In this solo episode of Stronger in the Difficult Places, Dr. Zoe Shaw reflects on her 2023 divorce and uses the experience to frame a hopeful, intentional approach to 2024. She introduces the "word of the year" practice, sharing her own word—"routine"—and explains how to translate a single guiding word into five concrete goal areas (financial, relational, personal, spiritual, physical). She then extends the concept to relationships, urging listeners to choose a separate word for their partnership and to assess the health of their marriage through a joint stock‑take. Dr. Shaw recommends practical structures: weekly date nights focused solely on intimacy, and weekly "business meetings" to discuss finances, family logistics, and shared goals. Throughout, she weaves psychology, Christian faith, and a feminist perspective, emphasizing self‑care as the foundation for caring for others. The episode balances realistic acknowledgment of potential loss and grief in the coming year with an optimistic call to hope, intentional planning, and the collective energy of a new calendar year.
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This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad that you're here today. Today's topic is setting your relationship up for success in 2024. For those of you that have been following my podcast, you know that I had a divorce in 2023, and as a result, my life has changed. We all got through 2023, probably a little trail-weary, but we all got through, and it's good. But change is still change. I'm not sad to see 2023 go away into the past, but I still value the lessons learned and the strength that I gained in 2023, and I hope that you can say the same thing about this past year as well, no matter what it held for you. Now, before I dive into the topic of setting your relationship up for success in 2024, and in lieu of my win and fail this week, I want to share my word of the year, and I want to encourage you to create your own one as well. If you have had yet another trip around the sun and 2023 has not been what you hoped and dreamed for, if you didn't reach your goals, or if life-crushing events happened that took you down this year, I'm hoping to spread some hope, To you for these next few minutes that we spend together. I hope that you can start to experience the slow burn of anticipation and maybe even a little spark of hope for this next year. I personally don't do resolutions. I've talked about that before because I really value the why and the purpose and the process of behaviors over outcomes because I know that when The intention and process is there, the outcome will happen. So what's most important is putting those things in process. So for me, resolutions feel constraining. It feels like a rule or something that I have to do, but words feel different though. When there's a specific word that I'm striving toward in all the work I do, I feel like I can bend and I can shift as I go along. And so there's freedom in a word of the year for me. I also recognize that everyone's different, but if you are so inclined, I encourage you to do the same— to pick a word that encompasses how you would like to feel throughout the year, what you would like to focus on throughout the year, or who you want to be throughout this year. But don't stop there. Use that word to formulate some goals that will always point to the word. So for example, I've chosen my word for the year And it's, drum roll, routine. I got way out of my routines this year as life hit a bit hard, but I've come to realize that it is my routines that create my success. And so I intend to focus really getting back deep into my routines this year, my professional routines, my physical routines, my spiritual routines, my financial routines, my psychological routines, and my relationship routines. So I'm going to tell you a little bit about how I do it, and I encourage you to choose your word and then make 5 goals that point toward your word. So goal number 1 should be financial, goal number 2 should be relational, goal number 3 should be personal, goal number 4 should be spiritual, and goal number 5 should be physical. So my word is routine. My financial goal will be to make sure all of my financial goals are set up and moving smoothly— my tithing, my investing, my spending— really put them on repeat so that There's routines involved in that that ultimately lead to my goals. My relational goal may be to set up regular family business meetings, lunches, dates, activities that I can get into a routine that keep me connected in the way that I wanna be with my people. My personal goal may be to focus on routines of meditation. Well, it is to focus on routines of meditation, journaling, affirmations, writing, to make sure that I'm achieving what I wanna achieve in those areas. My spiritual goal is to adhere to regular prayer, devotion, and connecting with my church community and God. My physical goal is to continue my regular routine of early morning workouts at the same time each day. Every goal you create should point back to your word of the year. All your behaviors or changes that you make should point to the— your word of the year. Now, last year I intended to read 52 books. My word of the year for last year was learn, and I didn't reach that goal of reading 52 books, but boy did I learn, and that was my word for the year. I really tried to focus on everything pointing back. I ended up, you know, having the divorce and I got my book deal, and I literally did not have enough time to read 52 books, but I learned because I was focused on that word learning. What I know is that planning increases the chances of you accomplishing the things that you want in your life. So no, I didn't fully fulfill my 2023 goal, but everything I was doing in 2023 was pushing me towards that goal. And ironically, the year before last was publish, and I didn't fully fulfill that the year before last because I didn't get my publishing deal until 2023, but it came just a couple months later in 2023, all because I had spent the entire year of 2022 focusing on the word publish. And all of my intentions, all of my behaviors, all of my activities were focused towards building that. Even though these past 2 years I haven't accomplished the goal, but I've, I've gotten so much closer and I did just a little bit later. Now, the reality is none of us know what 2024 holds. We're all at the mercy of God and we're at the mercy of other forces that we don't control or understand. And there's nothing special about January 1st, except that it is a collective day when we all start something new, and I believe that there's energy in the collective. And I also believe that the words we speak and the goals we create are so crucial to accomplishment in your life. So why not ride the wave of new energy and plan, hope, dream, and take action? So for the woman who feels a little beaten down by 2023, can I help dust you off, shine you up, and get you back in the saddle? Hope is free. It is not the precursor to disappointment as a lot of people fear. I know a lot of people don't want to hope because they just feel they're gonna get disappointed, but let's risk some disappointment and create some joy and hope in our life, because without risk, we lose the joy of unexpected gifts. We lose the joy of accomplishment. We lose the joy of hard work yielding fruit. And when all hope is lost, remember that God does transform seemingly hopeless circumstances. I've seen it time and time again in my lives and my clients' lives and my family's life. So here are some things that I'm looking forward to in the new year: sleeping in on Saturdays, cuddles on the couch with my girls, my boys coming home to visit, early mornings working on my writing— remember routines?— precious time spent with friends, walking barefoot in the grass in the summer, speaking on new stages, learning a new skill, Teaching a new skill. Saving a life through my work. Reading a book that I don't want to put down. Relaxing in my jacuzzi. I know there will also be loss and grief and frustration in 2024, but there's so much to look forward to. 12 months of unwritten, pristine chapters. As you look forward to 2024, I pray that you look forward with hope, my friend. And if you are so inclined, please share your word of the year with me. Okay, on to the topic of setting your relationship up for success in 2024. Now, this is very much related to what I just talked about personally, creating a word for the year. So we often spend so much time on personal goals, and you guys know I'm all about self because I know that caring for self allows you to care better for others. And so we create affirmations, we create words of the year, but What about your relationship? Are you taking time to take into account where your relationship is here and how you want it to look in 2024? Your marriage is a living, breathing entity of itself. I understand it is not a human being. It is a separate entity, but it actually does have life. It's separate from each of you as individuals, and it's important to attend to it, to honor it, And continue to give it life, or it will die. So what does that look like? So just like a lot of us take stock of ourselves, I encourage you to go to your partner and request that you guys set some time apart and take stock of your relationship this year. What worked for you guys in 2023? What didn't work? What changes do you hope to see in your relationship in this new year? What is something you want to make sure you continue to do, you double down on? Just take a look at this past What's been going on with you guys? And how do you want it to look next year? What word would you like your relationship to embody this year? So I kind of get excited when I think and I imagine of you guys going to your partner and creating your own word just for your relationship this year. A beautiful vehicle of connection this year would be to create a routine of choosing a word as you guys journey through the year, and then as you make decisions throughout the year, Asking each other the question, does this point to our word of the year? This allows you guys to be intentional in your relationship, and it gives you the opportunity to work together towards a common goal of increasing health in your relationship. Now, I also know that there are many women and men listening to this podcast who are struggling in their relationship, and maybe you don't even feel that your relationship has space for an activity like this. I encourage you to still take stock of your relationship this year and come up with a word for the year regarding how you want to show up in this relationship. You don't have to have your spouse's buy-in or consent to choose a word that embodies health for yourself and your relationship. Maybe it's boundaries, maybe it's empathy, or maybe it's quality time. I know that's two words, or connection. Where do you need to grow this year as a partner in a way that's also self-caring, not codependent or blaming? But how do you need to grow and stretch? This is a word that you can hold close to your heart, and you can ask yourself in all of your interactions with your partner if your behavior, if your choices are reflective of that word. So I want you to take some time. I want you to think about it. If you can, I'd like for you to invite your spouse into this process. If they're unwilling, then you formulate your word based on everything that you know points to health in your marriage and choose the word. If your spouse is willing and you can choose the word together, then set up your relationship for success this year by also agreeing on a business meeting. So actually, in the work that I do with my couples, I almost always request that they have a weekly date night and a weekly business meeting. During the date night, you don't talk about any family business or children. You just focus on yourselves and your relationship and enjoying each other. This can be incredibly hard for people who have been married for quite a long time and are really just into an unhealthy groove of only talking about the kids or only talking about the finances. Date night is the night that you just focus on each other. Really try to bring some of that romance back. Now, during the business meeting, that's when you focus on family, relationship, business, what's working, what isn't, finance, kids, life stuff that is actually separate from your intimate relationship. Sometimes we forget that, but it's separate. So then when would you address your word of the year? Well, it depends. If it's more functionally focused, then you would address your word of the year during the business meetings. But if it's more intimately relationship-focused, focused than it would be during date night. You two need to determine where your relationship needs work, or what you need to double down on, or you as an individual, as a part of this relationship, need to determine what you need to work on regarding this relationship. That was short and sweet. So basically what I'm saying is choose a word for yourself, That's about you, your goals, how you want to show up this year, and choose a separate word for your relationship regarding your relationship and how you want it to look and how maybe you want to show up for your relationship this year. What I know is that what we pour into grows, what we focus on grows. And your word for the year is a fantastic way to remind yourself on a regular basis About what's important to you and grow it. Happy New Year. I'm excited to journey into 2024 with you guys. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe to my email list so that you can get some encouragement from me and have a strong week. See you next week.
