In this episode of the Dr. Zoe Show, Dr. Zoe Shaw explores the "curse of capability"—the paradox where highly capable women become trapped by their own competence. She begins with a childhood belief that God gave her talents that must never be wasted, which forged a strong work ethic but also set the stage for over‑competence. Through personal anecdotes about unappreciated neighbors and her daughter Sullivan’s return to school, she illustrates how capability can blind us to relationships and self‑care. Dr. Zoe offers a short self‑assessment quiz to help listeners identify whether they are operating in a zone of competence or a zone of genius. She shares a concrete example of turning down a misaligned book deal after a mastermind mentor highlighted the difference between competence and genius. The episode explains how ultra‑capable behavior can lead others to assume you need no help, resulting in neglected relationships, resentment, and a lack of growth for those around you. Practical strategies are presented: evaluate tasks for ease, passion, and uniqueness; delegate or pass on work that isn’t in your genius zone; stop “saving” everyone; and deliberately ask for help. Throughout, Dr. Zoe weaves a faith perspective, suggesting that God calls capable women to move beyond competence toward a higher purpose. The episode concludes with an invitation to reflect on one’s own zone of genius, to operate more intentionally, and to let go of the need for external permission, ending with calls to subscribe and receive weekly encouragement.
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When I was a little girl, I was told that God gives us talents and we are not to squander them. I took that super seriously when I was a kid, really seriously. I had this idea that if I wasted my talents, I would wake up one day like Samson and I would have lost all my power. I'm grateful now for that super black and white thinking because it caused me to work extremely hard. I think I had a keen understanding that I had some pretty special talents in a couple of areas. One of them was athletics. And in many ways, my work ethic has created the life that I have now, which I treasure. But the flip side of any superpower is its kryptonite that can render you powerless. And for me, and maybe for you too, that kryptonite is being too competent. So tune in today. I'm going to talk about the curse of capability and what we very capable women can do about it. Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you've joined us today. Today, we're going to talk about the curse of capability. But before we get started, I always share my win and my fail. My fail, you guys, is that I didn't appreciate the neighbors who lived behind us until they were gone. I'm going to try to keep this story super brief so we can get on to the topic, but our neighbors of 12 years moved away, and of course new ones moved in. The new neighbors came and introduced themselves to us by knocking on our door and telling us that the trees in our backyard, the leaves on the trees were blowing into their pool, and they wanted to know if we could cut them down at our expense. Now, these same trees have been there for 12 years behind the same pool, and we've never gotten that complaint. I have to say, that's quite a way to introduce yourself to new neighbors, but how sad that I never appreciated the wonderful neighbors that were behind me for 12 years. This brings to my mind that saying, you don't know what you got till it's gone. I never really got to know those nice people behind us, and the anonymity with which we live in the world feels like a fail to me. So my win though is that my daughter Sully went back to school. Yay! My 14-year-old daughter, and she is thrilled. We're still pretty much We're still pretty much in lockdown here in California, but they're bringing back just the special needs kids in these pods. And for those of you guys who are new to the podcast, my 14-year-old daughter Sullivan has a rare genetic disorder called Prader-Willi syndrome. So she's so excited to get back to school and so is her mama. So onto the topic, the curse of capability and how you can keep your talents from ruining your life. First, let's see where you are on the scale of capability. So here's a little quiz. 1, do people often rely on you to get things done? 2, do you have the ability to pull things off even if you procrastinated until the last moment? 3, do you seem to get things done just a little easier and a little faster than most people? 4, do you often have to put systems in place to make sure things don't fall between the cracks? 5, is it hard for you to rest because there's always something to do? Do you feel like someone is often offering you an opportunity and it's difficult to say no to it? If many of these resonate with you, then you, my dear friend, have the blessing and curse of capability. I was recently offered a deal by a book company. Now I know that that seems to be the dream of every author, and my first book, A Year of Self-Care, just came out, but the offer actually wasn't that great and the The topic was only loosely related to my brand. I could have written the book easily though. It was in my wheelhouse. So I took this dilemma to my mastermind group and Rhonda, a wise woman, said to me that this seems to be in my zone of competence, but not in my zone of genius, and I should stick to my zone of genius. And she was right. This really clicked with me and I was able to turn down the shiny offer because I knew that there's something better for me out there that more closely aligns with my brand and my message. See, we can get tripped up by capability because it allows us to stay in a zone of competence, sometimes for decades. We can perform really well in that zone, but it doesn't allow us to step out into our zone of genius because stepping out is scary and unknown, right? The ironic thing though is that discomfort is actually the biggest motivator. And I've seen this in my life and the life of many capable clients. It's easy to jump ship when you're not good at something. It's a lot harder to jump ship when you're performing well and receiving applause and maybe even moving up the ladder, even if what you're doing doesn't fill your soul. Capability can keep us comfortable. The fear of walking in your genius is often that if you decide to make changes in your life, people around you are going to say, what's wrong with you? Why would you quit when what you're doing is working so well? When I first started writing and speaking and I started my podcast, many of my friends said, what are you doing, Zoe? I was a busy mom homeschooling my kids, and I had a successful working psychotherapy practice. But honestly, I wasn't fulfilled. Not because my life wasn't full— it was very full— but something was pushing me. I believe God was speaking to me, saying, there's more for you to do, Zoe. Is anybody recognizing this in yourself today? Is there more for you to do? Or maybe, or maybe your kryptonite is that your capabilities don't allow others to see you as needing any help. You're applauded for how well you handle everything. People end up viewing you as very capable, so capable that you end up feeling neglected in relationships. My first aha moment about this happened when I had a friend that had an injury, and a lot of my friends came together to help her. And I remember mentioning to my friend about a similar injury I had experienced months earlier and joking— not joking— about how no one helped me. She laughed and she said, well, she just has a low threshold for anything difficult in her life. You handle everything so well, Zoe. I guess everyone thinks you don't need any help. This hit me hard because I didn't feel like I had it all together, although I guess I was certainly portraying that. So newsflash, your people aren't necessarily neglectful and uncaring people, those people in your life. You, my dear friend, have taught them that you don't need them through your ultra-capable behavior, and they react in kind. But guess what? When you cease to show up as ultra-capable, help will rise to meet you. Just like everybody was running out to help my friend, and I had the same thing going on, and they're like, you're good. So how can you remain the wonderfully capable woman that you are, yet recover from a life of being ultra-capable? Remember that whole zone of genius thing? Ultra-capable women tend to say yes to more things because they can actually hold a bigger load, but you're not walking in your zone of genius just because you can carry a big load. So before you rush off to another yes, or even as you evaluate what you need to cull from your life today, ask yourself, Does this come easy to me? Am I passionate about it? Is it something that needs my special skills, or could anyone do it? If 2 out of the 3 responses are yes, then it's likely to be in your zone of genius. If the answer is no, if you're not really passionate about it, or if someone less skilled or knowledgeable could do it, or if it just doesn't come easy to you, then leave it. Leave it to them and pass or delegate it to someone In your circle. Getting over being ultra-capable can also mean that you stop saving everyone. They come to you because it's easier for them. You make it look easy, but it keeps them from developing their own muscles. The people in your life— your husband, your kids, your friends, and your employees— are much more capable than you give them credit for. They just don't have to do it because you're there. So I'm telling you it's okay to stop. No, it's necessary to stop. By saving them all the time, you aren't doing yourself or anyone else any favors. In fact, you're probably damaging the relationship because when you're doing it all, you're sending messages to the people you're caring about how you perceive them— as not capable. You're also likely developing resentment, and that seeps through in many of your interactions. Over-capability is not a victimless crime. Last, surprise everyone and ask for help. I know this is hard, but this is crucial. When you never ask for help, remember, they decide you're more than capable, which you are, and that's the problem. You probably can actually do it all yourself, but at what cost to you and your circle? Just because you can doesn't mean you should. That's a quote. I don't remember who said it. I'll see if I can put it in the notes. So go ahead and ask for help. especially if it's in someone else's zone of genius. And look out for those zones of genius around you. Imagine a world where everyone is operating in their own zone of genius. How beautiful and efficient everything would work. So dear friend, I applaud you for your capability, but not in a you go girl, you're so strong, keep it up kind of way, but in an I see you, I honor your talents because they are good, but God made you for something even better kind of way. Today, I encourage you to ponder, what is your zone of genius? Are you walking in that space? How can you show up more and operate on autopilot less? How can you maximize what you do well and ignore the lanes beside you? How can you not allow the very thing that is your biggest asset to also be your biggest downfall? Today, I honor you, capable woman, and I give you permission that you don't need from me to let it go and let God work in the spaces. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38477. 70 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!
