Making Joint Decisions in Your Relationship When You’d Rather Not

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here. I am doing this recording super early in the morning, so my voice sounds that way. No, I'm not sick. It's just my morning voice. Today's topic is how to make joint decisions when you'd rather not. But first up, my win and my fail. I'm going to start with my fail first and finish with a beautiful win. My son, who's a senior in high school and is on a film crew, was scouting locations to film some project they were doing. And he asked me if he could use my office or at least scout, like go check out my office to see if that would work for their location. So of course I said fine. And I gave him the keys. He knows the code to get into my office. And about 10 minutes later, I get a call from him and I hear the alarm going off. It's blaring. And he said, Mom, the door in the lobby is closed. And I had forgotten that my cleaners had come the day before and they always lock this door that I never lock. And I don't have on my key ring, but I have it on my other key ring. And I gave him the one without the key to the lobby. And I knew I was doing it, but I thought it doesn't matter 'cause that door's never locked. And so I said, oh, okay, I'm gonna run down. I'll, um, I'll bring the other keys. In the middle of that, the alarm company calls me, and somehow I managed to hang up on them twice. I wasn't nervous. I was just pressing the wrong keys, and I hung up on them twice. And it's an 800 number, and I tried calling it back, and it went somewhere weird. And so I'm driving, kind of getting worried because my You know, almost 18-year-old Black son is sitting in the middle of my lobby. And the police are probably getting dispatched there. And I'm just worried about what might happen if they show up and he's sitting there looking like he's broken into somebody's office. And I don't have any pictures of myself in the office. Just, you know, becoming a mom, worried for my son and knowing how things can go down sometimes. And so You know, I'm rushing there, but I got there before the police showed up and opened everything up, cut the alarm off. All was good. My fail was that I probably should have just given him the keys with all of the keys on it and gone upstairs and gotten the additional key ring instead of just thinking it would be fine and not preparing him. So it was a fail, but it all turned out okay. Next time, dot my i's, cross my t's, give him everything he could possibly need. My win is that it's Advent, and I'm reading a book I read last year called Shadow and Light by Tish Oxenreider. And it's a really wonderful Advent book because it just takes every day of Advent and gives you just a little story and a little encouragement and just a little reminder to help you get deeper into the Christmas season and what Christmas is all about. So Get the book if you celebrate Advent, if you celebrate Christmas. It's quick, it's a quick read, and it really just sets the tone for your holidays. Okay, onto the topic: how to make joint decisions when it's really hard and you'd rather not. Decisions are tough to make when you're a single person, and they're doubly tough when you're a couple. And toss in a little conflict and they can feel downright impossible. And it's no surprise that you don't agree with your partner. If you subscribe to the idea that we marry our opposite, it's actually a little more complicated than that. I talked about it in one of the episodes about Imago theory, but let's just say we marry our opposite. Then it makes sense that each of you will see things differently, and that makes it harder to make joint decisions. So what's a girl to do when there's a decision to make and you've got to make it jointly, but you'd rather not because maybe it never goes well? And don't worry, I'm not going to tell you that you just need to be open to his point of view, which you do. And I'm not going to tell you to just compromise, which you also need to do. All of that's really easy to say, and I get that, but it's a whole different thing when maybe you feel he's completely wrong and vice versa, right? He thinks that about you. So I'll tell you how to do these hard things and hopefully come to a decision. Here are 8 tips for making joint decisions when it's tough. First, ask yourself, is this decision irrevocable and will it matter in a year? This one is really important because it determines how strongly you need to stand your ground. Basically, what exactly are the stakes here? It's irrevocable if the decision is to have another child, right? But if it's about which family you should spend the holidays with, that's a whole different level and it requires a different commitment to getting it as right as possible. So as you think about this decision, you also need to understand the difference between a decision and a choice. They might sound like the same words, but they are not. A decision implies that you have the right answer. A decision often is more longstanding. It's more solid. It's more black and white, and maybe it has longer repercussions. Sometimes you feel clear about decisions, and that's great, but other times it might feel scary to say decision because you might not feel 100%. And sometimes we do still have to make them. A choice says, I've chosen this option. There's flexibility and you're moving and you can possibly get out of it, or you can change it next time. Like the family, like which family you spend the holidays with. You don't have to be 100% sure, but you're not staying stuck or paralyzed in indecision when you make a choice. There's more brain space for growth and movement, and it feels less anxiety-provoking. So as you two are trying to process decisions together, ask yourself if you need to make a decision or a choice. Number 2, each of you needs to state clearly what options are off the table. So the only things that should be off the table are those like over my dead body kind of things. If that's your initial reaction, like this is over my dead body, those are your options that are off the table. Everything else should be on the table, and that will help you guys at least know where the parameters are. Number 3, be honest about your motivation. So let's be honest, sometimes we're not honest. If you don't wanna have another child and your husband does, don't say it's because you're concerned about finances when it's really that you're stretched to the brim and you can't possibly imagine adding another child to the mix. Maybe you feel like if you blame it on your finances, then it'll make you look better, or it'll be better received by your spouse. But what it really does is just get you two off track, and then you're going down a rabbit hole, and he might be trying to solve the problem that doesn't really exist for you. And this gets you nowhere fast, because if he feels he's resolved it and you're still digging your heels in, then you both feel completely disconnected, and you are actually moving away from intimacy, and you're damaging your communication. Besides that, You feel completely not understood because he can't understand you when you're not being honest, and you're still not getting to a decision. And that can become a stronghold in your relationship. So don't do that. Be honest. Just say the thing and let the chips lie, and then at least you guys are dealing with what's real and not what you guys are making up. Number 4, Pray and meditate on it. Give yourself time and don't make any decisions quickly if you don't have to. You guys can pray and meditate together if your relationship has space for it. Not all relationships do. So if not, do this separately or do this on your own if you don't feel he'll participate. Number 5, this isn't necessarily about one particular decision, but in the course of your marriage or your relationship, give yourselves autonomy to make unilateral decisions in areas that you each don't care about. When you have space to make decisions in areas that the other person doesn't care about, it makes it easier to come together to make joint decisions when you know you have that space elsewhere in your relationship. And this is huge. You don't have to make every single decision together. Maybe you thought you did, but you don't. Only the ones that are important to both of you, those are the ones that you have to make together. But giving yourself arenas to make your own decisions builds trust, and it provides healthy space and a sense of compromise in a relationship. There are certain areas of our home and our lives that I care nothing about except that they are taken care of. And so my husband doesn't need to consult me to make a decision about those areas. I trust him completely, and I don't care enough about whatever he does. So I just need to be informed about the decision, not consulted. But this is not the case with other areas, and vice versa. And we are super clear on which areas these are, and we move accordingly. And that helps. Number 6, ask for a quick gut check before you even start on decision-making. Often our first response is the best response. And what happens is it, it ends up getting warped and blurred the more we engage with it. We start second-guessing ourselves and we bring all these other extraneous things in. So first, write down your gut responses and do your best to respect intuitions. If I say to my husband, I have a gut feeling about this. I expect him to give me more weight than if I just say, I just want to do this. So pay attention to that. That matters. Number 7, don't strong-arm it. I know it may be tempting and it may even get you to a decision faster, but manipulation and force do not wear well on a long-term relationship over time. These tactics will erode and undermine the beautiful foundation of your relationship. So it's not worth it. Don't do it. Time to work through the decision together, even if it feels torturous. And number 8, if he is strong-arming you or making a unilateral decision without you, clearly say, I am not in agreement. I can't endorse this decision. Make your stance clear, and if he bulldozes ahead and it doesn't work out, No I told you so's. Believe me, he remembers your lack of endorsement. You said it beforehand. And if you hold in your I told you so, you strengthen your relationship and you build trust in him for your next big decision. And you might find out he's the one seeking your advice for the decision. Yes, sometimes it doesn't go well. Sometimes our spouses do what they want and don't consult us. Sometimes we can't agree. And it's frustrating. Relationship and decision-making is a long journey. It's not a short journey. And so we have to, as we make our choices, as we decide what our responses will be, we have to always take in consideration the long game. And at the end, sometimes you just have to say, I trust us. Now that's a powerful statement. I trust us. Remind yourself of the choices you've made as a couple over time that you've been together, and you've probably made at least a few good ones. Even more important is to remind yourself of how you've made even not-so-great choices work and you've come out okay. I know a lot of you may not believe this, and you may feel terrified to say this to yourself, I trust us. Maybe deep down you don't trust your spouse. Maybe deep down you don't trust yourself. Maybe your little mind gremlin reminds you of all of his shortcomings and all of your shortcomings. Tell her where she can go and remind yourself every day, I trust me. I trust us. And you don't have to believe this to say it. Your mind believes what you tell it, and eventually it creates the reality. You're not trusting yourself to always be right because no one is. So that's not going to happen. And that's okay. You're trusting yourself to make the best choice you can in each given moment. And you're trusting yourself to make the best of those choices that you can do, my friend. And I'm going to close today with a quote from Tony Robbins. And these are words that need to be said in your relationship and, and to yourself. I respect your decisions. I am trustworthy with my decisions, and I communicate through our decisions. Decision-making is tough, whether you're coupled or whether you're single. And the long-term goal isn't to make a perfect decision. The long-term goal is to make your decisions work for you. You've got this, my friend. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go out on Tuesdays. Subscribe, follow, Share, leave a review, and have a strong week.