The 4 Communication Styles That Predict Divorce

Did you know that the issues in your marriage have little to do with the actual health of your marriage? It's not too surprising because I always talk about self-talk and how important it is. Well, guess what? The way you talk to your spouse is just as important as your own self-talk when it comes to the long-term viability of your marriage. Listen up to hear the 4 main ways that you could be communicating with your partner that predict with 93% accuracy whether your marriage will end in divorce. Kind of mind-blowing, right? Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we are talking about predicting divorce in your marriage and what you can do about it. We're going to dive right in in just a second, but before we get started, I like to share my win and my fail from the week. And I do that so that you guys can see I am a super real person just like you are, and also so that we can learn to honor both our wins and our fails. We learn so much for both if we're willing. So my win was that I had a listener contact me and just really pour her heart out to me and tell me about how much my podcast has helped her. I have to tell you, when you guys do that, it lifts me up and it just gives me all of the fuel I need to keep doing this podcast week after week, because my true desire is to, to really impart my wisdom that I've gained over my wonderful years of life. To help you guys in your relationships, to strengthen them, strengthen your marriages, strengthen your relationships, and strengthen your super important relationship with yourself. So that warmed my heart, and that's definitely a win. My fail is that I had a little fender bender. Oh, so frustrating. And I just got my car in December, and it was really not a big deal. It was like a parking lot situation. But you know, when you do that, it just gives you a yucky feeling for a little bit afterwards. So that's my fail, probably that I was digging through my purse and not realizing that my car was rolling forward. My husband's first question was, were you looking at your phone? No, I wasn't. I was digging through my purse for makeup. Thank you very much. But regardless, it sucks to mess up. And when we do, we have to make sure that we're paying attention to our self-talk and we're not kicking ourselves when we're down. We've got to lift ourselves up. Okay, so on to the topic: predicting divorce in your marriage and what you can do about it. Now, this is actually not new information, but a lot of you guys haven't heard about it, so I'm excited to share. John Gottman and his wife Julie are psychological researchers and clinicians, and they study marriages and divorce prediction. They have painstakingly listened to and analyzed elements of couples' conversations over more than 30 And have observed over 4,000 married couples. And what he has found in his research is that there are 4 main communication styles that he calls the Four Horsemen that predict divorce. And he found that when couples use these 4 styles, he can predict with 93% accuracy that the marriage will end in divorce. And I remember first learning about this in grad school, and I remember feeling blown away that he had cracked the code and that he could really figure out who was heading for divorce and who wasn't just by listening to them Didn't matter what the issue was, he just listened to the way they talked about it, and from that he could determine the health of their marriage. So it's pretty cool that he broke it down quantitatively. First, he found that you must have a 16 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions on a regular basis, and 5 to 1 during conflict in order to be a happy couple. Now I've never actually counted that ratio during any arguments with my husband, but just the knowledge that it exists actually helps kind of keep it in the back of my mind when I'm really angry at him. Sometimes I'll just remind myself, okay, we gotta have a positive interaction here. So write that down. For every 1 of your negative interactions, you must have 16 positive ones when things are going good. And when you're in conflict, thank God, it's only 5 positive to every negative. Now this doesn't predict divorce, but it does determine your happiness in your marriage. So here are the 4 horsemen that do predict divorce and what you can do about it. Horseman number 1 is criticism. When you criticize your partner, you're telling them that something's wrong with them. Gottman says that what you've done is you've taken a problem that was between the two of you and you've put it inside your partner's body. When you use the words you always or you never, your partner's gonna feel attacked. And whenever you criticize someone, they tend to feel threatened. Think about what happens when someone criticizes you. You tend to feel threatened, you become defensive, and then sometimes you stop listening. And your partner will start feeling bad about themselves in your presence, so you'll also see You're gonna see avoiding behavior. Your partner's gonna start avoiding you or avoiding conversations with you, and neither one of you guys are gonna feel heard or appreciated. So here's the antidote: make a direct complaint that's not a global attack on your husband's character, and then give him the solution. For example, you can tell your husband, when you come home from work and you ignore me and then you expect me to do all the chores while you sit on the couch, even when we've both been working all day, I feel hurt and I feel like you don't value or appreciate me. It would mean a lot to me if you'd take out the trash and make dinner together with me so we can spend time together. When you tell your partner the solution, you offer him the chance to be the hero, and you offer him the chance to fix it for you, and his motivation is actually increased to do it because you haven't obliterated his character in the process. Horseman number 2, defensiveness. Okay, so when your partner has a complaint and then you respond with a counter-complaint or anger, you're being defensive. So when he says, hey, listen, you always leave your stuff right in front of my bed and I trip on it in the morning when I wake up. And you say, well, you always leave your wet towel in the shower. That's defensiveness. This makes things worse and then it creates the same defensive response in your partner. And before you know it, things have escalated and because both of you guys are hurt and you're not even solving the issue. The antidote to defensiveness is to take some responsibility for the problem. A quick route to this is to tell yourself, my partner's right. This is a hard one. I work with my clients all the time to work on this when you're in conflict. Tell yourself, my partner is right. How can I understand how my partner is right? Now please note, this doesn't mean that you actually have to agree with your partner, but it does shortcut the process towards understanding your partner's point of view. Because guess what? He's right. He really does trip on your stuff when you leave it right in front of his side of the bed when he wakes up in the morning. Yes, he also leaves his towel In the shower, but that's not the point. You address his issue, and then later at another time you can address your issue. Horseman number 3 is contempt. Contempt goes way past criticism. Criticism attacks your partner's character. Contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over your partner. When you mock your partner, when you call them names, if you roll your eyes or you sneer in disgust, You're expressing contempt. And contempt, my friend, is serious. These interactions effectively destroy any sense of admiration, any sense of affection, respect, or partnership in your marriage. Gottman says that if you separate out the Four Horsemen, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and it has to be eliminated. Research even shows that couples that are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds, the flu, than other people Because contempt actually weakens your immune system. Contempt is fueled by long simmering negative thoughts about your partner, probably because you're not speaking when you need to speak and issues are getting left unresolved. So the antidote to contempt is to check yourself when you're really angry and remember the power of those words to destroy your marriage. Remember I told you about how when I get really angry at my husband, I think back to that ratio, 5 to 1. Okay, we've got to have some kind of positive interaction here. Don't say everything. Don't say everything. everything that you feel in anger, but focus instead on getting the clear point across without name-calling and put-downs. Gottman says that you have to focus on building a culture of appreciation in your marriage. I love that phrase, a culture of appreciation. So when you're not angry, make a habit of finding things that you're grateful for in your spouse. Think about all the good qualities that your spouse has and let him know what they are. Now, it's not easy to change the way that you communicate when you're angry. I get that, especially if you grew up in a house where maybe your parents were slinging zingers at each other all the time when they were mad, but it can be done. So horseman number 4 is stonewalling. This happens when the listener withdraws from the conversation. It's not the same as giving the cold shoulder, which we women are pretty good at doing sometimes. Stonewalling happens during a conversation when basically the listener just shuts down. He's done. The stonewaller, he might look like he doesn't care or that he's not even paying attention anymore, but usually he's just so overwhelmed and he's trying to calm himself down. But the problem is it doesn't work because you're left feeling like he doesn't care, and he might even leave or walk out of the situation. And then of course, that just starts a vicious cycle where you're demanding, To talk, and you're, you know, really trying to get his attention, and you want to resolve this thing, and he's trying to escape. So what's the antidote? The antidote is to understand that arguing past the point of either one of you feeling overwhelmed is completely pointless. Now, I know you want a resolution. I know you want an apology, or you just want to feel better and get this thing over with. Been there. But it won't happen if one of you is checked out. Forcing it is only going to cause more issues. So what you have to do is learn to recognize when you or your partner is feeling overwhelmed and agitated, and then you both have to agree to check out together for a few minutes. Not saying you have to be together when you're checking out. Sometimes it's better to go your separate ways, but you agree to check out together to calm yourselves down. And it's super important that you come back to the conversation, but only after you can both be present. And yes, even when things feel better, you have to come back because what you don't want to Basically, the Four Horsemen are checkpoints for your relationship conflict. Staying aware of them and making sure that you're working to eliminate them from your communication with your partner increases the chances that you and your partner will see your golden years together. The good news is that the outcome of your marriage is something that you have control over. Yes, even if one person is making a change in a marriage, it makes a difference. And you can change the way you communicate with your spouse, and that can change the trajectory of your marriage. Reach out if you need some help. You've got this. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.