How Couples Can Resist Priority Drift In Your Relationship

Hello, welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we have a guest. His name is Nick Broncato, and we are going to be talking about how couples can resist priority drift and maintain alignment in their relationship even as life pulls us apart in different directions. And so in this world and our busy, busy culture, it's really easy, especially in long-term relationships, for life to just pull us apart. And so So that's why I wanna talk about how can we resist this priority drift. In some ways, I feel like it's a fear, um, that a lot of people have in relationships. A lot of reasons why people don't even want to commit in relationships anymore these days is because life seems to pull so many marriages apart. So listen into the interview with Nick. Oh, let me tell you a little bit about Nick first. Nick is a seasoned personal development coach and educator with over 25 years of experience helping individuals and couples connect, communicate, and thrive. With a master's degree in education a background as a Microsoft systems engineer, Nick blends practical tools with data-driven frameworks to guide clients through life's challenges, including career shifts, financial pressures, and personal growth. So I'm looking forward to the conversation with Nick about how can we avoid priority drift. Listen in. Welcome, Nick. I'm so glad that you're here today with us on the podcast.

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here and talk with you.

Yeah, you know, I Men are still rare, but I have had at least— I think we're entering the second hand now. So I've had a number of them on the podcast, but over, I think, 5 years I've been doing it, and I can count on less than 2 hands how many men I've had. That tells you something.

Wow, that's a big honor. Thank you.

Yeah, you're welcome. So I wanted to have you on the podcast today because something that I've definitely been seeing in my clients, and we've just been seeing in the culture really about Fair fear of committing to relationships because of that reality that most marriages fail, right? It's still the case. And I, from a lot of women and men, I hear them say, like, what's the point? Like, why would I invest all of this money, time, energy, heart into a relationship that will potentially just drift away and end, you know, in a devastating way? And so I saw that you talk about avoiding priority drift. And I wanted to talk about that. First, can you tell us a little bit about how you got to a place of talking about priority drift?

Sure, I'd be happy to. So my story basically began out of crisis. My now wife—

Many of ours do.

Yeah, my now wife was having serious mental health issues.

Yes.

And she was experiencing tremendous paranoia. So much so that she wouldn't eat food because she thought it was tainted.

Yep.

She lost like a third of her body weight. And like, so it was really bad. And eventually she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia.

And

it's a happy story, has a happy ending.

At what age was she diagnosed with that?

In her early 30s.

That's very rare. I don't know if you know that.

Yes, it is rare.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we spent months, years trying to figure out what was going on. She was misdiagnosed a couple times before that. And so during this terrible time in our lives, our relationship actually improved.

Really?

Yes. And even though we were partially living in different realities some of the time, and we had a lot of miscommunications because we speak different languages before Before this crisis. And what happened is our priorities shifted drastically.

Okay,

we became— health and safety became our top priorities.

Wow. Yes.

And so we were aligned for the first time.

Wow.

And so what I realized was that if, if our miscommunications and petty arguments fell to the wayside once our priorities aligned, what happens if we examine our other priorities?

Hmm.

And so I want to differentiate between values and priorities. Because values are like your belief system, they're core to your being, they're stable, they don't change much over time. Once you're an adult, maybe they gradually shift,

right?

Priorities ask the question, what's important to me now?

That's so good. That's so good. And our priorities, you know, they do, they shift and they change over the course of our life over the seasons. But also, what I find is that a lot of people will state that something is their priority, but their behavior does not align up with that, right?

Absolutely true. One of my goals whenever I'm working with anybody and for myself and in my relationship is for my actions to be in alignment with my intentions.

Mm-hmm.

And so what that means is taking a look at your priorities, and then also checking out how much time you allocate and how much resources you allocate to each priority. So not only is it important to identify what your main priorities are, you also want to check in with yourself To make sure that what you say is important is also how you're allocating your resources.

That makes a lot of sense. And so in your marriage, obviously, and maybe it wasn't even spoken because it's something it sounds like you, you, you retroactively recognized, was that you two were both so focused on her health and the health of, you know, your family that Your priorities were completely in alignment. And so you were able to essentially create emotional intimacy because those priorities were so aligned. So, and you know, that's a beautiful gift because sometimes, you know, when there's sickness in a family, something opposite happens. And it might be, now that I'm thinking about it, also related to priorities and fear and So if a couple's priorities aren't on that same page when a sickness happens, then what you have is this crazy divergence, right? In the relationship, and a relationship can fall apart. But let's talk about how can couples, how can someone listening to this use this in their relationship if they're recognizing, you know what, I do feel that there's a drift, I do feel some separation and disconnection, and maybe our marriage is completely disconnected. What can I do now to help align that?

Perfect question. So the key to preventing priority drift is checking in. So maybe daily check-ins, small check-ins, medium check-ins like weekly, and then bigger check-ins like quarterly or annually. And so what I would ask is, what's your top 3 priorities? Just write them down. What are your top 3? What are my top 3? Write them down separately,

and

then we exchange.

I love it.

So, and, and then we, we adopt a learning stance and we are curious. And what we want to learn is why— not do our priorities have to be the same, but why are these important to you? Why are these things important to you? Why is maybe something else not on your list right now? So it's, it's about communicating and getting a shared context for what's going on in your life. That way, the actions that you take throughout the day I'm going to understand them without you having to explicitly tell me what's going on, because I have the context of what your current priorities are.

That's beautiful. And so we don't need to get scared if the 3 priorities I write down are completely different than the 3 priorities my partner writes down. That's just an opportunity for us to really deeply understand each other better, right?

Absolutely.

And

then maybe communication point, there's low-hanging fruit for easy communication. Where you can learn a whole bunch about each other rapidly.

And so are we asking just what are your basic 3 priorities in life, just general, or in our relationship? What would you suggest?

Wonderful question. So in, in my book Prioritize Us, what I do is outline 10 core life priorities. And then you rank them 1 through 10. So it's like career, communication, entertainment, finances, growth, health, Relationships, safety, sex, and spirituality. Okay, so it's targeted at romantic partnerships, but it can be applied to any relationship. Like, if you want to use it with your kids, you would just change sex to like school or play, right?

Right.

So the exact 10 don't matter so much as the fact that you're taking time, 2 to 5 minutes, to write what they— what's important to you, 1 through 10. And then exchange it with your partner and then see where you line up. What are the— where are you similar? What are the core staple pillars of your relationship and where are you different? And then why?

And so let's just say that my partner's priorities are completely different from mine. And so then my goal is to understand his, to work on accepting the value, like, because often when we don't understand something, we just minimize the value of it. Like, it's not valuable because I don't get it, right?

So true.

Whereas the things that matter to us, oh, they're valuable. And we're hurt if other people don't also value them. And so then the goal would be for me, especially in asking questions of him, to understand the value of those priorities. And so in some ways, I'm thinking, if that's, if that's Um, if really being able to honor our partner's values, and really we've got a core of 6 values between the 3 of us, potentially, only if they don't line up, right? Right. To honor.

And so when you find these differing priorities and you're curious about what they are and empathetic, hopefully putting yourself in the other person's shoes and trying to really understand what's going on, when you do find these major differences, it's not a recipe that the relationship is doomed.

Mm-hmm.

Because what matters is, are your values lined up? That matters. And what also matters is less attraction and more alignment. So instead of focusing on the attraction element, there's a lot of people in the world you could be attracted to, but not as many people, unless you pay attention, that are aligned with you.

Correct. Yes. Yes.

And so once you're asking questions like, why is career important to you, for example? That could be all wrapped up in safety and stability. And it could be about your partnership, your relationship. Or it could be they're just very career-focused. And it doesn't have anything to do with the stability of the relationship. And you really need to know the difference.

Yes, that's huge. Because I was thinking of that same thing. So let's say, you know, a wife sits down and, you know, her priority is family, her priority is, you know, finances to build, you know, and something else, and he puts his first priority of, you know, work or something like that. And she offended, right? And she may feel like, why are you putting that above all the other things? And it could feel like very much a mismatch. But when you start to ask questions, you may, maybe not, but you may find out that, well, he sees that as the way that he can take care of family, right? That, that is, that's his main priority because he wants to make sure that he can care for you and the children and the family, you know, system well. And then that shifts it a little bit. In terms of understanding, instead of just immediately jumping to a conclusion that we don't matter.

Yeah, it really shifts it tremendously. And that exact example resonates so much because I've seen that play out several times in that exact way. It's such a vivid picture that you painted. And communication becomes alignment.

Yes. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. I'm just thinking about a friend I was talking to today, and she's frustrated with her husband who works a lot, is also the, you know, main breadwinner in the home. And she feels like, you know, he should just stop focusing on work so much. Huh. And the reality is, yeah, okay, I'm— I can definitely agree with that. But when you demonize his focusing on work, you know, why is he focusing on work? And, and that matters. And so I don't want to— I mean, we don't need to deep dive into the whole work versus forces, you know, family thing. But let's get back to— let's, let's get back to that, that priority drift, right?

Yes.

And so if we recognize, okay, we've got these core 6 or 3, um, values between us, how do we keep ourselves from drifting apart? Like, what are those practices you mentioned, which I love, daily check-ins.

So daily check-ins is a great place to start. Because what does that even look like? And what does that mean to you? What's our— so you know how people make vision boards, what they want their life to look like? I would encourage people to make a communication vision board of like, what kind of interactions do you enjoy having? Is, is it a good morning kiss? Is it a text message throughout the day? Does that have an impact? On the quality of your day? Does the text not matter? Does it need to be a voice call? How long does it have to last? What does your ideal communication with your partner look like? Most people don't spend much time thinking about it.

Right?

Are you guys having conversations the way you want it?

Yeah, yeah. You listeners, guys, are you guys having these conversations with your partners about all of these things? Like, how do we want to communicate and what makes me feel the most cared for and loved and valued? Right? We just assume that the way we want to communicate is the way our partner wants to communicate. And then what happens with, you know, assumptions, we get hurt. We get hurt.

Exactly. We get hurt. And so what I would encourage is creating shared rituals, things that you can do consistently, that don't take much time, that are easy, that once you implement and they become a habit, you can stack them. And so you create an upward spiral of systems in your relationship to help the communication, to help avoid conflict, to check in. To avoid priority drift. So for example, like me and my wife have an easy morning ritual where we just have a hot beverage ritual. Takes like 10 minutes, no screens, no devices, and no talking about other people. So we can't talk about family, we can't talk about friends. It's just about each other and what's going on. And it just takes 10 minutes.

Right.

And when we're not sure what to talk about, we ask, What are your what are your three decisions for the day? Like, what do you have to decide today? Is it deciding what you're going to eat for lunch? Something as simple as that. Is it a big decision at work? What do you have going on in your life that is going to be an inflection point where you're going to be taking things into account that it might be helpful for you to talk it out loud to me?

I love it.

You might love getting my input or might maybe not. Maybe you just want to share, and that's okay too. But now. We're crafting a shared life together in just five or ten minutes, just by doing this simple check-in.

Atomic Relationship Habits.

Yes, yes. Phenomenal book.

Yes, yes. Atomic Habits was a phenomenal book, and I can see how you can apply this to your relationships because those little habits over time really can change everything. And I love that you said that. I love that that daily check-in. I always encourage my clients to have what I call a weekly date night and a weekly business. Oh,

I love that.

Yes. And the date night is exactly what you said that your check-ins are. It's something that you two do together, undistracted with, um, and where you can only focus on the relationship. Can't talk about kids, can't talk about family, but nothing, just the two of you. And then a weekly business meeting where you talk about all the stuff, right? You talk about the kids and the family business and schedule and all the things that, that you need to make a family Work, but you separate them so that you're able to still maintain that relationship separate from what I call family business.

Yeah, that's beautiful. I love that. It's such an important distinction between your relationship and everything else that's going on with the world, right? You need to sometimes get into your little bubble,

right,

where it's just about you, like a love bubble. It can be for 5 minutes, it can be for 2 hours, it can be a meal. Or it can just be a check-in, like something as simple as, okay, every day at this time when it's lunch, I'm going to call you. We're, we're not going to get into a big conversation. We're going to talk for like 2 minutes so that it doesn't interfere with either of our day, but we're going to check in with each other and just have that connection point. And have a— it's really important to have like a shared vision for the conversation. Like, so it's not enough to say like, we're going to text in the morning, Or I'll call you at noon. And it's only going to be quick, or whatever. It's like, what does this conversation look like? What is it? What's impactful to your day? What's impactful to mine? Not just doing it to do it.

Right. So you're really setting intentions for most of your interactions, which matter.

Yeah, exactly.

I love that. That is beautiful. So I'm just thinking about Because I'm always thinking about this woman, the woman that's in the very difficult relationship where she's listening to this and going, we're so far gone. We have drifted to, you know, 2 different continents at this point. And I don't even know how we could even begin to do that because we would sit down and just stare at each other and have nothing to say. What is your advice for her? And just possibly getting started with this or just wrapping her brain around it?

I would ask her first, is her ideal outcome to be in this relationship forever, long term? Or, or is she considering ending the relationship? So first, I would ask her to take a priority test herself. So just outline— you can write down your top 10 priorities, or you can start with the list in the book and It's a great start because you need to know what— if you don't know what's important to you, you can't really understand what's important to someone else,

right? Yeah.

And so, so often we think we know what someone else is thinking. We project and we create narratives, false narratives of what's going on, when if we don't understand ourselves, we have no shot at understanding them. So starting with your own priorities and your own vision for what the future looks like With you and your relationship. And so once you know what your priorities are, then you can share them with your partner or ask them for theirs. And it's, it's sort of, it's easy and it takes 5 minutes and it's kind of gamified. Like, you can just hand them a piece of paper that says, just rank these 1 through 10.

Yeah.

Like, it's so easy. And then, and then just be curious with the answers. Be like, look, here's mine. And then, yeah, and it becomes— guys, guys like a test. Guys like a game.

Yes,

I like quizzes. It's like, it's so much easier than like a personality test, which so many people love taking. It's so much easier than a StrengthsFinder. It's like, it's like Love Languages tell you how you like to be loved,

right?

And Priorities tell you where you're aligned, where you're not, where conflict is likely to occur, and whether or not the success— the likely success of the relationship moving forward.

Hmm. I love that. I love it. And I love what you said about knowing what you want and need, because I, I mean, I've been doing couples therapy for a couple of decades now. And often, you know, I'll have a wife who's not happy in the relationship, who's, you know, almost done and really a last ditch effort. And what she knows is that she's not happy. But when I ask her specifically, what do you need from him? Often the answer is, I don't even know. I don't even know. Or, or what she will do is she'll tell me all the feelings she wants to have. I want him to make me feel loved. I want him to make me feel cared for. I want him to make me feel important and adored. And those are just feelings. Nobody knows how to create those feelings in you, right?

Right.

My answer— no. And so my answer to her always is, what do you need him to do In order for you to feel those things. And often they've never gone there. So they've been arguing and she's been saying, I don't feel like you love me. And he's been like, I love you. Or I, you know, and they never got to what it was that she actually needed, or even he actually needed to create those feelings. So I love that. Yeah.

It's like, what's the recipe to the outcome that you want? That's what I ask. What's the formula? What's the recipe? Like, it's not enough to know you just want dessert. It's not even enough to know you want cookies.

Yes. Yeah.

Like, what's the recipe that is the chocolate chip cookies that you love? How do I make you feel that way? What does it add up to?

Right, right. That is beautiful. Thank you so much.

Well, with the relationship that's struggling, if she knows she wants to move forward in the relationship, and that's her vision for the future, I would ask— I would make sure that she's attracted to this person and that the attraction is still alive. If it is, then there's something I like to, uh, a question I like to ask that I think is very telling, and that is, how often do you flirt with your partner? So how often does she flirt with him?

Mm-hmm.

What's the— how much of the day do you spend building attraction, telling, telling him that he's desired, showing him that he's desired? And vice versa, of course. I would ask both partners this.

I already know the answer to that one. And when they get to this point, the answer is not at all. Right?

Right. Not at all.

Yeah.

And so how much are you valuing your attraction in your relationship? How much are you valuing the relationship? Where are you allocating your resources? How are you spending your time? How easy is it to send a cute text message like, you look cute this morning, or any number of flirty things that you can just sort of get in the habit of doing, but they have to be true. You have to mean them. It's like whenever you think of something positive, just shoot a text or just say it. Like, but you keep it bottled up, almost like when the relationship's not good, there's almost this thing that people get like they don't deserve it. The other person doesn't deserve it. Or, or I'm not comfortable doing it anymore.

Right? What I hear from a lot— I hear from both men and women is, well, I don't want to say anything positive because then they'll think I'm okay with all the other stuff that's not right. Relationship, right? And so hold that, and all it does is make things worse.

Yes, it's a guaranteed way to make things worse because you're no longer doing the fundamental things that contributed to your success of your relationship in the beginning.

Oh, that's so powerful. That is so powerful. And you're thinking that by withholding that, you're proving to them that the relationship is not what you want it and hoping that they're going to do something to change it, right? When exactly that is so powerful, you're no longer doing the things that made the relationship successful in the beginning.

And that's like the epitome of priority drift.

Yes, it is. It is. Thank you so much. I have not heard of that concept of priority drift, but it makes a lot of sense to me. And I will be, I will be incorporating it into my, my practice as well.

Cool. Wonderful. I love to hear that.

Yeah. So how can people find your book, Prioritize Us, which I, I love the title of it? How can they find Your book. And do you work with people individually?

I do, I do. I have a few spots open for relationship coaching or individual personal development coaching. Uh, I'm on Instagram, you can DM me at Personal Dev Coach, like personal development coach, Personal Dev Coach. Or you could visit nickbrancato.com. And if you go to nickbrancato.com, you can actually get a copy of Prioritize Us, the ebook, absolutely free.

Wonderful.

I just want as many couples to get help as possibly can.

Yeah, this is, you know, this is a great book for couples to read together. And I love that you have that us in the title of the book. It's a great book for couples to read together and figure out how they can start prioritizing their relationship.

Yes, exactly.

Thank you so much, Nick. This was very valuable.

Uh, thank you so much for having me. It was a pleasure.