In this episode of the Dr. Zoe Show, licensed psychotherapist and life‑relationship coach Dr. Zoe Shaw explores how the things we leave unsaid can damage relationships. She opens with a personal "win and fail" segment, admitting she hurt a friend by postponing a podcast appearance (her fail) and celebrating scheduling a new writing getaway (her win) to model authenticity. Dr. Zoe then presents her central thesis: unspoken words—missing "I love you," unvoiced apologies, or withheld concerns—act like small cuts that become infected, eroding trust and intimacy over time. She illustrates this with a Shaquille O'Neal interview where Shaq regrets the things he never said to Kobe Bryant, showing how unsaid admiration can haunt us. A client case study follows, where a woman finally confronts her angry husband about long‑standing hurts; despite his anger, being heard restores hope and prevents divorce. Dr. Zoe urges listeners to speak their truth in love, noting that silence breeds resentment. The episode concludes with an "Ask Dr. Zoe" segment answering a listener’s question about whether an apology is acceptable when the partner doesn’t remember the offending behavior because they were drunk. Dr. Zoe explains that the apology does not make the behavior okay; the real issue is the partner’s uncontrolled drinking, and the couple must address that underlying problem. The podcast ends with calls to subscribe, text "strong" to 38470, and connect via her website and newsletters.
Questions this video answers
Dr. Zoe explains that an apology does not make the behavior okay; the core issue is the partner's uncontrolled drinking, which must be addressed directly. Forgiveness is possible, but it does not excuse the hurt.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Hey there, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I am all about helping you have the healthiest relationship with yourself and the healthiest relationship with others. So today's topic is why it's the things we don't say that get us into the most trouble in relationships. By the way, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm a life and relationship coach. I am a licensed psychotherapist, a motivational speaker, and you can connect with me by texting the word strong to 38470. So before we get started with the topic, you know what? I want to tell you about something I noticed. My voice, when I record this podcast at night, I whisper for no good reason. My kids are not little anymore. Well, my youngest is 7, and I noticed that my voice is like whispery when I'm recording the podcast at night and my energy's real different. Well, anyway, now it's daytime, and so when you hear my energy change, that's what's going on. I'm going to try to not have that happen because I don't need to whisper at night. I think I just developed I've developed that over the years. So my win, and for you guys new listening to my podcast, I share a personal win and a personal fail every single week. And I do that so that you guys can know I'm real. Everybody makes mistakes, and we have to celebrate our wins just as much as we need to celebrate our fails because our fails always teach us something. So I'm gonna start with my fail first. I hurt a friend and colleague, and I feel really bad about it. Listen, I try really hard to not procrastinate, really hard, y'all, but sometimes things just pile up and that is life. And so a friend and a colleague of mine asked me to be a guest on her podcast and I was extremely honored. I was really looking forward to scheduling the interview and doing the interview with her. She requested that a week before Christmas and I got back to her at the end of Christmas or end of December, and I told her that I'd love to be on it and I'd schedule it after the holiday craziness. Well, the next thing you know, it's the end of January, and I came to the knowledge that I had hurt her by putting her off, and I felt so hurt. I have a podcast. I know what that could feel like, and I just, I felt hurt knowing that I had hurt her, and she was right to be hurt. I should have made it a priority. And of course, I'm so glad she told me. We patched it up. And everything's cool, but my fail, hey, I dropped the ball and I didn't do what I should have done as a woman, as a friend, as a colleague. And I've heard before that lessons keep coming to you until you actually learn them. So yeah, I'm learning this one. But my win is that I scheduled my next writing getaway already. My last writing getaway, if you guys are following me, you know it was productive and it was mind-freeing. And so I've already scheduled my next one and I'm excited about it. That's a good self-care and business care for me. So here we go. Why it's the things we don't say in relationships that get us into the most trouble. Now, you know, there's that saying that it's the things we do say, but I'm flipping the script here today because I am learning something in my practice, in my life, that it's not necessarily the things that you do say, it's the things you don't say. So think about this. It's the little hurts. He forgets to say goodbye when he leaves in the morning. He doesn't say I love you when you say goodbye. You ask for his help and he half-heartedly gives it to you. You feel snubbed, unloved, and not cared for. But in every instance, it's a little thing. It's spread over days or weeks, and you don't say anything because it's little, you say. It shouldn't matter. It's not that big of a deal. But see, you're not recognizing how the little cut Left uncared for becomes infected as more scratches land on that same wound. It's just a little cut, but it leaves an opening for disease. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt you, they say, right? Not true. It's better to stay quiet than regret your words, they say. Not necessarily true. If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all. But in following that age-old advice, sometimes you hurt yourself. So I've learned in decades of working with individuals and couples and from my own experiences and relationships that it's the things we don't say that hurt us the most. It's the things we don't say that hurt our relationships the most. It's the I love yous left unsaid, the I'm sorries that were never voiced, but it's also the that's not okay and you hurt me that never cross our lips that hurt us Eventually, because they undermine the relationship. Now, I don't watch TV generally, but I happened to pass by one when it was on, and I caught an interview with Shaquille O'Neal about Kobe Bryant. Of all the people that were being interviewed, there was like a panel— probably most people have seen this— there were a panel of basketball players being interviewed, and Shaquille's tears were flowing the hardest out of all of them. And you could tell that he was really torn up over the loss of Kobe. And the words he said hammered my statement home. He regretted not all the things that he said to Kobe, and he said a lot of things. They had a contentious relationship as teammates on the Lakers. Everybody knows that. There are lots of mean things that were said. Never once did he talk about regretting any of those things that were said between the two of them. What he talked about and what he said he regretted is what he didn't say. He regretted not telling Kobe how much he admired him, not connecting with him, not making it right between the two of them, not reaching out and having that phone call. That's what he regretted. And although mean words hurt, no doubt about it, the lack of truthful, honest words hurts a relationship more. That lack creates a chasm that is sometimes too vast to cross, at which point a relationship can really just self-destruct. Something magical happens when we speak our truth in relationships. A lot of people will think, well, but it can cause unnecessary harm. I'll offend my spouse, or I'll make my partner angry. And yes, the truth does sometimes hurt, but the truth spoken over a silent lie heals all. Is there something that you need to speak in truth in your relationship today? Do you know that if you keep quiet, resentment grows? That resentment is never secret because it comes out in little, horrible, ugly ways. And it magically goes away when it's spoken. I had a client who was literally ready to leave her husband. She was done with the relationship. She'd convinced herself that she couldn't even speak to him. She couldn't be real with him, and she was so angry for so many things. Now, she was angry for good reason. He tended to blow up at all the littlest things. He had a temper, and he was really difficult to get along with. But when she finally had had enough and she confronted him in session about all the things over the years that had hurt her, guess what? He did get angry, and he could barely stay in session because he was so angry. But you know what? He heard her. She needed to move past her fear of his anger because of her truth. And after that session, when she learned to speak to him even when it hurt to say, even when it hurt him to hear, Her desire to leave the relationship disappeared. They, both of them, came into the next session holding hands and smiling. She had released all of her bitterness and anger by speaking the truth. Now, that wasn't a one-and-done. She kept on talking, and she's still talking, but it's different now. It's not all drenched in bitterness. It's laced with hope that her husband hears her, that her words matter. And even more than that, that her truthful words can save the relationship. What things have you left unspoken that are damaging your relationship? Do you imagine that you can't speak it? Well, if that's what you think, the best news ever is that you're wrong. Speak your truth in love. You've got this. Reach out if you need some more help. Next up is Ask Dr. Zoe. I haven't answered questions on this podcast in quite a while, but I got a question from a listener and I wanted to go ahead and address it. It's a relationship question. Although it's not related to the things unspoken that I just talked about today, it's still a relationship issue, so I want to talk about it. This listener said, I was interested in your thoughts on sincere apologies. When someone apologizes about something they don't remember because they were drinking, but they're sorry they hurt you, it's frustrating for the person who was hurt because there were specific behaviors that person is apologizing but can't take ownership of. However, they seem sincerely sorry about hurting you. Does that somehow make it okay? Thanks for your insight that you can provide. Anything done wrong to you is never okay, so let's start with that. Just because somebody apologizes doesn't ever make it okay, and you can forgive someone and it still doesn't make what they did to you okay. So let's get super clear about that. Now, your spouse, I think maybe your husband or your partner, apologized for doing something he doesn't remember when he was drinking, so there's a lot of issues going on there. First of all, he's drinking so much that he's, you know, not in control of himself. And that's a whole nother topic. But you're right, he's apologizing for something he doesn't remember doing. And so in some ways that can make the apology seem insincere. So what he really should be apologizing for and what you guys should really be addressing is the fact that he's getting himself to a place where he can't control himself and is then hurting you because you can't address the thing at all, really. If he doesn't remember doing it, that's not the issue. That's not something that you guys can talk about. It's not something that he can prevent except through not drinking to the extent that he loses his senses. So I kind of feel like you're barking up the wrong tree. You were hurt by something he said or did. You didn't make that clear. And he was inebriated when he did it. And you want to feel that somehow maybe that didn't count or, or it's okay because he apologized for it. Reality is, It counts. He hurt you. But the biggest hurt is that he allowed himself to get there in the first place. So that's what you have to address. And you didn't mention whether that was something that you spoke up about, but in some ways this can relate to the thing that we talked about today about the things unspoken, because the real thing you and your partner need to be talking about is his drinking. So I hope that helps. And certainly it's important to forgive, but it doesn't ever have to make it okay. And as always, reach out if you need some more help. So thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. And if you'd like to connect with me and get my almost weekly emails, you can do so by texting the word strong to 38470. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, redefining your superwoman with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of— The Dr. Zoe Show.
