Are You Romanticizing Your Relationship?

Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.

Hey there, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a life and relationship coach, and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually or in person to help you get unstuck. Text the word strong to 38470. I love helping women stay strong in difficult relationships, including that difficult relationship with yourself. So today's topic is stop romanticizing your relationships. We're going to get to that in just a minute. First up, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. And I share these weekly. Today's win is that I am 3 weeks into a 4-week just veggie, fruit, and seed fast, really. And it's going really well. I really thought I would struggle a lot with not having meat or grains. And although this is not a lifestyle deal, because I don't think it's healthy to not include some of those things in your diet. I'm 3 weeks into it and I'm feeling amazing. I just finished a workout. And so that's my win. I had a few pounds to lose and that's happening too. So that's always nice. My fail is I am still, and I'm sure if you guys have been listening for a long time, you've heard, I struggle with getting enough sleep. My mind is just like, I want to do too many things. I don't want to actually put my head down and waste that time. Which I know some people may feel like that's ridiculous, but I struggle with sleep feeling like a waste of time. So I know I need it though, because I know I need it for rejuvenation. I do feel better when I get my 7 hours or, you know, 8 hours is amazing. But me and my Apple Watch have a love-hate relationship because it tracks all my stuff and continuously tells me that I am not doing what I should do with my sleep. So that's my fail. I'm going to be working on that again. Always have to jump back on the sleep wagon. And you know, I've noticed that the longer I share my wins and my fails, the less fails I find. Now, I don't know if that's a coincidence. I'm not sure what's up with that, but I definitely believe in the concept of honoring both your wins and your fails. And I've definitely seen some positive results in my life as I have consistently honored my wins and my fails weekly with you women. So try it. Onto the topic, stop romanticizing your relationship. So you've probably heard me say it time and again. I love Maya Angelou's quote, when people show you who they are, believe them. Oprah quoted it a lot, but it was actually a Maya Angelou quote. And it's so good because it is so true. A lot of the issues we have in relationships is that people will tell us who they are, but we don't want to believe it. We want them to be the thing we want them to be, this romanticized version. So really a lot of those problems we have in our relationships, it's due to interacting with the fantasy instead of interacting with the person. And when we interact with this romanticized version of our partner, we're really disappointed when they don't act out their part. Half the time they don't even know their part because it's all made up in our head. And this tendency for women to romanticize their relationships starts way, way early in our development. And I don't think we just do it in romantic relationships either. We do it in friendships. We do it in all areas of our lives. And I think that's why women also tend towards relational drama a little more than men sometimes. There's that saying that men marry a woman expecting her not to change and she does, and women marry a man expecting him to change and he doesn't. Because men actually tend to see people a little more for who they are in the moment, a little more than women do. And when you see people for who they are, You're not disappointed when they show up as they are, and so you have less drama in your relationships. But we women are socialized from birth and through Disney, which is a big part of our culture, that we're going to be happily ever after, and that the people in our lives are going to be wonderful and everything we want them to be once we get over this little drama. And that's simply not true. The reality is that people in our lives will be exactly who they are. So how do you know if you're romanticizing your relationship? So I'll give you a couple of signs if you're romanticizing your relationship. Number 1, you're always focusing on his potential. You see him for what he could be, not who and what he is. Now, it would be amazing if he lives up to his potential, but not everybody wants to, and not everybody does. But everyone wants to be loved for who they are right now. Flaws and all. And when you're so focused on who you want him to be, then you aren't loving who he is. You're loving a fantasy. Number 2, your values have changed since you've been in the relationship. This is you lying to yourself. You want him so badly that the values and beliefs you used to hold true, you've let go so that you can rationalize this relationship. Don't lose yourself like this. You're far too valuable to be lost. If you changed your ideas to help you stay in a relationship, they aren't your ideas. That wasn't just you growing and maturing, that was you denying and rationalizing. You're often surprised and disappointed by his behavior. If you know him, you should have realistic expectations of him. He won't surprise you regularly if you're being honest with yourself about who he is. A 5th sign that you're romanticizing your relationship is that you've been doing this for years and you keep thinking it's going to get better. It's not. You need to figure out if you can accept what is. So if you recognize yourself in any of these signs here today, the very best and maybe painful thing you can do for yourself is to look at your relationship with the rose-colored glasses Who is he? What does he believe? How does he walk out his values? How does he respond to you and your people? Not what could he become, but who is he today? Let's look at that guy. He's the one you're with. If he didn't change an iota, can you accept and be happy with who he is? He's not perfect. None of them are. None of us are. But is this a guy you can live out the rest of your life with as he is today? If the answer is yes, then that means you need to let him be who he is and stop romanticizing who you want him to be and stop trying to change him. Work on yourself instead. Darn, those were tough words. But if the answer is no, it doesn't mean he has to change. It means you have to fix your boundaries regarding what you will and won't tolerate. Wait, doesn't that mean he has to change? No, not necessarily. When you change any part of a system, the system will change. Trying to change him will create resistance. Trying to change you will create a ripple effect. Changing you is not romanticizing it. It's responding to what is. For example, let's say that every few weeks your husband comes home from work and he is just rude and irritable. He's had a bad day and he takes it out on you. You get upset every time and it starts a whole negative spiral in your relationship because your feelings are hurt. The husband you want him to be comes home and he's glad to see you and he greets you with a kiss and he asks about your day. And you two have a cyclical argument about it and he vows to work on it. You expect him to change— that's romanticizing— and you get disappointed again and again. And it's an issue in your marriage. What if instead you recognize and you point out the unhealthy pattern, you expect him to continue it, and you let him know that when he comes home in a bad mood, you will disengage, you will not interact, or otherwise leave his presence? That's putting up a boundary. And then when it happens, when he comes home and he wants to spill all of his irritability on you, Do that, not with anger, because you already know him and expect it, but do it in a matter-of-fact way so that he knows that it is a clear boundary. And he'll recognize that you aren't going to be his punching bag anymore, that if he chooses to act a certain way, he will lose something. You take care of yourself in the process, and he may choose to change his behavior. That's his choice. You're choosing to take self-care. Now, the point of this episode is not to get you to leave your guy. Let me be crystal clear about that. Although, hey, if that's what you need to do, I support you in that too. The point of this episode is to help you stop the pain that you're inflicting on yourself day after day by romanticizing him or the relationship. You can still see him for who he is and have a great relationship with him. This relationship will include more acceptance, less disappointment, less anger, less sadness. Or you can admit that this isn't a relationship that you're willing to accept, and you can figure out how to erect healthier boundaries or exit. When you stop romanticizing, you start taking responsibility of you and your own happiness, and as a result, your life's a little better. Reach out if you have any questions. I would love to answer them on this podcast. Or personally. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to connect with me. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.