Six Questions To Ask Yourself About Your Relationship

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad that you're here today. So today I'm gonna ask you some questions to help you explore, am I in love with my partner's potential, or am I in love with who they are? As I even use that word love, I want you to remember that love is an action verb. It's not just about something that happens to you. But I'm going to do that by asking you some questions. But first, my win and my fail, as always. So my win this week is that I listened to my body. And my question to you is, how did you listen to your body this week? And when I say your body, I mean your— really your body, your mind, your soul. I was going through a thing this week. Who doesn't go through those sometimes, right? And I just had this drive to go to the beach, and I live over an hour from the beach, so it's not like it's a 10-minute drive. And there was a lot to do that day, but something was just pulling me there. And I did something I've never done. Sometimes I'll go to the beach for the weekend and do some writing, but for some reason, for me, the beach is where I can connect to my creativity. And so I went to the beach by myself. I pulled my chair all the way up to the waterline, and I sat on the beach in the cold, and it was a little rainy. I brought a beanie, 2 Sweatshirts, a blanket, and I sat and I stared at the waves for 2 hours. Now, I thought I might fall asleep, and I was very warm because I had so many layers, but I didn't. I was alert, and I stared at the waves for a couple of hours, and honestly, it was transformational. I encourage all of my clients to meditate. I encourage all of my clients to get time to themselves in quiet, and I purposefully did not bring a book. I did not bring a device. I intention to sit with my thoughts and watch the waves, and I did for 2 hours straight. And although I do meditate regularly, I don't do it for 2 hours, you guys. And so for me, it was a big win because I don't like to sit at all. It's hard to get me to just sit, and it's hard to get me to meditate for longer than maybe 15 minutes because usually I'm just going to fall asleep. So my win is I was able to do that, and I really, between that and prayer, I just felt that I had Had some transformational thoughts, ideas, moments that have already trickled into my life. And that's my win. What's my fail? Okay, here's my fail, guys. I'm always getting super personal with you, and I'm glad to do that because that's what's the point, right? What's the point in talking about these things and talking about ourselves and relationships if we're not able to, and I'm not willing to share my own stuff? So I did something in relationship that I tell you guys not to do. Oh no. Because I allowed myself to say the things that I encourage you guys not to say to yourself. And although I could watch myself, like up above, watch myself doing it, I still did it for some reason. And what I did was I didn't speak up when I should have spoken up. And the reason why I didn't speak up is because of these words and messages that I was telling to myself. Don't say anything. You're probably overreacting. You're being too sensitive. Maybe what you're thinking doesn't really matter. My fail is that I allowed those words to get the best of me, and I waited before I had a conversation that I should have had weeks ago. Now, okay, maybe we can say a win is that it was weeks, not months or years, but I should have had this conversation weeks ago, and I didn't because of my own self-talk that really didn't honor myself and honor my feelings and my voice. And so I did have the conversation, went great. And you know, it's great that it went great, but even if it hadn't, I still needed to speak up. And that's the important thing that I hope that you guys recognize, because the things that keep us from speaking up is the idea of, what if it doesn't go well? What if I mess everything up? What if I'm too much? What if, what if? And the healthy response is, okay, maybe all of those things are true in that moment or may happen in that moment, and yet I still need to speak up. And so I hope this is an encouragement to you guys to Number one, listen to your bodies, listen to what your soul needs. Take the time to have time and space with yourself, even though it may feel indulgent, even though it may feel selfish, even though it may feel all the things that you tell yourself. Not only is it not true, but you need to listen to yourself in order to be the best version of you for yourself and your people. And number 2, say the hard things, have the hard conversations. We are never rewarded when we silence ourselves. Okay, onto some questions I want you guys to ask yourself about your relationship. Now, I heard some of these questions on Instagram from an influencer who saw these on Reddit, and so I'm not taking credit for these. I just don't actually know who to credit, and I also added some of my own. So 6 questions to ask yourself about your relationship, really, I think, to gain clarity and also to recognize, am I accepting and loving my partner for who they are now, or am I just in love with their potential? So when I say listen, I really mean that. Just listen. Don't rush to get a pencil. Don't stop the audio. I want you to first listen because I'm going to repeat all of these. I will also have these questions in the show notes so you can just literally sit and soak these in. And I want you to pay attention to your immediate response. Number 1, if someone told you you're a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you? Number 2, do you feel safe with your partner both physically and emotionally? Number 3, are you truly fulfilled in your relationship, or are you just less lonely? Number 4, are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel a need to show up differently to please your partner? Number 5, are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their potential? Basically the idea of them or your hope for who they will be? And number 6, would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner? Pay attention to how you're feeling right now after hearing these questions. Are you feeling confirmed, excited because you want to share these with your partner? Are you feeling a sense of love and appreciation towards your partner? Or are you experiencing a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach or anger towards me or anger towards your partner or sadness or frustration or fear? It's really easy to become accustomed to dysfunction in your relationship. And sometimes it's not until you leave for a time and come back and it hits you. It's like, it's like a smell that's constantly there that you stop smelling, right? But when you leave and come back, you smell it in a way that you didn't before. Because you were accustomed to it. So I'm going to circle back to these questions because, you know, I always have some commentary. So the first one is, if someone told you you're a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you? And I think this is a really great question and really important because it really just gets to the heart of the matter of who you think your partner is as a person, as a whole. And if someone says that you're like them, if it feels good, of course that sends a message to you, oh, I really respect and like my partner. If it feels bad and you really want to press against that, what is it about your partner that makes you feel like, oh, I wouldn't be like them? And you know, sometimes it's benign, meaning whatever characteristics your partner has doesn't necessarily affect your relationship in a negative way as a whole. So we've all heard the statement opposites attract, and I'm not going to get into the truth or the health of that statement right now. Maybe that's for a whole nother podcast, but there are some positive things regarding opposites attracting because balance, right? But if there's a quality in your partner, or there are qualities in your partner that you would not want to be associated with yourself, that's something to think about and look at. It speaks volumes to how you feel about your partner. It speaks volumes to the respect that you have for your partner. It speaks volumes about the person you think your partner is. So just something to think about. And number 2, do you feel safe with your partner, both physically and emotionally? Well, I think this one goes without saying. We know that we cannot really have a healthy relationship if we do not feel safe with our partner. If we don't feel safe with our heart, with our words, with our ideas, with our perspective, even feel safe in our conflict. So as I'm talking about these questions and why they're so important to ask yourself, these questions are not meant to make you feel bad about your relationship. These questions are just meant to help you develop some awareness about where you are in the relationship and how you truly see your partner, because Often we are looking at our partner through a lens of potential instead of being aware and honest with ourselves about the present of who our partner is. Next question is, are you truly fulfilled in your relationship or are you just less lonely? So sometimes we choose partners because they are a really great fit for us. Other times we choose partners because in our life at that moment, we just need somebody. And that probably applies more to maybe a dating relationship because I definitely know plenty of people, married women, men in relationships who are lonely. And so they don't feel fulfilled and they still feel lonely in a relationship, and that's entirely possible. But as you're cultivating relationship, as you're choosing partners, as you're living in a relationship, ask yourself, am I Feeling fulfilled in this relationship, or am I just trying to fill a hole? And if you realize that the answer is that you're not feeling fulfilled, that you are just trying to fill a hole, ask yourself what that hole is. Is it a hole of loneliness? Is it a hole of image? How you want other people to perceive you? Is it a hole of finances, convenience? Ask yourself what that hole is. And then figure out, number one, how can I get that met? And number two, what do I need to feel fulfilled in this relationship with my partner? Because that also means there must be other holes. So what do I need to feel fulfilled in this relationship with my partner if I'm not feeling fulfilled right now? Next is, are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel a need to show up differently to please Your partner. Nothing takes a greater emotional toll than pretending, than hiding, than covering up how you truly feel. And I talked about this in my— was it my win or my fail? I think it was my fail— that even still, with all the work that I do, sometimes I feel a tendency to need to hide because I second-guess who I am authentically, what my authentic feelings are, and whether they're valid or not. And so when we don't have the courage, when we don't have the space, or we tell ourselves that we don't have the space to show up unapologetically ourselves, then we're showing up with a false self in hopes that someone will love us. But then of course, I've talked about this before, when someone loves you, or even when they like you, and you know that you haven't been authentically yourself, you still feel very unloved and unliked because— You tell yourself, but they don't really know who I am, whether you're doing it consciously or subconsciously, that happens. And so ask yourself, are you able to be unapologetically yourself, or do you feel a need to show up differently to please your partner? The truth is that there's space. You have to make the space, and you can tolerate whatever the result or the consequences are of you showing up unapologetically. Ultimately, the price you're paying to not do that is way too high, and the benefits of doing that are tremendous. Next, are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their potential, the idea of them, or the hope of who they will be? This kind of goes along with some of the other ones, but, you know, one of the things that I often tell women who are thinking about getting married is To be honest with yourself about whether there's something you want to change in your partner. And even for those who are married, I want you to ask yourself, is there something I want to, or I'm trying to change in your partner? And if that's the case, then you're not walking in acceptance. You're spending a lot of energy focused on changing your partner instead of loving your partner for who they are. If you want to change them before you've even gotten into a marriage, don't bother. Figure out how to love them first as they are because they're probably not going to change. And if you're in a marriage and you're trying to change your spouse, there may be some very important and valid things that you're trying to change, but regardless, your work is also to find the space of acceptance and work on changing yourself. Because you're just spinning your wheels if you're working constantly on trying to change the other. You express yourself, you're authentic, you ask for what you need, you stand up for yourself, you do all of those things because you're caring for yourself and working on yourself, but you cannot control the other person's choices, outcome, behavior. And so your work is to take care of yourself, to speak up for yourself. And focus on accepting your partner for who they are. Last, would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner? This is a big one. This is such a big one. And I love it when women smile huge and say, absolutely, I hope that, you know, my child has a spouse just like mine. And reality is when we've been married for lots of years, we can always find flaws in our partners. But fundamentally, would you want your future imagined child to date someone like your partner? This is such a deep question that I encourage you to ponder and then ask yourself why. Next, I want you to just ask, is there anything I can do to change this experience, this view, or this lens or feeling that I have about my relationship? You already know that I deeply feel that we cannot focus on changing others. I just talked about that. We must only focus on changing ourselves, which is why we need to know ourselves well. Now, also earlier, I think I said that you could ask your partner these questions if you are brave. I encourage you to do that. But if you are truly committed to health, you should turn these questions back on yourself and ask if you are a safe place. for your partner? Are you intentional about meeting your partner's healthy needs? Do you feel like your presence allows your partner to show up fully as himself without judgment? Are you like someone you would want your child to date in the future? And how can you love yourself in the process of becoming? And when we take these deep dives into relationships, there aren't always immediate answers. There aren't always easy answers. But sometimes in just asking the questions, you gain clarity and sometimes motivation to make decisions and changes in your life that you wouldn't have before, had you never questioned. Thank you for listening. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes will go out on Tuesdays. If you're new here, welcome. Please subscribe so that you will be notified of new episodes, and go over to my website and hop on my email list at zoe@drzoeshaw.com. I will send you weekly encouragement. If this show is helpful, or if you know it may be helpful for a friend, please hit that like button and share it. And if you feel so inclined, I would appreciate a review. Have a strong week.