When your relationship is changing what do you do?

Hey there, welcome to Stronger in Difficult Places podcast. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today's topic is what do we do when our relationships have changed? We want to move forward, or maybe we're trying to figure it out, but our relationship is different or the people are changing. Conversations recently with friends and clients about changing relationship is really What inspired me to make this episode. When an important person in your life stops showing up in the way that they used to before, this is super painful. So how do you cope? How do you hang on to a relationship and yet let go at the same time when things have changed? And I'm not talking today just about marriage or romantic relationships. I want you to think about all your relationships today— friendships, parent-child relationships, all of them— as I talk about letting go. Maybe you're a mother and your child is getting ready to start kindergarten. Your baby is morphing into a school-aged kid and they need you a little differently. You may feel like you've lost your footing for a minute as you learn this new territory of motherhood. Or maybe your child is a quasi-adult like my 19-year-old son and you're struggling to find a new role as mentor and friend. You're no longer authority figure and accountability holder. Your job of raising is done, but you can't find the button to turn off your autopilot parent that's been on for the past 20 years. Maybe you have an aging parent and your role is changing from being able to seek your parents out for advice to being a parent to them. You miss your parents even though they're right there in front of your face, but they're no longer available to you in the way that they used to be. And you've got to grieve this loss, and you're learning a new role at the same time that you're grieving. Or maybe your best friend is remarried, or they've had a child, or maybe they've ended their marriage, and their life is changing and yours is staying the same. This affects your relationship, and she might be less available to you than she was before, or maybe she doesn't need you in the same way anymore. You two aren't on the same track anymore as you once were, and you might have mixed feelings of jealousy, fear, and wishing the world would stop for a minute and go back to the way it's always been. Maybe your partner wants to move to a new location and you don't. Or maybe he developed a new friendship or he started going to the gym. See, small and big things can throw your relationship off-kilter. I remember my best friend Rosie's reaction to my pregnancy after we had shared 2 pregnancies with my first 2 sons and her first 2 daughters. And I told her, I'm pregnant, and her reaction was, I just can't have another baby right now. As if I expected her to share this third pregnancy together. I didn't, but we had before, and now our worlds were diverging and we had to pivot. I remember mentioning my pregnancy to her from time to time over the course of my pregnancy, and she would make an offhanded comment sometimes like, oh, I keep forgetting you're pregnant. We didn't share this like we had the others, and there was some sadness there. But our relationship adjusted, and now 15 years later, 20 years into our friendship, It's still going strong, and I hope that gives you a little hope for what may happen in your relationship. Over the course of my marriage, we've had children, we've had illness, aging issues, career shifts. All of those things have challenged our relationship in really powerful ways, and it is not the same that it was 27 years ago, and it won't be the same as it is now 10 years from now. And I choose to think that that's a good thing. I remember when my son went to college and I offered him help for something, and his response was, I got it, Mom! It kind of stung because our relationship had turned a corner and I had to figure out how do I settle into this new role. See, some relationships serve their purpose and they run their course, and change means an end to the relationship. And that's okay, even though we do have to grieve it. But how do you let go and accept change in a relationship that you fully intend to maintain? First, you need to learn to deeply accept That change is inevitable. I remember talking to a friend and grappling with the reality of getting older, and he said, you need to embrace getting older because it's better than the alternative. And I remember asking, what's the alternative? And he quickly answered, being dead. I had never heard anybody put it that way before, but when he did, it kind of shifted something in me, and I was able to embrace aging in a different way because It is, right? It's inevitable. And the same goes for your relationship. Change will happen in your relationship, and you can embrace it, or you can deal with the alternative, which is ending the relationship or destroying the relationship. Either way, you're not going back. And I know that might sound dark, but it's really a beautiful opportunity for something healthy if you allow it to be, for both of you. Often, one of the first reactions to change is a power struggle. You push against it, trying to bring the system back to equilibrium. See, anytime there's a change in a system— and your relationship is a system— the unchanged parts of the system react by trying to pull the system back to equilibrium. So what does this look like in your relationships? It looks like a power struggle. Your reaction is often to assert yourself more. You push your wants and your needs on the other person to make them fall in line like before, but what happens is The opposite. They push back. And now your relationship is firmly into that first stage of change: power struggle. And power struggles suck. You might argue, or you might give the silent treatment in an effort to bend their will or express your stance. And you often don't say the real, necessary words like, I'm scared, I don't know how to do this new role, I'm sad, or I miss the old us. Instead, you blame, or your feelings get hurt, and then distance grows. But you can do something different. You can accept that you are seeing your child, your partner, your mother, or your friend differently. That they're changing, and you're learning more about them as these changes happen. It's okay if there's a part of you that's repulsed or put off by this new lens that you're seeing them through. That's normal, and it's a result of a shifting view. It's okay to not like who they are for a moment or a long time. The key ingredient to navigating the change in relationships is a decision that you will accept the person in front of you, that you won't try to change them, and that you will give them space to grow even if it isn't in the direction that you'd like, and that you'll put your faith in God, not people, even those people that you love dearly. Instead of focusing on change, focus on understanding them better because all behavior makes sense in its context. Perfect kind of explanation if you look at their journey from beginning to end on why they are changing in this moment. And if you focus your, your lens on understanding them and ask yourself, why do I want to fight against this change? And is this change worth weathering? Sometimes, like with your child, the answer is a no-brainer. Of course it is. You're not going to stop having a relationship with your child. But sometimes it may take some soul strips to Remember, we always have decisions to make. You are not a helpless victim, and anyone's ship, no matter what they're doing, you can choose to ride out the storm, recognizing that things are shifting, or you can say, nope, thank you very much, and you can hop off that ride. Some changes aren't always healthy, and boundaries have to be erected. No, husband, it's not okay if you want to have an open relationship, or No, child, I will not support you choosing addiction. But when it's not a boundary issue, but rather the change is a growth issue, or when you're just losing control and you feel left out or abandoned, then it's your time to ask those really hard questions. What are you afraid of? What needs aren't being met anymore with this change? And how can you fill those needs yourself? This time of change is Not just to rediscover the person you're in a relationship with, but also to rediscover yourself and your strength. Think back to past changes and what got you through those times. Envision your healthiest self showing up in this relationship in the future, and remind yourself that your spouse can change and not change their love for you. Remind yourself that you've poured good things into your child, and even if they veer off the path, you are a beacon that can bring them back. Remind yourself that good friendships can weather the storms. And remember that your presence is a valuable influence, even if it feels like it's not. You can choose to be your best cheerleader as you walk through these changes. And last, be kind. Be kind to yourself as you grieve the loss of change. All of your feelings are good, and the less judgment on yourself, the better. And be kind to the person you're in relationship with as you accept the things that you'd rather not accept. Be kind to others also who might be weathering this change along with you. Take the time to pause, reflect, talk to a trusted friend always. Focus on cultivating strength, but never require it from yourself. And I will leave you with this last quote: Any change, even a change for the better, is Change is always accompanied by discomfort. That's an Arnold Bennett quote. And remember, we're fixing you, we're not fixing them, and that changes everything. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and I will see you next week. Have a strong week.