In this episode of The Dr. Zoe Show, licensed psychotherapist and life‑relationship coach Dr. Zoe Shaw talks to women about the pervasive problem of relationship insecurity. She opens with a personal “Superwoman win” (a writing retreat) and a reflective “fail” about not celebrating life’s “lasts,” setting a tone of self‑awareness. Dr. Zoe then challenges the assumption that longer marriages automatically bring security, noting that insecurity can persist or even increase over time. She offers a series of practical, mindset‑focused strategies: (1) stop projecting your own meanings onto your partner’s actions and instead ask directly; (2) accept that you will never fully understand your spouse because of differing backgrounds and motivations; (3) recognize that the urge to control stems from fear and that controlling behaviors amplify insecurity; (4) trace the root of insecurity to past wounds (e.g., parental betrayal, previous relationship hurt) rather than trying to fix present symptoms; (5) build self‑esteem, as personal confidence correlates with relational security; (6) maintain healthy independence and interdependence, avoiding desperate neediness; (7) trust and test your intuition by recording gut feelings and reviewing outcomes; (8) evaluate whether insecurity is self‑generated or a sign of an unhealthy relationship dynamic. She concludes by encouraging listeners to construct their own emotional foundation, reminding them that strong women address and work through insecurities rather than walking a precarious tightrope. The episode ends with promotional calls to action for newsletters, social media, and future episodes.
Grab a cup of tea or listen as you go, ladies. This is your hour with Dr. Zoe, your life and relationship coach. With encouragement, on-point insight, inspiring guests, health tips, and advice, Dr. Zoe helps busy women keep their mind in the game by redefining your superwoman. You're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show.
Hey there, welcome to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a life and relationship coach, and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you online to help you get unstuck. Text the word strong to 38470 to connect with me. Today I'm talking about dealing with relationship insecurity, but first up, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. So my win is that I am on a writing retreat this weekend. My word for this year is finish, and I have a lot that I need to finish this year. So I'm sitting in my hotel recording this episode, looking out at the ocean, and my win is that I had to move earth and water. Is that how you say that saying? I had to move a lot of things to be able to leave my hubby and kids this weekend, but it worked out and I was able to leave, and so I'm going to get a lot done. And my fail— it's not really a fail, but really just an observation. I often fail to celebrate the lasts. We always celebrate the firsts: the first step, the first day of school, the first tooth. But what about those lasts? My son just got his driver's license yesterday, and I'm a little sad as I realize that I won't be driving him all over the place anymore. He's growing up just like my older son did, and he's taking care of himself, but I realized I didn't celebrate the last time I took him to school or the last day that he wasn't an independent driver. I think most of the reason that we don't celebrate the lasts is because we can't mark them like we do the firsts. We decided at the last minute to go to the DMV and see if we could do a drop-in and see if he could take the test, and then of course we didn't know if he was going to pass. So it all worked out, but we didn't know for sure. So we never know when the lasts are going to happen. I didn't know that was the last time I would drive him when he wasn't able to drive himself. So if you think about it, when was the last day you picked up your child and carried them to bed? When was the last time your baby crawled? When was the last day your child called you mommy instead of mom? And I'm right at that point now with my 7-year-old where I can still pick her up. And I can take her upstairs to bed, but I— she's at that point where I'm realizing that every day could be the last, and you probably don't remember those lasts. So, my friend, may we treasure all the moments knowing that they may be lasts as we look forward to all the wonderful firsts. So on to the topic, dealing with relationship insecurity. You would think that after you've been married, your insecurity about your relationship should dissipate. That the longer you stay together, it should resolve itself, right? Well, I haven't really seen this to be the case. Now, granted, I know my view is probably skewed because people who are happy and secure in their marriages don't show up at my door. They're not the ones sitting on my couch week after week. But what I have found is that there isn't a positive correlation between length of marriage and security in the relationship. In fact, sometimes there's an inverse correlation. And it really pains my heart to see women of any age sitting in an insecure relationship. I see it day after day, and there's so much more to life than being stricken with anxiety and disease over the most important relationship in your life. So I'm going to talk about this today, and hopefully I'll help you a little. If you happen to find yourself walking that balance beam of insecurity in your relationship, I've been there and it sucks the joy out of your daily life and no one should have to live like that. So first, it's important to stop putting yourself in his shoes. When we're in relationships and we put ourselves in their shoes and we say, if I forgot to call when I said I would, it would mean I don't care, for example, we're just creating stories that are untrue and they're increasing our insecurity. And by the way, when I talk about all things, I'm going to talk about the changes that you can make, Not all the changes he needs to make, because you can't control anyone but yourself. And the reason why you can't put yourself in his shoes is because you can't possibly be him. Of course, you know that. So his motivation and the meaning behind what he does will always— did you hear me? Always— be different than yours. And that's okay. So if you don't call when you say you will, that means one thing. If he doesn't call when he says he will, That means a totally different thing. Don't make the mistake of creating false meaning about his actions. How about ask him instead? And I'm talking about longer-term relationships here. If you're in a new relationship and your guy isn't calling you, he's sending a message to you about how you feel. Longer-term relationships, it's complicated. There are way more things that get involved, and it doesn't necessarily mean that. Stop trying to understand him and accept what is. This is a tough one, guys. My husband and I will never innately get each other. We are way too different. We grew up in different places, in vastly different eras, and in different families. We used to struggle so much, and we still do, but now we're struggling more together and not against. It's a different struggle, a healthier struggle. 2 people struggling for the same purpose feels comforting. 2 people struggling against each other is demoralizing. Here's the thing. Your spouse is not your enemy. He's with you because his deepest desire is to love you and be loved. Hold on to that, because it's the truth. It's all his pain, it's his issues, his walls, and yours too, that keep you from that goal. But if you can both recognize that the common ground is that you both desire connection, then it helps to dissolve your issues with each other. And yes, you do both desire connection, and I know this to be true because these desires are hardwired into humans. It's your desire, right? That's what you want, to connect with him. Well, you're not a unicorn in this. It's everyone's desire. Next, it's so important to resist The desire to control. When we feel insecure, we try to control things or minimize our anxiety. Controlling people are insecure people. Controlling people are anxious people. Control is all about fear. We fear that something will happen that's devastating, and so we control to try to keep that from happening. I had a client who was always worried her husband would cheat on her. She created all kinds of rules and she'd block him from all kinds of activities that she thought could lead to cheating. But here's the thing, people don't like to be controlled and they'll push back. And what happened is that his pushing back on her controlling made her feel that he was pushing back on being faithful, but that's not what was up. That's the story she told herself, which in turn made her feel more insecure. He wasn't pushing back against being faithful. He was a grown man and he was pushing against being treated like a child. She needed to get deep and honest with herself about what her fears were, and she needed to understand that she couldn't control him in any way, shape, or form, but she could control her actions and her thoughts that were actually pushing him away. So if you notice that you're starting to feel like you need to control, instead ask yourself, what am I fearful of? You've got to find out the root of your insecurity in the first place that leads you to want to control. Did you have an unfaithful father? Did you have an undependable mother? Were you betrayed or hurt in a past relationship, or even in the past in this current relationship? Make sure that you're addressing the original issue instead of trying to fix it or keep it from reoccurring in the present. And you need to take a look at your own value. When you find yourself feeling insecure in a relationship, it's often because you think there's something lacking in yourself. What is it? What's making you not see your value in this relationship? Is this coming from yourself, or is it coming from some dynamic between the two of you? What you need to do is build your own self-esteem. Research has shown that your self-esteem is directly correlated to how secure you feel in your relationships. It makes sense. If you don't feel secure in yourself, you're certainly not going to feel secure in your relationships. But the problem isn't the relationship, right? And it's so important that you keep your independence. Now, now this might sound counterproductive, but the healthiest relationships are ones where neither is in a state of desperate neediness, but where both are in a healthy interdependence. When you lose your sense of individuality, it's easy to slip into a desperate need for your partner. It's easy to expect and need your partner to fulfill all these roles that really aren't even his job. It's important that you have your own space and independence. And the places where you intersect, it's full of health. And this reduces your sense of insecurity. And here's the thing. You've got to build trust in your intuition. Sometimes we don't trust ourselves. And so we don't trust the relationship. If we have an inkling that something is wrong, instead of following through, sometimes we second-guess, we start to feel crazy and insecure. Yeah, I've been there. But we're probably dead on right. So test your intuition by regularly writing down your first inkling and then recording it later to see how right you were. And you might find out that you're more trustworthy than you think. Now the reality is, is that sometimes our insecurity is based in ourself, and sometimes our insecurity is because the relationship is not a healthy one and the dynamic between the two of you is not creating a secure, healthy relationship. So you've got to address that too. You've got to take it apart and look at it. Has he given you reason to feel insecure, or is this just a normal state of your life? Strong women don't always feel secure, but strong women do address their insecurities and work on them. So determine that you will no longer walk on a tightrope, that your life is way too precious to be lived precariously. Build a foundation, even if you're building it yourself. That's okay. Those self-built structures are the best because they're built just for you. You've got this. Thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and I look forward to speaking with you wonderful women on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.
You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the Superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of The Dr. Zoe Show.
