In this episode of the Dr. Zoe Show, host Dr. Zoe Shaw opens with a personal celebration—her first tattoo—as a metaphor for overcoming fear of judgment, then admits a personal shortcoming of letting work consume her friendships. She pivots to the central question: can an unhealthy relationship become healthy? Dr. Zoe asserts that you cannot change another person, but you can change yourself, and that self‑change inevitably reshapes the relationship. She frames relationships as dynamic systems governed by a “ripple effect” akin to Newton’s third law: any action triggers a reaction. Using this lens, she offers concrete strategies: disrupt unhealthy routines, shift self‑talk from “I’m right, he’s wrong” to a more balanced perspective (including seeing the partner’s point of view and affirming one’s own opinions), and reclaim responsibility for one’s own happiness rather than expecting a partner to complete you. Dr. Zoe warns that systemic resistance may cause temporary setbacks, as the relationship seeks a new equilibrium, but persistence leads to lasting change. She also cautions listeners to stop the advice if they are experiencing abuse, as the guidance applies only to safe relationships. The episode concludes with calls to action—text “strong” to 38470, visit drzoeshaw.com for further resources, and subscribe to the podcast.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Hey there, welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. You guys should know who I am and what I do by now. And today we are asking the question, can you change an unhealthy relationship to a healthy one? But first up, you can connect with me by texting the word strong to 38470. I changed my keyword in case any of you guys noticed. So I'm gonna start out with my win because I'm super jazzed about it. I am going to be 45 years old in just a couple of weeks, and I got my first Tattoo! Can you believe it? I can't believe it. So here's how it all went down. I've kind of always wanted to get a tattoo, but I couldn't think of anything that was meaningful enough for me to actually put on my body for the rest of my life. My best friend Rosie and I had kind of been going back and forth about getting matching tattoos, but we just never followed through on it. But my son came to me and said, hey Mom, you want to get matching tattoos? And somehow Everything in me was like, yeah, I do! And so we came up with a tree with roots that form a heart and some birds that are flying off of the tree. And I got a tattoo. It's a little more detailed than that, but I got a tattoo on the back, on my back. He got his on his shoulder. And it's not small, guys. It's kind of big. It's like 4 inches long. There's my win. I got a tattoo. And you know what? It might not be my last. I'm really proud of myself for doing it because As I was texting people and telling people, they're like, what? Are you crazy? Don't do it. Even afterwards, people were like, I can't believe you did it. And I was a little fearful, not of the pain, that was nothing, I could handle that. I was fearful of judgment. And so me getting this tattoo despite my fear of other people judging me was a huge win for me. Okay, so for my fail, I'm one of those people that when I get grinding, like when I just put my head down and start working hard and it's the new year and I've got a lot of things I want want to accomplish, I can sometimes just get tunnel vision. And so my fail is that my best friend called me and said, hey, you're slipping. You're supposed to be my best friend, and I haven't seen you recently. We did not actually get together much over the holidays, and, you know, life gets busy. So that's my fail is that I can get so tunnel-visioned in my work that sometimes I let outside things slip. slip, but my friends are a priority, and so I'm thankful that they will rein me back in when it's necessary. And we got some stuff scheduled out in the next couple months. We are definitely hanging out, so I am working on it. So on to the topic: can you change an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship? So that, my dear friends, I would say is the question of the century, and the answer is Wait for it. Yes and no. Wah wah. I know, but before you get frustrated, the truth is probably what you already know. You can't change anyone, ever. No matter how much force, anger, love, sex, manipulation, you're not going to change anyone that doesn't want to change. But here's the other very real truth bomb, and this is where the hope lies. If you are in a relationship with someone and you can change yourself, the entire relationship changes. It is an inevitable and 100% reliable result of your own change. What often happens though is that few women actually stick with their own changes long enough to reap the benefits of the change to the relationship. So let me tell you why this works. It's the ripple effect on the pond. It's Newton's 3rd law: for every action or force, there's an equal and opposite reaction. This doesn't just apply to natural physical things. This applies to all systems, even energetic ones. And why? Because your relationship is a system. Every relationship is a system. We're constantly reacting and responding with each other. So think about this. If you say hi to me, just the word hi, you've disrupted my process. You've activated a system between us, and you've created a response in me. Now, I can choose to ignore you, but that's a new behavior. I wasn't doing that before you said hi, and even ignoring takes effort. It takes processing and energy from my brain. So you've created a change in me. Just by saying hi. You never thought about how powerful the word hi could be, have you? So how do you apply that to your difficult relationship? You're the one listening to this podcast, not him. So yes, you're gonna have to be the one to change. And I already know that you might feel hopeless that anything will ever change in your relationship, but it can. And here's how. Change the routine. So listen, when we're unhappy in a relationship, we get into routines of unhappiness. We may mope around, we might look sad and annoying, we bicker, and sometimes we avoid each other. He goes into his cave, you sink into your Pinterest or reality TV. I'm totally stereotyping here, sorry, not sorry. But it's easy to sink there, it's easy to stay there. But what happens if you change the routine? He'll respond. Try it. The next time you go about doing your normal routine, change it up and say nothing and see what happens. Now I know what you're already thinking. Listen, Dr. Zoe, Changing a routine is not going to fix my marriage. I got it. And yes, that's for sure, unless you're changing the routine of criticizing how he speaks to the kids, or unless you're changing the routine of your own self-talk that looks at him through the lens of not good enough and not what you wanted. Changing those routines will change your life. So I'm going to ask you to also change your self-talk from I'm right to he's right. Now wait, what? You're the one who isn't happy in your relationship. He's the difficult one, not you, right? I get that. But if your self-talk mantra is all about how right you are and how wrong he is, you're contributing to this difficultness as well. Statistically, think about it, there has to be at least a portion of the time that you're wrong. Now there's that saying that just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean no one's out to get me, which is so true. So I'm also going to say that just because you're right doesn't mean you're never wrong. So try this short internal shift the next time you're frustrated or angry with him. Think this statement: he's right. And try to see it from his point of view. Now that takes a lot of effort, but what you'll find is the more often you do it, the more you'll be able to see your life, your relationship, and yourself through his eyes. And no, he's not going to be right all the time. But if you can understand what he's thinking, then you can actually help mold and fix the situation. Now I'm going to flip it too, because sometimes the issue is not that you think you're right all the time. Sometimes the issue is that you don't value your own opinion, and most of your self-talk is already saying that he's right, especially if there's any gaslighting or verbal manipulation or abuse going on. So if that's the case, you need to practice an opposite routine of My opinion is valuable and my thoughts are valuable. I'm right. And again, here's the kicker. Use those words. Say it out loud when you're interacting with your spouse. You're right, or what I have to say and think matters. It's gotta be the opposite of what you usually do in order to have the best impact, in order to have any impact, actually. Next, I'm gonna ask you to shift the responsibility of your happiness back to you. A big pitfall we get into in relationships, and I have been there myself, is that especially in marriages, we begin to put the onus of the responsibility for our happiness on our partner. We expect them to complete us, of course, right? We expect them to meet all of our needs, to show up exactly how we need them to in our lives, often without our even requesting it. And then we get uber disappointed when they don't show up and we sit in silent pain. So what I'm not saying is that your needs are too much. I'm not saying that you are too much. You aren't. Your needs are valid and you absolutely— that's with the exclamation point— you absolutely need to get your needs met. But he might not be the one to meet every one of them, and you need to figure that part out. Short of any type of abuse— and if that is happening, you need to stop listening to this podcast because I can't help you learn to be healthy in an unsafe environment— but short of any abuse, you need to be in a place where you're happy in your life. Separate from your spouse in order to ever really be happy in your marriage. And if you aren't happy as an individual, it's not his fault. That's your job. That's your job to figure out why and work towards getting there. You getting content on your own will dynamically change your relationship because first, happy people are more attractive, but also happy people don't tolerate unhealthy boundaries, and happy people are also contagious. Now I must mention that as you focus inward and as you start to work on finding your own happiness separate from the relationship, yes, the system will change, he will change, but sometimes the change will be for the worse initially. Because remember, the system always wants to be in the same place it was before. There's a striving for equilibrium. And so in order to do that, he might have to pull you down. And sometimes this is a conscious thing, and sometimes this is a subconscious thing. Like think about dieting sometimes. times. Couples will sometimes talk about how the— it feels like the other person is sabotaging their diet. Well, it may feel like your partner is sabotaging your happiness when you start to really work on going inside and finding it. But the good news is that if you stay strong, because this is where most women stop, they go, oh, this isn't working. Oh, this is making it worse. If you maintain, the system will rise to meet A new equilibrium. Because remember, the system always strives for equilibrium. If he can't pull you back down, he's going to have to rise up. It's just simple physics. So these tips are not exhaustive, but get started on these and give me some feedback. What changes do you see in your spouse? And if you want more on this topic, check out my article on the website, How to Work on Saving Your Marriage When You're Doing It Alone. The website, of course, is drzoeshaw.com. My goal is to help you stay strong in difficult relationships. Reach out if you need some help. So thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and you can connect with me by texting the word strong to 38470. I look forward to connecting with you ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.
