you anymore about how they feel or what they're thinking. They're not as open as they once were, and they don't seem as engaged in conversations with you. Conversations of the future sound more like something he's planned to do himself, but not with you in mind. I'm sure that you can remember a time in your relationship where you could talk nonstop and questions went both ways. There was an openness and an ease with which you guys communicated, and that seems lost right now. And it hurts to feel that you're here facing disinterest and disengagement, but it doesn't mean it's the end of the relationship. It doesn't mean there's no hope. It's a sign that either you or your partner is feeling underappreciated, unheard, or misunderstood. So what's a girl to do? First, you've got to recognize that all behavior makes sense in its context, and whether you're doing the quiet quitting or your partner is, That behavior makes complete sense if you take a look at what's driving it. You've got to figure out the reasons why you stopped investing in the relationship. Write them down. Have you decided that you want out of this relationship, but you're just too scared or paralyzed or busy to end it? Or do you know that breaking up is not an option, and so you just don't want to rock the boat? Or did you somehow allow your conflict avoidance to slowly distance yourself from your partner, and now you're waiting out to sea and you don't even know how you've gotten here? The silence might feel deafening, but there is nothing internally quiet about quiet quitting. There's a loud roar of unhappiness, frustration, resentment, and suffering that is drowned out by the white noise of, how was your day? And can you take the kids to practice tonight? The answer is the same, even though it's not rocket science. You must Talk. There are certainly reasons why you didn't talk or why you didn't address the elephant in the room. But that time has passed. And when you know better, you do better. And the best thing you can do for your health is to go ahead and say the hard things. Ask your partner, hey, I noticed I'm not feeling a desire to make an effort with us like I used to, or I noticed you're not approaching me for sex anymore. I want to check in with you. We're not like we used to be. What do you think is going on? By saying what you're noticing, you're owning your own actions and you're naming theirs. You're inviting an honest conversation about what is happening. That is not creating conflict, it's naming the conflict that's already there. The tricky part is that you must be willing to hear how you've hurt your partner, how they felt unheard and undervalued, and you must openly talk about your own lack of motivation. Now, as I'm sitting here talking into this microphone, I'm imagining that woman who's saying, well, look, Miss Smarty Pants, Dr. Zoe, if I could do all of this, I wouldn't have quiet quit my relationship to begin with. This is too hard, and I don't feel like there's space in my relationship for it. My answer is yes, it's hard, and you might not have been mature enough to do it before, but you can grow and you can do it now. Now, we can never guarantee what our partner's reaction will be, and sometimes that's why we don't speak, because we want to control, and because we can't control it, we opt to not speak. You can only control your own, and you've got to know that that's good enough. And even if you've decided that you want to work on repair, the answer isn't to say nothing and just try to start up new healthier behaviors, maybe ones that you had let go a long time ago. You don't create health by simply agreeing to start implementing all the behaviors that have gone to the wayside. Health is created by ridding yourself of the block that's causing you to want to disengage and quit to begin with. With all of my couples, I suggest having a date night once a week and a business meeting once a week. And neither one of them need to be expensive or extravagant, but just time uninterrupted spent together. On date night, you two get together and enjoy each other's company. No business, no family business, no kid talk, none of this talk. But on business night, you guys get together and you set aside a period of time where you're going to talk about the issues— issues between you two as parents, issues between you two as husband and wife, issue— family issues, financial stuff, all the business stuff that is important for maintaining a family. In that space, in those business meetings, you will start to learn to open up and speak your mind. Assuming that it's a safe place. I know quiet quitting might feel like it's the easy way out, but it's only easy for a time while the repercussions are growing on the sidelines. It's like choosing fast food every night instead of cooking real whole food at home. It's definitely more convenient in the moment, but it will kill you in the long run. A healthy relationship is one where both partners feel free to address their wants and their needs. If that isn't happening, your relationship is at risk for quiet quitting. Let's not do that. Speak up instead. You've got this. Reach out if you need some help. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe to my email list so that you can get some encouragement from me. Have a strong week!