Dr. Zoe Shaw explains why you sabotage yourself after mistakes: unresolved guilt. She shares her own humiliating failures and argues self-punishment through procrastination and quitting keeps you stuck. Forgive your past self the way you'd forgive a friend, and stop waiting for permission from others to move on.
Hey, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I am your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a life and relationship coach, and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you virtually to help you get unstuck. Connect with me by going to my website, drzoeshaw.com.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
So this is my last episode of 2019. I'll be taking a Christmas hiatus for 2 weeks. I'm gonna just I'm gonna dig in and spend time with my family. I hope you guys get to do the same. And my next episode will come out January 7th, 2020. This is a great time for you guys to go back and check previous episodes that you haven't gotten a chance to listen to. So as this decade comes to a close, I thought this would be a perfect time to talk about forgiving yourself for all the dumb things you did in this past decade. There's just something about a new year that makes you reflect on cherished memories of all the wonderful decisions, opportunities, and experiences that this past year— or for me, I'm just thinking about this past decade and what it's held for me. And I encourage you to do the same. But I can't help but also remember some of the really dumb things I've done. And some of them are funny, Like the time that I accidentally mailed my mom's birthday gift to myself. I was so confused when I got it in the mail a few days later. I was like, what happened? And I looked on the envelope and of course I mailed it to myself. And some of those moments are embarrassing, like when I introduced everyone on stage except for my daughter's godfather at Siggy's baby dedication, my youngest daughter. And some of them are downright painful to remember, Like the time I yelled at my son and I embarrassed him in front of his friends at the zoo. But I do remember them all, and I am thankful for the lessons. But despite the fails, I can honestly say that there were more wins than fails, and I'm proud of the woman that I am now compared to the woman of 2010. I think of the trials that were so difficult to get through that have made me stronger. I think of the wins, like the day that all 3 of my kids had major events and I raced around Southern California and made every single one of them despite being exhausted at the end of the day. I think about catching my daughter as I gave birth to her because the doctor was literally out of the room and how amazing and Amazon-ish I felt giving birth to her. I think about all the times when I showed up for my family and I showed up for my clients, and they overshadow all the times when I didn't. And I'm always amazed at this time of year how quickly people are so ready to kick this year to the curb and get on to the next one, as if another number and another day is going to completely change their life. It won't. What changes your life is you and your decisions. Your consistency and your dedication. But New Year's are wonderful points to mark the progress and trajectory of your life. They're a great time to reflect and a time to determine to change. But the only way we are truly able to maintain change is through our self-talk and our ability to forgive our old self and move forward. Just a reminder, everything in your past was done by your old self. And you're not that person anymore because you've changed. You can't judge your past self with the wisdom of today. And we all know that hindsight is 20/20, which makes it darn easy to kick yourself for the dumb things that you've done. But when you were doing those dumb things, you probably did the best you could with whatever in the world was going on in your life at that time. So you got to stop judging. You're a wiser, smarter person than you were before. And this next tip is super important for 2020 because we're taught that our bad behavior has consequences, right? And so if we feel we've done something wrong and we don't feel that we've been appropriately punished, then we might actually try to punish ourselves on a subconscious level. And I see people punishing themselves. All the time. And this can come out as sabotage. It can come out as quitting. It can come out as procrastinating or pushing people that you love away. Don't punish yourself. You're not God. Let him take care of it. Believe me, he's much more forgiving than you are. So as you move into next year, think about all the ways that you punish yourself for not being perfect. And give it to God. Determine that you will treat yourself as well as you treat other fallible humans. If you're struggling with this, you need to take my self-course, T.O.C.K., that's coming out in January, and I'll talk more about that at the end of the episode. So if you've wronged someone, don't let 2019 slip away without asking for forgiveness. And I'll tell you exactly how to do this. Say these simple words or ones like them. You've been on my mind and I know that I've hurt you. I want you to know how very sorry I am, and I will do everything I know to do to make sure this never happens again. And then tell whoever it is that their friendship, that their partnership, that whatever their status is in your life means the world to you or is important to you. Now here's the thing, you can forgive yourself even if they aren't willing to forgive you. Your forgiveness is not contingent on anybody else's forgiveness of you. And this is hard because if you know someone else is still hurting because of what you've done, you probably feel like you should be hurting too. And it's okay to hurt and still forgive yourself at the same time. Next, you've got to see the silver lining. You may have done something stupid like blown your entire savings on a cosmetic procedure that didn't even make you feel any better. And sometimes it's hard to find the good things that have come from the bad, but It's there. You just have to uncover it. I don't know why I came up or how I came up with that example, but there you go. Last, you've got to change your self-talk, change your story. And this is why I created a self-talk program, because everything boils down to your self-talk. And don't think that I'm not aware of how much easier that is said than done, but it doesn't change the fact that that's the truth. This is what you've got to get in control of to begin to feel the momentum in your life that you want to experience. Now think about this. Our moments of brilliance wouldn't shine so bright if it weren't for our failures. And you may have had some doozies this past year or this past decade. And as we step onto the precipice of a new year, may you shed all negativity, all the shame, all the self-doubt, and walk With the openness, vulnerability, and excitement of someone who has never fallen, but with the wise, determined steps of a battle-tested soldier. So you've had some award-winning wins, and you've probably had some devastating failures over the past decade. Let's honor those wins and take them right into 2020, and let's put those failures to death. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and I so look forward to seeing you on the other side. So thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows will go up on Tuesdays starting January 7th. I'm gonna be pivoting just a little bit and focusing more on you, the strong woman you want to be in all the relationships in your life. So I'll be talking a lot more about you in your relationships. And you can click on the link to purchase my new self-talk course that dives deep into the origin of your self-talk, how to change it and keep it changed. And all of that is less than the cost of a cup of coffee. So good. cost of a therapy session with me. How can you get any better? I look forward to connecting with you beautiful ladies on social media throughout the week and end of this decade. Have a super one.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get Encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.
