Is Authenticity Fake Strength?

Is authenticity another way to overshare and accept something in ourselves that doesn't further our greatest potential? Or is it a means to connect with others in a very deep way? I think the answer is yes and yes. How do we ride that line? So whether you're a boss, an authority figure, or just a woman trying to be real, listen up. I'm going to do a little deep dive into authenticity today. Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. Today's topic is, is authenticity fake strength? But first, of course, my win and my fail. So my win, y'all, I met my first deadline to the editor on this book that I'm writing. I think I need an applause for that. Actually, I can applaud for myself, but I'm just very excited. I am a third of the way through this book and it's kind of hard to believe. So that's my win. My fail is that I missed recording a podcast last week. There simply weren't enough hours in the day. I'm giving myself grace for not getting an episode out, and I hope that you guys will extend that grace to me as well. And just an FYI, this podcast might go down to every other week while I'm writing this book. I don't love you any less, I promise, but writing a book about self-care is actually forcing me to care for myself more. And I love that gift that I can hopefully give to you as well. But I'm excited for our fall lineup. I'm going to be doing 8 episodes on self-care starting in November, getting ready to launch the book, and I'll be having some awesome guests who specialize in the various aspects of self-care: mind, body, and soul. It's going to be great. I'm looking forward to it. So on to the topic of the show: is authenticity fake strength? I have been thinking a lot about the topic of authenticity, and of course it's been a pretty hot word for quite a while now, and many leaders and influencers are judged based on it, and politicians as well. Are you authentic enough? It's funny because I've had a couple of people say to me, you're so authentic, I love you, and based on the same information, I've had other people criticize me and say that I seem fake. So what exactly is authenticity? Well, I think that would depend on what you believe. But Brené Brown, who's become our modern-day evangelist for authenticity, shame, vulnerability, all of it, she states that authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. That sounds really beautiful, and I love, love, love Brené Brown. I've quoted her numerous times, so this isn't about throwing any shade at her, but I do have a couple of issues about the definition of authenticity. Maybe issues is a strong word, but if my goal is to always just be real, what purpose does that serve? And at what point do our aspirational selves come in? How do we get there if we're always just being real and accepting who we are, right? So if authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are, the question we all need to wrestle with is, who am I? Who am I created to be? Who do I want to be? And how do I walk the line between accepting who I am and striving for better? How do I know what is true vulnerability and what is just TMI? I even struggle with that on the podcast sometimes. What is too much to share? And sometimes I've shared, guys, and I've thought, Ooh, I think that was a little too much. And that's, I think, where, you know, vulnerability and authenticity meets that line of purpose. So first, why does authenticity matter? I believe that authenticity matters because trying to be someone who you are not sends a very clear message to yourself that who you are really is not okay, and that's never a good thing. I'm reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz right now, and he's highlighting what I already know to be true about how we're taught from very early on that who we are isn't okay. We're taught by our parents, we're taught through even the religion, our beliefs, we're taught from our teachers and our society in general, often conflicting messages that state that there's a certain way to be. As a result, we have created an adaptive self, and I'm not saying that's bad because we're going to talk later about the difference between adaptive self and another type of self. But that self acts often in the way that we think we're supposed to be. That self helps us to be functioning members in our world, or even in our various worlds. But that adaptive self can run your life if you let it, and then you can be left feeling worn out, unloved, not good enough, and unseen. Now, does that mean that we should just let our id, as Freud would put it, or maybe our sin nature, as Christians call it, run the show? Should we all just go dance naked in the street and give in to all of our desires and instant wants in an effort to be authentic? Well, I think not. There are a lot of reasons why that doesn't work and why it's not productive, but we also can't let our adaptive self Who is essentially fake, run the show either. Now don't get mad at me yet. I'm not calling you fake, but that adaptive self can sometimes be fake. I think being truly authentic takes a level of wisdom and deep understanding that many people never attain. And I'm certainly not saying that I'm there. I'm not. Authenticity is a deeply pitted, dirty, and rocky road, and I'm determined to trudge down. And I slip and I fall, and often I'll stand up with the stains of my fall evident on my face and all over my body. But I'm making my way down the road, and I'm happy to walk this journey with you too. I think that in order to discover your authentic self, you need to understand why you believe what you believe. If you can't answer that question, my friend, then you are operating out of your adaptive self, not your authentic self. When I first started asking myself these questions, it felt really uncomfortable. I've been taught as a child, just like you probably have, that certain things are true in the world and that for the most part you don't question them, especially when it comes to patriotism or religion or deeply held beliefs. But to not question or even fully understand or decide for yourself that you believe in something is operating from your adaptive self. So first, ask yourself, what do I know to be true? What do I believe about myself, the world, God? And more importantly, why? You need to understand why you believe what you believe. And believe me, this is not a 15-minute exercise. It can be a long journey of learning and understanding. And I invite you to start this journey today. Next, you have to line up your life with your priorities. And I will be the first to say that I struggle with this one every single day, my actions are not always in line with what I say and feel that I believe. I have to challenge myself on the daily with this one. And sometimes I can even watch my actions as a means of understanding what I believe. Other times I just have to challenge my actions, especially when I know that they're wrong. Tiki Davis talks about facilitating a conversation with your adaptive self and your authentic self, where you actually take some time and allow your authentic self to have a healthy conversation with your adaptive self. Keep listening, I know. Consider thanking your adaptive self for the ways that she's had to show up in order to survive in her world, and ask her where she feels she has to keep showing up now and why. Ask her how she can let go of the shoulds and allow your authentic self to show up more. Then there's your aspirational self. I wrote my working definition of a strong woman. I think I talked about it on the podcast A couple of weeks ago. That definition is my aspirational self. I actually try to live up to her. When I'm expressing her, I'm not expressing my adaptive self. That's the part of me that may feel that I'm not good enough, that wants to live up to society's standards of who I should be. I'm expressing my aspirational self. Is that authentic? Well, yes. She isn't truly who I am at all times. She isn't truly who I am at all times, but she is who I'm intending to be. She's my authentic aspirational self. The moments in my life that I embody her, although sometimes fleeting, are the moments when I am living up to my full potential, my authentic self. There's a saying that says that you can find out what a person really believes by watching their actions, and I think that's true to a certain extent. But not fully. Because you could take a snapshot of my life at my worst times, and you could determine that I am a morally corrupt hypocrite. But that's not fully who I am. It's not even mostly who I am. And it certainly isn't what I believe to be my aspirational self. You and I have to walk the line between accepting who we are in this very present and aspiring to be more of who we are As a growth projector. Not because who we are is not currently good enough. It is. It's actually because who we are is good enough. So is authenticity for authenticity's sake fake? Yes, maybe it is. As I strive to be authentic, I have some battles. The truth is that I don't tell you guys everything about my life. You see a snapshot of what I choose to share with you. Now, when I do share with you, I strive to share the truth as I know it, but I don't always share everything. And even as I'm writing my memoir, I struggle with what to share and why. I try to ask myself, how is this story furthering the purpose in my book? There are definitely some salacious stories about my deepest, darkest times in my life, but do they serve the purpose of my book? And do they serve my reader? Are they insightful and learning opportunities for my reader, or is it just entertainment at my own expense and my family's expense? These are the hard questions. Authenticity is a deep understanding of self and a lack of shame expressing it, in my opinion. And that's where true strength lies. Random expressions of all your thoughts is probably fake authenticity. I truly, truly believe that sharing deeply and darkly can be a means of connection and even teaching. that can yield amazing growth both in the sharer and the receiver. I've learned so much about myself and humanity through memoirs, through other people sharing difficult times in their lives, by my clients' struggles and me being honest about my own. But there has to be a purpose and a balance. So as you, strong woman, strive for authenticity in your life, ask yourself the deep questions that I Address today. Have some conversations with yourself. And when you do choose to share, know your purpose in doing so. You've got this. Thank you for listening to The Dr. Zoe Show: Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.