Feeling Lonely on Valentine's Day - Even When You're in a Relationship

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, I'm Dr. Zoe. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Do you know what's worse than being alone on Valentine's Day? Being in a relationship and still feeling lonely on Valentine's Day. That's what we're going to talk about today. What to do when you're in a relationship and you still feel lonely on Valentine's Day. But first up, I'm going to do what I do every week, and I'm going to share my win and my fail for the week. So my win is that I really wanted to tell a little white lie. I mean, is there really any such thing as a little white lie? A lie's a lie, right? I wanted to lie, y'all. And here's the thing, if we're being real— and I try hard to be real on this podcast because otherwise what's the point, right? We all want to lie sometimes. And so let me tell you what happened. So I have a pretty open work day today, but I do have a podcast interview scheduled at 1 or 2 o'clock, someone coming on our podcast, this podcast. And I got an opportunity to go to a Bruno Mars concert with my best friend Rosie to celebrate our birthdays, which our birthdays are this month. And I decided I really wanna go, so I have to take off for my flight around 12, but of course I have an interview at 1. So I wanted to send a professional email that said, you know, gave some kind of white lie about why I needed to cancel. The interview today, and instead my win is that I didn't do that. I could have just not even given an excuse and just said, hey, I just need to cancel, I'm so sorry. But number one, this guy is more than an acquaintance, he's a friend. And number two, I've already canceled on him before. And so I didn't want to tell him, hey, listen, I'm ditching you for Bruno Mars. But I did. I actually emailed him this morning and I said, hey, listen, I'd really like to tell you something else that, you know, some kind of professional reason why I'm— I need to cancel this interview today. But the real reason is that I got an opportunity to go to Bruno Mars concert in Vegas with my bestie for our birthdays, and I'm ditching you for Bruno. Is that okay? Can we reschedule? And I did apologize, and he sent me back a really sweet email like, of course you should ditch me for Bruno. So even though it's the second time I've canceled on him, And that's super unprofessional to really just say that I'm ditching you for a Bruno Mars concert, but I spoke the truth because I should, and there's my win. And even just listening to me say this, I feel so silly, but I'm all about vulnerability and I can always take it back because what I realized is what really, what it really is, is that I felt shame. I felt shame that I was making the choice to ditch a colleague and a meeting we had set up because I really wanted to go to this concert. And when I was able to release the shame and say, you know what? I am almost 50 years old. I've been— I've established my career. And if I want to go to a Bruno Mars concert, I'm going to cancel appointments. And so I did. And I'm going to be honest about it. And so I was. So there you go. And so my fail. So my fail, I don't even know if it's a fail, but it is a disappointment. My daughter, I think I told you guys last week I was having some difficulty with her, my sweet Sully girl who will be 18 soon. She had a medical emergency very much associated with her Prader-Willi syndrome, and that day I had to cancel a number of clients. So if you clients are listening, I did not cancel you for a concert. I canceled you because I was in the ER all day with my daughter. But I guess my fail feels like, oh, I feel like I'm kind of just not On, for lack of a better word. I have not been on this week. And so I do truly hate canceling clients. It is frustrating when life kind of falls apart and you got to do what you got to do. So I don't know if it's a fail. I think it's just a disappointment and it's just a continuation in the journey, the beautiful bittersweet journey of being a mom of a child with special needs. My win is that I was honest when I didn't really want to be. And in my fail, It's not a fail, is it? It's just sharing with you guys about the reality of the difficulty of life sometimes. So I'm excited to talk about Valentine's Day because it's everywhere, and we can't really run away from it, can we? And it's funny because as I schedule appointments for Valentine's Day, some of my clients are asking me, "Oh, are you working that day?" And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm working that day." It's Valentine's Day, it's not like a national holiday, is it? So I'm excited to talk about Valentine's Day because it can be one thing when you're by yourself on Valentine's Day and you can prepare and you know that's going to happen, and it's hard because you're watching everybody else in love and you're watching all the commercial, um, part of Valentine's Day, and maybe you feel a little bit left out. But today I'm going to talk to the woman who is in a relationship, and she still feels left out of Valentine's Day. And you know it's interesting because you guys know I've talked to thousands of women over the course of 20 years working, 25 years working as a therapist, and I often hear that story of the woman who's repeatedly disappointed in her marriage on Valentine's Day. And then I hear the story of the woman who's resigned and doesn't even expect. to celebrate Valentine's Day. And then I hear some interesting stories of the women who celebrate themselves on Valentine's Day. I have a friend who buys her own gifts and tells her partner that this is what he bought for her for these special occasions, which I think is actually— it works. And so I think part of what we need to talk about today is how can we make it work for you? Because maybe if you're in a difficult relationship, and maybe if your husband just isn't into celebrating Valentine's Day, or maybe if you guys aren't just connected in that way, it can be hard and it can hurt. But how can you take care of yourself this Valentine's Day? How can you love yourself? So when I wrote my self-care book, the entire month of February was just focused on love. But it wasn't just focused on expressing love to all your people. It was also focused on expressing love to yourself. So first I'm going to talk about what to do if your partner disappoints you on Valentine's Day, and then I'm going to talk about how you can take care of yourself. So the very first question I always ask a woman who feels very disappointed on Valentine's Day is, one, did you make your needs clear? And so many women don't like to hear that because they think, it's Valentine's Day, isn't it apparent everybody else in the world is doing something special and he's not? Do I have to scream it at the top of my lungs? And my answer is no, you don't have to scream it at the top of your lungs. But the reality is some people celebrate birthdays, some people don't. Some people celebrate Christmas, some people don't. Some people celebrate other holidays and some people don't. And so if you grew up in a family or an environment that celebrated Valentine's Day and your spouse didn't, I think we need to pay attention to that. But that's also not an excuse for any spouse to not do something that matters to your partner, right? And so I also, I just want to make sure that you're at least creating an accurate Story for yourself about what's going on, because when we don't get our needs met, we often create a story that says they don't care about me. Sometimes it's accurate, but sometimes it isn't. And so I want to make sure number one, you're creating an accurate story. So at the very least, you need to ask yourself: Have I made my needs clear? When I didn't get that surprise Valentine, or when I didn't get you know ask to spend time with or a card or flowers. Was I able to go to my partner and clearly express the importance of that day to me? Even though it's a commercialized day, it's okay that even though Valentine's Day is this crazy commercialized day, it's okay if it still means a lot to you, and it's okay if you want your partner to celebrate that. You deserve that, and don't take that away from yourself. It's also okay if you don't care about Valentine's Day, but what's most important is that you guys are on the same page. So if you haven't made your needs clear, then what you need to do is go to your partner, whether it's been 1 year or whether it's It's been 30 years, and I know sometimes people feel like, well, I never did and it's too late. It's not too late. You're still alive, right? You still have needs, right? They matter, right? So you need to go to your partner and you need to say, hey, listen, maybe I've never said this before, or last year this didn't happen. I just want you to know that Valentine's Day matters to me, and I'd like us to do something big or small to celebrate our love. And so how would you like me to do that for you? And I can tell you how I'd like you to do that for me, or give you some ideas if you'd like. So that's making it very clear to your partner, this is what I need. And if your partner still chooses to not meet that need, then you also need to go back and make it very clear. When I told you what I, I needed and you didn't give that to me, It made me feel like what? It made me feel like you're not concerned about what matters to me. You need to just be very clear about what his lack of response made you feel. Now, that's not nagging. That's not in any way inappropriate. You say it in a voice similar to the way that I just did, with a healthy tone and attitude. That's what your responsibility is in the relationship, is to make your needs clear and to make Your feelings clear when your needs aren't met. So let's talk about what happens if it just still doesn't happen. And so clearly there's more conversations that need to be had at some point because if your partner is truly not willing to meet you in that way, then there are probably multiple ways that your partner is not meeting your needs, not caring for you. And I'm also thinking about that woman out here that just feels like you know what? I don't even want him to do that for me anymore. Our relationship has fallen apart to such an extent that that doesn't even feel like it's an option as a part of our marriage or relationship anymore. And so if you're in that place, I just want to encourage you that you can make change in yourself so that you can be as healthy as you can in an unhealthy relationship. But ultimately, you also just need to kind of think about ways that you can confront and create healthier boundaries for other aspects of your relationship. But we're not talking about that today, but we do on other podcasts. We meaning me. Okay, and so if you are in this space of, I know I'm not going to get my needs met, I've asked and I've asked and I'm disappointed every Valentine's Day, then dear friend, my question to you is, how can you care for yourself in the most beautiful way this Valentine's Day. Because no, maybe you can't celebrate love in the same way that you would want to with your partner, but because you are the very most important relationship in your life, I'm really encouraging you to do what you already know you need to do, and that's love yourself. And that's send a token of love to yourself. That's demonstrate to yourself, remind yourself on this special day That you are important and you matter and you are your very best Valentine. And so as you're listening to this, whether it's the day before Valentine's Day, on Valentine's Day, or next year in the middle of the year, it doesn't matter. I'd like to invite you to care for yourself in such a way that you would want to be cared for. And so I want to encourage you to go through your entire day imagining as if you absolutely Adore yourself. How would you treat someone that you absolutely adore? How would you greet them when you look at them? So when you look at yourself in the mirror, how would you greet yourself if you just absolutely adored yourself? How would you touch yourself? How would you take care of yourself? Where would you take yourself? So I want you to think about, okay, today I'm just going to adore myself. What would that look like? Often, you know, we give so much of the best of ourselves to. We do it for our people, and we should, but we just have to remember to do the very same thing for us. So if you like flowers, can you buy yourself a bouquet of flowers? It doesn't even have to be expensive. Go to Trader Joe's, they have some cute bouquets. Pick one up and give it to yourself. And what about saying it out loud? We forget about the power of our spoken word. We talk to ourselves all day. We talk to ourselves more than anyone else talks to us. We talk to ourselves more than we talk to anybody else. And that's why I always say we are our biggest influencers, but often we're talking in our head, right? And so I just wanna encourage you, say it out loud. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself how much you love yourself, how much you adore yourself, how awesome you are, all of your best qualities. The same thing that you would do to a lover, to a, you know, best friend, to someone that you just truly adore. Tell yourself out loud exactly how you feel about yourself. And then I want you to tune in. So when we're with someone that we truly love, I feel like our senses are heightened. We're so tuned into them, whether it's their facial expression, their energy, their body language, their movements. And we tend to mimic them, and we tend to pay attention because we're looking for signs of reciprocity of the way that we feel for them. And so I want you to do that with your body. I want you to tune into your body. I want you to take a minute. Really, it can only be just— it only has to be a minute. Lay down, and I want you to pay attention to the sensations in your body. Start with your head, go all the way to your toes, and ask yourself, what am I feeling? How does my body feel here? Do I feel a tightness in my elbow? Let me stretch it. Let me massage it. Let me do something to make it feel a little bit better. Do I feel a little twinge in my back? Let me give myself a little rub. So I want you to just tune into your body, and I want you to care for it. Okay, so I'm giving you lots of ideas, and I hope that you take at least a couple. You certainly don't have to do all of them, but there's nothing that makes you feel more adored and cared for than a love letter sent to you by your favorite person. So write a love letter to yourself. Think about all the amazing, quirky, unique, and beautiful things about you and write them all down. Detail the ways that you love and appreciate yourself. When you finish the letter, listen up, address it, and put a stamp on an envelope. Do you remember those things that you can get at post offices? Get a stamp and mail it to yourself. You deserve it. I am reading actually one of the entries from my self-care book for February 13th, the day before Valentine's Day. Mail yourself a love letter. It actually feels good to get mail, like real mail from the mailbox. When it's not bills. You know what else feels really good is to cuddle up. And so if you don't feel like you can cuddle up with your partner, cuddle up with yourself. You know what I did the other day? I took, uh, one of my favorite blankets and I threw it in the dryer for a while and I let it heat up, and then I wrapped myself in it and it felt so good. You guys all know clothes right out of the dryer, when you put them on, especially if it's cold outside, it feels so good. So I encourage you To get a blanket, warm it up, wrap yourself up on it, wrap yourself up in it on the couch or in your bed, and cuddle with yourself. This is you making yourself warm, held, and comforted, and this is you loving yourself. Okay, last one. Sing your own song. Remember, I already talked about the fact that the relationship that you have with yourself is the most important. It's the foundation of all the other relationships, even the relationship that you have with God. You are the most capable of learning the song of your heart and singing it to yourself when you become a little lost or when you feel a little lonely. So when I talk about singing your own song, I'm talking about finding your own love language and giving it to yourself. Do you know what your love language is? Is it affirmations? Is it acts of service? Is it receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch? You can give all of these to yourself, and then you're going to love other people more brilliantly in that process. So whether it's singing yourself an actual song, one of your favorites, or one that you make up for yourself, get to know yourself, get to know what makes you feel loved, and give it to yourself this Valentine's Day. You don't have to feel lonely, even if you feel alone in many different ways on Valentine's Day, because you've got yourself. You can love yourself. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Please hit that follow or subscribe button so you don't miss an episode and share and review to help others find me too. If you haven't already, go to drzoeshaw.com to sign up for my newsletters to get freebies, quizzes, and encouragement that will help you strengthen your relationships. Connect with me throughout the week on Instagram. I love hearing from you all. Until next time. Bye. Have a strong week.