How To Own Your Extra When You Feel Like Too Much

Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we are talking about how to own your extra without feeling like too much. Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. But first up, my win and my fail, as usual. We had the most beautiful trip to Hawaii. That's my win. We celebrated with my extended family my brother-in-law's 50th birthday. Happy birthday, Derek! And we had the best time. We've all, all of us all over the world, right? We've all We've all been on COVID lockdown for the past year and a half, and this was the first trip we've taken. Getting there and back was a lot. It was a travel nightmare with all the COVID testing and the rules and guidelines and stress for getting to Hawaii, but it was completely worth it. I love my home and I love California mostly, but honestly, I was not ready to go home. My soul needed that trip. Just the ocean and just the smell and the ease and the quiet. And it was a huge win for my family that we were able to even go. My fail is that coming back after being in paradise was super hard. We got back early Sunday morning, and I couldn't even veg out because we were in the middle— we are now— in the middle of renovating our house, and we had contractors coming the next day, so I had to pack up the downstairs so we could move— so they could move all the furniture. And I finally collapsed in my bed on Sunday night, and I was thinking that I had the early morning to relax before I had to start to work, and my daughter comes running in my room Monday morning at 7:30 AM realizing that she missed the bus. Now it's kind of crazy, but this mom completely forgot that there was anything such as school, and I, and I forgot that I have to get up every morning to get my child ready for school. Somehow one week in Hawaii, I completely forgot that. Go figure. But it gets even better. I overslept 2 days later and I did the same thing. I've never done that. In the history of getting my kids to school. And it's crazy, I literally just forgot school was there. So there you go, my friend. I was on Hawaii brain, I guess. But before we get to our topic, I have an even bigger win. I am rebranding my podcast. And if you could see my face, I'm like, ah! I've been doing this podcast for a few years now, and I love, love, love this medium. I'm not going anywhere, promise. But I am pivoting and I'm niching down. I've been talking for years about topics that are kind of all over the place regarding being a strong woman in general, but I've been feeling deep in my bones that I need to be more specific and intentional about the direction I'm going here. And as I have grown over the past 3, 4 years, the topics that I want to talk about have morphed too. And I know this is a little bit vague, and I promise I will be everything but that moving forward. I just don't want to share until I'm completely solid on all the details. So I will be taking 3 weeks off and coming back on July 6th, Tuesdays weekly again, and then I will tell you all about it. I can't wait, and I hope this rebrand is going to serve you even better than this podcast has. I will not be taking down any of my content or starting a new podcast. I'm just pivoting with this one, so stay tuned. It's gonna be good. So on to the topic, how to own your extra. Without feeling like too much. At least once a week, a woman in my practice says, I feel like my needs are just too much. I felt like too much as a child, and I feel like too much in my marriage or with my friends now today. So today, my dear friend, I'm talking to you, and I'm talking a little bit to me too. I've been called a drama queen, mostly by my family members. I am a lot. I feel a lot. I think a lot. I want a lot. And I own that now in my 40s, but early in my marriage, I did feel like I was too much. I felt like my needs were too much. I didn't want to burden my husband or the people in my life. And we all learn that to some extent, sometimes really early in life. Something that still breaks my heart to this day happened when my son was about 2, and I had a 4-year-old, a 2-year-old, and a newborn baby with special needs. And I was potty training my 2-year-old and he peed in the dishwasher. Yes, you heard that right. I was putting up the dishes and he walked right up, pulled his pull-ups down, and peed right there in the dishwasher. Why? We will never know. I watched him do it and I think I was just pretty much done that day. I think I sighed or I moaned and I sank on the floor and my little 2-year-old Sage came up to me and he said, Mama, am I too much for you? I remember scooping him up in my arms and saying, you will never be too much for me. Mommy's just tired. It's not you, it's me. I hugged him hard. I think I was just trying to squeeze that thought out of him because I know what that feels like, to feel like you're too much. And it killed me that I, in my exasperation over his little 2-boy self, had created that feeling in my son. He's 17 years old now. He's almost 6 foot tall, and he can install a dishwasher for me now. The years fly by, but then at 2, he learned that he was too much. And you may have too, by a sigh, a moan, a criticism from your mom or your friends or your spouse. We sometimes feel that our feelings are too big. Our emotions can't be held, that there's no space for all of who we are with the people that we love. And so I wanted to share today in this episode, just some hope and encouragement to anyone who might be feeling like they would be better if they were a different person, if they were quieter or louder, if they talked more or less, if they got in front of people more, if they stayed behind the scenes instead. I want you to sit and think for a second about what your too muchness has allowed you to do. I think about that because I'm a risk taker. I left my family and I moved across the country to marry the man I loved at 19 years old. I've stood on stages to share my words with fear gripping my insides. I've bungee jumped, I've skydived, I've scuba dived. I've put my hand out for a shake when I knew it would not be reciprocated, and I've dared to ask for what I wanted, and I've said no to an unhealthy marriage. The reality of my too muchness is that not everyone's gonna like me, and honestly, that's been hard to deal with. I want to be liked. Who doesn't? But I can't sacrifice myself to be liked by you. And I know because it's happened that along with my wins, I will make huge mistakes sometimes as I take big risks, and that's a super hard pill to swallow. But there are more poisonous pills, and that's trying to be who I'm not. Because without my too muchness, I never would have experienced the thrill of all the accomplishments that I have. I wouldn't have experienced the depth of love and the maturity. As I stretch myself to my limits. I feel deep in all the ways, meaning that sometimes my anger has just as fast a trigger as my joy and my sadness. My love runs deep and hard, and sometimes it feels like it's too much, even for me. But yes, you have to be you, too much and a lot, and you got to keep showing up, my friend, in all your glory. You might look at that lane beside you with the quiet, unassuming girl who seems happy as a peach, and you might I wish I could be smaller, easier, smoother, less rough, less dramatic, less loud and big. But you're wasting your time trying to fit in the wrong container, because what you have to bend and break or shave off in order to fit is the very best of you. The world would be less bright if it couldn't be blessed by the uniqueness of you if you hid it in your shell. And guess what? Someone else would shine in your place. Where you were meant to shine. And so for those who tell you otherwise, who seek to shush you, to dim your light, to mold you to their liking, who say you're too intense, too outspoken, too much, you tell them that too much is just the right amount. You can own your extra by naming your feelings, not blindly following them or pushing them down. And sometimes they may feel overwhelming, especially if you aren't used to owning them. Those who feel strongly often lead by emotion when they're less mature, and as you mature, you learn to balance it out a little bit. If you're going to lead by emotion, seek to know them well and understand yourself well, even if others don't. Knowing yourself well gives you a roadmap that tells you when to act through your emotions, when to walk through your emotions, and when to sit with them. Here are 3 things that you can do Right now to own your extra. Speak up. Even though you might feel shaky in your knees and your tongue might feel dry, most people who've been told that they're too much have a passion for something and they have words to share, but they've learned to silence themselves in exchange for acceptance, which in the short run might feel like a win, but in the long run, it's just sucking all the life out of you. So say words out loud until you get your voice back, and it will come back because it was never gone in the first place. It was just buried by shame and a desire to be liked. Next, release relationships where you can't be real, or refuse to show up in any relationship as anyone else and let the chips fall where they may. Now, I'm— this is not a license for you to be cruel or mean. Being too much is not about saying things to hurt people or not censoring yourself ever. It's about simply being The best version of you. Now I know you've heard this before, but I'm gonna say it again because you need to hear it, that the people who are meant for you will love you. The people who love you will still love you, and those who aren't and don't are actually inconsequential to your purpose in your life. So let's not give them the headspace. Next, find your people. This is so important because your people are out there. If you like researching and writing about pink turtles of the rainforest and you feel like no one gets you, Find your people. The internet is vast and they are out there. They will get you and they will remind you that weird is relative. And last, I'm going to leave you with an excerpt of a letter written by Pratibha A., a letter to those who feel like too much. But you forget, dear one, that you also love the hardest and the deepest. You would fight the longest for the things you believe in and the people you care about. You have the resilience to persist and hope long after the rest of the crowd has given up and gone home. You champion the causes that need a voice. You push for the changes that need to be made. You won't sit down and shut up or be put in your place when what you care about and believe in is on the line. You are brave enough to stand up and speak out when the rest of the world is staying silent. You may always be too much for the people who are complacent and meek. But you will never be too much for the fierce ones, the ones who have come alive. You will never be too much for the people whose fire burns as brightly as yours does, whose zest and vitality complement your own. You will never be too much for the people who seek to experience all that life has to offer and to live it fully, with arms and spirits wide open, ready to embrace whatever comes their way. You will always be exactly right, exactly as you are and should be. For the people whose hearts beat the way yours does. This episode is just as much for me as it is for you. As I step into my too-muchness and I rebrand this show, as I step into my own and I publish my memoir, may you, my friend, use your own fire, whether it's burning bright or it's just finding the courage to ignite again, and do all that you dream and love well along the way. Because you, my friend, are just the right I will see you in 3 weeks. Stay tuned. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.