How to Know if You Have Unrealistic Expectations of Your Husband?

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I am so glad that you're here. Today's topic is, do you have unrealistic expectations in your relationships? And more importantly, what should you do about it? But first up, my win and my fail. You guys, my win— I signed with a literary agent, Jackie Ashton with Usenda Literary. I am So I can't even use a word. I'm just beyond thrilled. For you guys that have been following me, you know, I've been writing my memoir for years. I have been getting up in the wee hours of the morning, going in my closet, writing, sometimes feeling like I was writing into an abyss, sending, you know, something into the dark with no promise or guarantee that my words would ever see the light. And so, you know, I talked about last week querying and how going through the querying process, which feels very, very vulnerable, really kind of put me into some negative self-talk. And I was struggling with self-doubt. I was struggling with imposter syndrome. And I, you know, I recovered within a day. I got myself together. I utilized my skills from my self-talk program, but that was real. And I'd tell myself, okay, Zoe, you might be in this for the long haul. It might take 6 months. It might take a year. And I was finally beginning to wrap my brain around that concept. And then I woke up Thursday morning with a number of proposal requests and offers from agents in my email. I was overwhelmed. I just felt vindicated because I have had a number of people say to me, What do you think is so special about you that you could write a memoir? Because, you know, the only people who get memoirs published are Michelle Obama or people who cut their feet off with a butter knife because they got stuck in the desert on a hike. And it's true, memoirs are so very difficult to traditionally publish, and I kept on anyway. So my win is that I persevered. And the reality is, no, there's not anything special about me. I'm just a little brown girl who Who didn't give up on what I knew was my calling. And so now my book will be sold. I'm so excited that my words through the journey and my life that I've lived will help other women see their shame stories, see the false stories that they have not left in their childhood, but instead have taken with them, learn to deconstruct them and show up healthier in their lives. That's my goal. So there's my win. Yay! My fail. So I gave my son our Sam's Club card, which is where I like to get gas, and I lectured him about getting gas there because it's cheaper. And he finally went to get gas there, and he waited in a long, long line. And then when he went to use the card, it said it was expired and needed to be renewed. I felt awful because he was late for something, and he listened to his mom and sat in the line and did the things, and it must have expired just that day before because I had used it recently with no problem. I wish that they would set that thing on auto-renew. Maybe they do, I just need to check into that. Why is it that the things you don't want to renew always do and then the things you'd like to auto-renew don't? Anyway, we renewed it. I'm not sure my son's going to be returning there anytime soon without more coaxing from me, but that was my fail. I should have checked that out. Okay, so here we go. Do you have unrealistic expectations in your relationships? At least a couple times a week, a client who is feeling some type of angst about a relationship will ask me, am I expecting too much? Am I being realistic? And I've noticed that it's often the ones that ask that are being completely realistic with their expectations. It's the ones that don't ask and are already convinced that their unrealistic expectations are completely reasonable that often aren't being realistic. I'm not sure if this observation holds for the real world too, but if you're wondering, my guess is that you're trying to be considerate of the other person, you're probably doubting yourself, and you're being more than reasonable in your expectations. But making assumptions is not the best science, so let's dive into this a little more. In general, having expectations for an outcome, an event, or relationship is good. It means that you're forward-thinking, it means you value yourself, and that you have standards. The problem is that we are not in relationship with ourselves. There's a whole other whose expectations may not match up with yours, and that's where the conflict begins. So if you're looking for clarity, these are unrealistic expectations that you may be harboring. 1. You expect perfection. Now, most people don't say that. They never say, I expect him to be perfect. But if you tend to set the bar high for yourself, you're probably doing this for your relationship too. We often see our children, our partner, or our friends as extensions and reflections of ourselves, and we may hold them to a higher standard, sometimes even a higher standard than we hold ourselves to, and that's not fair. Expecting him to be better than all the other humans on the planet and never fail you or mess up is completely unreasonable. He's human. He makes mistakes, and so do you. Just like you want to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for who you are, Your partner does too. Number 2, you expect your partner to spend all their free time with you. Now, most people know on the surface that this is an unrealistic expectation, but they rationalize their desire to make it sound okay. I'll often hear clients say, well, we don't have a lot of time, so we should spend the time we do have together, right? Sure, the answer is right, but not when it's an absolute and you're punishing your partner for spending time with other people or vice versa. Number three, you expect your partner to always agree with you. It's one thing to always have your back. Your partner should always have your back, and it's another thing to always take your side. Always having your back is about supporting you no matter what. Always agreeing with you is too big a burden to put on anyone, no matter how compatible you are. There's this saying, and I don't know where it came from, but I'm sure you've heard it. If you agree on everything, then one of you isn't needed. And I think that's real. That's so true because iron does sharpen iron, which means, you know, we should be enriching each other with our different ideas and lenses and ways that we see the world. So it's important to ask yourself, am I wanting him to agree with me or do I just want him to hear me out? This allows you to be honest with yourself about whether your desires are realistic. And if it's your partner that tends to want you to always agree with them when things get heated, Ask him, do you need to vent to me or are you looking for agreement? That way expectations are right there on the table and you're putting a mirror up to his face about his motivations as well. When you're talking to somebody or when somebody really wants you to just agree with them and you acknowledge that and you say, are you just looking for me to agree with you? Usually they're going to go, oh, well, no. Although they might be, but it helps them be able to tame, you know, kind of tame their own expectations. Number four, you expect your partner to always know what you're thinking. Especially if you have a history of feeling unheard or devalued in your family of origin, you might have these fantasies that the perfect partner would always know what you're thinking, would be able to anticipate your needs. And this is so damaging it hurts you. Simply said, he cannot, he cannot, he cannot. You must tell him. And then when he meets your needs, it's because he loves you. It's not just because you told him. I've talked about that before. Number 5, you expect your partner to fill every void in your life. Essentially, you want him to be your source of happiness. And here's another simple answer for this. He can't. It's not fair. Stop expecting this. This expectation is a modern-day grenade in relationships. And I say modern-day because centuries ago, We didn't expect our partners to be our best friend, you know, our confidant, our, you know, business partner, our, you know, all these things. I think there was a little more realistic view of what marriage is, although I think that those roles were so stratified, and I think that there was a lot lost in that too. But, you know, we swung the pendulum over to a place where we expect these partners to be everything, and I don't think that that's healthy. There's a middle ground somewhere there. Because sometimes we expect them to walk a life's journey with us and be everything and anything to us. If you're doing an entire life together, you're each going to grow and change at different rates and in different ways over a lifetime. You can't be everything for him on this journey, and neither can he be to you. You've got to allow your roles to grow and change to get through the long haul of a life together. And that means your relationship is going to ebb and flow, and there's some places where you are going to be the only thing that each other have to hold on to. And then there's other times when you share a life, meaning he's going to come in and out of things and you're going to come in and out of the things he's doing. And that is what a healthy marriage looks like. The healthiest couples also have deep connections and external healthy relationships as well. We've got to do life with other people. So the above that I just talked about are types of unrealistic expectations. But let me tell you what is realistic. You should expect your partner— You should expect your partner to spend time with you. How much is negotiable, and every relationship is different, but you can't have a relationship without some focused time spent together. That is a realistic expectation. You should expect your partner to give you affection. You need it. He needs it. It creates a unique bond in the relationship that you don't get from other relationships. Notice I said affection. I'm not even talking about sex. Sex is important, and it's a whole different topic for another day. And I think I will be doing one because I'm going to write a blog post for Grit and Grace about when our libidos are different. But anyway, I'm talking about touching and affection. Human touch is medicine. I had a client who was struggling with being physical with her husband. They had a sexless marriage. But I asked her, can you guys just lay on opposite ends of the couch When you watch TV and just touch feet. That she could do, and that was a great first step. There is something about human touch that heals us. Number 3, you should expect your partner to treat you with respect. He won't be perfect, but respecting you means he'll strive to be a man of his word, he'll strive to listen to your needs, and he will attempt to meet them And that he will not cause you intentional pain. Intentional is the operative word. We will cause pain in relationships unintentionally in many ways, but causing intentional pain is something that you should not expect from your partner. Number 4, you should expect fidelity. I think that goes without saying, but I noticed that when people begin to doubt themselves and whether their expectations are too high, they begin to doubt everything and they can lose grasp on what would be undeniable truths to them at any other time. Expecting Expecting your partner to be faithful is not an unrealistic expectation. Now, you may have what you feel to be realistic expectations, like the ones that I just mentioned above, like the ones that I just mentioned, but your partner's not fulfilling them. You may be feeling confused about what to do. Now, you may have what you feel to be realistic expectations, just like the ones I just mentioned. But your partner is not fulfilling them. You may be feeling confused about what to do. Do you lower your expectations? Walk away? Do you just stew in resentment and anger? This is when it gets a little complicated. Continuing to expect something from someone who has historically proven he won't give it to you is making you a glutton for punishment. You should stop expecting him to meet your expectations. But wait, I just said your expectations were realistic. They are. Hold on to your knowledge that your expectations are not too high. This is the minimum of what you deserve in a relationship, but he has proven that you can't expect that from him. So why am I asking you to release your expectations when they are realistic and valid? Because the non-clinical definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. This is not the true definition of insanity, but you get my point. If you have a partner who's continuing to not meet your basic needs, then you need to stop expecting them to do that. Not release that expectation globally, but release it from them. Instead, expect them to show up as they have been showing up. But you also need to know that your needs matter. You need to decide if you need to leave the relationship or get your needs met elsewhere in the healthiest of ways. You do this first by getting crystal clear about what your expectations are. Your homework is to write down all the things you expect from your spouse. Don't judge them, just write them down. Next, ask yourself if this is a definite expectation or if you can see some gray areas here. If you can see some gray areas, then work on not judging your partner for not meeting them and accepting them for how They show up. But make sure you have the expectation conversation. Your partner should be super clear about what your expectations are. I have many clients who have been married for eons and they're disappointed that their expectations aren't being met. Then in the course of working with them, I figure out that they've never actually explicitly laid out their expectations for their partners. You gotta do that. Clearly, with behavioral terms. This means that you don't say, I need to be loved. Honestly, that says absolutely nothing. You need to say, I need you to ask me how my day was when I get home because that makes me feel loved. You see the difference? Now you're getting clear. Next, ask yourself, if he is not meeting them, can I get them met outside of the relationship? And how can I get them met in the healthiest of ways? And that is sometimes the hardest question. Don't evaluate your answer. Just be honest with yourself. Because sometimes we're scared to answer our own questions honestly because we feel that then we've got to take action. You don't. Start answering honestly and the next steps will take care of themselves. There's no foregone conclusion that just because your husband isn't meeting your needs, and even because you don't feel they can be met elsewhere, that you have to end the relationship. Don't jump there yet. You'll be surprised what happens when you first get honest and sit with it for a while. Expectations are part of relationships. We all have them. Let's just make sure they are lining up with who the person you're in relationship with actually is. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. If you're struggling in a relationship, Reach out. Please subscribe and follow so that you don't miss an episode. My episodes come out weekly, and I love to converse with you guys on Insta and other social medias. I'm mostly on Insta, so please DM me. I'd love to hear from you. Have a strong week.