What to Do While You’re Single and Waiting for Love

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I am so glad that you are here. Today we're talking about what to do while you are single and waiting for love. First up, my win and my fail, which I share every week. My win is that I started a new schedule for myself in the morning. I've had the same schedule forever where I get up early at 5, I have my first couple of hours of the day, which include prayer, writing, workout. And I found that my writing and my workouts have been suffering. Like, I've not been doing enough writing and not been doing enough in my workouts. And I've really been influenced by the book Deep Work and by Emily P. Freeman and her podcast, The Next Right Thing. Well, her podcast focuses on doing the next right thing, but she talks a lot about creativity and productivity. And so I've changed up my schedule, and so now I am only working out every other day instead of every day, and I'm writing every other day. And so I'm getting more focused time on each, and it's been a win. I'm seeing gains and results, so that's my win. And I encourage you to do that too. If you notice that even something that has maybe been working for you for a while isn't working anymore, switch it up, do something new, see if something different might increase your productivity, creativity, your just overall feeling of wellbeing. So my fail, guys, I missed a podcast. I hate it when I miss a podcast, but I also have to recognize I have to give myself grace sometimes because life happens. And my husband had some complications after his surgery. He's doing well, but it just, you know, took more out of my week than I had to give when it comes to my work. And so I had to cancel some clients. I didn't get some writing done. Even my A proposal that's due to my agent didn't get done. So, you know, I say I'm listing it in my fails, but it is not a fail. This is life. Sometimes our well-made plans don't work out. And so it sucks because I don't like to miss a week on my podcast. I don't like to miss deadlines. I don't like to have to cancel clients, but it's not an actual fail. It's a disappointment. But I bring it up because it's real and we have to learn to walk through those things. And I'm walking through it and doing great. So I'm sorry I missed a week, but I'm so glad to be back. And I'm really excited about this topic, what to do when you're single and waiting. You know, none of the things that I write about are new because nothing's new under the sun, right? But maybe my spin about them is unique, or maybe it's just good for you to hear these things again. But ultimately, I'm holding space for this one moment in time for you to focus on this aspect of your life. So if you're single, or if you're waiting, or if you're single and waiting, I'm sure you've already been doing all the things. I'm sure you've been focusing on yourself. I'm sure you've been doing your self-care and upleveling. I hope you have. And you probably feel like you've got a good handle on that, but there's this one glaring hole in your life. You want a life partner. And honestly, this episode can apply to anyone who's waiting. Waiting for love, waiting for life to start, waiting for a season to end, waiting for the death of a terminally ill loved one. There's so much waiting in our life, but today I'm going to talk to ones waiting for love. Now I've been married for 27 years. I met my hubby when I was 18. So many of you may be wondering, how do you even know what it's like to be waiting on a partner when you never did? You were like a child when you met your husband. You're right, I didn't wait for that, and we can never fully understand the internal world of another. But I've been doing the work that I've been doing for over 20 years, working with women and walking this journey of living and thriving while waiting, among many other journeys I've walked with women. And I've had access to a little private door not often walked through. Through this door, I have sat with the waiting, and I've also had my own journey of waiting. My husband and I were married for 7 years before we had our first child. I had placed my first daughter for adoption when I was 16, and I desperately wanted to be a mother in ways different probably than someone who's never had it briefly and then given it up before. We waited until I graduated from college to start trying and nothing happened. So in the waiting, I had nothing else to do. And so I decided to go to grad school, which was something I kind of always wanted to do, But I wanted to be a mother more. And after 2 years of grad school, I finished with my master's degree in marriage and family therapy, and still no pregnancy. So I figured I might as well go on and get my doctorate because it was something I always kind of wanted to do, and I was vastly interested in psychology. I loved it. But I would have never gone if I had had the baby that I so desperately wanted. 3 years later, when I'm closer to the end of finishing my doctorate, I had given up the idea that I would have a child someday. I literally one day decided I'm going to stop. I put up all my baby magazine gear stuff that I had cut out and all the things I was saving for when in a bag. I tied up the bag and I put it in the cabinet and I closed the door. It was just too painful to keep hoping and wanting and, and letting my energy and mind focus on that. And of course, as life would have it, when I had given up hope, that's when I became pregnant. No reason why, I wasn't doing anything different. And I was too far along at that time in my doctoral program to quit, in my opinion, and so I decided to finish. And it took me a little longer because I was a mom now, and I actually had a second son. I got pregnant with him easily a little over a year later. Go figure. And I graduated with my doctorate in clinical psychology with 2 children at my ceremony. I am convinced that had I gotten what I really wanted when I wanted it, I would not be where I am today with a career. And you know, even when I say the word career, my work feels like way more than a career and more than a business, although it's both. It feels like a mission. I wouldn't have this life's mission and the life that I absolutely love if I had gotten what I wanted. And I still got what I wanted. I still got the family, just not in my timing. I got it in God's timing. And now looking back, I know that it was the best. So yes, I tied that all up with a nice little bow, and you might be thinking, that's all very nice for you, Dr. Zoe, but What about me? You're still here waiting and you're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and these guys you're meeting are not good candidates. You've done all the things and you're ready, but it's not happening. Now what for you? You know, I almost forget what it's like to wait sometimes because it's all good now, but I force myself to remember when I'm sitting with a woman and waiting. And maybe because I've waited for 7 years, I can wait with you now. So what advice do I have to give to you? First, I know it's tempting, but I implore you not to settle. Okay guys, you know about the list. I hope you know about the list that all single women should have. I've talked about it before on the podcast, and this is paramount because the hardest thing to do when you're waiting is to maintain your standards. I've worked with countless women who will admit that their current relationship is not what they want, or the guy they were just dating or the guy they're dating right now is not marriage material. But it's quickly followed up with, but it's not that bad, and the dating world is so tough, Dr. Zoe, you don't know how bad it is out there, and at least I know what I have. And this breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because it's hard for you now to fathom what the rest of your life means when you make that commitment. I know you can think about it logically, but it's so different when you're in it. And I see too many women on the other side of settling that makes me say in the most resounding— No. Voice that I can, don't do it. Your life right now is better. Wait. So my advice is to make your non-negotiable list when you are not in a relationship and commit to ending it, ending any relationship you get yourself into the second anyone demonstrates a non-negotiable. I'll talk more about non-negotiable lists. Maybe I need to do a whole podcast on the list. I'll probably do that sometime. I have to check to make sure I haven't done that already. Next, and I'm saying this one because number one, it's the truth, and number two, I'm not just gonna give you all the stuff that everybody else has said. You can go on the internet and find that. So I'm gonna tell you what I really know to be true. Date people you aren't attracted to. Wait, what? I know you're thinking I've gone off the deep end here. I didn't say date someone you're repulsed by. I don't want you to do that. But if the sparks aren't there immediately, especially if you tend to be attracted to guys who aren't that great for you, go ahead and date the guy who looks Looks good on paper, your paper, your list, not anyone else's list, and see if something develops. Ladies, that early, lusty, exciting limerence is what it's called, does not a lifetime make or last. You need to date the guy who has the qualities of the husband you want, not the guy that makes you lose all of your adult senses, and that feels great. And sometimes they're packaged together, and that's fantastic, but that's not always the case. So don't overlook that possibility. Next, stop asking what's wrong with you. Nothing's wrong with you. Well, I don't know you, so something could be wrong with you, but that's not the reason why you're not coupled up. I know plenty of people with plenty of things wrong with them who are coupled up multiple times, so that's not it. And stop talking to yourself that way. If you truly feel you need to work on some things— and who doesn't— get some help. Read some books, seek therapy, but don't put yourself down. Nothing's wrong with you. That's not the reason why you're not coupled up. Number 4, answer those what-ifs. I know that the waiting can be excruciating, and in the process you ask yourself all kinds of questions that strike fear in your heart. What if all the good guys are taken? What if by the time I meet the right one, I'm too old to have the family that I want? What if there's something wrong with me? We talked about that. What if I'm going to be alone forever? I know it's almost impossible to not ask yourself these questions, so if you're going to do it, you must answer them thoroughly. When you ask yourself a question and you don't answer it, you leave your brain hanging, and that causes and increases anxiety. When you answer the question, your brain calms down and it can let it go. If it asks again, you can remind yourself of the answer and move on with your life. So let's look at that. I encourage you to write down your what-ifs and write down your answers. So if the question is, what if all the good guys are taken? And you just leave your brain there, oh, you're just torturing yourself. Instead, let's go down that path. First of all, they're not. There are billions of people in this world. And yeah, in your little town or wherever you want to, you know, the area that you want to date in, there's a lot less than that. I get that. But they're not all taken. And men are being released out of relationships regularly, whether they break up with a girlfriend, get divorced, have a spouse that dies, moves into your town. They're not all taken. So you need to go ahead and remind your brain of this regularly. And you're not looking for all of them. You're just waiting for the one, and he'll come along. Next, find your next right thing. Waiting is a verb, right? It's something you're doing, but it's not the only thing you're doing. You gotta live life while you're waiting. Waiting is just knowing that the time is passing by, that there's nothing for you to do but live the life you're supposed to live. So find your passions, pursue them with abandon. And a side note about that, you'll meet a lot of people pursuing your passions, and it actually makes you more attractive. So go ahead and do all those things that Google's already going to tell you to do. Take the class, read the books, go find things you're interested in and start diving into them. Oh, and here's a big one. While you are waiting, please know that when your person does come into your life, he will not save you. He will not complete you or make you whole. If you're waiting on that, stop. That, my friend, is a do-it-yourself thing, and you have every single thing you need to do that. Corrie Copeland, in a wonderful article entitled Being Single Is Okay, Okay, said, we can breathe easy knowing that while we may ache for the completion of another, being single is actually okay. Within those somewhat lonely nights full of painful growth, we are being made whole. I think that is so beautiful. Number 5, do the things you want to do in your life. This goes along with what I just said. I hope you have a goal list that spans 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. I reevaluate my goals every year, sometimes every 6 months, and I hope that your marriage is on there if that's what you're waiting for, because I know how important it is to write down and put to voice your goals. But don't put them off waiting for you to be coupled up. So many women will tell me, oh, I'm waiting until I'm married to do that. Don't. Marriage is not the beginning of your life. You are living right here and right now. This is your life, and it's beautiful in so many ways, even when it's not what you expected. So don't put off that around-the-world trip. Don't wait to buy your first house. Get out of your comfort zone. If you're over 35, don't wait to have a baby. Do life now. And number 6 or 7 or 8, I don't know which one this is. Have faith, trust, rest in that your person will come when the time is right, and you will see the unfolding of God's plan. And I'm going to leave you with Corrie Copeland's words, who's also waiting. I'm content in knowing that I can be fulfilled in God and in my own path without having to desperately cling to another beating heart. It is by no means a walk in the proverbial park to be single, and there are excruciating growing pains to go through. But in those moments of loneliness, in those moments of seeded exploration, we begin to discover just how self-sustaining we can be. We begin to unearth the real us. We learn things about ourselves that we may never have known before. We find new talents and ambitions that may have otherwise been buried by our decadent union. No, being alone is not necessarily fun, but it is okay. Being single, if seen as an opportunity rather than a condition, is something we can learn from. So my friend, when you are rushing to get out of this stage, you are missing the beauty that's right in front of your face. It's okay to be single. Okay? You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes come out on Tuesdays. Tuesdays. Hit me up on Insta. I love to hear from you, and have a strong week.