Stop Trying To Control It All

Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with a purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Welcome, I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today's topic is Strong Woman, Stop Trying to Control It All. Yes, I'm talking to you. But before we dive in, as always, I'm going to share my win and my fail. My win this week is that I got the biggest dose of encouragement from a friend right at the time when I needed it the most. You know, sometimes you just need that little pick-me-up to keep running your marathon. Ladies, I've said it a number of times and I've done 2 podcasts about it. You need girlfriends. You just do. You need good ones who will lift you up when you're down and walk this life journey with you. You gotta invest in those relationships. The return is so worth it. So my fail, I'm gonna own the fact that I'm killing it in all departments of my life right now, except the laundry department. I'm out of panties. Yeah, I just said that. Y'all, there are 7 of us in this house and the laundry is crazy. And yes, I have a housekeeper, and no, I'm not ashamed about it. You just heard I said there were 7 people in my house, right? But she doesn't do our laundry because I feel like we should all be able to take care of our own laundry, and on most days we can. There was something about adding 2 more people, my mother-in-law and my son back home from college, that threw our laundry schedule off. Every time I go to the laundry room to try to do a load, both of the machines are completely full. I feel like I just never get a chance, like I'm back in college or something. And maybe we need 2 washing machines to get us through this pandemic. But then we're not even going anywhere, so I don't know why we have so much laundry. Isn't everybody else wearing like the same clothes every day? So I've done what any smart woman would do. I put in an order of my favorite panties and they'll be here tomorrow. Problem solved. Can I call that a win and a fail? So onto the topic, letting go of trying to control it all. How many times have you said or thought these words? Just let me do it. I'm kind of feeling that way about the laundry right now. One of the most challenging things for a strong woman who strives to have things a certain way in her life is that she's also a control freak. That's not a clinical diagnosis. And I don't really like the term freak added to the word control. Do we really need to call anyone a freak just because they want to try to control everything and everyone in their life, but I know myself and I own it. So sometimes I'll say I'm a recovering control freak. I'm also recovering Superwoman, but I know that my tendency is to feel more secure when I'm controlling the ship. It's just my nature. And it's not always in my best interest. And it's not always God's plan for me. And I can go way off into the deep end and start sinking and drowning before I'm going to be like, okay, God, I messed up. I can't do this. Can you help me now? All of that isn't necessary, and that's why I'm sharing this with you today. So good woman, release your grip. Stop trying to muscle it. One of the reasons why I do this podcast is because I'm called to encourage and strengthen women. I have wisdom gained through life, and my desire is to impart it to you so that you can gain your own wisdom in the easiest way possible. Because wisdom is gained in 2 ways: making all the mistakes or learning from others' mistakes. You can't always gain it the easy way, so you're gonna have to make your own mistakes. That's a given. But if you can maximize your learning from others as well, you'll be so much further and have an easier time in life. So back to control. First, we need to understand why we do it in the first place. We women are socialized to believe that we are the only ones that can do certain things. We grow up watching the men in our life not do the things, and we make up the reason in our minds that the reason why men don't do the things is because they can't. Or maybe we just watch our mother doing it and we assume that we need to just follow suit. And so we operate on this subconscious, sometimes even conscious beliefs that the people in our lives are not really capable of the things. We feel we just do things better. And here's the kicker, because we do things more often, this actually becomes true. So we have this self-fulfilling prophecy, which is confirmed if we ever ask somebody to do something, because they screw it up in comparison to how we would do it. We're disappointed. We confirm to ourselves that we have to do it, and we get right back to controlling everything, feeling more justifiably entrenched in this. Unhealthy behavior. German Hartley points out that when women say, just let me do it, what they're really saying is, I don't want to be let down again, because we can all think of a time when our partners let us down. But women, what is the price of our controlling? It breaks the bank, let me tell you that, and it creates the very thing you are trying to avoid— stress. So because your controlling nature wasn't created overnight, Because this is hard-grained and you have atrophied the muscles of those around you, we have to start letting go of the control in small ways, building up to bigger ways, right? So what does this look like? One, you've got to figure out what's driving your need to control. Is it fear? Is it shame? Is it a need to be needed or a need to be seen as someone who can do it all? It's usually fear. So you have to ask yourself, what are you afraid of? What are you afraid is going to happen if you stop the controlling behavior? Challenge your fear-based belief. Is it really true? I have to remind myself that my husband lived on this earth for over 40 years before I showed up in his life, and somehow he managed to take care of all his business and his home. I also have to remind him though, because I think he forgets sometimes. I also have to remind myself that I am raising capable children, and I want to continue doing that. So my belief that I have to take care of it all does not serve them well in their lives. And that is exactly why they are taking care of the laundry backlog today, not me. Remember, it takes time to learn how to be as fabulous as you are at getting stuff done. Teaching your people to fish may feel like a waste of time, but it's well worth the investment in time and energy that you get back for yourself and your family later. If your fear-based controlling behavior isn't working, then you need to do the opposite. And remind yourself that done is better than done your way. Last, you have to replace control with faith. The need to control is just a construct in your brain. Your need to control is piloted by the words you tell yourself about the capabilities of those around you. They're lies, and your brain believes them. But guess what else your brain believes? Any darn thing you tell it. So speak faith into your situation. Speak faith about your people, faith in yourself, faith in your God, and ultimately you'll begin to experience what you tell your brain you want. Imagine yourself releasing that control. You've got this. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!