Getting Over I Got It Syndrome with Elayne Fluker

Welcome. Today we have a guest, Elaine Fluker. I feel like it's been a while since I've had a guest episode. I'm excited about having Elaine on the show. She has worked in the media as a journalist for more than 20 years before starting her own business in 2016. Elaine is also the host of the podcast Support Is Sexy, and I've been a guest on her show before, and this is the first time she's a guest on mine. Elaine's been seen on the Today Show, ABC Nightline, Inside Edition, CNN, BET, Fox News, Fox, People, just too many to list. You get the picture. And she has a new book coming out. Her book is called Get Over I Got It: How to Stop Playing Superwoman, Get Support, and Remember That Having It All Doesn't Mean Doing It All Alone. I'm excited about her book not just because a chapter of it includes my teachings, but also because it really embodies a lot of what redefining your superwoman means. So I'm excited to have Elaine. We're gonna be talking all about getting over I got it syndrome. Listen up. Oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. My Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. My win is that a number of my clients are now coming to me weekly and addressing their own fails and wins. Obviously they've been listening to my podcast, and I love that they are personally honoring this for themselves. Because that's the very reason that I share it. And I hope that you are too, whether you're talking to somebody else or whether you're just personally and quietly acknowledging your win and your fail. I hope that you are making a weekly practice of it as well. My fail is that I feel like I have made the most amateur of mistakes. I was writing and I had a deadline, my second deadline to my editor. And I had been writing kind of ferociously for about a day and a half. And when I went to get ready to, I think, I don't know, look at my work or something, I clicked discard changes, which I thought was just going to discard the very last thing that I did. And when I clicked on it, it discarded everything that I had done for the last day and a half. And this was about an hour or 2 before my actual deadline was due. So I had to stay up all night. All night long and write really terribly just so that I had something to turn in. And I feel like it was an amateur mistake. I had it on autosave. I was relying too much on that. I should have probably just been saving it, and I learned my lesson, but it definitely felt like a fail. I told my sons the next day, they're like, really, Mom? You weren't saving that? And I was like, it said autosave. So you live and you learn and you suffer the consequences and you learn really well. So that's my fail. Up next, Elaine Fluker, Getting Over I Got It. Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Elaine, I am so thrilled to have you here today. I've been on your podcast before and now you're here and I'm so excited about your book. I know I've already said it in the intro, but I'm going to say it again because I love the title. It's Get Over I Got It: How to Stop Playing Superwoman, Get Support, and Remember That Having It All Doesn't Mean Doing It I feel like that's like everything I talk about, so I love it.

Which is why everyone should know Dr. Zoe is included in the book as one of my experts, an entire chapter. Yay!

Ah, I love that. Yes, I've gotten a chance to read, you know, the pre-pre-pre, and yes, how exciting, and thank you for that.

Absolutely. Thank you for doing that. I'm excited about the book and just sharing, you know, your message and a few— I think I talked to 16 women altogether just from different areas of this message around support, how it's played a role in their lives and how, you know, we can pay attention to how it's played a role or not played a role in our own lives.

Right, right. And that's why I really wanted to share you with my audience because it's what I talk about. So can you just— well, first, sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself. Can you share your Superwoman win and your Superwoman fail?

My super— it's funny, I was thinking about this. My Superwoman win. Oh, I would say my win, if this counts, is that I keep going even when I bump my head.

Oh my gosh, yes.

So, you know, so I always say we're trying to be Superwoman, um, but we're flying at breakneck speeds, you know, and not realizing we're going to crash into a wall. I will say I've slowed down with doing that just because of this whole experience with this book and everything else, but I do still bump my head as we always, you know, tend to do. But I show myself a little bit of grace and keep going and know that that way doesn't work, I'll try it this way, or maybe that way works and it didn't work for me this time. You know, so not giving up, especially as an entrepreneur, a woman entrepreneur, a Black woman entrepreneur, all the things, right? And, and, and bumping my head and keep going, I feel like is a superwoman power.

It is. Yes. So I'm curious. I know, I know we still have to get to your fail, but has this, has writing this book increased your ability to ask for support? Has it changed or did you kind of already have all of that before?

No, I think, and I don't even know, I will be honest if it increased my ability, but it's made me more aware when I'm not asking. Like, I have physical responses. I don't know if anyone can relate to this, but physical responses when I'm taking on too much. Maybe I realize it more now because I'm in my 40s as opposed to in my 30s taking on too much or whatever too much looked like, right? Yeah. Maybe it wasn't as heavy as it is now. I don't know. But I have physical reactions outside of, you know, or in addition to, I would say, anxiety and those kind of things, but also you would know the proper word for a phrase for this, but sort of runaway thoughts. Nothing dangerous or about harming myself, but just your mind can't stop racing. That's right.

Racing thoughts.

In my dreams, just a lot of different things that manifest through symptoms, really, of not asking for support. So I think writing the book has made me a lot more aware of that. And now having actually interviewed women like you and other women who I've taken nuggets from, but, you know, in each section I did, or in each— with each woman, I did a deep dive on the thing that really resonated with me. I feel like I have the tools in my toolbox. I just got to remember to go to the toolbox. So that's what I'm hoping that the book brings to other women who read it. Like, okay, I always say, now you know, you can't unknow it. You can ignore it, right? You can ignore it and not do it.

Yes.

Unknow it. So

yeah, exactly. So your Superwoman fail?

Be quiet. You already, you already know my fail today. So my fail is Double booking, triple booking, forgetting to book. We live by— I'll speak for myself, even though I know y'all do too, but live by our calendar, right? And it's like, if it's not on the calendar, it doesn't exist. So Dr. Zoe and I had a great conversation via Instagram direct message, text message, and all the things, Instagram, about setting up this interview and talking. I was so excited and we came up with a date and a time and of course I missed the date and time until I saw a message from her like, ah, just checking in to see if we're still doing the interview. And the thing is, just yesterday I had a conversation with Carol Cox who hosts Speaking Your Brand podcast, and we were talking about how much we love you. So it's not like you weren't foremost even in mind. And I told her, oh, I have an interview coming up with her. So, you know, that is a bump your head fail.

Yes.

But the keep going was I asked Dr. Zoe, if we could do it later today, if we could do it tomorrow, this weekend, next week, whenever. So we made it happen. So, you know, and that's— I think those are times too when we have to show ourselves a little bit of grace. I have a lot of girlfriends who have children, as I know you do. And I, even though I don't have children, have to remind them of those moments when— well, when kids were going to school, like, okay, you forgot their lunch today. It's okay.

Right.

Right? You know, it doesn't make you a bad mom. If you forgot it every day, maybe. But, you know, it doesn't make you a bad mom. And all these— we all have to be reminded of that. Like, it's okay.

You're doing your best. Yes. And thank you for sharing that. And for my listeners who have been listening to me for years now, I've had a couple of those that I've shared and a couple that I probably haven't.

Right.

Over the course of my podcast. And it's the worst feeling when that happens. But you do, you know, that little inner critic gets in there and starts telling you things about yourself. But the reality is, yes, you have to give yourself grace. So I'm glad you did. And women, we have to give each other grace as well because that also helps in the support process, right? So good. Thank you for sharing.

Of course.

Okay, so tell me, I love— I said this at the top of the show, but you are a host of the podcast Support Is Sexy. I remember when I first heard that, I was like, whoa, I love that. I love that title. So how did you come to the place of seeing support as being sexy and starting to broadcast that to the world?

How did I come to the place? You know, support is sexy, just as a phrase, started for me after I attended this workshop called Momentum in New York. It's also Momentum Education. It's also in LA, and I believe in DC also, maybe Atlanta. But it's a, I would say, a personal development workshop. It's bigger than that. It's over a couple of days, and they have a basic one, advanced, leadership one. And it was within the leadership portion of it with a group of about 25 or 30 people when I realized, and I had no idea, I wasn't aware of this, how much I had an adverse reaction to even the idea of getting support. Right. For me, support, which I didn't realize until going through this, support communicated weakness or— and when I say support, I'm talking about, you know, everything from you have a project at work that you're determined to do all by yourself even though that's not necessary, but for all the reasons, especially, you know, me being a Black woman, if I don't do it by myself, they're not going to think I can do it at all, or I have to do it myself in order to get the promotion, to in a relationship I have to seem independent, or which is a whole false narrative, right, about independence.

Yeah.

So all these other reasons why I didn't even realize unconsciously I was neglecting support. And also, you know, just I'm sure you'll appreciate this from a psychological standpoint, I realized going through therapy that growing up, even though I was in a loving household, we had a lot of people coming in and out of our home in our family because of my parents are those people. They're gonna take in people from the community. My mom has always been that before I was born. Somebody has a problem with their husband, you come live with us. My brother was on drugs, the kids come live with us. This, you know, so it was a very giving, compassionate, but for me, I somehow connected to support is you're in a state of crisis. Oh. So you need support, you know, and I did not really, I'm telling you, talk about therapy, I was like, Right, that might be what the thing was for me. So for me to feel quote unquote strong, right, I would— it would have to be something really, really dire for me to— even then I might not even have asked for support. I might have just eventually had to accept it in some way or another. So going through that process and going through Momentum really showed me, and me witnessing, I will be honest, and other people who were leaders in their industry, all these, you know, diverse group of people and that kind of thing, politicians, just a lot of different people, actors. Take this workshop, and those 2 things that were the hardest for us to ask for, love and support.

Ooh, yes. Those 2 in some ways go together.

Especially if you're the quote-unquote strong one, or the one who's even— the strong one could even mean the go-to person in your family. So my mom has a hard time accepting support, whether it's sick or any small anything, but it's because she's that person in the family. So our identity is attached to that, right?

Right.

So yeah, so for me, the phrase, getting back to support is sexy, after Momentum was over, I had to try to figure out a way for myself to kind of stay in that space, especially, you know, for me being a New Yorker, it's a very isolated— it can be a very isolated city, although there's bajillions of people there. But even connecting with people on the street, saying hello to— like, just all these different practices they have you do. But for me, I kept saying support is sexy whenever I got into that space of Feeling that stress, I'm trying to do this all by myself. Or if someone offered support and the first thing I would say is, "I got it." That's where I got it syndrome. Yes, comes from. You know, you say it without even thinking about it. I got it. It's okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. I realized I was saying that so much, and it's just like, wait a second. Be you know present and think, could this be an opportunity for this person to help you? Could you even if you always say maybe you do have it, but do you have to get it?

You know, have to.

Do you have to get it? Can your husband go ahead and take out the or just whatever it is? It could be anything. Like I said, from work to personal, just to get in the habit of accepting and receiving and being in that space. So that's what helped me by saying that mantra. And then when I started saying it to other women, Dr. Zoe, I would see them light up about it. Like, oh, support is sexy. You know, when I say sexy, I think about a sexy vacation, a sexy dress, a sexy house.

Yes.

Sexy can apply to so many things. So it's not sexual. It's just something that makes you feel lighter, I guess, for me, not as heavy. And, um, yeah, and that's what— that's when it started. Then December 31st, I remember, 2015, I posted— I got Support Is Sexy on Instagram, had no idea what it was going to be, and I just started posting quotes about support and other women that I really admired, and it just grew from there. And

then

the podcast in 2016, and Dr. Zoe was episode 634.

Wow. Very cool.

Yes, so that's where it came from.

That is wonderful. I think that any woman who finally comes to that place, there is that time where they finally get the aha moment. And for me, it was recognizing that not— that saying, I got it, actually equals resentment, and that resentment equals pain for me and the people I love. Because resentment doesn't just sit, right? It seeps. And so for me, that's how I kind of got to that place of redefining my superwoman, which is very similar to your message because I finally connected those two. It's not just, oh, I got it. It's, oh, I'm creating resentment. And so, and then I learned, of course, support is sexy, which I love.

That's so interesting. I think it's such an interesting conversation to have with women, especially, I always say, unapologetically ambitious women. It's hard for us accept support. But this idea of connecting it to resentment, I say usually it's 3 reasons that we say I got it syndrome, right? So maybe this is kind of resentment. You're defiant, so sort of like, I know I have this, I can do it, that kind of thing, you know, posturing thing. Defenses, so an example I mentioned about work where it's because, well, if I let them see that I need support, it says this about me.

Mm-hmm.

And I say the last one, and I've again with friends who have children especially have seen this, That you might feel defeated, right? So you're the person who always gets it, or mom has it, or the, you know, those kind of things. Like, I'm just—

It's easier if I just do it myself.

You already know.

Yes.

But really, it's that you feel defeated, like, oh, nobody's going to help me. But is it— are you holding people accountable to helping you? You know, sort of—

Exactly.

Yes.

You're not.

Exactly. You're not. The answer would be no.

Right. So yes, I agree. Those are the 3 reasons. And what gets created out of that motivation is the resentment.

That's very good. Oh, I might have to try to drop that in.

Yeah, throw that in there.

No, that's— yeah, that's true.

Throw that in there. Okay, so how does that now— well, actually, let me ask you this question. How can women who are sitting here maybe listening to us right now and going, okay, So I see that in myself. I know, I got it, I got it. I heard it now. I'm going to buy your book. But how do I start to do that? It's so hard to just let go. How do I start to do that?

Yeah, I think for me, one, it could be a mantra. So some kind of something that reminds you when you feel yourself being— first, I think maybe figuring out what some of the triggers might be, right? What makes you, like we said about either, are you being defensive, defiant? Do you feel defeated? And none of those things are wrong things, bad things. And it's just for awareness, a sense of awareness. Right. At least that's how I use them. And then saying to yourself, okay, I'm doing that thing again or having that feeling again. And then from there, it's really practice. I mean, even for me, like even showing myself a little bit of grace takes practice. I think of it as a new habit. So getting to that space where you can catch yourself or something I will say that's been very important for me is having girlfriends around me, even when they get on my nerves, say, I thought you were the supportive sexy lady. Why can't I help you do— like, those are my friends.

My friends do the same thing.

Right, like, wait a minute, I thought you're supposed to— whoa, so all this talk about— I'm like, oh my God, I hate you, but I love you and thank you.

Yes, my sister and my best friend, they will say, well, what would Dr. Zoe say about it?

Yeah,

yeah, can you not?

Can you not? Can I please? But those people don't let you off the hook. So when you, when you don't even realize you're doing it, especially when we're in a state— I'll speak for myself— of Not panic, but you know, where I'm just like, no, no, no, I have to, whatever it is, or it's a big project and like you said, I feel like I have to do it, I can't get help. That's when those voices either come through the phone or in my mind like, wait a minute now, I thought you— didn't you write a whole book about support? That's a new thing. Yes. So yeah, I think practice and having folks who can help hold you accountable.

I like that. So finding accountability and also maybe creating a mantra for yourself. So like, you know, for you it can be like, wait, I wrote this book on it, I know what to do, right? Or for me, sometimes I will actually ask myself, Okay, what would Dr. Zoe say about this situation? So maybe it's creating your own little mantra, like, what do I already know about it, right? Writing it down, writing down your little saying or philosophy and just grounding yourself back in it when you start to get in the freakout mode or the overwhelmed mode or exhausted mode, right? I love that.

Yes, I think, and I love the way you said it so beautifully, of grounding yourself in that. It can really be something that Just kind of pulls you back to center and lets you, whatever it is, take a deep breath and thinking about that mantra and saying it to yourself.

Mm-hmm. Yes, I love that. So it's that whole concept of it's easier if I just get it done. And we, we actually just sabotage ourselves in our lives with that because the reality is, you know what, in that moment it might be, you might be able to get that done faster because you do it all the time and you don't ask And so what you have to be willing to do too is to let go of the micromanaging, let go of the idea that it has to be done a certain way and teach your people how to fish, right?

That's right.

Teach them how to do it because when you don't, then you just confirm for yourself because you're like, okay, well let me ask him. Okay, I'm going to ask him. Yeah, he messed it up. That just confirms for me I have to do it because they can't do it right.

That helps me be right, that I'm the one that has to do it. And I think what you said too about teach your people how to fish, and I will say trust that they are doing their best. They're going to keep trying until they get the fishing right. They might not get it right that first time, but they're trying. They want to know how you really like whatever it is and give them a chance to get it. You know, people aren't going to get it right the first time.

Right, because you didn't either, right?

Exactly right. But we don't remember. We don't remember that.

Who talks about that? We got everything now.

Exactly.

So what would you say is a common myth that a lot of women have about the whole idea of maybe superwoman or I got it or I should do it all?

I think that's one of the important words that you just said about should, like I should do this. And I think this was something we talked about in the book, shoulding, I call it, all over yourself, right? And especially as it relates to, you know, we should talk about it relates to things like feminism. You know, obviously there were great things that come out of feminism, but you actually said in the book that then there's that other part of us though that we feel like, well, because other people, other women especially, fought for me to be able to have this career and my children and all the other things that come at us today that we are all doing and taking care of today, right, are having it all.

Right.

We might feel obligated or like you should be able to do it because of those things, as opposed to really taking a moment to be like, and even say, is this something I even want to do? You know, or does it— and does it have to look this way? It can look so many different ways now of what I say having your all and defining your all for you is what we have to do, as opposed to, you know, if I get support, again, going back to this is what it says about me is the myth. This is what it says about me, so I should fill in the blank and do it.

I love that. Yeah, so the biggest myth is really about those I shoulds, and I call that the unintended consequences of feminism, right?

Right.

Yeah, and there's unintended consequences of all the good things in the world.

That's what you just have to—

yeah, recognize that and honor it and not— and kind of try to take the good without also taking the bad. And I love what you just said about asking yourself, do I even want this?

Right.

Because I think we get, you know, starting in, you know, college and start driving, you know, with your career and your life, you just get on this track sometimes and you keep on this track without even stopping and saying, wait, Is this what I want for my life? And I talk about those priorities that we have to— I like to say every 6 months, take a step back, look at your life, evaluate what are my priorities, and then what does my life look like? Because often those do not line up. And if we don't take the time to really look at that, we can get way off track.

I'm so excited because— and I swear I did not— I'll pay her after, but I did not pay Dr. Zoe beforehand to say that because that exercise is actually— I don't know if you remember, but that Is

that in

the book? Yes. And it's both of helping women, the framing of it is helping women really step back and look at their to-do list. And then it's funny, I didn't even make the connection, but it is very much like, are you doing things because you feel like you should? Like you feel like you should, I think your example was be home for dinner every night at 6:00 PM, but yet you're working every night till 8:00

PM.

Like this does not align with what you say is your, what's important to you. So just Is that important? Or is it more important that you do stay at work late so that you can whatever else, get up earlier or whatever it is, and making the connection of what really works for you and your family as opposed to, well, this is what, you know, Instagram or whoever famous mom says I should be doing. So yes. Yes, great. Absolutely. Absolutely. And I actually, if it's okay, I have— we can offer an exercise. We can do it at the end or whenever you like to help women kind of take that step back and look at redefining or just defining, maybe some it's from the start, they're all for them. So there's another exercise that I have with just writing out your, you know, what are your goals? What really matters to you? Why does it matter? When do you want to have this created? When— how will this have an impact on your life, your family? How will it have an impact in the world? So I've created a worksheet around that to kind of— because sometimes, again, I think we have to start from before even getting to support, like, what are the things that matter to me? Something that came up, this was 2008. I remember I was working at iVillage.com and the president at the time, this woman, Deborah Fine, she was— she had an event and she was a speaker and she invited some of the staff to go. I remember this. And she— someone asked her the question I always say they never ask men, how do you balance it all, right? How do you do it?

Right, yes.

And she said this phrase, you have to decide what matters and what doesn't. If you decide that it matters, Make it matter a lot. If you decide that it doesn't matter, then it shouldn't matter at all.

Mm-hmm.

That was it.

I love that.

It doesn't matter that I can't make it to soccer practice because I'm in a meeting, but I can make it home to see my kids go to bed. I've decided what matters and what doesn't. And if I say it doesn't matter, I have to let it go, basically, right? We can't beat ourselves up for saying, I'm the woman that doesn't get home at 6. Well, but did you decide that doesn't matter because it lets you do something else, right? So yeah, so this, this worksheet will help women go through that process.

I just got goosebumps just hearing that statement. That was so concise and so beautiful.

From 2008, I remember.

Wow. Yeah, so it hit you too. You know, there was a time, and I've shared on my podcast before, when my little ones were little and I was working full-time and homeschooling, and I was not getting enough help around the house, probably because I was, you know, I got it syndrome.

Right.

And I remember it might have been a year, I said we are not doing plates and maybe we did utensils, I don't remember, but I just completely got rid of all of our plates and bowls and whatever. I can't— what are they called? Whatever it is. And I bought paper because I was like, I am not doing one more dish. I simply can't. And it was because of all the things that I was doing that was important, like, right, as a mom, as,

you

know, in my career, in the home, I figured out that doesn't matter. I got, you know, I recycled, but I figured out I can let that go. I don't have to do dishes. I can put up all our nice dishes and I can buy paper and we will eat.

Bring in the paper company. Right, exactly.

And that got us through that season and that It was a simple thing. It might sound a little silly, but it mattered a lot. Yeah. And

I think to your point, what you just said, that it's sometimes too, the changes are just for a season.

Yes.

You could have beat yourself up forever as I'm a bad person because I, whatever, feed my kids on paper, you know, my husband and my kids on paper utensils, that kind of thing. But it got you through that season. It was an adjustment that you made so that you could focus on the things that mattered at that time. And it's not that you're It's not even that the kids and your husband don't matter, obviously, but it's having plates did not matter.

Right. We have family dinners. I can enjoy my family. And I don't know how many hours I didn't spend washing dishes or being mad about washing dishes.

That's really what it is too, right? How can I be less stressed?

Exactly. I love that. So let's do the exercise.

Oh, okay, great. Oh, I would love to. So one of the things, one of a couple of things about this exercise is the importance of being— I'm actually looking at the manuscript here. One of the things is the importance of being specific. The specificity turns your dream into an objective, right? From a wish to a must. So being as specific as possible. And I know there's some opinions about whether you should be— it's different than being rigid as opposed to specific, right? Right. So it might not happen exactly how you think. Another thing is to not worry about the how, right? This is how this has to happen. This is how even the support is going to show up once you get into that space of accepting support. Sometimes you think it's going to come from one person, it comes from somewhere else. Once you think it's going to come from a certain organization, it comes from something totally different. So that's another thing about it too.

Okay. So when you're in a place of accepting support, it comes to you, right? Exactly.

From places you never— that's right. And the last thing is to make sure to set your intention, right? When you're thinking about these things and going over, reviewing this sheet as you fill everything out, what is your intention around creating the life you want based on these? Not like, this is how I'm going to do it, or I try to let go of language too, even around making it happen for us as women. So it's like, how can I create space for this to happen?

I like that. Yes.

Okay. So I'm going to ask you, I don't know if you want a piece of paper, but we'll say it for the podcast. Starting with your goals, what is your personal finance goal? And on this one, it would be, what is the ideal number you want to achieve? Everyone can do this themselves if they want. And if there's a certain amount you want to have in savings, for example, or a certain amount you want to invest, what is that number? And by when do you want to make that amount? Have a number in mind?

I do, yes.

Okay. So then the second part of it, and this is, this is what this whole worksheet is too, also about your big leap goal. So you have a goal set and then it's like, what is going to help you stretch? What's really going to help you push yourself on this one? So I suggest on this one adding a zero to whatever number you just thought of.

Wow. Okay.

And I say if that, and that made even the idea of that made you squirm, that's good. That means that you were really— that's a big— that would be a big leap for you. Even in your mind, right? And then the third thing would be, why is this amount important? Why does that— why that number? Why did it matter to you? What will it allow you to do? How would it allow you to support your family? And these would be things that obviously you write, think through and write out. But how will it allow you to support your family? How will it help what you're doing now in your work, your community, all those things?

Right. And for me, the word freedom just comes to mind. It just gives me more freedom to do the things that are Right. Important to me.

And that helps you— that means that freedom matters to you. So getting back to what we said about defining your all, this is part of what my all is, the importance of freedom. It's not even— so it sounds like it's not even as much about the money, right? Or about the number, but then—

It's about what it does. Yes.

Exactly. When you talk about the why. Okay, let's do another one. I'll do another good one for you. What is your relationship goal? So this can be relationship husband-wife, partner-wife-wife, husband-husband, partner-partner, or it could be a relationship, say, if you're— someone's estranged from their dad, Or they don't have the best relationship with their mother. So whatever the relationship is, what is the vision for relationships in your life? What does a loving relationship in that case look like? And as I said, it could be a long-lasting romantic relationship. It could be just having fun dating. It could be a relationship with, again, a family member. So what is— what does that look like? And what are the ways I will say that you also might need to heal that relationship?

I love that because somebody just popped into my mind when you said that. It's something that I know I need to go back to. So yes, beautiful.

And then what would your big leap goal be for that relationship? And this doesn't have to be, especially if it's a relationship that caused any kind of trauma, it doesn't necessarily have to be, I'm going to become best friends with this person, or I'm going to have this person back in my life. It might, it might be calling to resolve something, to close out something, which you know more about than I do as a doctor, right? But it might not be that, but it might be, I need to go talk to a therapist about this so I can move past this. for this relationship, right? So your big leap goal can look any kind of way. And then again, why does that matter to

you?

So that's what that whole worksheet is.

Very good. Oh yeah, thank you.

You put me on the spot, but I'm so happy that you like it. Otherwise, you know, I would have been like, how can I change it?

No, that's great. I'm excited for women to get this book and really see how they can dive deep into all the various ways that they can access and find and attract support in their lives.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wonderful. So what's, what's up next for you?

What's up next? Well, the book is coming out next year, so, well, I should say May 2021. I don't know when you'll air this. So May 11th, 2021. So I'm excited about that and continuing to have really just getting it. Well, I've wanted to be a writer ever since I was a little kid. So there's that part of the dream, right? Since I'm about 3 or 4 years old. But the other part is I'm really, I'm happy that, um, I've written a book that I'm proud of and excited about. You know, it's not just a book because people say you're supposed to write a book right now or people, you know, or to grow your business. I mean, all those things would be lovely, but, um, I'm actually proud of it. And it took me, and I think when I talked to you, I was in, before I even interviewed you, I was in the middle of the process and you in that episode, if everyone will listen to, spoke to me about my fear. I think I was stuck, right? I might not have even been there yet.

You were, yeah.

And my fear about, um, this is another place I bumped my head, the not enough thing, feeling like it's not enough or getting— well, for me, it was actually the words of the book. I didn't write it long enough. So it literally was not enough. Right.

You'd heard back from your editor, I think.

Exactly. It was like, this is too short, make it twice as long. And I was like, oh my God. So, um, so yeah, so overcoming those things and having gone through those things have been really amazing for me to know, like, I made it through that. I bumped my head, but I kept going.

So what's

next in addition to the book though, I'm excited that I just launched, I have to invite you, an online community for Black women entrepreneurs. Wonderful. Yeah, blackwomenbusiness.us. So it's on Mighty Networks. I don't know if you've heard of the platform.

I have, yes.

Yes, owned by a woman. So it's a private community, but really creating a space. I already have, you know, Support Is Sexy. It's women entrepreneurs all around the world. But right now, especially the time we're in currently, I really was looking at a way to support Black women who are the fastest growing women entrepreneurs, fastest growing entrepreneurs, period, in the country, right? But we get the least Support, capital, funding, all those other things. So really a space for us to talk about that, about being unapologetic Black women, supporting each other, resources, just trying to create a network where we can all support each other. So I'm super excited about that.

That's wonderful. Thanks for letting me know. I am there.

Yes, I'll send you the link after this. I've been inviting people all week. Oh

good, thank you.

Absolutely.

So last, What is your definition of redefining your Superwoman, or what does that mean to you?

Oh, redefining my Superwoman. I think— I don't know why it's making me teary. That's funny. I really do think truly the most powerful thing for me is to know that I'm not falling short, or it's not that I'm not enough if I'm not Superwoman. Does that make sense?

Yes.

So it's just, you know, like we said, if whatever that looks like— using paper plates, right, staying late, all these other things that we decide I'm not doing that, or that's not for me— or even if it's something you tried and you fail— I'll speak for myself— I try and I fail and need to try again. None of that makes me not be a super space woman, right, as opposed to Superwoman. So I don't have to try to be something, prove anything to anyone by pretending to be strong, all those things, being open to support. But even in my own mind, I'm trying to make sure I stay very present to the fact that none of those things define me, right? Who I am as a person, how I treat people, how I love connecting people, and all those things say more about who I am and honestly bring me probably more joy than some of the things I do just to prove that I'm Superwoman. So—

Exactly.

Yeah, so that's how I'm redefining it. I'm trying to look at it differently. I guess I'm more so not letting it define me.

Ooh, I love that. Yes, not letting it define you. Great, thank you. Thank you. I'm so excited for you, and I hope everybody goes out there and gets the book.

Yes.

And I'm looking forward to all the stuff coming up.

Yes, and they can find it or get the book— do you want me to share a—

Please, please. How can they find you and the book?

Yes, you can go to getoverigotit.com. So just get over the letter I got it dot com. You'll see the worksheet, how you can preorder the book, and then I'm everywhere at Elaine Fluker website, all the social media stuff.

And I will be putting all of those links in the show notes.

Yay! Thank you so much.

Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up Every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!