What To Do When You and Your Partner Disagree on a Big Issue

Maybe he's a Republican and you're a Democrat. Maybe he thinks COVID is a scam and you're fearful of your health. Maybe he doesn't care about the movement and you consider yourself an ally. Or maybe it's another pretty big issue in your marriage. What do you do when you and your otherwise amazing partner just can't agree? Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationship in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new kind of strong. Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Hey there, welcome! I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. Today's topic is when you and your partner disagree about the big issues, or maybe even just one big issue. Isn't that enough? But before we get started, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. So my win, I'm excited to share with you guys today. I signed a contract for my first book deal! Yay! I'm pretty excited about it, even though the next 2 months are going to be Really writing intense? This publisher reached out to me to write this book, so it's not the memoir that I'm writing or any of the other projects I have going on right now. It's a year-long guide to self-care, and who couldn't use that, right? I'm, I'm helping myself writing this book, and it aligns so well with my brand and my message. So it's going to be out by the end of the year, and I'll be super excited to share it with you. I'm not sure exactly what the title's gonna be yet, but basically it's a year-long guide to self-care. So for my fail, y'all, it's okay if you write me and tell me that basically this is TMI, but I'm gonna talk about it anyway. I didn't wear any deodorant to the office today. So here's the deal. I'm really into natural deodorant because I can't stand the chemically laden commercial brands, but I have a problem because I'm also allergic to baking soda. Which I will never understand because I can eat food with baking soda in it, but if I put baking soda on my skin, I break out into oozy, painful rashes. It's just not pretty. So it's hard for me to wear a lot of the more natural deodorants. So basically I have to order them online, ones that specifically do not have baking soda, and somehow I have run out and I can't just go to the local store to pick it up. So I ordered it on Amazon. So hopefully it will be here tomorrow. But for today, I am sans deodorant. Luckily, I only have one client and most of my day is writing today. I do have a podcast interview, but they can't smell me because it's remote. Enough about my armpits. Okay, so enough about my armpits. I do share my wins and my fails because, hey, life is real and let's not pretend that it isn't. Let's celebrate all the good and learn from the bad. And I'm glad you guys can't smell me. So today's topic is when you and your partner disagree about the big issues. I remember talking about this last election, so almost 4 years ago now, because when a lot— when big issues come up in our society, it's very often that it causes rifts in families, and sometimes it causes rifts in relationships and marriages. And so I'm going to talk about it again, when you and your partner disagree about the big stuff. So first, you've got to decide Is this a deal-breaker? It doesn't necessarily have to be a deal-breaker, but you have to be really honest with yourself about how you feel about this issue now and long-term and all the ways that it can manifest in your life moving forward. Does this issue touch on your core values? If so, it could be a non-negotiable deal-breaker, but not necessarily. Only you can answer this question yourself, but you must remove some layers of denial in order to be able to do that. So you've got to ask yourself, why do you feel that you two have to agree on this issue? And can you be happy if each position never changes? So if it's not a deal breaker but it's still a really big issue, then the good news is that many couples can make it work with differences like differing religious beliefs, political beliefs. I wouldn't suggest it because it does make things a little harder, But sometimes you get way far into a relationship or even in a marriage before some of these issues are revealed. This mostly happens because one or both of you have changed your idea on an issue for some reason, or in the beginning when you were first getting together, this issue just wasn't on either of your radars as a big thing to investigate before you got married. But now it is because now it matters. And you might be feeling stuck. So on these big issues where compromise isn't really an option, then yeah, you're gonna have to in some way agree to disagree. But how do you hold your beliefs strongly and maintain the relationship at the same time? It isn't easy, strong woman. It's not easy at all, but it is doable. So first, you've got to let go of your expectation of the perfect fit partner. Although, you know, there might be 1% of the population who seem to just fit each other like a glove, but that's not the norm. And that's okay. He's different than you are, and he experiences the world very differently. Now, I'm not telling you that you have to settle when I say you need to let go of your expectations. You don't ever settle. But it may not be realistic to think that you two will always agree on everything, even the big things. Relationships can actually stand a healthy dose of disagreement, as long as both also have a healthy dose of respect for each other. Next, it's super important to understand that all behavior makes sense in its context, which means that there's a very good reason why your partner disagrees with you. In fact, it actually makes complete sense if you dissect the evolution of how he came to be. The way he thinks is a combination of his personality intersecting with his environment and teachings during his foundational years and what he chooses Or happens to expose himself to currently. Now listen up, you can understand how he came to be the way he is, you can understand why he thinks the way he thinks without actually agreeing with him. And that's super important because you do not want to lose yourself and your own values in the midst of trying to understand him. Now, if you feel that the thing that you disagree on is a moral issue, don't be afraid to call it what it is. You have to speak your truth in order to have any health in a relationship, but it's also important to understand You need to understand that he sees it differently. He doesn't see it as a moral issue. You see it as a moral issue. You also need to recognize that you can actually learn from each other. Yeah, even if he is so far removed from your way of thinking, if you are open to allowing him to educate you, you might learn something. And if you're not trying to shove your own rhetoric down his throat, he may be open to hearing your view on a certain issue as well. I have a acquaintance who is a vegan and her husband is not, and they've been married for many years. And she is very staunch in her veganism and her belief in why she's vegan. And she has managed over, I don't know, maybe 18 years to not get into those disagreements with him. For her, she kind of feels like it's a moral issue. She has been quiet and staunch in her feelings, and he is actually becoming a vegan, which is crazy. Not because she shoved it down his throat, not because she lectured him and made him feel badly about his stance, but because she modeled her life consistently, and he began to respect and listen and change his viewpoint. Now what I am not telling you is that he's going to change. He most likely won't, but you can learn from each other, and your biggest chance of having him change at all is for you to have that open stance as well. Now it may be a huge issue like racism, which is a current battle that I'm seeing in my clients right now. You may feel that your spouse holds some racial biases And you might feel like you can't even live with him anymore. Now, I know this sounds difficult, but think back to when your eyes were opened to the issues. Maybe you're a person of color and your eyes have always been open to the issues, but regardless, but regardless, you can think about issues that you may have been ignorant of until you were taught. We humans don't learn well from a defensive stance. You need to first engage him from a place of understanding, with a desire to educate and not condemn. And then you need to educate yourself on his internal world, his struggles and experiences, to help you understand how he came to holding the beliefs that he does. If you are truly demonstrating a desire to know your partner deeply, you will get rewarded with a happier relationship and deeper connection. And that means he's going to be more open to hearing your point of view. And you need to have respect. I talked before about the 4 signs of divorce, and one of the big ones is Not having a respect for each other. So generally, I would tell you that you need to respect your partner as an individual and respect his way of thinking when you two are at opposite ends of the spectrum. But if his way of thinking is nothing that you can respect, you can still be respectful in the way that you approach the topic, then work towards understanding it without compromising your beliefs in any way. And don't bring up the topic just to argue. I know that happens. You've got to get rid of dialogue that says, I'm right and you're wrong. Instead, say, we disagree. Any language that has you two agreeing on anything, even if you're agreeing to disagree, is better than divisive language. Use I statements instead of blaming you statements. And if you do need to have a discussion about it, do so in a logical way that removes as much emotion as possible. Each one of you guys can create a list that states your position and why you feel the way that you do, and then you can give it to each other. Sometimes just writing down your thoughts and the logic behind it can reveal some gaps in your own thinking or vice versa, and it can help remove the emotion that allows you to actually be able to see your partner's stance more clearly. Last, leave social media out of it. I'm gonna say it again, stay off the social media. I've seen spouses arguing on social media. I've seen spouses taking stance and getting into huge fights about social media posts and rhetoric, here's the reality. You should not be wasting your time arguing with anybody on social media, and the very last person you should be arguing with is your spouse. Do not disagree with your spouse openly on social media. Both agree that that is a neutral territory. And maybe if you do feel the need to speak out on social media, then what you can do is agree with your spouse that you won't look at each other's social media, that maybe you'll unfriend each other just so that that doesn't get in the middle of your marriage. If he wants to post his stuff, If he wants to post stuff in his thinking somewhere and you want to post yours, that's fine, but it shouldn't be connected in such a way that you are communicating directly or indirectly through social media posts. Your marriage is way more valuable to sink to that level. Now, John Gottman said that almost 70% of a couple's problems will stay with them throughout the duration of their relationship. So you guys don't have to see eye to eye on everything in order to have a healthy relationship. It is important that you agree on most of the big issues, but disagreeing on one, even if it's a big one, doesn't have to be a deal-breaker. Your marriage is way more important than which one of you is right. So instead, focus on the places of connection and agreement in your relationship. So remember why you fell in love to begin with and work on appreciating your differences. I know it can be painful when you and your spouse don't agree on something so very important to you. It isn't easy at all, ever, but it is doable. You've got this. Reach out if you need some help. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38470 to get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.