How To Make Good Decisions When You Feel Guilty

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Oh my goodness, it's been since before the new year since I have released a podcast episode, and I'm so thankful to be sitting here talking to you guys right now. Today's episode is how to make good decisions when you feel guilty. I'm excited to talk about that, but first I'm going to update you. I usually do a win and a fail, but today I'm just going to update you. And for those who don't care, hang in there. I'm going to get to the topic of how to make good decisions when you feel guilty. But for those who do, I turned 50, which is mind-blowing. You guys, I've been on this earth for a half a century. Which is just, it's such a blessing. And so for my 50th birthday, I might've told you guys this, I went to Greece, but I didn't just go to Greece by myself. I went to Greece with my whole family. I had my children there. I had my grandchildren there. I had my sister and my mom and her family. It was just, and my best friend Rosie, it was really phenomenal experience where I really just celebrated. My legacy.

I celebrated what I've done in these 50 years, and I'm just so excited about what's coming up next. I submitted my book. I'm writing the next book. My book is available for preorder. There's no cover on it yet, but it's available for preorder on Amazon, Stronger in the Difficult Places. It releases September 30th. I'm so excited. Life is good.

Life is good. I've had a lot of fails since December, but my life is changing and it's growing and it's beautiful. And I am settling into 50 in such a wonderful way. And I'm so excited for this next decade. So life has also been lifing, which is why I have not been getting back to this podcast, but I miss you guys and you're not going to be able to get rid of me that easy. I will keep coming back to this podcast. So if I have another break in the future, I will try to preempt you. with letting you know. Um, if not, just, you know, keep it, keep it in your queue. I'll be back. What else is going on with me? My daughter Siggy and I are settling into being in our home together, just the two of us, and it's really been a beautiful, beautiful journey for both of us in our relationship. Being the baby of 5, she has just not had all that focused attention on her. That she has these past months, and I'm just watching her blossom. We got through fires in LA, crazy winds and storms and trees falling in my backyard, all kinds of fun things. Life has been lifing, and I'm so glad to be back. So next week I'll share more wins and fails, but for now, let's get to the episode, How to Make Good Decisions When You Feel Guilty. I hear this all the time. How can I make a decision without feeling guilty? How can I make a decision that I really know I should make, but I just feel too bad to do it? I found that most of the time, the problem isn't making a decision or knowing what decision to make or knowing what to do. The problem is dealing with the emotions that come up when you make the decision that you already know you need to make. Because guilt clouds your judgment, it gets you stuck in a cycle of Second-guessing.

And if you're used to prioritizing other people's comfort over your own, then it's even harder to trust yourself. So today we're going to break it down. We're going to talk about why guilt shows up, how to recognize if it's even valid, and how to make strong, confident decisions without your guilt running the show. I'm also going to give you 5 practical steps to help you do this. Okay, so let's get started. First is you need to understand what is the guilt really about? Some guilt's valid, right? You actually did something wrong. And that's healthy guilt because it helps us grow. When we've done something wrong, guilt tells us and we can change our behavior. But most of the guilt that I'm talking about, most of the guilt that I notice that women especially feel in relationships, it's not about you did something wrong. It's about breaking other people's expectations. So think about that. Are you feeling guilty because you truly did something wrong?

Or are you feeling guilty because you're acting in a way that someone doesn't want you to or expect you to? There's a huge difference. And once you're able to separate those two, then you can regain your power over your choice. So here's what you need to ask yourself the next time you feel guilt creeping in. Ask yourself, am I abandoning myself to make somebody else comfortable? That's huge.

Next, you've got to recognize silent agreements in relationships. I often talk about the things we learn in childhood and that most of those things are never spoken to us, right? We learn them, although no one actually told us. And those are often the values and the beliefs we have about the world that we hold most strongly because they were taught to us without even words. So this happens in our relationships too. Recognize the silent agreements in your relationship, and our shame kind of helps perpetuate this. So a lot of us have silent agreements that we never signed, that we never talked about. It might be a silent agreement that you'll always say yes. It might be a silent agreement that you will not rock the boat. It might be a silent agreement that you will put yourself last so that other people don't feel uncomfortable. Those unspoken contracts are exhausting, and the moment you start breaking them, By setting boundaries or making choices that serve you, what happens? You feel guilty because you have this agreement that you never spoke and you're breaking it. And when we break rules, we tend to feel guilty, but this is not valid guilt. So here's what you need to do. Identify one silent agreement that you've been living by and ask yourself, who benefits from this? Who benefits from this? And do I want to keep playing, or do I want to keep adhering to these unspoken rules? Next, you have to understand that guilt is a manipulation tool. It's a manipulation tool that others use against us. It's also a manipulation tool that we use against ourselves. And for other people in our life, when you start making choices that serve you, they might guilt trip you because they don't like the change. I know some of this is hard to hear, but it's important. And then in your own mind, sometimes we guilt trip ourselves before anyone else even gets the chance because we've And so the truth is, let's be real, this does happen more often to women because men tend to have higher rates of narcissism and women are conditioned to be people pleasers. It's a perfect storm for guilt-driven decision-making. And so you've got to figure out, is this manipulation or is this valid? So the next time someone tries to make you feel guilty, I want you to stop and I want you to ask yourself, Am I actually doing something wrong, or are they just uncomfortable with my growth? Next, I want you to check in with yourself. When you feel stuck in guilt, it's easy to make decisions that serve the present, because to make that decision, it gets rid of your discomfort in the moment, but it usually leads to regret in the future. So instead, you've got to shift your perspective and ask yourself, What would the me of 5 years from now say about this decision? And that's so important. And I have learned to do this over the last probably decade of my life. I think my lesson from my 40s is learning to ask myself that question, is learning to care for myself in the future. And I'm so thankful that the woman in my 40s made the choices she did to care for me now. And you've got to do the same thing. Would she thank you for making the choice that you already know you need to make? Would she thank you for choosing peace and authenticity, or would she be disappointed that you caved to guilt yet again? So before you make a tough decision, I want you to visualize yourself 5 years from now. What choice aligns with her? And you know, I went through a process of talking to a client this past week about Herself at 65. And her response to me was, I can't think of that person at 65. I can't think. I don't even see myself there. Well, I'm inviting you. I'm inviting you to see yourself a decade from now, to see yourself 5 years from now. She, God willing, is real. You will still be you then. And what you do now creates a good life for her. In the future or create a life full of sadness, guilt, resentment, anger, all the things, right? So it's so important that we don't just do what's easy in the moment, that we care for our future self. Last, I want you to make the decision and move forward and not justify it. At some point, you have to make a decision and you have to stop explaining yourself. Guilt loves to keep you in a loop of overexplaining, overthinking, seeking validation. I am the queen of that. But the truth is you don't owe anyone a lengthy explanation or justification for doing what's best for you. I know you know this already, but I'm just reminding you. So what you can do is you can give yourself a 24-hour decision window. You can think it through. You can check in with your values and then decide. And guess what? Move forward and separate your emotion with the decision, because when we put the emotion and the decision together, we're making a decision based on emotion. When we can separate the decision from the emotion and make the decision and then decide, I'll figure out how to deal with the emotion after I make the decision, we're making a better decision.

Sorry, my gardener was making as much noise as he possibly could outside, so I had to stop. The recording. Okay, so let's recap. When guilt starts creeping into your decision-making, 1, ask yourself, am I guilty of wrongdoing or just breaking somebody else's expectations? 2, recognize silent agreements in your relationships. What have I agreed to, maybe without even knowing? Or what have I agreed to without even saying the words? 3, understand that guilt is often a manipulation tool. By others or yourself. 4, check in with your future self. Will she be proud of this decision that you're making? 5, make the decision and move forward. No more justifying, no more explaining, no more hedging. Say it and do it. And I added a 6, although I didn't really mean to, but separate your emotion from the decision-making. You make the decision trying to not take in the emotion. And then once the decision is made, you figure out how to deal with your guilt, but don't try to make a decision with both of those together. If you're only thinking about your emotions, it's just going to make it harder. Listen, you are not here to keep the peace at your own expense. You are here to live boldly, to allow your uniqueness to shine. You are here to make decisions that are good for everybody involved, not just other people. And of course, decisions that are in alignment with your values. And you can do all of that in the process of chucking shame and chucking guilt. You've got this. If you liked today's episode, share it with a friend who needs to hear this message. And if you haven't yet, I'd love for you to leave a review. It helps more women find this podcast. Until next time, stay strong, trust yourself, and keep getting stronger in the difficult places. See you next week.