Dr. Zoe Shaw explains how past wounds create triggers in romantic relationships, turning old pain into overreactions to your partner's present behavior. She outlines steps to identify your triggers, distinguish them from legitimate anger, and communicate without blame, emphasizing that healing your inner child through self-work is where the real payoff lives.
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Hi there, I'm Dr. Zoe. I'm glad you're here. This is the place for developing your strength as a woman and helping you navigate difficult relationships in your life, including that sometimes difficult relationship with yourself. Being a strong woman is not about what other people can see, and it's not about how loud you are about it. It's a quiet knowing. This isn't therapy, but you may feel like you've been to therapy after one of my episodes. Here, we also explore the intersection of psychology and faith, all with the purpose of creating a new Welcome to Redefining Your Superwoman. Hey there, welcome! I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we're talking about how to deal when your partner triggers you. But before we get started, as usual, my win and my fail. I signed a book contract last week! Yes! If you've been following me, no, this is not my memoir. I'm still writing, I'm on the second draft, and finishing up the second draft of my memoir, which has now been put on a little bit of a hold, but this isn't it. It's still going to be coming out hopefully next year. But this book that I just contracted for is a self-care guide titled A Year of Self-Care, and who couldn't use that, especially now, right? So I'm really excited. I also have a very strict deadline, and this company requests a very quick turnaround, so it's gonna be intense, but I'm really excited about it, and my book should be in print and available by The end of this year. So my fail: I got into a political debate with my mother. And although we actually agree on most points, this unfortunately is one that we don't. And it was a complete waste of time. And I know better, y'all. I've written articles on this stuff. I've given interviews about this, about having political conversations with your family, with your spouse, and how not to do it, basically. And although it didn't disintegrate into anything unhealthy, my mom is awesome, I love her, I still didn't need to speak up. I know my mom's position, and I surely know she's not going to be changing it, so I didn't need to waste my time. And sometimes you just need to know when to shut up. I think that as I've grown, I've learned to speak my mind, and I value that skill and ability that I've grown in myself because I haven't always been that way. But some things just don't need to be said, and that's not weakness, that's actually wisdom, which in that moment I lacked. But we also gain wisdom by making mistakes. We learn from them. I'm definitely wiser today. So on to the topic, how to deal when your partner triggers you. What is a trigger anyway? Basically, you can't live in this world for any decent amount of time without collecting some wounds. Experiences of being unheard, devalued, deceived, criticized, or betrayed are basically examples of what these wounds can look like. And so once you've been wounded, you're often on the lookout, something we call hypervigilance, to make sure that you don't get hurt again. And it's basically a self-preservative defense mechanism. It's good, especially from your childhood, because you need to protect yourself, right? If you were hit often, you're probably going to flinch if someone moves quickly you, that's good because you've learned to protect yourself. Whereas someone else who hasn't been abused, that's not even on their radar. They won't even respond that way. And so yes, it was a good thing that you learned to be hypervigilant so that you could protect yourself, but it is also a defense mechanism that is no longer needed, and on top of that, is now damaging to your life. And this system works the same from an emotional level, right? It only takes a hint of the original pain to cause a reaction in you. And usually what happens when we're triggered is that our response is really an overreaction because we're responding to something from the past. We're not just responding to that person who accidentally bumped you, right? Or to the insinuation that your husband made that maybe something you did wasn't good enough. Your overreaction to that wasn't about that, but it was about what that means to you from the past and the fact that he touched a very deep wound. Your reaction is based on something that actually doesn't exist in your reality today. And when we overreact with our partners, they don't understand why we're freaking out over such a tiny thing, which in turn ignites their frustration and their anger, and then they respond in a defensive way, which could trigger us some more and just create another wound. And so basically, in doing that, you've created the very thing that you feared. And if your overreaction is actually a trigger of their own, well, you've just started World War III over nothing that's actually happening in the present. But the hurt is very real. That's real. A wound has been opened and it's really painful. I had to explain to my husband what a trigger was because the first time I told him that something he did triggered me, he was like, what? What are you talking about? And it was actually a good thing because I could explain to him how his action triggered me. But I was able to explain it in such a way that I wasn't blaming him for what he did. So by the way, your trigger is your issue, not your spouse's. If you can understand and explain your triggers to your spouse, that still doesn't make it his problem to fix and avoid. You don't want to be a minefield that someone needs to tiptoe around. You need to take responsibility for your own issues, but be considerate enough to let your spouse know what he's dealing with at the same time. But here's another catch. Sometimes the trigger really is about your spouse. Maybe he cheated on you in the past. Maybe he has wounded you in some other way and you've worked through it, but you're still super sensitive to that happening again. If he is the one that wounded you, it's still a trigger, but it's more of a you-two issue than just a you issue. This is where you have to be super intentional about knowing yourself. This is where you've got to go deep And you need to answer questions honestly for yourself about what your wounds are and from where they came. So how can you distinguish if it's a trigger and you're just projecting, or you're justifiably mad at your partner for something he did? First, you've got to identify your wounds. Tell me about your wounded child. I mean, you can't tell me because I'm here and you're there, but if I was working with you, I'd want to know about her. Who wounded her and how? What is she worried is going to happen again? Those, my dear friends, are your triggers. If you don't learn to work on healing her, you'll see those threats everywhere, and it's going to manifest themselves in your relationships. Now, I know that these feelings can be super scary and they can be super painful, and it's actually much easier to blame somebody else than to own them and work through them yourself. That's called denial. But if you find yourself saying, he always, and he never, those are really global statements, and you need to ask yourself, is this really true? When you find yourself getting so very upset, ask yourself, what was the offending behavior? What did he do? And is it one of my triggers? And it's also important to go to your partner and say, I'm sorry, I got triggered because of this or that, whatever it is, and that's why I overreacted. Now it's also possible that a behavior that you're not okay with is also a trigger, and you've got to address that as well. You can just tell them, hey, listen, even though I was triggered and my reaction wasn't totally about that, I'm still not okay with that behavior in our relationship. That's you speaking your mind and being honest, and those kinds of things do need to be said. It's really important that you also know your partner's triggers too, but if your relationship is not healthy enough where the two of you guys can explore them together, that's okay. This is a do-it-yourself project. And did I also mention that you should get some help? Because whether it's processing with a friend or reading a lot of self-help about healing your wounds, you've got some work to do and the dividend payoffs are huge. Reach out if you need some help. You've got this. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up every Tuesday. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode and text the word strong to 38477. To get my weekly encouragement. I look forward to connecting with you amazing women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week!
