Making Peace With Uncertainty in Your Relationship

How to deal with uncertainty in your relationship. I remember being a 19-year-old newlywed, and I was very young when I got married. My husband is significantly older than I am, but he had a close friend in her 40s, and she was divorcing her husband after 20 years of marriage. And I remember thinking, how could someone divorce after 2 decades of marriage? And I immediately thought, what does that mean for me? What does that mean for my marriage? Could I be married to this man for 2 decades and still not have the certainty of our relationship? And that threw me for a loop because I was hoping that marriage would provide me with that certainty, with that peace that I wanted. And of course it did not. Why? Because I had brought myself into our marriage. That's what we all do. And what you bring into your marriage with you is what you'll continue to have. No amount of years will fix this. Only you can. So if you're struggling with uncertainty, if you're longing for clarity and a fix-it, I'll sit with you and your uncertainty for our time together today. If you're feeling a little uncertain about the health of or the possible longevity of your relationship, this is the episode for you. It's okay if you don't possess certainty for tomorrow. actually not really needed. You can still have peace today with uncertainty about tomorrow, and I'll tell you how. So first, how does unchecked uncertainty affect us? A state of ambiguity feels like a threat to our system. We strive for certainty as humans because it feels safe, but it's actually an illusion. Humans have a complicated relationship with uncertainty. Basically, we like excitement. We like the excitement of uncertainty when it's not directly affecting us emotionally. We love watching a thriller or a mystery because we have the knowledge that it's all going to end well. And we can't have that knowledge when we're in the midst of our own personal uncertainty, right? In real life, any questions that we ask of our brain that are left unanswered cause stress. And then that stress gets housed in our body. And that's one of the reasons why being in a difficult or an unhealthy relationship actually increases your risk of having an illness or a disease. When my 19-year-old self asked that question about my marriage and no answer could be provided, I felt stress. When we ask a question and it's answered, then we feel relief. See, the reason why we go on the roller coaster at the amusement park or we watch that thriller is not just for the excitement, but for the feeling of relief that we experience when it's all over and knowing that that's going to happen. It's because we know No, it's safe. The journey's already set from beginning to end, but it's a closed loop. Closed loops feel good. Open loops that happen in real life are terrifying and they're stressful. There was some research done at UCL that was funded by the MRC, and they found that humans dislike uncertainty so much that if we have to choose between a scenario in which we know we'll be shocked, like electric shocks, versus a situation in which the shock will only occur randomly, We'll select the more painful option of certain shocks because we know. Now, I'm a risk-taker, so I'm a little more tolerant of uncertainty than most. So I don't know if that applies to me, but I know that I felt stressed at the thought of the uncertainty of my marriage, possibly for decades to come. When there's uncertainty, we tend to react, but not in a rational way. John Jennings reminded us of all this when during the lockdown-at-home order, people rushed out, right, and cleared the stores of paper towels because of the uncertainty of lockdown. Even then, but certainly in retrospect, we can see the ridiculousness of this action. They should have been going to the library and stocking up on great books, or getting a haircut, or hitting the movie theater one last time. But instead, they took the action to assuage some fear, but lack of paper towels wasn't the problem, was it? They created a brand new problem, but that was never the issue. And if you're feeling uncertain, be careful not to take unnecessary action, which will sometimes make a situation worse. For example, reacting by becoming overly needy, which I did. That only creates a reaction in our partner which pushes you away. You may be looking for cognitive closure, but what you really need is to sit with the discomfort, to trust your ability to take on the unknown, to reassure yourself that your greatest fears rarely happen. Instead, when you're feeling uncertain, focus on what you can control, and it's not other people. You can decide what you will or you won't do in case that, that thing that happens or doesn't happen, and then remind yourself that you're going to be okay. Make a plan B. If you find that you're preoccupied with worry about what's going to happen, go ahead and work out a plan B in your head so that you can get back to being in the present. Because remember, worry is always about the future. So go ahead, ask and answer the difficult questions. What if my husband makes a decision to take this job that's 3,000 miles away that he was just offered, and I don't want to quit my job here? Well, this isn't ideal, but you can figure out how you can work it out to the best of your ability. You could ask your job to telework. He could ask his job to telework. You could figure out how to maintain a bicoastal relationship for a season. You can figure it out. You will figure it out. But what if he dies, or what if we grow apart, or he decides he doesn't want to be married to me anymore? What if I push people away who love me? Then what? These are questions you may be asking yourself that can feel very scary to answer. But go ahead, venture in and answer them. It's not the answering that's the most scary; it's the not answering. You'll be okay, and you'll figure it out. And then you can. Steal back your present from the future by dealing with it and staying present. When you stop the catastrophic stories by providing possible solutions, you reduce stress that's caused by unanswered questions. Focus on all the good that exists here in your world and make sure that you're de-stressing every day through exercise, yoga, meditation, or journaling, deep breathing, and reminding yourself that you are safe and loved. Sometimes the uncertainty is due to a power balance in the relationship. You're waiting on the other person to decide if they're really in this or not, or if they want to continue the relationship or not. The partner who's not certain about the relationship is getting exactly what they want. They have you still on their terms, but they aren't required to provide the reciprocity or security in this relationship. This kind of uncertainty can feel extremely overwhelming. The entire trajectory of your life is hanging in the balance. So here's what I have to say about that: you still get to make a decision. If you're in the waiting phase and you feel the relationship deems this effort, you make a decision that the relationship is over and figure out how to move forward with your life. I didn't say it was easy, but it breaks you from uncertainty. If your partner comes back and says, I made up my mind, I want to work on it, or I want to be— Committed to this relationship. Well, then you have a decision to make. You have some concrete decisions to make. But waiting to see if someone is accepting or rejecting you is not the space you want to be in. When you just accept that the relationship is over and you begin to move forward in a healthy way, albeit painful way, you still win. So how exactly do you do this? Do you immediately move out and start divorce proceedings? Well, no, not necessarily. All divorces are internal states. The possessions and the separation and the paper signing is not the actual divorce. It's not the emotional divorce. The emotional divorce happens in your mind and your heart, and sometimes it never does. So you start by your mindset, by what you tell yourself, by how you allow yourself to interact with the partner who is deciding if they want this relationship. Now if your uncertainty is caused because deep down you don't feel like your partner knows the real you, if you don't feel comfortable sharing your insides, or if you feel like you have to hide a part of yourself from your partner, this will leave you feeling uncertain about the relationship. If this is the case, then there's some actions that you can take. It involves speaking the truth. You'll find out that when you say, oh hey, you know the way you always order for me when we go out on a date? don't like that. And then when you speak the deeper truths, like, I haven't felt comfortable telling you that because... although this might create an emotional reaction in your partner, it's real and it can be dealt with. And allowing your partner to know you deeply creates certainty and freedom at the same time in your relationship. It's okay to say, I'm going to take a step back and give you some space to make your decisions. As you begin to take the internal act of moving away, it'll shift something in a healthier direction for you. Last, here is when uncertainty can be a red flag in relationships. 1. If you find yourself making excuses for your partner to such an extent that you're too embarrassed to tell even your closest friends some of the things that your partner does, that's a red flag. If you feel the need to significantly bend or change yourself in order to keep your partner, also a red flag. If you distract yourself with busyness and hobbies and avoid being in the relationship, years can go by that way. Or if you fantasize often about not being with your partner anymore, also a red flag. If you recognize any of these in yourself, it's time to get some professional help to develop some clarity for yourself. Here's what I know: change is certain, and although you never know what tomorrow will bring, You can rest assured that there is a God who is in control, that you have developed skills over time to survive, and that you can choose to switch your lens from dread to the excitement of the next chapter of your life as you walk through the daily pace, sometimes waiting and sometimes making decisions about what happens ahead. Thank you for watching Stronger in the Broken Places. Remember, We're not fixing them, we're fixing you, and that changes everything.