Setting An Intention For Your Relationship This Year

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So today we are talking about setting an intention for your relationships this year. Even as I shift the focus of my content of this podcast, it will always be about you and redefining your Superwoman. And that includes honoring your wins and honoring your fails. And so I'm going to continue to share my wins and my fails. And I have to say, I am so excited to move forward in 2020. My vision is strong, and I feel like a woman on a mission. So for my win, my first decision of 2020 was a no. I listened to my intuition and I said no to a colleague who was offering me an opportunity. And I had butterflies in my stomach as I hit the send button, letting her know that I wasn't going to participate because I had all of the FOMO and, you know, the what-ifs, but deep down I knew it just wasn't the right direction for me. And I am so very proud that I was able to just be quiet and listen to my intuition and make a decision based on that. So what do you need to say no to that scares you? Consider doing it scared. So for my fail, I have to say that kind of a win is that I had to rack my brain for a fail. Now, not because I don't have them, I do regularly. We all do. And maybe I just haven't really been keeping track over this holiday season. And I'm recording this episode on January 4th, and our Christmas decorations are still up. So that is definitely a fail. I usually try to get them down by January 1st. I will. So it's not a huge fail because actually it just indicates I've been spending a lot of great time with my family. Instead of taking care of chores. You know, we are all so excited for the holidays to come and all of the decorating and the excitement that goes with it, and yet when it's time to take it all down, we all pretty much dread it. It's amazing how the beginnings are so much different from the endings, and we don't often honor our endings at all. But every ending is a beginning of something else, and maybe if we can look forward in excitement when we end things at what the possible beginnings are, we'll be able to move through endings a little easier. So onto the topic, setting an intention for your relationship this year. Now, most people set goals or resolutions every year. Some people don't. And you, but usually those goals or resolutions are personal. Not as many people set an intention or goal specifically about their relationships. But whether you're in a difficult relationship, whether you're in a great relationship, or maybe you're just in a great relationship in a difficult spot, every relationship can benefit from some intention. But if you are in a difficult spot, setting an intention for your relationship right now might be the very last thing you want to do. But if you've decided to stay with your partner, it's so important that you make it the best that you can. There is nothing honorable about staying in an unhealthy relationship and making each other miserable. So listen up. You can actually do intentions as a couple or by yourself. And let me tell you why. Because changing any part of a system changes the whole system. And of course, FYI, your relationship is a system. So the truth is that you can affect change even when the other partner isn't making an effort. It's really just the simple physics of relationships. If you change, he will in response. Now, does this give you ultra powers to change him into everything you've ever wanted? No. I wish I had those powers. We all wish we had those powers. No, he can only change to the extent of his own limits, but change will occur if you change, I promise. Now, part of the benefit of taking the time to reflect is that it can give you an opportunity to examine what's gone right. And what's gone wrong in the previous year in your relationship, and what part you had in it. Now remember, stop trying to figure out his part. That's his job. You stay in your lane and you focus on what you can do, because you can't control anyone else. So what exactly is an intention, and how is it different from goals or resolutions? I first heard of setting an intention when I took my very first yoga class, and I was a little annoyed at the word, to be honest with you. I was kind of intimidated already to start a yoga practice because it was all so new to me, and this This woman, this yoga instructor, kept talking about setting an intention for your day, as if everyone knew what that was. And I was like, what the heck does that even mean? I was annoyed because I felt I'd already failed before we even started the actual yoga class because I didn't know how to set an intention for my day. Now the reality is, I often set an intention for my day, but I just didn't call it that. So many people just let the days pass and they hope that things will get better in their relationships, or maybe they will have a goal of arguing less, or helping more with the chores, or letting more things slide. But those are very vague goals, and they're difficult to attain, and you quickly set back into old habits because there's no intention attached to how to get there. Instead of resolving to understand your partner better, maybe resolve to read a chapter of a book about relationships and discuss it with him. See how that is a behavior and that's intention rather than just a general Let's get along better or understand him better. And this may go without saying, but an intention is a positive declaration of a behavior that you want to have. It must be positive. So it works best when it doesn't declare what you shouldn't do or you don't want. So it shouldn't be an intention of arguing less, as I talked about before, some people might have that goal. You have to ask yourself, what's the behavior that you're intending to do? It should be an intention of focusing on your partner's point of view or choosing to practice releasing your need to be right, not not arguing as much. So be intentional this year about your behavior towards improving your relationship, because anything left to its own will naturally decompose, including your relationship. So if you'd like to set unique intentions for your relationship, St. Rossi, a licensed therapist, suggested asking these questions. How do I want to feel in my relationship with my partner? What specific things can I do to feel more that way? How do I want to make my partner feel in our relationship? What specific actions can I take to help my partner feel that way? What do we want our relationship to look like in the next year? And what can I do specifically to create this life? And Dr. Cathy Nickerson, Love Champion, also added these questions that you could consider when you're setting an intention. So this is as you're thinking about what intentions you want to set. When was the best time in our relationship? And what was I doing for my spouse then? And what was he doing? What would make me feel safer, more loved, and more important? What can I do to be more helpful, more positive, and more optimistic? What's a goal that's positive and important to both of us? Now, sometimes setting an intention can be scary. Why? Because you desire so much to have this relationship, this idea, this dream of a relationship in your head, and you fear that by setting that, speaking that, putting that goal out there and not attaining it, that sometimes that pain is just a little too much to bear. What I can tell you is based on that old adage that, you know, the whole reaching for the stars thing. If you reach for the stars or reach for the moon, I don't remember how it goes, but basically it's better to come close than to not even try at all. And yes, it hurts when we don't attain our goals, but what you'll find is that there is so much power in writing them down, and you will get so much further. So my friend, set aside some time and focus for a few minutes on what you want to manifest in your relationship this next year. Write it down and share it with your partner. Then take the next smallest intentional step towards that behavior. That's setting an intention and walking it out. You've got this. I hope this first brief episode of the new year was helpful to you. If it was, please share it with a friend and connect with me. I love to hear from you. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and I will be talking in the weeks coming up about dealing with relationship insecurity, how you can change an unhealthy relationship, why strong women stay in bad relationships, and why you may actually be the difficult one. And also my favorite, why it's the things we don't say that get us in the most trouble in relationships. I look forward to connecting with you on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of the Dr. Zoe Show.