Finding Health in Long Term Estrangement

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad that you're here today, you guys. So my win, my win, and I can finally announce it, is that I got a 2-book deal with Penguin Random House. My book, my first one, will be out— well, my second book will be out in the fall of 2024, and it's tentatively titled When You're the One You've Wronged. Unraveling the Tangled Threads of Complex Shame to Heal Your Relationship with Yourself. Whew. That is a long title. It's a mouthful. It might change. I'm a bit in the freakout stage because my writing is going very rough. And I am so very thankful to have 2 amazing beta readers, Jennifer Kendall and Brandy Schwabe. They are going to save me right now, as I can barely think as I put words on the screen and having this kind of support is just The biggest win of all. So that is my win. I'm so thankful for them. They've already gotten back to me on my first couple chapters. I'm a little nervous to read the critique, but I need it. And so that is my win. One of my fails is that the wrong version of the episode was played last week. I had recorded an audio version including my intro that was never played. That was Sandy Streams, the Courage Circle episode. It got updated a couple of days ago, but if you want to go back and hear my intro from last week, week, you can go back and listen to it. And I think it goes over why it had been so long since I had posted an episode. My other fail is that some of my summer plans are going down the drain. Summer just started, y'all. I actually want to just be outside right now. But specifically, my plan to go back to the East Coast. If you listened to the last episode, I was just recently in Rhode Island with my son. I helped him pack up his dorm, but I was intending to go back in a couple of weeks for a speaking engagement in Maryland and to visit my daughter and my close high The speaking engagement was canceled for the second time, and I'm way behind on my writing right now, and I need to catch up. So I canceled the trip, and I'm bummed. I know it was the right thing to do, but I really wanted to see my people. And that's life. We have to make hard decisions sometimes that hurt a little bit, but ultimately they're the best, and I know that. And so it is my fail. I'm sad, but it's gonna be okay. I'm gonna reschedule seeing my people, and when I do, it will be beautiful. Okay, so let's dive into the topic today: how to navigate long-term estrangement in families. So in today's episode, we're going to dive into the complex topic of dealing with estrangement in family relationships. Whether you're personally affected or you're just looking to support someone who is, I hope to shed light on this often painful and very misunderstood issue. So you may be estranged from somebody, or you know somebody who is estranged from somebody, or has ended a relationship, and often people and families will say, oh, you know, he doesn't talk to that person anymore, or they disown their parent, or they disown their child. There are often circumstances in families where we all may be aware that certain people don't talk. We might try to sit them apart at family functions or be careful not to invite them both in really close family gatherings. Come on, I can't be the only person that knows about this, right? At least, I mean, it happens in some families, not all, and I think it probably happens more often in some families than others, and we're going to talk about why that might be. And I think some families are better at dealing with it, so some families might really want to avoid or help other people avoid each other, and other people will be like, you know what, you guys figure it out. I'm inviting both of you and you can work it out. And sometimes the estranged family members are divorced spouses, but often they can be siblings, cousins, parent-child dyads, grandparents, or even aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews. Estrangement within families can occur for a lot of reasons, ranging from unresolved conflict, differing values, major life events, or even just a breakdown in communication. What I have found though is that family estrangement all boils down to a result of undealt with trauma. I'm reading this phenomenal book called It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn, and I'll be reviewing it soon, but I must admit it can also be triggering for some because it talks about family trauma. But if you're experiencing issues with estrangement in your family, I highly I highly suggest that you read this book. Although he only talks about estrangement kind of peripherally, the whole book is about trauma in families, and if you're experiencing estrangement, the root cause is likely to be trauma. So I suggest you take a look at this book. In this book, he looks at infant estrangement, toddler childhood estrangement, and adult estrangement. He quotes some really interesting research that's found that people have been— who have been estranged from family members have a higher rate of cancer, immune disorders, anxiety, depression, and reduced overall well-being. I think that this is really good information for us to have, not to make you feel bad, but to understand the effect that estrangement can have on you and how you can better care for yourself if you are in an estrangement situation to mitigate the effects that research has found. Estrangement can be an incredibly painful experience for all the parties involved, and often it'll create feelings of loss, guilt, Grief. For those directly affected, there can be a sense of rejection and a questioning of self-worth, and it can lead to a breakdown of support systems and a feeling of isolation. Because, you know, one person's estrangement or two people's estrangement, it has a ripple effect on families. I'd first like to acknowledge though that not all relationships should be. We certainly don't choose our family, and sometimes we are better off if we cut off communication. Although I think complete shutoff should only be the very rare last result. And I've probably mentioned before that cutting off a relationship is not generally healthy boundary setting. It's a result of boundaries not being able to be implemented, and the reason for this is different in every single scenario. But I also have spoken about the reality that not all relationships should be held on to because of a codependent thinking that believes you should sacrifice self for relationships. Healthy showing up in relationships holds Both the relationship and the self as equally important. If you can hold this mindset, then you're not going to sacrifice relationship for self or self for relationship on a global scale in the relationship. On a micro scale, are we sometimes choosing the greater good in the moment? Absolutely. But on a macro scale, it should look about even. For example, let's say your husband is sick. You're going to take off work to take care of him. You'll be sacrificing pay, productivity, movement in your business, whatever it may be for his best interest. But you're not going to do that every day. And there may have to be days when you choose self over him and you have to trust in the integrity of your relationship such that, you know, he will also do the same for you. Now, if you don't have trust in the integrity of the relationship or reciprocity is rarely, if ever there, then that becomes a macro issue. So I kind of got off tangent, but as we look at the idea of estrangement, let's look at the difference between disappointing, difficult, and toxic relationships. And this matters if you're confused about where your relationship falls. So just think about these following descriptions. A disappointing relationship, and this is by, um, Leslie Vernick. I heard about this on a podcast with Lisa TerKeurst, who's also the author of Good Boundaries and Goodbyes. So a disappointing relationship, Leslie describes as when the relationship is not what you thought it would be. There's no glaring breach or break, but you feel disappointed. Lack of romance, lack of talking or connection, lack of finances, lack of adventure, excitement, or sex, boredom. That's a disappointing relationship. In a difficult relationship, there are many stressors pressing in on the couple that make the relationship challenging. These stressors and difficulties can cause a lot of conflict in a relationship. So these would be things like blended family issues, in-law issues, health challenges, financial pressures, job changes, difficulties with children, cultural or spiritual differences. Now, an emotionally destructive relationship, there is a pervasive and repetitive pattern of actions and attitudes that result in tearing someone down or inhibiting a person's growth, often accompanied by a lack of awareness, lack of remorse, and lack of change. The very personhood is disrespected in an emotionally destructive relationship. Absence of mutual care, absence of honesty, respect, or accountability, no repairing efforts, unequal power dynamic, lack of freedom, chronic deceit, indifference to feelings of others, blame is transferred. So those are 3 different types of relationships: a disappointing relationship, a difficult relationship, and an emotionally destructive relationship. It is only the emotionally destructive relationship where estrangement should even be considered. Everything else is a problem that you need to work out regarding how you can show up in this relationship in the healthiest way, even if the relationship itself isn't that healthy. So if you have chosen estrangement, how do you proceed and deal with it on a long-term basis? First, inform, don't ghost. So if you're thinking about or choosing to end a relationship with someone, If you have gotten to the point of estrangement, remember, adults inform, children explain. So don't explain, because if you're explaining in a relationship that's already essentially toxic, then you are still wanting to engage in a relationship with this person. You are still wanting this person to change. You want to explain yourself so that maybe you can create some kind of change. Don't. It's not going to work if you've already figured out the relationship needs to end. Then simply inform them that you are cutting off communication because it isn't healthy for you, and then do so. Make it simple and quick. And then you've got to grieve. No one is all bad, and few relationships are all bad. So you need to grieve what you've lost, recognizing that grieving doesn't mean you should start Communication with this person again. It's simply an acknowledgment that you've lost something, and you have. Next, don't make your estrangement someone else's responsibility. Remember at the beginning of this episode where I talked about you know sometimes we have people in our family that we know don't talk, and we kind of I don't know if enable is the word, but we definitely kind of tiptoe around that. Don't make your family do that. Make the estrangement your responsibility. So you don't need to inform people. You don't need to make sure they don't. Invite someone just because you don't like them. You show up, you be the big person. You're not communicating with them, don't communicate with them. You need to move a seat, you move a seat. But don't make your estrangement someone else's responsibility. That is codependency. That's asking somebody else to take on your issue, and that's not fair. And then you need to work on acceptance. I don't think it is estrangement that causes the most harm to your body as an adult. I think it's the grudges, the anger, the lack of forgiveness and acceptance that can cause the most damage to your body. So as hard as it is, work on acceptance of what is. Work through your own trauma, your own hurt, your own pain until you can come to a place of neutrality regarding that person. I know that might sound hard, but neutrality is the goal because if you've chosen to get this person out of your life, what you don't wanna do is allow the person to stay in your mind and in your emotions and in your psyche And to continue to affect and hurt you. And so that's your work. That's the work that you need to do so that you can get to a place of neutrality, because that's the only way that you have actually cut off the relationship. Because we can cut off plenty of relationships. We cannot see somebody but, but maintain a robust relationship with them in our mind and our emotion. And that is what causes dishealth and distress. I don't think it's the actual estrangement itself. It's what we allow it to do to ourselves over time. But what if you're the one who someone has ended a relationship with? How do you deal with that estrangement? That's different because you didn't choose it, and sometimes those things that are hard in our life that we didn't choose, it's a lot harder to let those go. Or what if you are the one who has been cut off by a parent, and so then you're alienated from your own children? So maybe an ex-spouse or something like that. That one is so very difficult, and that estrangement—I mean—it just it just causes the most pain for everybody involved. So when we're looking at an estrangement like that, number one, you've got to allow yourself to grieve in the healthiest ways. Sometimes we try to lash out in anger and use our anger to you know fight or make change, or we turn our anger inward and we hurt ourselves. Instead, I'm just inviting you to. Grieve in a healthy way, to really get as grounded in your faith as you possibly can and have conversations with God and pray and meditate and take care of yourself and your body. And of course, of course, you've got to seek legal help if the child is a minor, making sure that you're keeping a log of everything that's going on. And aside from those legal issues, which are not my expertise when it comes to child, uh, parent-child alienation, You know, something that can be helpful while you're in a place of estrangement— and I've had clients who are in divorces and there's been times of parental alienation and estrangement, whether it's been for weeks at a time, for months, or even years— is writing regular letters to the estranged person. So this is whether even, you know, it's a family member or it's your child. Now you can choose to mail them or email them or just keep them for a future when you might have the opportunity to give it to them personally if there's any space in the relationship to mail them, I would. You just want to make sure that it's not— that the content of the letters are not stalky in any way, but really just kind of pouring your heart out to them in a positive way. So writing these regular letters does a couple of things. It allows you to have conversations with someone that you're estranged with. It also allows you or gives the opportunity in the future to repair a relationship, because when you are Writing in real time, there are things that you're going to say that you wouldn't be able to say maybe five years down the road when your relationship is is reestablished. And of course, just being able to get out those thoughts and feelings are very helpful because we're purging instead of holding things in. So here's the hard one: You also need to take responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship. Although some people are just crazy, to use a non-clinical term, and they might have cut you out of their life for no reason. That's not most people. Something happened, and likely something continued to happen, and it—the relationship got to a point where there was a breakdown. And it's time now for you to take a good look at what your part could have been. And this is only to help further your growth. This isn't a time to beat yourself up. We cannot change the past, and we should only look backward, only look backward to gain wisdom for growth. There's zero. Zero purpose. And all we do is damage ourselves when we look backward to blame and hurt. We look backward so that we can take that wisdom and move it forward in our life. And this is the time to be an adult and look at the places that you need to heal. Remember I talked about that trauma? The trauma goes both ways. Trauma in our life can impede our relationships. Trauma in our life makes us show up in ways that maybe damage the other person, hurt the other person. We might not be honest. We might— not— we might have so much shame that we can't really express our true self in a relationship, and that creates distance. And so while you are waiting for a possible reconciliation, you need to focus on yourself and figure out what your part was. And next, you need to be consistently available. And this is so hard. I have women specifically in my practice who have estrangement from family members, children, and Sometimes we can get burned out on writing letters, on trying to be available, on, on feeling like we're putting in so much effort to try to reconcile a relationship and it's not working, and we can get burned out. And so when that happens, take a break. Take a break. Take care of yourself. Regroup. But try in some consistent way or fashion to be available. And if that just means You know, sending out an email or, or if there's any opportunity for any kind of connection, just being available to it. That's all it means is just so that somehow in any way you can make that person know you're available to them if and when they ever feel like and want to rekindle or have a conversation. And last, it's crucial to engage in self-care activities that promote your emotional well-being, such as going to therapy, Man, every time I try to get out of therapy, I find a reason to get back in therapy. Therapy for me is just such a safe place where I can just spill all my guts and know that there's a container, there's an educated, compassionate container that really knows me, where I can express my thoughts and he can bounce them back to me, and I can just see myself in a healthier way. So if that's available to you, I certainly encourage you to do that and to talk this out with someone, with a professional. Journaling. So there's writing letters to that person and there's journaling for yourself. And for some people, journaling is extremely, you know, healing. For other people, maybe just talking into a recorder. But once again, journaling is purging and you've got to figure out your way to purge. There's meditation. I talk about that even in my self-care book. And meditation doesn't have to look like what meditation, you know, looks like for other people. Your meditation, it just needs to be some way of getting quiet with yourself, some way of kind of canceling out the world for a specified period of time. And please make sure that you're engaging in your hobbies and your interests. And also it's essential to reach out to a support network that can provide empathy and understanding if therapy isn't available. And therapy is not everything. My friends, my family, I lean on them so hard. And, you know, therapy is just like one little piece of my support system. And it should be, if you, if you decide to, to utilize therapy, it should only be a small piece of your support system. Therapy therapists are not paid friends. They are therapists. And remember, healing is a process and it takes time. It's important. It's so important that you're patient with yourself and you allow yourself to grieve and you allow yourself to heal at your own pace and you are intentional about not letting go of hope. Especially if someone has has broken off a relationship with you, because remember they broke the relationship off because there's pain. And if they can heal and you can heal, and you're willing to show up differently, and they're willing to show up differently, there's always hope, always. And if you're the person that broke it off with someone else, same thing. You know, I don't know that we should necessarily hold on to hope in the same way. But if we've worked on that acceptance, then we will also be open to the possibility of reconnecting or reconciliation if that person has demonstrated in a substantial, consistent way that change has occurred. That will only happen if we've already hit acceptance, gotten to that place, because if we're still in a place of anger and resentment and bitterness, then we're not going to be able to see anything and we'll be defensive. So it all comes down to self-compassion, self-care, being intentional, working on yourself, acceptance, and hope. There's always hope. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe to my email list so that you can get some encouragement from me and you don't miss the weekly episodes. Until then. Bye. Have a strong week.