Why All The Relationship Advice Isn't Working For You

Hi guys, it's Dr. Zoe. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Here we talk about staying strong in difficult relationships. We're fixing you, not them, and that changes everything. Today's topic is why all that relationship advice is not working for you and your relationship. I've been listening to relationship advice, following all the experts on social. I've been reading books and following all the academics on relationships, and all of the advice is very good. But over time, I realized that for some relationships, none of it will work. None of it. And it's not your fault. It's just the nature of the difficult relationship. And that's why so many women find themselves frustrated, hopeless, feeling like there's something wrong with them, like they're broken because they can't make this relationship advice. Maybe you've been to a therapist. Maybe you've tried all of the things. Here's the reason why it doesn't work. All of the relationship advice assumes that you have a partner who is as committed, as invested to growth in both himself and the relationship, and that might not be the case. Sometimes people are in different places, and if he's not invested in that, then applying that relationship advice can actually be detrimental, and it's not your fault. But there are some things that you can do about it, so listen in. I'm guilty of giving that same relationship advice, and when I have couples in my practice and I dole it out, especially specific to their issues, it does work very well. Here's common advice that will not work with a difficult person: always put his needs as a priority in a relationship. Essentially, put his needs first. When 2 people in a marriage or a partnership are doing this, they're putting each other's needs first. It's beautiful, it's sacrificial, and the relationship gets deeper and intimate, and it works because both of you guys are putting your needs as a priority. But if only one person is doing this in a relationship, it builds resentment, it, it's degrading, it's draining, and it's extremely unhealthy and toxic. So there has to be reciprocity or this will not work. I don't care how hard you are putting his needs first, if he's not reciprocal, it's not going to work. Instead, you're gonna feel lonely, depressed, and angry. Now, this is not about tallying up who's doing what in a relationship. That's not healthy either. Over time and seasons of your relationship, you may have to give more, he may have to give more, but there's a deep knowing if there's reciprocity. You know, you feel it in your soul if he's reciprocal, if he's giving as much as you are. And when that's not happening, then you cannot continue to just keep his needs a priority. If you're always putting his needs first, then you're teaching him that you don't matter, that your needs don't matter, that he doesn't have to invest or really put effort into the relationship, and you create the opposite of what you want. If this is your situation, then the healthiest thing you can do is invest in yourself. Make sure that you are getting your needs met, whether it's outside the relationship or you're meeting them yourself. And when you do this, this might feel selfish. It might feel selfish to go, well, wait, I'm in this relationship and I'm putting me first. Well, you have to. Because when you fill yourself up, you'll find that there will be moments when you will openly give to him that won't breed resentment because you yourself are filled up, because you haven't just given, given, given, and nothing has been returned. This is not selfish. This is self-preserving for both you and the relationship. Another common relationship advice is don't go to bed angry. In general, this is a great concept. It's important not to stew on your anger overnight. But it also doesn't mean you have to stay up all night to hash it out. Anger is an internal psychological state, and you can choose to purge your anger before you go to bed by journaling, by de-stressing activities. It doesn't mean you have to stay up all night and hash it out with a partner, especially if you have a partner who may not respect your sleep. Maybe you need to get up early in the morning to get to work. Is it really healthy for you and your partner To hash it out all night and then leave you depleted the next day? If this is an ongoing issue in your relationship, for the most part, the answer is no. Get your sleep, girl. See, relationships are not cookie cutter. Not one is the same. They're complicated. And so applying somebody else's idea of a quick fix may not necessarily apply to your relationship. We can't control others. We can only control ourselves. I'm doing these episodes because I see complicated every day in my practice with couples, and I see couple after couple applying relationship advice without addressing the core issues. See, a healthy relationship is self-supporting. There's give and there's take, and both people are there for each other. An unhealthy relationship feels very one-sided. It is exactly the opposite, and it is draining. In this relationship, you can feel like a parasite and like your partner is the host. And it exhausts you. And so sometimes you have to go outside of the relationship in a healthy way to fill yourself up. See, think of someone in your life outside of your partner that drains you when you're around them. Just think for a second about how that feels. Now think of someone else in your life who fills you up. Can you see how even internally you started to feel something very different? Sometimes we don't notice that we're experiencing that in our romantic relationships as well. The draining part. When you start to recognize that maybe your partnership is draining you, then it informs how you need to show up in the relationship to care for yourself. So be discerning and learn how to love yourself and care for yourself within your relationship in a way that recognizes that your relationship is a separate entity from yourself. There's your spouse or your partner, there's you, and then there's your relationship. They actually 3 separate entities, and you have an entire self that cannot be neglected. Now, just because most of the relationship advice doesn't work for you does not mean there's no hope for your relationship. There's plenty of hope to be had. You just need to treat your relationship like the unique thing that it is. But here's some conventional advice that will work: use I statements. Always use I statements because that's taking ownership of your thoughts, your feelings, and your emotions, and that is not blaming. No matter what kind of relationship you're in, use I statements. I assume that you know what I mean when I say I statements, but just in case you're a relationship advice newbie, this is what I mean. Always use the word I instead of you when you are communicating with your partner, especially about a difficult topic or subject. So for example, if you say, I felt confused when you told me that you didn't like that crop top that I wore because Because you bought it for me. That's taking ownership. That's saying, I felt confused, right? Instead of saying something like, you're crazy, or you made me feel crazy because you bought me that top and now you're saying you don't like it. That's blaming. When you use the word you, what you do is you create defenses in him. And you can think about yourself. If someone comes up to you and they say you, you immediately start to feel defensive. If someone comes up to you and they say I, then you're gonna sit there and listen because you know they're talking about themselves. And even if it has something to do with you, you're more open. So always use I statements when you're communicating with your partner, especially with a difficult, heavy-laden subject. Now, other conventional wisdom says to always be the first to say I'm sorry. I think healthier advice, especially in difficult relationships, is never take responsibility for a transgression you didn't commit. When you take responsibility and you say you're sorry for something that your partner's really upset about, you are agreeing with them that you did something wrong. Only apologize if you've truly done something inappropriate. If you went to visit your mother who you don't see often and you had to take some time away from the family to do that and your partner got upset about it, instead of saying, I'm sorry, say something like, I can feel or I sympathize with how you feel. I can see you're hurt and you're angry, but this was really important to me and I wish that you would support me on it. And then stop the conversation. Do not engage yourself in allowing him to draw you into a Agreeing on some level that you were wrong. See, some people say I'm sorry as a means of peacekeeping, and they think that they're fostering a healthy relationship, that they're building intimacy, that they're connecting. But what they're actually doing is creating distance. Because when you say sorry when you're not, or when you say sorry when you haven't done anything, you grow the monster in your partner of validating his righteous anger, which wasn't appropriate to begin with. And then it gives him permission to always feel that way when you do that thing. Because you've already said sorry for it. So then you're left feeling very unseen, devalued, uncared for, and misunderstood in the relationship, and he's left feeling confused because you just validated him before. So don't do that. Speak the truth even when it creates tension, and over time he will begin to respect you for that. Bottom line, you are not broken just because traditional relationship advice doesn't work for you. It also doesn't mean that there's no hope for the relationship. Just because traditional advice doesn't work for you. What it does mean is that you need to care for yourself and you need to care for yourself well and apply healthier advice that will work for your relationship. So here's my weekly homework for you. Ask yourself these questions. You can journal them, write them down, or simply reflect. 1. Is my partner as invested in growth and change in my relationship as I am, or is he happy with the status quo? 2. Does my partner agree with me about what our issues are? Have I even had a discussion with my partner about what our issues are? If the answer is yes, then apply common, sound relationship advice and things will go well. If the answer is no, then apply my healthier advice and take time to invest in yourself just as much as you do in your relationship and watch both of them grow. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode, and I will see you again next week. Remember, we're not fixing them, we're fixing you, and that changes everything. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places.