How Conflict Avoiders Can Speak Up in Relationships

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here today. I have a little cold, so my voice might sound a little different. Today's topic is how to communicate when you're a conflict avoider. But as always, my win and my fail first. My win is that I played hooky with my daughter during the week and we didn't attend her homeschool program, and it felt like a Saturday. The whole day was refreshing because it was a last-minute hooky, which meant that I wasn't able to schedule anything else. It was really a truly a free day and it felt amazing. It's actually one of the tips that I give in my self-care book, but it's been a long time since I've listened to one of my own tips and implemented it. But it was life-giving and I suggest that you find a day where you can secretly play hooky with your kids or by yourself, or maybe if you can't do a whole day, an hour. My fail is that I bought my friend the wrong gift for her birthday. This is Rosie, my best friend. You guys have probably heard about her. And she had told me that she had been wanting this backpack. And I went to the store and I got it for her. And when I— before I was getting ready to buy it, I knew that she liked solid colors, but I second-guessed myself and I texted her daughters and I said, hey, listen, I showed them pictures. I'm trying, I'm going to get your mom this bag. Which one do you think she would like? And I listened to them instead of what I already knew. And I knew she would have really liked, so she was gracious. Of course, I knew it was the wrong bag. She was celebrating such a big birthday, and it was a great time doing it. But my fail was that I didn't listen to what I already knew. I didn't listen to my own self. Lesson learned: trust yourself. Trust yourself. You know so much more than you give yourself credit for. And yes, I'm talking to me, but I'm also talking to you. Okay, up next: how to communicate when. You are the conflict avoider. I'm recording this episode today because a listener wrote in after an episode where we talked about conflict, and she requested that I elaborate on the conflict avoidance style and how conflict avoiders can work on this tendency. Maybe we identified it in the episode, but maybe we didn't talk about the now what. So today we're going to talk about the now what. So you know you're a conflict avoider. Now what? First, what is a conflict avoider? Some people are really happy to engage in debate and will even dive straight into conflict with no problem. I tend to be that kind of person. Those are the conflict seekers. They can be on the spectrum of health from people who are just ready to engage in debate if necessary, to people who are looking for a fight everywhere they go. So being a conflict seeker is not necessarily an unhealthy thing. It's just a matter of where you fall on the spectrum of healthy conflict seeking. A conflict avoider is someone who avoids conflict, of course, sometimes at all costs. And also, they can be on the spectrum from shying away from conflict and just preferring not to step on anybody's toes and to suck up their problems, to complete martyrs who will avoid conflict at any cost. And usually this means a steep cost to themselves and their relationships. So people who are known for avoiding conflict in relationships might seem like they're easygoing and pleasant, but ultimately This conflict avoidance comes with a price. Conflict avoidance in relationships may minimize conflict over the short term, but over the long run, it causes conflict to persist because it's never addressed. There have been so many times in my life where I've been embarrassed to bring something up, and in not bringing it up, I just made things worse because now we have misunderstandings, and now I'm angry and resentful instead of Me being able to just address the thing, get past it, and live my life. So conflict avoidance is never an effective conflict style because it results in you withdrawing from your partner. You're distancing yourself, and you're even refusing to discuss points of contention. A healthier conflict style includes accepting responsibility for whatever your contribution to the problem was, working towards problem solving, and then considering your partner's point of view. Now, if you're the conflict avoider, it's really important for you to understand where does this come from, because this type of behavior does not get created out of a vacuum. No, it's not necessarily just your personality type or your temperament, although certain temperaments and personality types might lean more towards this type of people-pleasing behavior, but that's not the reason. Conflict avoidance is a type of people-pleasing behavior that typically arises from a deep-rooted fear. Of upsetting others. I'm going to talk more later about how that actually develops, but if you're a conflict avoider, you prefer to be seen as the nice person, and you may shy away from open, healthy conflict because you don't want to rock the boat. So in a relationship, this can look like going silent on a partner, changing the subject, or enduring uncomfortable situations instead of expressing your issues openly. Here's some examples of how that might look. Maybe you stonewall, which means you kind of give the cold treatment, or you deny an issue exists by ignoring it. You fear disappointing others, you deliberately sidestep conversations, and you silently resent unresolved issues. Why is this not helpful? When you avoid the slightest disagreement, you're compromising your true feelings and you're storing up frustration that's going to negatively affect your relationships but also your health. In a 2013 study, Trusted Source found that bottling up our emotions can increase the risk of premature death, including death from cancer. How amazing is it that simply holding in your thoughts and emotions that you should be expressing to others can actually not only affect your relationships but negatively affect your health to that extent? That can also lead to feelings of loneliness and depression because you feel like people don't really know you, because guess what? They don't, because you're You're not speaking up. Being conflict avoidant also makes us feel disconnected from our relationships because we're cutting off the very thing that creates intimacy. So I know I'm telling you all these things about why you shouldn't be what you are. I'm just wanting you to understand the consequences, and we are going to get deep into the what you can do about it, so don't worry. When a conflict avoider finds themselves in an unavoidable argument, beware. This is one of the Cornerstones almost of conflict avoidance, because they're going to now bring up everything and the kitchen sink. Once you get into an argument, you'll find out about things you didn't even know they were holding onto. And they do this because they've spent so much time avoiding conflict and bottling things up that when the very thing that they fear the most happens, conflict, they take advantage of it because they're already in this space and they know subconsciously that it may be a little while before they get the opportunity to air all of their grievances. And so a conflict avoider can also become an exploder. And one of the reasons why this is so dysfunctional is because it's hard to resolve a conflict when all of a sudden you're fighting about everything for the last 5 months, or God forbid, the last 10 years. And what happens is it just reinforces your belief that conflict is bad because you've bottled it up so much so that by the time you get to the conflict, it's not healthy conflict anymore. It's probably really dysfunctional conflict, and you want to avoid that the next time. In any way you can, and so all you do is just bottle back up again. So if you find yourself in that situation with the conflict avoider, you must curtail the conversation and let them know that they can bring up their grievances at a later point, but you have to talk about the one issue at hand first. The problem is, of course, is that they will likely never bring it up again until you initiate a conflict again. So that does become a vicious, unhealthy cycle. So I can't really say that conflict avoiding is healthy in any way, but it also shows up on a spectrum from mild avoidance to extreme avoidance. I already talked about. I personally am a people pleaser, but I'm not a conflict avoider. So most people pleasers are conflict avoiders. So I do come from some lived experiences regarding conflict avoiders because I understand where it comes from. And maybe I've just trained myself into being a conflict approacher or a conflict seeker, because just like what happens to a conflict avoider, I certainly come to conflict with that stomach-squeezing nervousness. But I think I just have a stronger drive to resolve conflict. than my desire to avoid. So if you're a conflict avoider listening to this episode, I know you might be feeling hopeless about how you can show up in relationships in a healthy way, but here are some tips. I promise you there's hope. One, and I'm going to give you 10 or 11, so hang in there. Start with reframing your idea of confrontation in your mind. So here's the deal. There is a reason why you avoid conflict, and like all issues we tend to have, they can be traced back to stories we absorb in our childhood. Maybe you grew up in a home where there was a lot of dysfunctional conflict, and that was really scary and painful for you. You may have promised yourself, even when you were a little child, that you will never fight when you get older, and so you don't. And you think falsely that avoiding conflict altogether will keep you from the pain that you experienced in your childhood. You're just trying to protect yourself. Or maybe you grew up in a home where there was zero conflict and everyone just walked around all the big elephants in the room ignoring them. No one talked about difficult things, and you learned that that's how you're supposed to respond, and that approaching conflict feels bad or alien or the wrong thing to do, and you'd rather bury it or stick your head in the sand than do the thing that was taught to you very, very clearly, even without words maybe, that it is not okay, that we ignore, we push down, we don't deal with it. We go on and pretend like nothing ever happened. However you came to your pattern of conflict avoidance, those stories you tell yourself to protect yourself are a lie. What if you reframed what conflict meant? That it's a healthy expression of 2 individuals with different backgrounds, influences, desires, and boundaries and ideas. What if you recognize that yes, in your childhood, conflict was bad. For whatever reason, it was not safe for you. But you are no longer in your childhood. You are no longer without control. You are safe. And so you don't need those same shields and ammunition and patterns that you did need very much when you were a child, but now they are sabotaging you. What if you could begin to remind yourself that conflict is healthy? Now I know that that feels like a lie, but the more you speak it, The more your brain will believe it and begin to live this truth out. Number 2, make a plan that includes giving yourself room to feel the butterflies and feel the jittery nervousness that accompanies conflict. Don't forget, you have a mantra that tells you that conflict is bad and dangerous, so of course your body's going to react when you're telling it that you're entering dangerous territory. Your plan should include, number 1, expecting and embracing those jitters, not trying to get them to disappear. Write down or rehearse specific points that you want to make to make sure you don't forget. Use the paper you've written down when you're talking. It's okay to refer to it. And number 3, only bring up one issue. And you can have points under that one issue, but don't introduce more than one issue at a time. And that will increase the likelihood that you'll be able to actually resolve something. Now, if you're approaching another conflict avoider, help them stay on task by agreeing to discuss only one issue in that conversation. Number 3, start by stating a fact instead of leading with emotion. Emotions are harder to talk about than facts. And when we bring up emotion, it's also easier for our partner to be more defensive than facts. So just state the undeniable facts. If you say something like, you don't care enough about me to show up on time, you elicit defensiveness and a likely reaction in your partner is going to be to defend and deny. When you simply say, you agreed to meet me at 6 o'clock and you didn't show up or call, it's much harder to defend the fact, and it reduces their need to dismiss you or the confrontation. Number 4, have a calming ritual for yourself and your body before and after the conflict. So you can practice deep breathing, you can focus on bringing yourself back to the present, or you can incorporate maybe a whiff of relaxing essential oils and affirmations. So remind yourself, my wants and my boundaries matter. I deserve to be heard. Speaking up for myself is healthy and caring. Number 5, remind yourself that the best kind of communication is one that doesn't elicit a defense in the other. Remember, I talked about this already. So you want to avoid accusatory statements, and you want to approach the other with the energy of curiosity and respect, wanting to resolve the matter in an assertive way. So you want to try not to focus on being liked, Which sabotages you, and I know that's hard. While it's natural to want to be liked, it's unhealthy if you seek wanting to be liked at the expense of yourself. Number 6, be assertive and stop using hedging words. So what are hedging words? Hedging words are things like I think, maybe, possibly, sometimes, usually, probably, might. And this is so hard for a conflict avoider. The reason why you use these hedging words is because You think it's a less assertive approach and that it's going to land softer and decrease conflict, but it actually increases conflict because you've now just let the door open for your experience to be called into question. Hedging words make a statement and then they take it away at the same time. So when you use those words, it negates the whole sentence after that, and it opens up a window of uncertainty to the listener. Being assertive and stating what you believe reduces unnecessary defensive comebacks. So no hedging words, just state the facts and state them clearly with assertiveness. 7, don't procrastinate. Tackle it sooner rather than later. It's easier in the moment to put it off, but putting it off grows its own set of issues and problems. Addressing it when it just happened and is smaller is always better. I know it's harder, but it's better. Number 8, you need to understand that conflict avoidance creates fake harmony. Now remember, we want to avoid conflict, we want people to like us, we want to maintain a sense of harmony, but unfortunately it only creates a superficial harmony because below the surface you're likely very unhappy and internally suffering because you're not voicing your needs. Number 9, when you want to avoid— and I know that feeling is going to be so strong— I want you to reflect on the consequences of avoiding conflict. You avoid conflict because you believe it protects you, right? We know it's a lie, but remind yourself of the adverse outcomes from keeping it in. You don't feel heard because you choose not to express yourself. Remind yourself of the long-term gains of walking through that fear, walking through the conversation, because on the other side of expressing yourself, even if it leads to a disagreement, is a releasing of resentment. Increase intimacy and freedom in your relationship. Number 10, schedule a regular business meeting with your partner. So if we're talking about partner relationships, it is wonderful to schedule a time when you already have a framework that the purpose of that time is to discuss any family or relationship issues with your partner. It's much easier to bring it up when you've already designated a specific time for that. So schedule a regular business meeting, whether it's weekly Biweekly, where the purpose is to come and talk about business, talk about family business, relationship business. It will be easier because it's an already designated time. The last is practice. I also know that just because I gave you these tools, and I may have convinced your logical mind that it's healthy to move towards approaching conflict, you have a firm foundation, mental psychological foundation, that is based in harm avoidance. And this is not going to be erased by one episode or one blog post. I firmly believe that I am planting seeds for you that will grow over time, but your job is to work the tools and work the skills. Conflict is typically emotional. For people who have a fear of confrontation in relationships, what they are also fearful of is big emotions. So to get more comfortable with your emotions, practice expressing them daily, not just the bad ones, the good ones too. This can look like telling your partner things you're grateful for, showing how you felt about something that happened at work, or acknowledging your emotional reaction to a movie. When you get into a regular practice of expressing, being vulnerable enough to just talk about your feelings in small ways on a daily basis, that will move you light-years. Because when conflict comes up, it'll be easier for you to speak up instead of avoid. The bottom line: some form of conflict is a normal, healthy part of social interaction. While it's okay to never be completely comfortable with confrontation, that's not the goal. Your goal is to be able to resolve issues effectively, and that means accepting that healthy conflict is a part of communicating with others. Remember, disagreeing provides deeper understanding, and it makes it easier to connect with our friends, our partners, our coworkers, and even ourselves. Learning how to confront someone assertively is not going to happen overnight, but you can still take those small steps each day toward feeling more comfortable facing those fears and speaking up for yourself. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. I am happy to answer any questions you have. If there's a topic you'd like me to bring up on the podcast, shoot it over to me. I'm happy to talk about it. If you're so inclined, I would love for you to leave a review and a rating. And if you're not already, please sign up for my mailing list where I send regular— I can't say weekly, but regular encouragement. And keep you updated on new episodes. Thank you so much, and have a strong week. Bye.