Planning For The New Year When Last Year Didn’t Go As Planned

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here. Today's topic is planning for the new year when your year, when 2022, didn't go as planned. So first up, my win and my fail. What's going on around here? Well, my fail is that It's not really a fail, it's just a bummer, is that my son wasn't able to be with us for all of our Christmas break. He didn't really show up till Christmas Eve, not because he was sick, not because of COVID although I know so many people were affected by COVID and so many people recently were affected by all of the 2,000 airline cancellations, and my heart goes out to people who weren't able to be with their family on Christmas. But my son's dogs got fleas. Ah, yes. So he was getting ready to come a few days before Christmas. He called me. He's like, bad news, my dogs have fleas, because he always brings his dogs to our house and we have dogs. And I didn't, you know, I didn't want him bringing his dogs to our house if his dogs had fleas. Long story. It took a couple of days. He, you know, took care of it, got his dogs completely taken care of and flea-free. We still don't quite know where he got them from. We think maybe a neighbor's backyard or something where he lives. That's taken care of, but he wasn't able to show up until Christmas Eve. Not late. We saw him early in the day, so it was fine. And we got to spend Christmas Eve with my best friend Rosie. We had gumbo. I had gumbo for the first time, you guys. Gumbo. And it was really good. I can't believe I haven't had gumbo ever, but I just didn't grow up in a family that ate gumbo. So one of those things. It was wonderful. So the fail, really a disappointment, is that we didn't get to see him as early as we wanted to for Christmas, but he was here by Christmas Eve. Christmas was beautiful and wonderful. And of course, my youngest son Sage flew in a while ago. I think I talked about that already. So my win is that we're going to Yosemite for a couple of days, just as a family, just us. We're leaving in the morning. I got a cabin, and I'm embarrassed to say I've never had gumbo, and we— I've also never been to Yosemite. Even though we live just a couple of hours away. We're going in the middle of winter, so I have no idea what we're going to see or where we'll even be able to go, but the idea honestly of my family cooped up in a cabin in the snowy woods for a few days with limited Wi-Fi makes me very happy. I just broke the whole limited Wi-Fi thing to the family last night, and they seem to take it well, so we'll see how that goes, but I'm excited. I bought a ton of games. We're bringing food, movies, and books. What else could we possibly need? I'll give you an update. Onto the topic, planning for the new year when your last year didn't go as planned. In every way, shape, and form, 2022 did not go as planned for me. I started the year excited, if you remember, if you've been listening, because I had just signed with a new agent. We were about to send my book to publishers. I figured I'd be signed mid-year at the latest and would be spending the rest of the year with my editor getting the book ready for publication. My son was applying to schools, and I imagined he'd go somewhere on the West Coast like his brother did. My family was happy and healthy. 2022 was a slow burn. No huge devastating blows, although my husband did have a very scary medical event that happened, but just some constant small punches that added up. After months of frustration, I slowly realized my agent and I were not aligned. It took me another couple of months to really finally let her go and do what I knew I needed to do. And with it, my dream of publication by the end of the year really started to fade into nothing. If I hadn't let her go, I would have just been prolonging the inevitable. So it's good that I did that. A speaking engagement I was looking forward to got canceled. My son chose a school as far away from us as he could possibly get and still be on this continent. He went to Rhode Island School of Design, an excellent school, but we live in California. My mother got married. I was happy for her, but not for me. My life slowly shifted and none of it was planned. My word of the year in 2022 was publish. So you can say that I failed. I certainly didn't reach my goal, but as we lay out our goals, we plan what we think is best from our viewpoint at that time. But what do we really know as humans, right? We can't see the big picture. We do the best and God does the rest. As a result of not getting what I wanted and what I worked really hard for, I can now see on the other side that my book is going to be the better for it. Guys, I have been working on this book for 5 years. And also, I think the gift is that I've now released any expectations for the outcome of this book, but I know deep in my soul That it will be traditionally published, just not in my timing. And I don't really need it to happen anymore, which is odd because I know it's going to. I recently signed with a new agent and I'm excited about subbing in January, but guess what? Published will not be my word of the year for 2023. It's a part of my focus, but it's not my only focus. I think this journey has allowed me to, to come back and see a little bit more of the big picture. It's allowed me to reorder some of my priorities, and I'm going to share my word of the year in next week's episode in January. I'm excited to do that. And also, I have some exciting offerings for you guys if you share your word of the year with me. Listen to the end, and I'll give you that information. But for today, I want to help you focus on yourself as we move into the new year. If you've had yet another trip around the sun and 2022 has not been what you hoped and dreamed, if you didn't reach your goals, or if life-crushing events happened that took you down this year, I'm I'm hoping that you can focus on hope for these next few minutes that we spend together. To be honest, just a few weeks ago when I was reflecting with my therapist, I told him that this is the first new year that I am not looking forward to. I have some difficult personal things that I know I'm going to have to face in 2023, and I anticipate that it's going to be a year of growth. I'll be rewriting my book with an editor, and I know that's going to be hard. I have to pivot in my business, which is great. But it'll be a steep learning curve, also hard. But as I sat with that reality and I began to reflect, the slow burn of anticipation and a little spark of joy and hope began to grow for this new year. And I'm hoping I can spread some of it to you. I know many people don't make resolutions or goals for 2022. And I've shared before that I also don't make resolutions. Resolutions for me feel like a list of things that I will never do again. Or things I hate, but I have to do from now on. No, thank you. Goals feel different though. Goals are something that I'm striving towards, and I can bend and shift the way I do that as I go along. There's a freedom in goals. You also know that I choose a word every year, and I encourage you to do the same. Pick a word that encompasses how you would like to feel throughout the year, what you would like to focus on throughout the year, or who you want to be throughout this year. But don't stop there. Use that word to formulate some goals that point to that word all year long. For example, let's say my word of the year is calm, which it is not. I'm going to share mine next week, but let's just use that word as an example. Then you should make 5 goals that point you towards that word. Goal number 1 should be financial. Goal number 2 should be relational. Goal number 3 should be personal. Goal number 4 should be spiritual. And goal number 5 should be physical. So if your word is calm, your financial goal may be to increase your rates if you're an entrepreneur, or to ask for a raise, or cancel unnecessary subscriptions, and set aside the additional amount every month to put towards a massage or something that de-stresses you, maybe something you're planning for in the future. Your relational goal may be to have the hard conversations with someone that you love, maybe to start conjoint therapy so that you can experience more calm in your relationship. Or maybe it's to clear out the people in your life who disrupt your calm. Your personal goal may be to focus on your self-talk, to implement affirmations or meditation, journaling, or activities that increase calm in your psyche. Maybe learning breathing techniques to create more calm in your body. Your spiritual goal may be to join a small group at your church or read more faith-related books, increase your prayer time. Your physical goal may be to go to yoga 2 times per week or participate in some other physical activity that increases calm in your nervous system. Every goal that you create should point back to your word of the year, and all behavior or changes that you make should point back to your word of the year. What I know is that planning increases the chance of you accomplishing the things that you want to in your life. It's been proven time and time again. So no, I didn't fulfill my 2022 goal, but everything I was doing in 2022 was pushing me towards that goal. And although I ran out of time, it took longer than expected. I would not be signing a publishing deal in 2023 if my focus word in 2022 was not publish. None of us know what 2023 holds. We are collectively at the mercy of God and other forces that we don't understand. There's nothing special about January 1st. Except that it is a collective day when we all are starting something new. Just like Monday is a great day to start a new thing because of the way that the cycle of our days and our lives work, there's energy in the collective. And because goals are so crucial to accomplish in your life, why not ride the wave of new energy and plan, hope, dream, and take action? It's important to do anyway, so why not start in January? So for the woman who feels a bit beaten down by 2022, can I help dust you off, shine you up, and get you back in the saddle? Hope is free. It's not a precursor to disappointment as a lot of people fear. I hear a lot of clients will tell me, well, I don't want to hope. I don't want to plan. I don't want to expect because I don't want to be disappointed. But without risk, we lose the joy of unexpected gifts. We lose the joy of accomplishment. We lose the joy of hard work yielding fruit. Let's stare disappointment in the face and take some risks because we convince ourselves that if we don't hope, if we don't plan, if we don't dream, that we won't be disappointed. But I have yet to see that actually happen in reality. People are still disappointed even when they try to not hope, dream, or expect because I think that it's just a human condition that we look forward to and that we hope. And so don't sabotage yourself by, by not Creating goals. Don't sabotage yourself by not hoping. Go ahead, make them. You are more likely to get what you want when you do that. And when all hope is lost, remember that God does transform seemingly hopeless circumstances. Here are some things that I'm looking forward to in the new year: sleeping in on Saturdays, cuddles on the couch with my girls, My boy is coming home to visit. Late nights working on my writing. Precious time spent with friends. Using a bowl instead of a plate. I don't know why, but that just popped into my head and somehow that sounds fun. Walking barefoot in the grass in the summer. Making a new friend. Learning a new skill. Teaching a new skill. Saving a life through my work. Reading a book I don't want to put down, visiting friends and family. That's not an exhaustive list. 2023 is a book yet to be opened, a chapter yet to be experienced, and I know that there will also be loss and grief and frustration, and that's what makes the world go round, but there was so much still to look forward to. 12 months of unwritten chapters. As you look forward to 2023, I pray that you look forward with hope, my friend. I would like to invite you to share your word of the year with me, and I would love to play your voice on my podcast as I have done for the past couple of years. For the first 10 people who call in with your words of the year, I will send you a bracelet by the company My Intent with your word of the year pressed into it. Please leave a voice message at 661-544-4088. Once again, that number is 661-544-4088. 4088 with your name, word of the year, and a short sentence, if you would like, you don't have to, regarding why you chose that word. If you're among the first 10, I will text you to request your address to send the bracelet to. Happy New Year! Tune in next week. I will be sharing my word of the year and goals for 2023. Stay strong, my friend. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go out on Tuesdays. Subscribe to my email list so you don't miss an episode. And have a strong week.