Doing Deep Work: How To Keep Shallow Distractions From Stealing Your Life

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here today. Today's topic is going deep with yourself, reclaiming what distracted living is taking from you. But first up, my win and my fail. My win is that I mailed off the last of the boxes to be shipped to my sisters and then driven to Rhode Island to drop off Sage At school. We've got 2 more weeks left and then we're headed off. For those who don't know, I live in California. I've raised my kids in the Los Angeles area and my second son is going to school in Rhode Island. So we've got a big trip ahead of us. I've been probably boring you guys with the details, but it's kind of a big deal for this mama here. But my win is that we finally shipped off the last of the boxes. So now we just have to— Fly there. Oddly enough, my mother is getting married the same weekend. So we're flying to Maryland, my mom is getting married, I'm literally leaving immediately after the ceremony, and we're driving up north to Rhode Island to drop my son off. So it will be a busy but lovely, wonderful trip. My fail is that I lost my phone in my house and it derailed my entire day because I had some phone sessions planned In the car when I was driving. And I don't even know if I have a phone at the house. I technically do, but I don't know where it is. I don't know how to access it. We need to probably cut the thing off. I've been spoiled by my Apple Watch because my Apple Watch, I can always click it. If you guys have Apple Watches, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It will find my phone for me. It'll ding my phone. Well, somehow, long story I won't get into, it got disconnected from my phone. So I couldn't find my phone. I had to leave to get to an appointment on time, but I also had a phone session on the way to the appointment because I schedule my life like that. So I managed to have an entire therapy session on my Apple Watch. It worked, so I guess I can't complain about that. I did eventually find my phone. I had left it out in my backyard in the garden. Why? I have no idea, but that's where it was. Anyway. That was my fail. I wanna come up with some really cool, like, learning lesson from that, but I just don't have one today. Let's get onto the topic. Going deep with yourself. I read the book Deep Work by Cal Newport, and this book is really a perspective changer for anyone who creates and produces original work or content. So writers, authors, scientists, artists, et cetera. If you're a creator, you have to get this book. Read it hands down. But if you are not, and I recognize that makes up probably the majority of you out there listening to my podcast, I still feel that there is value in going deep in life, of course, rather than just staying on the surface. And that's what I want to talk about today. So what does going deep mean? Well, Newport revealed that much of our daily life is spent in what he calls shallow work. I don't think this is going to be a surprise to you. Shallow work he defines as non-cognitive. logistical, or minor duties performed in a state of distraction. And he describes deep work as activities performed in a state of distraction-free concentration that push your cognitive abilities to their limit. Hmm, that sounds like work, maybe not so fun, but stay with me. So please note that shallow work does not necessarily mean inconsequential work, not at all. Shallow work could be the day-to-day taking care of kids, responding to emails, making appointments, menial work meetings, fixing dinner, running errands, giving baths. This is all very important work. It's necessary to our lives. It's crucial, but it's not deep. It does not take a significant amount of brainpower, even though it can be exhausting work, like arguing with your teenager. Shallow work can also be things like watching TV, engaging in meaningless conversations, scrolling Facebook or Insta, Playing video games or watching YouTube. And we can be left after a day of shallow work feeling like we're getting a lot done. And we are, but shallow work can easily take over our entire lives, and we can go years not realizing that we're just putting out surface fires. So today is not a call of action for you to do less shallow work. Shallow work is the oil that keeps your life moving. I know that. But deep work, the creative work that comes from deep inside you, that's what gives it meaning. Now maybe you're thinking, well, that's not what I do. I'm a mom, or I'm a nurse, or I'm not creating something. But I would challenge you on that one. No matter what you are doing, you can benefit from deep work because no matter what you are doing, you are creating something. You're either creating what you want. In a deep way, or you're creating what you don't want in a shallow way. Now, my podcast is about helping you foster better relationships, especially that one with yourself. And we cannot be in close, intimate, healthy relationships with people with whom we only share shallow conversations. And that goes for yourself too. Now, I did an episode, I think last week, about knowing yourself better, and all of that applies. So if you're trying to think about how can I know myself better, go back and listen to that episode. Because deep work is about engaging in healthy, intimate conversations with yourself where you ask the hard questions and you seek to find the answers. It requires quiet space and intentional, focused time. It requires you getting quiet and getting away from distraction. So what are the ways we can fit all of this beautiful quiet time into our busy lives? Now, it does take time to change your focus. So you've got to make a practice of moving focus away from things. Your house, your car, your entire closet, your devices have nothing to do with creating any lasting impact on your soul or your legacy when you die. They're important. They are because they aid in creating the quality of life that you desire, that you've worked hard for. And you should do the things to get them, but you need to focus on what lasts. What lasts? Your soul, your relationship with God, the words you leave behind, whether deeply implanted into your loved ones through conversations over the years or in written form, the impact you had on others. These things matter. These things last. All the rest is fluff. Now, I know you know this, but sometimes we need a reminder. I know I do. I like nice things. I like my car, and I like my house, and I like all the accoutrements. But I have to remember and remind myself that although I do work hard to have these things, these are not the marrow of life. They're just the seasoning. So today, my friends, I'm going to call you out, and I'm calling myself out too. Believe me, I am not on this pedestal wagging my finger at you. I am down beside you saying, come on, we can do this. It matters. So number 1, I'm asking you to watch less TV. The average person spends 5 hours and 4 minutes watching TV per day. That pains me. We can do all kinds of math to figure out how much that is, and it doesn't matter. It's a lot. I don't watch TV generally, And remember, I'm not on this pedestal, but I certainly struggle with my social media scrolling sometimes, which is essentially the same or worse, right? I keep control of my social media dives by creating a goal each time I go in. Yes, I use this language because I have to prepare like I'm about to run headlong into a battlefield of distracting landmines. My mission when I go on Instagram is to get in and out in less than 2 minutes. And I remind myself of the mission whenever I click that little pink camera. The same for other social platforms. Can I actually do that? Yes. Most of the time when I'm intentional about it, I can actually do that. And when I find that I'm on there for longer, I can have a conversation with myself about the cost-benefit analysis. Maybe because reality is Instagram is part of my work. I have to do it. But it's also so distracting, so it's easy to get in there to do work and get lost down, you know, a cavern of really cute reels. But yes, when I'm intentional, I can actually accomplish this. When people ask me, how do you do it all? I don't say this, but my answer is I get an extra 5 hours a day that the average person doesn't have because I don't watch TV. Remember, I'm not putting myself on a pedestal. I just want to call us both out because remember, I can spend less time on social media. I do have movie night with my family most Saturday nights, and this is an intentional hour and a half or 2 hours, however long the movie is, per week that I choose to spend with the screen and my family. But otherwise, no TV. Now before you go getting upset, I'm not saying that you have to do this. It works for me. If it doesn't work for you, then find your thing. Find the thing that you spend a lot of time on that may be surface. Find your space in your own way. This is just a little nudge to remind you that space is there to be found. I encourage you not to fit yourself in the cracks today. Instead, make space for yourself. Okay, number 2. Practice being bored, which is hard for a busy woman. I have not mastered this. I don't think I've actually been unintentionally bored since 2001 when my oldest son was born, but I have been intentionally bored. I've learned that making myself sit and twiddle my thumbs, making myself sit with open space generates creativity. So whenever you're waiting in a line, at a restaurant, for a friend, at a stoplight, make a pact with yourself That you'll use this time to think deeply and not reach for the distraction of your devices. This is a really easy way to incorporate meditation in, as well as allowing your brain a chance to explore. Explore what? You might ask. I don't know. That's for you to find out. Number 3, I want you to think more to sleep better. So many women have issues with sleep. Either you can't get to sleep or you wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts racing and your sleep doesn't feel restorative There are a lot of different sleep issues that women bring to me, and often it's about their thoughts and how they're distracting their sleep. Did you know that deep thinking during the day can completely alleviate this? Here's what's going on. You spend much of your day ignoring yourself. You push away your feelings, you distract yourself with devices, busyness, and all of the experiences so that you don't have to deal with what your mind really needs to focus on for health and growth. Because honestly, sometimes it doesn't feel good to focus on these things. It's easier to distract ourselves from it. So when you finally quiet your mind and you try to go to sleep, or even worse, you distract yourself to sleep with TV, radio, medication, or even a book, your brain is only then finally able to process all the things that you weren't processing when you were conscious. And this is so unfair because you're shortchanging your brain. It needs more time than your sleeping hours to process your life, and at least some of the processing needs to be done consciously. So it wakes you up, or it keeps you up, with all these thoughts that you don't want because now you want to go to sleep. So give your brain what it wants and make a habit of practicing below-the-surface living, deep living, deep thinking. Give your brain enough space. That it only needs to process the subconscious issues during sleep, and then your sleep will be more restorative and your waking hours will feel more congruent and connected. I'm going to leave you with a quote that I first heard when I think maybe I was a sophomore in high school. It really spoke to me then, and happening on it just recently spoke to me again. It's by Henry David Thoreau. I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not when I came to die discover that I had not lived. I did not wish to live what was not life— living is so dear— nor did I wish to practice resignation unless it was quite necessary. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life, to live so sturdily and Spartan Like as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive into a corner and reduce it to its lowest terms. Now, of course, this goes on and on, but this is beautiful. And if we could all live deeply all the time, I'm sure it would be phenomenal. Or maybe it would be weird. But my hope for you today is that you walk the edge towards sucking the marrow out of life. The dishes and the email, the taxes and the homework assignments— yeah, they all need to be done. I get that. But the actual living of life that happens outside of the mandatory tasks— my hope for you is that you say no to distractions and you dance there regularly. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe to my email list so that you can receive weekly encouragement from me and have a Wrong week. Go think deeply.