In this solo podcast episode, Dr. Zoe Shaw blends personal storytelling, psychological insight, and Christian faith to give women (and anyone) practical guidance on repairing estranged family relationships. She opens with a personal anecdote about feeling hurt when her son dismissed her writing abilities, using the story to illustrate ego, self‑validation, and the importance of owning one’s feelings. She then shifts to the core advice: first, assess whether the relationship is healthy and worth restoring, noting that toxic or codependent dynamics may make reconciliation unwise, while parental responsibility to minor children is non‑negotiable. Next, she urges listeners to honestly examine their own role in the conflict, even if they feel victimized, and to take responsibility for any part they played. She outlines concrete steps for initiating contact—prefer phone calls, letters, or voicemails over texts, clearly express the desire to reconnect, and apologize for one’s own mistakes. Dr. Shaw stresses managing expectations: don’t expect immediate warm reception, acknowledge the other person’s hurt, and remain consistent, present, and non‑needy over potentially long periods. She weaves in faith‑based encouragement, reminding listeners that God is present even when unseen, that perseverance aligns with biblical teaching (“do not grow weary in doing good”), and that forgiveness—both of self and others—is essential. Finally, she cautions against becoming a doormat, emphasizes setting healthy boundaries, maintaining a supportive external network, and recognizing that personal worth and healing do not depend on the outcome of the estranged relationship. The episode concludes with a hopeful call to action, encouraging listeners to stay steady, trust the process, and continue nurturing their own well‑being.
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This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey, hey, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today I'm going to give you some hope for your estranged family relationships. I'm glad you're here. But first, as I do every week, I'm going to tell you my win and my fail for the week. My fail is that my son said I wasn't a good writer and I got my feelings hurt. Okay, so maybe I'm I'm exaggerating that a little bit, but that's definitely what I heard, and you can tell me if you heard the same thing. So my son's applying to college, and right now he's applying to fly-in programs, which are kind of like a little step in the door to getting into certain colleges. And there was an essay that he had to write. So I said, Sage, let me see the essay. I know he's been working on it. I wanted to review it and help him with it. And I've been kind of bugging him about showing me this essay for a little while, and finally it's almost time to Turn in his essay. I haven't seen it. And I asked him about it. And his response was, Mom, I'm good. I have better writers than you checking my essay. I was like, huh? What? And he listed off the 2 people that he had looking at his essay. And he's like, they're better writers than you are. So why do I need you to help me? I'm good. So my feelings got so hurt. First of all, he's my son. Of course I want to check his essay. And the fact that he doesn't seem to need me to do it, Okay, that hurt on a mom level. And then number 2, ooh, my ego. Wow. Did you just say I wasn't a good writer? Did you just say all these other people are better writers than I am? So in steps my ego, which was inflating with anger. And I found myself trying to defend myself to a 17-year-old, like feeling like I wanted to get out my dissertation or I wanted to get out my published, traditionally published book, or I wanted to get out some review where someone said I was a great writer, and I had to stop myself. Wait, why am I defending myself? But my feelings got hurt. So that's my fail. Long story, I did end up reading his essay, written very well. My son is actually probably a better writer than I am, but as great as his writing was, he actually didn't fully answer the question. And that matters. And so I was able to point that out to him because my wisdom, whether I'm a better writer than they are or not, Is more important than their ability to write. Because no matter how awesome you write, and this is what I did tell my son, if you don't answer the question, it doesn't matter. So that was my fail in that I got my feelings hurt, decided I needed to defend myself to my son. I didn't though. I was able to kind of back up, mend myself together, push, you know, allow my ego to give itself a little bit of a rest. And recognize that really my ego got hurt. And in my son's defense, he did pretty quickly come back and say, hey, Mom, that was actually really rude. I didn't mean it the way I said it. And it's funny because I did say, you know, Sage, I am a pretty good writer. And he's like, I know, I've read your work. And I was like, okay, that didn't help. You've read my work and you already said I wasn't, but anyway. So my win on the whole writing thing is that I hit my writing goal every day this week. You know, it's so easy to set your mind to something and still not do it. And that's happened to me time and time again in my writing journey and other journeys— exercise, eating, whatever— and I'm sure it's happened to you too. But this week I have a win. So if you're in a place where you're trying to get a routine done, keep working at it. Sometimes it's just about figuring out how to fit it in your life, and you have to keep trying different ways to find the best fit. Sometimes it's about getting over a fear of failure. Sometimes it's getting— Overcoming a fear of failure. over a fear of just being in a hard place, whether it's writing, working out, eating better, working on your passion project, or working on relationships that we're going to talk about today. Keep trying, my friend. So now, hope for your estranged family relationships. I actually had another topic planned today, but my heart has been so heavy with so many people in my life, both clients and friends, who feel distance and estrangement in their relationships. And I've just been having these conversations. And so I decided, you know what, I just need to talk about this today. So maybe something has happened, whether it was a clear breach or a slow distancing in your relationship. Maybe you're a mom who feels hopeless about being able to connect with your adolescent child. Maybe you're a sister and you're estranged with your sibling. I'm here to tell you that it may take longer than you want, That the waiting can feel like forever, but I have seen prodigal children returned. I have seen sibling relationships restored. I have seen children reconnect with estranged parents. Often a client will tell me, I don't think we're ever going to talk again. I think our relationship is too far gone. What I know though, is that if you honestly pursue, almost any relationship can be restored. What's going on, of course, is that there's a mountain of pain between you two because of whatever happened, whether real or imagined. And both of you have been hurt, and it's hard to let the hurt go. So as I'm speaking today, think about that relationship that feels like it's slowly slipping from your grasp, that maybe you have little or no hope for. Maybe it's one that you've already severed. I'm encouraging you that if you want it, it's possible to restore it, but it will take effort, humbleness, and a bunch of patience. So if you know that's what you're up for, here's what you need to do. One, first, this is so important. You've got to ask yourself, why do you want to restore the relationship? Is this person otherwise healthy for you? There's some relationships that you might miss terribly, that hurt to no longer have in your life, but they're not healthy for you. Restoring a relationship with a toxic parent, a sibling, or a grandparent even is not always in your best interest. And you could actually be perpetuating codependency issues if you attempt to restore or maintain relationships with people who are very toxic and dysfunctional for you. There's a caveat though. Restoring a relationship with your minor child is not really an option in my professional opinion. It's your duty. When it comes to parenting, the relationship between parent and child is 100% the responsibility of a parent. It changes when you become an adult or when they become an adult, but it's our job to show our children how to do relationships. We can't do that by cutting them off. Our children hurt us sometimes, and that is just the truth of all relationships, especially our teenage kids. Remember my son telling me I'm a bad writer? But our job is to be there for them in some way, shape, or form, even if they're not in our home. This might take therapy, it might take a third person, but it needs to happen. I also think that parents should always seek to reconcile with adult children, but certainly there are cases where this is unhealthy as well. Regardless of what it is, you must be honest with yourself that the relationship is worth saving. Remember, this person is not going to change, so you've got to ask the hard questions of yourself. Is this the person you want to be in relationship with, or do you want to be in a relationship with the fantasy of who you want that person to be? If it's a fantasy, then you need to change course and you need to work on either accepting them for who they are Or grieving the loss of the relationship. If you know that this relationship was worth pursuing, then next you've got to own your side. If you think you've done nothing wrong, think again. All relationships take 2 people. If you were truly a victim and they were the perpetrator, then you may need to think again about whether restoring this relationship is a healthy choice for you. Otherwise, figure out what your part was. Number 3, go to the person. Make a phone call, write a letter, or send a voicemail. Do not text them. Too many things get misconstrued with a text message, and it's way too easy to ignore and not respond to, and then that just creates another small tear in your already, you know, fragile relationship. Make your wish to restore the relationship known. Let them know, I want to be in relationship with you. I miss you. Can we try again? Make sure you identify first what you did wrong and apologize. This doesn't mean that they did nothing wrong, but you've got to own you. Their responsibility is theirs. Number 4, do not expect to be greeted with open arms. There's hurt there. That's real. People feel they need to protect themselves when they've been hurt. So you've got to acknowledge that. I know you've been hurt. I've been hurt too, right? Let's acknowledge that hurt and let's see if we can find a place to move forward. You've got to understand that and you've got to give them grace. Everybody deals with their hurt, pain, grief differently. So what you can't do is tell them what they need to do with theirs or how long it needs to take. Um, Or how hurt they've been. That's for them to own. You own yours. And the waiting is the hard part, my friend. I've had clients in my practice who are trying to restore relationship and they'll say, this isn't going to work. They'll never speak to me again. I've lost them. And I sit with them sometimes for months or a year or two. And I tell them, stay consistent. You're building up trust. I know it's hard to feel rejected time and time again. They will come back. And how can I say that with confidence? Because I understand psychology and relationships. I understand that if you stay consistent, not needy, not pushing them, but consistent and present and available and make your place known, the psychology of people is that they will come back. See, humans want to be in connection with each other. We want to be in connection with our family. It's just that misunderstandings, pain, hurt gets in the way of that. But when there's an opportunity to heal, our nature is to want to be in relationship. And when you are praying and you are seeking God and you are asking for him to help restore the relationship, how do you keep the faith when you feel like God isn't showing up in your family? God isn't showing up for you in your relationships. You've prayed and prayed and you've asked God for restoration and you feel like he is just not showing up for you. Your child is as angry as ever. Your sister is ignoring your attempts. You know, sometimes going through difficult times strengthens our belief in God, and sometimes it makes us struggle with unbelief. You might feel like God doesn't see you. He doesn't care about your deepest desires and wants, but he does. He made the structure of relationships and he is there Even when we can't see him, even when it feels like we're struggling alone. Remember, God desires us to be happy, but even more than that, he desires us to be healthy and functional, both spiritually and humanly, right, in our relationships. And that doesn't always happen without some pain, some intent. So my friend, if you need a little bit of encouragement today and you're feeling a bit weary, I'm here to give that to you. Don't give up. You can do this. The Bible says, do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest, if we don't give up. I have that written down. I don't know if I've told you guys before, but since I was young, I used to write down quotes that really kind of spoke to me, and I would put them up, paste them all over my walls in my bed— in my bedroom. I don't do it all in my bedroom now, but I do have— A closet. where I have quotes put up. I do sometimes put quotes and put them on my mirror just to remind myself, and this is one of them. Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we don't give up. Now, this does not mean that we are doormats, friends. This means we stay consistent. There's a difference between pursuing a relationship with health and allowing someone to abuse you. That never works. It isn't healthy, and it takes you down a negative spiral. You need to have boundaries. And you need to go about and live your life while you pursue a broken relationship. You need to have outside supportive relationships and do not allow this broken relationship to consume your life. If you're looking for this relationship to validate you, to give you some exoneration or release your guilt, stop. That's a do-it-yourself job. You have already been forgiven. You've got to do your own work because no relationship can give that to you. That puts too heavy a burden on an already precarious place to expect this relationship to give you anything but companionship and connection. You've got to give the rest to yourself. I'm going to repeat again, you have been forgiven. You are valid and you are worthy regardless of this relationship. You can release any guilt involved, my friend. Know that if a mend never occurs, you will be okay because you have forgiven this person and you have forgiven yourself and you have created a healthy lifestyle. separate from this relationship. You've done all you can do to restore it. Remember, God is the ultimate psychologist. He knows how our brains are wired. He is not confused about how all this stuff works. He's not concerned with your timeline either, though, and that's why it might feel like He doesn't care sometimes. He's got a bigger picture going on. He's always there, and He's present when you can't see Him working. So rest in that knowledge. So my friend, if you stay steady, if you're consistent, if you're not pushy but present, they will move. It may take years because sometimes we have to prove ourselves to someone. Sometimes they need to get over their anger, but if you stay, they will come. I hope these words are just a little balm to your spirit if you're feeling discouraged, A little hopeless about a relationship. Put this relationship in your affirmation. Visualize this relationship in a healthy place. Give it to God and move on with your life. And it will happen in time, my friend. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. We're fixing you, not them. And that changes everything. Tune in on Tuesdays. Don't forget to subscribe, follow. And sign up for my email list so you don't miss an episode. Have a strong week.
