How Strong Women Do Boundaries

A boundary is not a rule that you impose on someone else to follow. It's a line that you draw for yourself. Today we're talking all about how strong women do boundaries. Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we're talking about how strong women do boundaries. But first up, my win and my fail. So my win is that I received a review from a listener, Anne Thom, who said, you said everything that I've been feeling. Thank you. She was talking about my unscripted episode about talking about race on June 6th. I think Talking About Race Makes You Feel Uncomfortable. So thank you for that, Anne. I know that sharing your story is scary and it feels vulnerable, But if you have an experience, it's so very likely that you're not the only one. And sharing can be super powerful, both for yourself, but also as a means to facilitate healing in someone else. So I'm glad it resonated with you. Thank you. So my fail, I had a mini pity party about my kids and schooling for the fall. And I'm gonna take my win and think about the fact that I can't be the only mom out there who's feeling for her kids. And I'm feeling for myself about the lack of in-person schooling and all the kids' activities being shut down, at least in the Los Angeles area where I live. I know other places in the country it's a little bit different, but I'm mostly over it now, and we do have a plan in place, so that's good. But I allowed myself to feel the weight of the realities of COVID I allowed myself to feel for my children, and I also checked my self-talk, and I encouraged myself that it's all going to be okay. And it will be for any of you mamas out there who are in the thick of managing your kids and your own disappointments as well. So boundaries. Today we're talking about how strong women do boundaries. You know, sometimes boundaries can seem like a bad word, or at least an ominous one. Often when I say it in session, I hear an audible sigh. And then the pushback I hear is a concern that when boundaries get introduced, that people will get hurt, or that it's hard to maintain boundaries. So first things first, a boundary is not a rule that you impose on someone else to follow. It's a line that you draw for yourself. You cannot control someone else's behavior, and you certainly can't expect them to uphold your boundary. It doesn't work that way. You uphold your boundary. You don't expect someone else to do this for you. So a lot of times the clients will tell me, but I put up my boundary and he didn't respect them, or he just breaks them, or they still walk all over me. Whenever I tell them no, boundaries just don't work for me. My answer is, of course he did, or of course they did. That's human nature. For many people, when they hear a boundary like, hey, don't step over that line, what they hear in their mind is, that's a preference. Or they don't know you well enough to know how firm you are with your boundaries, or they know you well enough to know that you are not firm with your boundaries and they don't really have to adhere to them. That can be a hard truth, so I want you to hear this: everyone will break a boundary from time to time. What matters is what you do about it. If you do nothing, it's you who are not upholding your own boundary, not them. You might say, but wait, didn't they just disrespect me? Didn't they just break my boundary? That, my friend, is inconsequential because it's your boundary to uphold, not theirs. You're focusing— The wrong way. You gotta turn it right back around to yourself. Now, if they repeatedly cross the same boundary that you're consistently upholding, and we'll talk about how to do that later, you just got some really great information about them, and you need to now evaluate their place in your life. But for the most part, people respect you about as much as you demand to be respected. And we learn this super early in life. I used to do this with my parents when I was little. If I wanted to spend the night at a friend's house, I would ask my mom. And her initial reaction would sometimes be no. That was a boundary she was setting. But I knew from experience that if I laid a bunch of pretty pleases and I promised to do all kinds of chores and I explained to her how I could make this much easier for her, her answer would sometimes change to yes. Now, if I asked my dad the same question and he said no, well, shoot, I was just out because I already knew. I didn't bother asking anymore. Because it would be wasted time to prepare a comeback. It was futile. His boundary was firm. Now, did I not respect my mother because I broke her boundary? No, I did respect her. I knew her boundaries were super firm in other areas, and my dad's were more lax in other areas, like money. He was the one I could ask for money. Apparently, he didn't know how much anything cost, so he would just give me a ton of it whenever I asked for it. But my mom taught me from experience that her boundary in that area was not firm. Sometimes people take advantage of us and we let them because we care about them. And in little ways, that may not matter, but sometimes it does. And it certainly does in bigger ways. Boundaries are central to self-care. So here's a quick test to evaluate your boundaries in your relationships. Answer these questions. Are you regularly doing something for someone that they can do for themselves? That's enabling. Are you putting their needs above your own most of the time? That's devaluing yourself. Do you justify bad behavior? You're excusing. Do you say no, but then you give in to pressure? Do you expect them to hold your boundaries? Do you say yes and then resent them afterwards? Do you feel like you're responsible for another person's happiness? If you answered yes to more than 2 of these, then you need to check your boundaries. So why do we need boundaries? You need boundaries, my friend, because if you don't have them, you will burn out in your relationships. Without boundaries, you develop resentment, you send a message to yourself and to others that you shouldn't be respected, and you damage your relationships in the process. Healthy, intact boundaries create a better experience in your relationships and a healthier, empowered sense of self. So how do we establish, or probably more importantly, how do you uphold boundaries? So there's 2 ways. One is internal and the other is external, and they're a couple. They should not be separated. You uphold your boundaries internally through your self-talk, and that leads to creating a firm sense of self that will not be compromised. You have to actually believe that you even deserve to have firm boundaries before you can execute them. You have to have a sense of self. If you find that people are walking all over you, friend, I promise you it's because deep down you do not feel that you deserve to be treated well. I don't know what your story is about why, but I know it's true. So you have to change this internal story. You need to speak these words to yourself daily, or at least words like this: My wants and desires matter. I deserve to be treated well. I am in control of of how I allow others to treat me. I will care for me. The more you say these, the more you will begin to believe it. And then acting out your boundaries, holding firm to your boundaries, will be easier. So how do you start to create boundaries in your life? I'm going to give you some words, and it's very simple. This is external. You hold your boundaries by what you say and do externally. So these are the things you say. No, that doesn't work for me. I can't help you. I'm not okay with that. If you want to be with me, this has to change. You are asking me to do something that I don't feel is safe, and I won't do it. I don't agree with you. Stop. This is as much as I'm willing to do. All of those are examples of setting firm boundaries, and you can actually simply just repeat them again if someone tries to push back. You can also add to it. You can say something like, and I'm not going to change my mind. And then you disengage, and then you hold firm. These are clear. When you hedge or you use words like, I think, or I like, or I'd appreciate it, or this would be nice, that's not clear communication when it comes to a boundary. That's clear communication about your desires, maybe, and your, your wants, But a boundary is stronger than a desire. A boundary is non-negotiable. So that's how you establish boundaries externally. But in order to uphold the boundary, you have to establish clear communication about the consequences for the boundary violation. If this happens, then this will be my response. If it feels like I'm telling you to give an ultimatum, it absolutely is true. That's what I'm doing. And if you have a problem with that, or you kind of feel like, ah, I don't know about ultimatums, listen to episode That's episode number 80, Strong Women Give Ultimatums. Listen, boundaries can be tough. We want to be liked. We want to give our love unconditionally to those in our lives, and we can, and we should. Just don't forget to give yourself the same unconditional love. You've got this. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the Text the word STRONG to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!