Consider This Before You Promise To Change For Your Partner

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here. Today's topic is consider this before you promise to change for your partner. But first up, as usual, my win and my fail. My win is that I had a wonderful birthday weekend. I'm not usually the type of person to celebrate my birthday for days or even a whole month. I know some people have their birthday Weekend, her birthday month, but my win is that it kind of happened that way. My birthday was on a Saturday, and my friend Christina asked if we could get together at her house on Friday night with my friends to celebrate. And it was so much fun. We ate Thai food, we drank good tea, and we chatted up the night. And they gave me the sweetest, most thoughtful gifts. And so then Saturday, I went out with my kiddos to this art museum, and It's called Flutter. It's an interactive art museum, which we've been wanting to go to for years, but COVID. And so now we finally got a chance to go. It was really fun. My husband couldn't be there because he was filming, unfortunately, but me and my older son, Kai, met us there, and the kids had a really great day, and we had an early dinner. And the girls made some nice gifts for me, and the boys also got me some really wonderful gifts. And so then Sunday, my bestie Rosie, she treated me to a private training session with a fantastic trainer. My glutes and hams and really my whole entire body was sore for at least 3 days. It was such a good workout. So she treated me to that trainer, and then we had a brunch and we ate a ton of food afterwards. So my true win, honestly, is that I have wonderful life-giving relationships that I have cultivated that have allowed me to have intimate time with friends and my family for 3 days straight over my birthday weekend, even though my husband's gone on location. So that's my My win is relationships. My fail— ah, gosh, guys, my fail. I get embarrassed just sharing my fails with you sometimes, but that's when I know that they need to be shared. This is real-life stuff, and we don't always score. It's funny because I noticed that all of my win metaphors are sports-related. I guess that's because of my foundation as an athlete. So I was invited to speak At a summit, and I've spoken at a number of summits virtually and in person, and I'd actually done this particular woman's summit before, and I really like her and I love her energy. And I am proud of my professionalism when it comes to speaking and writing and my work. And so when I fail, it's a harder blow. I showed up to this virtual summit about 40 minutes early. I silenced my notifications. My laptop was acting a little wonky. And so I typed the link instead of clicking on the link to get to the summit. This was a virtual summit. Summit. Did I mention that? And so I sat and I listened to the other speakers, and I was really engaged in their content. And then my scheduled time to get on stage was approaching, so I readied myself and nothing. I noticed the interviewer seemed to be dragging on the last speaker, and then when she ended, she just started talking, and I felt like she was droning on, and it seemed like she was wasting time, which I didn't understand because the call time had passed for me to come onto the virtual stage. Then I noticed on the spreadsheet that my name was crossed out and the next speaker after me was brought onto the stage. I immediately emailed the event coordinator to see what was going on. I let her know, hey, I'm here. Why was my speech canceled? What's going on? And it turns out they had been calling and texting me saying that they were stalling and waiting for me to show up. Remember, I silenced my notifications and I didn't even think to check them. I had used the wrong link and I entered as an audience member instead of a speaker backstage, so they couldn't actually see me and they thought I wasn't there. So it took us a few minutes and I finally got back in. And I spoke afterwards after the current speaker, but I was already a little shaken up at my faux pas and so was the interviewer. But the show must always go on, right? And it did, but she kind of cut the interview short and I felt like it was kind of a bust. I did get some wonderful feedback from audience members, but honestly, I messed up. I take full responsibility for my mess-up. If I had read the directions more clearly, I would have entered the entire link. One lesson that I did learn is that if I ever have a live event, I should do a run-through first. The second lesson is a harder lesson, is that I'm, I'm just not always going to get it right. I'm going to mess up and I'm going to be embarrassed. And I need to honor that and apologize and move forward and work on my own self-talk and remind myself, despite how I might feel, this is not a declaration that I am Unprofessional, or I have failed, or I am a flake, or any of those things. It was an honest mistake. So that was my fail. I'm gonna speak at another event live March 1st, live in person. It's funny, I was telling somebody else, oh, it's a live event, and they're like, oh. Now they think of live as just like coming on live on Instagram or Facebook. I'm like, no, it's like real people in the same auditorium sitting down watching me speak, like a real in-person event. Okay, on to the topic. Consider this before you promise to change for your partner. So here's the scenario. Something happened. You messed up again. Your partner gave you an ultimatum, or you hit rock bottom on some level. Maybe the scale screamed a bigger number than you've ever seen or even want to admit. Maybe your boss gave you a subtle warning that your job could be on the chopping block. Maybe you woke up with that hangover after you promised again you wouldn't have more than one glass. And you tell yourself, okay, that's it, I'm going to change. And you make that promise to yourself that a little voice says you may not keep, but you're going to push that thought away because this time it will be different. And so you set about, determined to hold fast, and the next thing you know, you're in the refrigerator and you watch yourself slowly bring that big bite of pasta to your mouth. Or you're in the meeting and you stay silent instead of speaking up once again. Or maybe you said that thing that you promised your partner you would never say again, and you feel so defeated. So before you resolve to make the promise once again, to say, I promise I won't, or I promise I will, when your actual ability to follow through may wane by the crack of dawn on the Earth's next rotation, I'm going to give you some questions to talk to yourself about. Get a pen and paper or text yourself on your phone. Okay. Does anybody else send texts to themselves, by the way? It's the quickest note strategy, and I will even send myself long voice texts when I'm out running. And the cool thing is, at least on an iPhone, it shows up as a new text even though you sent it to yourself, so you won't forget to check it later. Anyway, I got off topic. Take these questions down and ask yourself before you ever promise to change. Number 1, what purpose does this behavior I'm trying to change serve in my life? See, quickly promising to change before you've even evaluated how this serves you in your life can lead to resistance and ultimately a failure to change. Yes, even negative, detrimental behaviors benefit us in some way, or we wouldn't do them. I have a habit of being late. I really dislike this about myself most days, but not often enough to significantly change this behavior, unfortunately. I'm not horribly late, just annoyingly late. You know that saying that if you're on time, you're late? Yeah, I don't comprehend that. If I'm on time, it's perfection in my mind. Maybe now that I've spoken it out loud, I'll actually be embarrassed enough to work on it. Many people say that being late demonstrates a lack of respect. I completely disagree, being a regular late person. I think it definitely can for certain people who feel the world revolves around them and who are truly inconsiderate of other people. That's not me. I've searched my heart regarding that, and I know that I am considerate of others, and I'm horrified if I ever inconvenience someone else with my tardiness. I tend to not run late when it will affect someone else's ability to do something, which also tells you and me that I can control it. So in seeking to change this character flaw, as some would call it, I have to ask myself the question, How does running late serve me? What benefit am I removing from myself if I work on being prompt, on time? Because I could just jump to, I promise I will never be late again, but I'm ignoring the roaring engine driving this behavior, and I'm ignoring myself and actually doing myself a disservice. Okay, so if I take the step with myself, how does this running late serve me? Well, in addition to being easily distracted and challenged with time management, I have a fundamental desire to not waste time, and I like to squeeze every ounce of the time I have. My name means life, and I feel like I just want to live to the utmost. So if I arrive early, I feel that I failed to squeeze one more thing in, and now I'm wasting time waiting for that thing to start. So that small benefit I receive from running late can sabotage my efforts to get to places on time, right? So if I'm going to be able to change this behavior, I've got to acknowledge that benefit. I've got to honor it and contend with it. And one of the ways I've done this is that I bring an iPad everywhere I go. So if I arrive early, I can always work on my writing while I wait, and then I don't feel like I'm wasting time. When I understand where it comes from, where my drives come from, It only makes it easier to change. And of course, I know the angle I need to take in order to change it. This also applies to the changes that you promise yourself you will make and changes you promise your partner that you'll make. See, desperation can drive us to make promises that make us feel better in the moment, but they set us up for teaching ourselves that we are not to be trusted. The relationship that you have with yourself, dear woman, is a real live breathing relationship. Just like you have to build up trust in a partner and you guys have to work to build re-trust when trust is broken. The same is true with your relationship with yourself. So when you don't follow through on your own promises to yourself, you might think that there's no victim, that you're not really letting anybody down, but you're wrong. Your being able to follow through on your promises is, is actually coloring the lens through which you see yourself. And that lens becomes an echo chamber that then confirms and changes your behavior. I know it's not simple, but it's true. Now, we should work to make necessary changes in our lives, but first we have to start with honoring and understanding why our behavior is what it is to begin with. Before you commit to a change with yourself or a partner, you need to respond to your partner in this following way: I can hear that you're requesting a change from me. Your needs matter and I want to meet them, but I also don't want to make any promises that won't work for either of us in the long run. So I want to think about it, and I'll get back with you about how I can make those changes. And can you tell me why you want me to change that to begin with? See, it's crucial that you understand why your partner wants you to change. It could be that the end goal of his request can actually be met in another way that doesn't require change from you. So ask these questions. Number 1, is this something really necessary to change? This is an important question to ask because it could be a nice-to-have, but not a deal breaker or not a, this is really important in our relationship kind of thing. So before you make any kind of promises, you want to know, is this something really necessary to change? How can I replace the benefit if I change the behavior? So this is what we already talked about. If you figure out what am I getting from this, then you can figure out how to get that same thing in another healthier way. Is it the behavior or the result that's bothering me? So this is if you want to change or your partner wants you to change, what is the thing that's bothering you the most or bothering your partner the most? Is it the actual doing of the thing, the behavior, or is it the result? And this matters because this can help you figure out how to best set into motion whatever change you may need to make or may choose to make. Number 4, how is this behavior damaging me or my relationships? If you can recognize that the behavior is damaging, Then it's definitely time for a change. Number 5, do I really want to change it or does someone else want me to change it? This is where you have to step out of yourself for a minute and really try to look deeply at your motivations. If this comes from an intrinsic desire to uplevel, to move towards health, to move towards productivity, if this is an internal thing and you really want to change for you, great. If you're only making the change for someone else, You have to ask yourself at what cost, because if you're only making a change for someone else and you have not internalized this as a you thing, then you will feel resentment over time. And remember, the only, only reason to make a change is to improve your relationship or to improve your life or to honor or respect your partner. If promising to make a change will actually be the thing that damages the relationship more because you can't follow through, you feel resentment, It's not working for you in your life, then you're actually hurting yourself. So you've got to ask yourself these questions so that you make sure that this change will actually be an improvement to yourself and your personal life, one that you can grow from and learn to trust yourself as you make the steps to change it, or in your relationship, that your partner will be able to trust you and that you will be demonstrating to your partner that you care about what matters to him. But you can only do this if you make a promise that you know that you have every— well, not just intention to keep, because we always have the intention to keep the promises, but if you make a promise that you've set yourself up for success in doing it. We often make promises because we are feeling desperate or we don't want to lose our partner, or we're just feeling these emotional things that I talked about in the beginning of this episode. And that's a good impetus. For wanting to make change, but that does not create lasting change. That's where we have to implement the reasoning. We have to implement knowing ourselves well. We have to implement the steps to make the change and understand why we're doing it and that ultimately it will benefit us. And if it won't, then you can't make the promise. It won't help you. It will just make things worse. So you'll have to figure something else out instead. Maybe talk things through, maybe figure out another alternative, but don't make that promise if you aren't going to be able to keep it long-term. So number 6 is, will I resent anyone if I make this change? And I'm not asking you if you're going to resent in the minute. I'm not asking you if you're going to resent in a week. I want you to look long-term at your relationships and figure out in the long run, will I resent this? Number 7, how can I start this change in the smallest increment? This is a great question you need to ask yourself because jumping right into any kind of change is usually a recipe for disaster. You want to start in a very small way that's completely attainable and start working slowly towards something that looks more like the end product or health. All of your desire to change matters little if your reason to not change overpowers it on any given moment. So when you hear yourself saying, yes, I need to work on that, or I'm going to fix that, I want your question to be, why? Why do you need to change that? Because he doesn't like it? Why do you need to fix it? And once you have your why, it will make things so much easier. These are some things, some questions, some ideas that I want you to consider before you promise to change yourself To yourself, or before you promise your partner that you will change. And I just want to leave you with a reminder that you're perfect the way God made you. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go out on Tuesdays. Please subscribe to my email list so that you can get encouragement in written form from me, from my box to yours. Have a strong week.