When You Compare Your Relationship and Yours Comes Up Short

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today's topic is when you're jealous of other people's relationships. But first up, my win and my fail. My fail is that I put too much hope and faith and belief in Amazon, and Amazon failed me. It was my husband's birthday, and before Amazon, I would plan way ahead. I would go shopping or order his gift weeks in advance of his birthday. But with just 3 days before my husband's birthday, that's plenty of time for a procrastinator in Amazon land. That's like right on time, right? But the very day I went shopping, which is the last day before Prime, of course, could get it there on time, Amazon's site crashed. Has that ever happened to you? I mean, that's not supposed to happen. I Googled, what's going on with Amazon? And immediately there were 8,000 other people who had already logged in their complaints about Amazon not working at that exact time. And I think I had maybe 40 minutes before I could order that gift. So I was up a creek because I had to work all day the next 2 days, and I couldn't leave the house and go shopping, and it would look like I hadn't planned for my husband's birthday. Of course I had. My plan was Amazon, and Amazon failed me, making me look like a bad wife. Then I realized, once I thought about the fact that this is probably going to be my fail for the week, that as much as I wanted to blame Amazon, I knew better than to be so reliant on technology, and I knew better than to— Wait until the last minute because when things go wrong, we all know the saying. So there's my fail. Lesson learned again and again. Hopefully this time it will stick. And if you have lessons that sometimes have to come to you a number of times, you're not alone, my friend. They will keep coming until you figure it out. Okay, so my win, and I don't even know why— I kind of know why this is a win, but My son, my baby son, started his senior year today, and it just crept up on me. Like, I didn't realize it till this morning. It just hit me. Whoa, that's my baby. This is his last year. And here we go. I took the picture. He drove himself to school. And as I look at him— and I don't know why I'm calling it a win because it's like a bittersweet thing. I'm feeling sad and proud all at the same time. And I might mention, my girls are with my mom right now. They're in Maryland. So I'm at my house right now at this second all by myself, and it's quiet, and this is rare, rare. And it's a little peek into empty nest. And although my baby's just 8, I know it's going to be a long time, but my older son is, you know, off to college. He's leaving here in a couple of weeks, and then now Sage is starting his senior year, and it just makes me reflect on how proud I am. Of this boy child that I birthed and have raised, that we have raised. And yet also I'm feeling so very sad that he's going to be launching in less than a year now. And I want to call it a win because I want to take credit for it. But as much as I want to take credit for it, I just feel like instead it's just a blessing that I've had an honor to walk beside this boy and raise him into a man. I don't, I certainly can't take credit for all of the amazingness that he is because God created him and God has a purpose for his life. But it's just a win I'm feeling today, a bittersweet win. And for any of you mamas out there, I mean, all of our kids are starting school right now, right? And so it's a new year for them. It's a new, you know, another year older. And for some of you, you might have seniors. I put together this journal called Letters to My Seniors, and I've been meaning to get it published and I just haven't. And that's actually probably my fail for today, actually, too. is that I meant to get it published before Sage started his senior year, and I haven't, but I know that it will serve women. And, you know, if any of you guys are out there and you have high school seniors and you want to participate in Letters to My Senior, I have a little journal. I would be happy to email it to you, and you can go through journaling to your senior this year. Send me a DM or an email, and I'd be happy to do that. So on to the topic. I used to be that woman who sometimes felt jealous of other people's relationships. You know, those couples who finish each other's sentences, do everything together, say they never fight, are truly the best of friends, and maybe even wear matching outfits on vacations. They're joined at the hip and they say they wouldn't want it any other way. The ones who make marriage look so incredibly dreamy and make mine look like it comes up short. And I know you've been there. You may not have even been thinking about your marriage in any negative way until you spot them on social media or you hang out with them at an event, and all of a sudden your Your relationship pales in comparison, and you find yourself feeling less than, having negative, resentful feelings about your spouse, when before you might have been just fine. I had these same feelings until one day, one of those Ken and Barbie couples showed up in my practice. On the outside, they were #couplesgoals, and on the inside, they were crumbling under so much dysfunction— eating disorders, addiction, sexual dysfunction, psychological disorders. The list goes on and on. And one of the main things that was holding them together was not love, but their couple image. I never looked at a couple with envy in that same way again. And I'm not saying that all couples that are enviable are hiding something, not at all. I'm just saying that judging those kinds of books by the covers robs you of the present joy in your own relationship. And you're getting robbed for a fantasy, a facade, not even reality. Couple envy, like all other types of envy, is completely normal. So let me first say that it's normal to look at another couple and go, oh, I wish we had that, or wow, you know, he's so sweet, or, or, you know, I would really like to figure out how to have that in my relationships. It's totally normal to compare. Not the healthiest thing, but it is normal. You know, basically the shiny new car always looks better than our tried and true Decade-old vehicle. But it should stop there at a, oh, that's nice, and not rage into a roaring fire that threatens to destroy your relationships. We tend to have couple envy when we feel like there's something missing from our own relationship. If we're not feeling solid in our marriage, the grass on the other side doesn't just look greener, it looks lusher, it looks more vibrant, and our own less flashy lawn Looks like dirt, and that doesn't feel good at all. But what does relationship comparison do to you and your relationships? It kills them. It's a slow death. It takes all the good and just squeezes it out of it. It makes you feel incapable, resentful, anxious, fearful, angry. Comparison isn't just a waste of time. It damages us in small, seemingly innocuous ways, like repeated paper cuts that get infected. The more you compare your relationship to someone else's, the emptier you become. That relationship she has with her daughter, that loving, considerate husband, the mother who looks like the grandma you always wanted for your children, that perfect child who makes her mother look so good, a ride-or-die best friend like she has, the friend who got engaged and you're trying so hard to be happy for her when she hasn't even been single as long as you have. My friend, it is a lie that you would be happier with their children or a spouse like theirs or their life. You don't know what comes with their package. And besides, it's not your package. Your package is beautiful with all its bumps, all its lumps and scratches. And you can see the glorious beauty in it when you stop the comparisons. I was listening to Crystal Evans Hurst and she was talking about comparison and she said, you know, when you look at what God gave you in your life, when you look at your life, the things you have, the, the, your family, the people you have, and you think, I don't want that, it's not good enough, you're looking at God and saying, I don't like what you gave me. I don't like what you created. Now we could argue that, you know, you chose your spouse. God didn't choose your spouse. God gives us free will. I think that's a very valid argument. But God did make you who you are, and who you are is what attracted you to your spouse or vice versa. And the reality is, is that God's not surprised by who your spouse is. And on top of that, he can use all things for good. And so looking at her in the other lane and saying, I want what she has, is completely negating all that God has for you. One of my favorite movie quotes is from The Story of Us with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. It's about a couple. It's an older movie, I think probably in the late 1990s. It's about a couple who are married for 15 years and they were on the brink of divorce, already separated, I think, for most of the movie. And they found a spark back in their marriage. The scene that made me boohoo in the movie theater, while my husband slept, by the way, was when Michelle Pfeiffer said these words. It's a long quote, but I'm going to say some of them because I feel like it's just, it's just powerful. We're an us. There's a history here, and histories don't happen overnight. In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy, there are cities built on top of other cities. But I don't want another city. I like this city. I know what kind of mood you're in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher. And you know I'm a little quiet in the morning, and you compensate accordingly. That's a dance you perfect over time. And it's hard. It's much harder than I thought it would be. But there's more good than bad, and you don't just give up. And it's not for the sake of the children, but God, they're great kids, aren't they? And we made them. I mean, think about that. It's like there were no people there, and then there were people, and they grew. And I won't be able to say to some stranger that Josh has your hands. Or remember how Aaron threw up in the Lincoln Memorial? And let's face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves. I mean, why shouldn't it be your annoying traits? And I know I'm no day at the beach, but I do have a good sense of direction, so I can at least find the beach, which isn't a weakness of yours. It's a strength of mine. And God, you're a good friend, and good friends are hard to find. What I'm trying to say is I love you. I paraphrased a lot of it because it goes on and on, and Michelle said it so much better than I did. But what it boils down to is that we can see our relationship through a lens of deficiency, or we can see it through a lens of strength. It's the same relationship. One view makes us envious of others, and another view makes us thankful for what we have. This podcast is for those in sometimes difficult relationships, and in many ways, that's all of us. But for some of us, maybe there are more bad times than good. And I'm not trying to get you to look at your relationship through rose-colored glasses, but just to recognize that both lenses tell the truth. When we focus only on one, we rob ourselves of the beauty of the other. The reality is that when Stan finishes my sentences, I'm actually annoyed. He knows me well enough to do that, but it isn't so romantic as I had dreamed it to be, and it doesn't make me feel more loved. When you feel yourself slipping into the dangerous edge of relationship comparison, remind yourself of who you are. You are a child of God crafted perfectly. You are living in a time uniquely designed for you. God is not confused. He did not make a mistake. He knows your desires and he knows your dreams that haven't come true. He's not punishing you, but he is shaping you. He put those very people in your life that you love and sometimes wish were different, and he knows exactly why, because he has a bird's-eye view that you are not privy to. We all have a load to carry. Focus on your load. People in our lives will always be lacking in some way, no matter who they are, because we're all human and all humans lack. We all have deficiencies. So focus, at least sometimes, choose to focus on their strengths. We all have things in our life that we wish were different, especially when we look at what she has and what we don't. Instead, focus on what you love about what you do have. So if you find yourself feeling envious, here's your homework. Number 1, ask yourself, what do I feel is missing from my own relationship? Is there something that I need to do to work towards change, or do I need to just accept my unique relationship for what it is? If you're jealous that the other couple spends a lot of time together, maybe find a way to increase your time spent with your significant other. If you feel they have a deeper intimacy than you do, try some fun exercises to get to know your partner better. There's some great couple question games that are fun and they help deepen intimacy at the same time. One is called Skin Deep. There's a lot of them. And so I'm going to actually put links to great relationship building and intimacy building games or questions that you can, or exercises that you can do with your spouse. If you're feeling jealous, then it's time to work on an acceptance mantra. Try saying these words to yourself regularly: I accept my partner for exactly who he is, flaws and all, just as I desire him to accept me. Repeat this often. Number 2, stay away from social media. We all know this. Nothing is true on there, not even what I post. I mean, it's true, but it's only a snapshot from a certain angle. Don't put pressure or strain on your own relationship because you're watching something unreal on social and feeling less than. Number 3, if there's a couple that you truly look up to, then talk to them. Ask them about their methods, their maintenance, ask for advice, listen, and then still remember that your relationship is unique. It's not like theirs. It's not cookie cutter. And what works for them may not work for you, and that's okay. But glean what you can and let go of the rest. Number 4, pick your battles. If you feel that your relationship is unhealthy, if you're struggling for what you may consider just baseline health and you feel the tugging, nagging, pulling towards jealousy when you look at other couples who have what you want, pick your battles. Choose the most important aspect of your relationship that you want to change, and for right now, let the others go. Tell your partner how you feel. And what types of change that you want out of the relationship. Be honest, but choose your battle. Remember, no relationship is perfect. And also the relationship goals couple is a fantasy, but you can make your own dream relationship out of the broken pieces of your hopes and dreams. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe, follow so you don't miss an episode and share with a friend. Check out those relationship building exercises that I put in the show notes and have a strong week.