Is it Emotional Abuse—Or Something Else?

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we are digging into a topic that so many people struggle to name, to identify, or even to accept that it's real in their lives: emotional abuse. Is it emotional abuse or is it something else? I'm going to talk all about it, but first, my win and my fail. Actually, before I even get to my win and my fail, if you're a writer, I am having a writing retreat. It will be June 12th and 13th in North Carolina. I'm going to be leading this retreat for writers who have something that they're working on. We will be writing for 2 days. It's a 2-day retreat. I will also be leading some workshops that will really just be about helping you dive deeper into your writing, but we'll be focusing on getting our words out, on community, on sharing our writing with each other and supporting. Our writing journey. So if that sounds like you, if you are my writing people, click the link in the show notes to register and get more information. We're running a Mother's Day sale only for one week. Click on the link and register, and I hope to see you there. Okay. Onto my wins. I want you to know that I share my wins and my fails, not just so that I can talk about myself and not just so that you guys can get to know me better, although that matters to me too. I share them because I know how difficult it is sometimes to accept your failures. I was just talking to a client this week who really struggles with the fear of failing, and sometimes that fear of failing sabotages us. Not sometimes, all the time. We do have a natural fear that is adaptive, that's protective, but when it comes to failure, oftentimes that fear of failing is overboard. It's exaggerated to such an extent that it does sabotage us. And so the reason why I share my fails is because we learn from them. Because when we're afraid to fail, it's harder to succeed. Think about that. When we're afraid to fail, it's much harder to succeed. When we allow ourselves to fail and then look back at that failure, evaluate it, figure out what we learned from it, we grow. And when we allow ourselves to risk failure, We give ourselves the opportunity to succeed. So that's why I share my wins and my fails. I share my wins though, because we've got to honor our wins. It's easy for us to ignore our wins and just focus on our failures. And no, we've got to do both. We learn from our failures and we celebrate our wins. That's health, guys. Okay. So my wins and my fails this week. My win was that I went to New Orleans. I've never been to New Orleans before. It was such a great experience, not just going to the city, but, which was awesome, but also the experience of leading a group of fellow writers. I love writers. I love writing. I love the part of my work where I get to pour into writers and I get to encourage them and learn about what they're doing. And I feel like everything they're writing about is just so fascinating. Um, so I love my work. And so my win is that number one, I love my work. I love the life I've created for myself. And I had a great time in New Orleans doing this writing book launch retreat. It was wonderful. So that's my win. And New Orleans, it's funny. It's, uh, New Orleans, for any of you guys in New Orleans, first of all, I love your city. And also somebody, a friend of mine said that her husband said that you need a passport to go to New Orleans. Because it's just such a different place from many other cities in the US, which I agree with, but it was wonderful. I got a walking tour. I ate beignets. I ate jambalaya. Muffuletta? Is that what it's called? Muffuletta? And I had gumbo. Gumbo. That's what I had, gumbo, among some other really great local cuisine. Anyway, it was great. It was a wonderful experience, definitely a win. My fail. Okay, this is embarrassing. I don't know why it's embarrassing, but it's crazy. So it's kind of a long story. I'm going to try to really condense it because we actually need to talk about the thing. We need to talk about emotional abuse today. The fail is that I bought a lizard for my daughter a while ago, a year ago, I think, because she was doing a Scouts project and she wanted a lizard, learning about reptiles and raising them. And you know, you know what you do, you buy your kids gerbils and hamsters and All kinds of things and lizards. So we have a lizard. His name is Remy, super cute lizard. We bought him as a baby. He's grown up now. Anyway, Sage, my youngest son, told me that I should be feeding Remy cockroaches. And so Siggy and I would go to PetSmart and we would buy these little cockroaches, which just didn't feel right to me, but we did. And one day, as Siggy was feeding Remy cockroaches, one of the little cockroaches Escaped, jumped, I don't know, fell. She dropped it, I think, and it ran away, went behind some furniture. We couldn't find it, and I didn't think about it because I was like, okay, it's just one. You need 2 to reproduce, right? Ha, I've learned so much. Anyway, um, so I didn't think about it, let the cockroach go, but I did stop buying cockroaches because I was like, this does not feel good to actually go to the store and buy these things and bring them in my house because what if more get out? You know, the whole thing. So inevitably, we started seeing bugs in the house. Well, Siggy did. She told me, Mom, I saw a bug in the kitchen. And so I went to get, uh, what do you call them, baits at the Lowe's and put them in the kitchen area. And I sprayed something in her bathroom. Anyway, It turns out that we had roaches in our house. Surprise, surprise. And so I called the exterminator and it was a whole experience. This guy came in and he looked like he was on Ghostbusters. I mean, he was ready to go. And he talked to me for like a half hour about all the different types of roaches. He did his due diligence, finally found one, told me I had a German roach issue. Oh gosh, so disgusting. And he was very excited. He told me they're the worst kind and they're the hardest to get rid of. And he did this whole thing. And so we prepped the house, left the house. He did all of his thing. And actually afterwards, I think he was disappointed because he was ready for like, I don't know what he was ready for, to just really have some kind of all-out war battle with, um, these roaches. But unfortunately there weren't a lot of them. And so he told me that we caught it early enough, you know, it's not an infestation, but he took care of it. And thankfully after, you know, I don't love putting chemicals in my house, first of all. I don't like that. But on the other hand, I'm not going to live in a house with bugs. So it was unfortunately a no-brainer, but I didn't love it, but he got rid of them. Of course, I got myself on some kind of year-long plan, probably overkill. I'm okay with it. Anyway, it's been actually a couple of weeks. We haven't seen any bugs. It's back to normal, but I'm thankful that we are rid of that issue. So lesson learned, don't go buy cockroaches and bring them into your home. Maybe don't listen to your children about how to take care of the animals in your home. And honestly, trust your gut, because when I was buying cockroaches, it didn't feel right. It did not feel right to buy cockroaches and bring them into your house. So anyway, I feel like I've said that word cockroach enough and— It makes my skin crawl, but that's my fail. And luckily my house is free of bugs now. Kind of expensive mistake, but we make them and I learned. Okay, now onto the actually important topic. Is it emotional abuse or is it something else? Today we're going to dive into a topic that so many people struggle to name, to identify, or even accept as real in their lives. And that's emotional abuse. But we're also gonna do something equally important. We're gonna talk about what isn't emotional abuse, because when you've grown up in dysfunction or you've internalized your shame, right? You guys know I'm talking a lot about complex shame. It can be easy to mislabel or to completely miss what's happening in your relationships. I have a number of clients who will come to me and they'll say, Dr. Zoe, is that emotional abuse? They'll describe an interaction between themselves and their partner or somebody else. And they'll either label it as emotional abuse or they'll ask me if they're being abused. And sometimes I'm like, nope, that's not emotional abuse. That's just conflict. But then other times I'll have clients who are telling me about something that's happening in their relationship, something that their partner said to them, and I need to say, hey, do you realize that that's emotional abuse? And often it didn't even dawn on them. So let's unpack this today. Let's talk about the difference between emotional abuse, relationship conflict, poor communication, and even just plain dumb human imperfection. And why does it even matter? It matters because when we don't understand what's going on in our relationships, we feel confused. We respond in ways that aren't appropriate. And we often damage our relationships, whether our relationship with ourself or our relationship with someone else. And so it matters because if you can get a good grip on what is emotional abuse, what isn't, then you'll be one step closer to responding in a healthy way. So first, what's emotional abuse? Emotional abuse is a pattern of behavior that seeks to control, to manipulate, to belittle, or to isolate another person using psychological or emotional tactics. It's damaging, it can be traumatic, and it's toxic. So it can include things like gaslighting. What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is when essentially someone intentionally tries to convince you that your experience and reality is not real, that what you're seeing, what you're hearing, what you're experiencing doesn't actually exist. So it's a little bit more than just denying. It's telling you you're crazy. It's telling you that didn't happen. It's telling you you don't know what you're talking about. It's completely insinuating or directly telling you that whatever you've experienced is not real and that it didn't happen. And this is truly crazy-making because over time, if you confront your partner and you tell them, hey, I heard you talking to a woman on the phone last night. What was that about? And he completely denies it and says, I wasn't talking to anybody on the phone. And you know what you heard, but that makes you question yourself. It can make you question yourself. It just depends on the dynamics in the relationship. But over time, when your experience is continually denied, you begin to question yourself. It's extremely toxic. Unfortunately, it's actually a very useful tool for manipulators. It works well. When you continue to completely deny that someone's experience happened, you create confusion And the other person, and on top of that, you've just shut down the conversation. When someone comes to you and tells you that they experienced something or that they saw you doing something and you completely deny that that even happened, you just shut down the whole conversation. There's nothing else to say. And so for the gaslighter, it's a very useful tactic and it's toxic. It is so toxic. Another way that emotional abuse can rear its head is in name-calling or constant criticism. Where you're constantly criticized, where you're called names, where your entire kind of being and self and way of living is demeaned. That's emotional abuse. Another one is withholding affection or the silent treatment as punishment. Yes, giving the silent treatment as punishment is a form of emotional abuse. Even though it tends to be common, it doesn't make it okay. So when you withhold affection or you give someone the silent treatment, you stonewall, especially when it's done repetitively, it's emotional abuse. It leaves the other person with no other options. They can't have conversation with you because you're ignoring them. So there's no way to repair the relationship. Another form of emotional abuse Are threats, intimidation, or shaming. And once again, when someone shames you, they make you feel at your core like you are bad. And of course, like you are bad or you are wrong. And of course, threats and intimidation, you're throwing your partner's nervous system into fight or flight when you're threatening them or intimidating them because they feel in danger. That's emotional abuse. Another form of emotional abuse is blaming you for everything, even their own behaviors. So, I'm sorry I had to yell at you, but if you weren't such a nag, I wouldn't have to yell. Or if you, or if you were a better wife, I'd come home earlier for work. Or if you were smarter with money, I wouldn't control your money so much. Those kinds of things are blaming you for behavior that is actually abusive. So usually the behavior is abusive and then they blame you for the behavior. Another form of emotional abuse is rewriting history to make you doubt yourself. So this one is a little different than gaslighting. Gaslighting is telling you what you experienced didn't happen. Now you can take a step further from gaslighting and create an entire experience that didn't happen. So that's rewriting history. That would be if you have a conversation with your partner and you say, That really hurt me when you disrespected me like that and you didn't even apologize. And if he looked at you and said, that never happened. And actually, remember, I did apologize, right? So if they're denying that they did anything, and then on top of that, creating a story that even though I didn't do anything, I still apologized. So what's your problem? It's crazy-making. So when they rewrite history and they told you they did something or told you that something happened that never actually happened, once again, It makes you doubt and confuse yourself. It does undermine the relationship and it's toxic. And the thing about emotional abuse is that it's not just what they do. It's about how often they do it and why. It's about their energy with which they do it, their tone that they show up, because we know that energy and tone completely changes interactions, right? Someone can say a sentence to you with one type of energy or tone and the same sentence with a totally different energy or tone. And in one instance it would be emotional abuse, and in the other it wouldn't be. And I know that can feel confusing, but here's what you need to remember. With emotional abuse, there's always a thread of control, erosion of your self-worth, and often an intentional, even if it's unconscious, effort to destabilize your sense of self. That is always going to be present with emotional abuse. And so if you're wondering if you're crazy, if you feel confused about who you are, if you're recognizing that there's a threat of control in the interaction, it's emotional abuse. But here's the tricky part, and this is super important. We know that emotional abuse can sometimes be hard to recognize, especially if it doesn't come with a raised voice or a broken object or physical violence, right? Often it's silent. And sometimes, and this is the worst, sometimes it's disguised as love. And maybe you grew up in an emotionally abusive family where emotional abuse was disguised as love. And that makes it even harder to distinguish it when you're in a relationship. So how do we know if it's emotional abuse or if it's something else? So let's compare. First, conflict does not equal emotional abuse. I know a lot of times people are afraid of conflict and they think people in healthy relationships don't fight. I will hear that often. And my question is always, well, how do you Define fight, because disagreements is not the same as fighting, but a lot of times people put those 2 concepts together. Like if there's a disagreement, therefore it's a fight. And my answer is no. Healthy relationships have disagreements. Fighting is a whole nother different thing. So remember, conflict in and of itself is not a bad thing. It's actually healthy and it does not equal emotional abuse. All relationships have conflict. At least they should. If not, then you do not have a healthy intimacy in a relationship. Disagreements don't make someone an abuser. In a healthy relationship, people can disagree and sometimes even in a fun and non-conflictual way, right? When you're not afraid of disagreements, there's health present in a relationship. So let's, let's take it even a step further. Let's say your partner yells during a fight. That's not okay. But one incident of yelling isn't necessarily emotional abuse. Now, if they consistently yell, intimidate, belittle you, and shut you down, that's a pattern of emotional abuse that matters. Conflict itself just says we're both fighting for something we value, right? If we disagree about something, it's because we both value something. Maybe it's differing values, and that is not emotional abuse. Abuse says I want to control the outcome and I want to control you. And I'm okay if I hurt you in the process. See the difference? Next, insensitivity or cluelessness does not equal abuse. Now, this is a hard one because wives will email me all the time and ask me 2 things, actually. If they have a husband that seems insensitive or clueless, they ask me 2 things. Number one, is it emotional abuse? And then they'll also say, is this like Asperger's or autism or something like that? Sometimes it's just the reality of who people are. Unfortunately, not everyone is emotionally attuned, and some people truly lack empathy skills, or they were never taught healthy ways of relating. And that doesn't excuse the behavior. That's important. Just because someone hasn't learned doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does change the category. It changes the category from maybe not willing to learn. Hasn't learned yet instead of emotional abuse. And once again, that's something that needs to be addressed in a relationship, but it doesn't mean it's emotional abuse. So if someone forgets your birthday, if they ignore your emotional needs, or they struggle to communicate, it's painful and it does damage your relationship, but if they're willing to grow, it's not necessarily abusive. Remember, abuse doesn't just ignore your needs, it punishes you for having them. And it doesn't want to grow. Now the next one, triggering. Triggering does not equal abuse. Now this one's hard because when you've experienced trauma or emotional wounds, someone's behavior might feel like abuse, even if it's not. And that doesn't mean that your pain is not valid. It is, but you have to recognize, is my pain coming from something from the past or is it coming from what's happening right here in this moment? And I think a lot of people, especially when they have a lot of trauma in their history, they confuse the two. And so if they feel triggered, they automatically assume someone is abusing me. And that is not the case. That is your issue that you've got to work on. Now, in a healthy relationship, we're going to come to our partner and we're going to say, that's a trigger for me. When you do that, it makes me feel this, but you own it, that it's my trigger. Maybe you can tell them what it's based on, but it's not accusing them of abusing you. It's wanting to help them understand you better so that they can be aware of how you perceive some of their actions. So we do need to differentiate triggering from abuse. So if your partner says something blunt and you spiral into shame, it's important to ask yourself, was that truly harmful or did it poke an old wound that's still healing or maybe hasn't healed at all? Both of those deserve attention, but only one of them involves responsibility on the other person's part. Last, imperfection does not equal abuse. People in our lives are not gonna always show up the way we want them to show up, the way we hope they would show up, the way we expect them to show up. And that doesn't mean they're abusing us. We're all human. We snap sometimes. We say the wrong thing. Even the most loving partners will hurt each other occasionally, unfortunately. And I hate that it's the truth. But we cannot be in close relationship with someone without hurting them in some way, shape, or form. One, because of our own deficits as humans, and then 2, because we don't know every single thing about our partner and our person, and sometimes we trigger them and hurt them unnecessarily, or I should say unintentionally. And so our imperfection or our partner's imperfection does not equal abuse. Unfortunately, it's part of being in a relationship with real messy humans. Is it worth it? 100%. Do we have to recognize that that is an inevitable part of being in a relationship? Yes. But in a healthy one, we trust that our partner will never intentionally hurt us. So the difference: in healthy relationships, there's repair, there's ownership, there's apology, a true apology. There's a willingness to see, understand, and change. And emotional abuse, there's denial, there's blame, there's a lack of care, and there's a cycle that never resolves. It only resets. And sometimes what's even worse is when you have bared yourself, when you have become vulnerable with your partner and told them something that hurts you, in an emotionally abusive relationship, they'll use that against you. They will weaponize your pain because you've just told them how to hurt you the most. So why does all this matter? Because if you mislabel something that is actually emotional abuse as, this is just normal conflict, then you're going to stay stuck in a damaging relationship. But also, if you mislabel every hard moment as abuse, you might find yourself walking away from relationships that could actually heal and grow. You'll find yourself putting up walls in relationship when you should be pulling them down. You'll find yourself avoiding emotional intimacy when it's there for the taking. If you can walk through the fear of disagreements, conflicts, and imperfections in your partner. Both mistakes are born of shame and codependency often, because when you don't trust your sense of self or your own right to be treated well, it's hard to discern what's real. So here's the question that I wanna leave you with today. I'm sure you're thinking about your relationship. So as you're thinking about your relationship, I want you to ask yourself, does this relationship consistently make you feel small, confused, or unworthy? And does the other person take responsibility for how they impact you, or do they twist the truth to protect themselves? You deserve clarity. You deserve safety. And most of all, you deserve love that doesn't require you to abandon or betray yourself. So my dear friend, if this episode, anything that I said in this episode stirred something in you, I encourage you to explore my free guide, Steps to Healing from Complex Shame. The link is in the show notes, and that's a beautiful place to begin to understand how your shame might be affecting your ability to show up in a relationship and even decipher between emotional abuse and just normal conflict. As always, thank you for showing up for yourself in the difficult If you are a writer, I'm having a writing retreat June 12th and 13th. I would love to see you there in North Carolina. It will be 2 days of glorious writing in a community with other writers. I will be there to share some inspiration and to connect with you in your writing journey and help you go deeper in your writing and get some words done. We're running a Mother's Day sale, only $97. Click the link in the show notes to register and get more information. Until next time, stay strong, my friend.