Why Self Love Matters For the Woman of Faith

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm glad you're here. Today, we're gonna talk a little bit about self-love. This podcast titled Stronger in the Difficult Places is about finding strength in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. So today we're talking all about your relationship with yourself and self-love. But first up, my win and my fail. So my win is that for you guys who knew about my debacle last week, Thanksgiving came off without a hitch. Our beautiful double oven was delivered Wednesday. Yes, Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I did some prep work. I made sure I had a carpenter come in earlier in the day to make sure that he cut out the dimensions so that when the installers came in, it would go in perfectly, and it did. So, so thankful for that. We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with friends, friends and family, and it was beautiful, and we didn't have to do takeout. And I'm still working on my procrastination. My fail is a Black Friday fail. Here's what I did. I was ordering lots of gifts on Black Friday, trying to save some money, and I usually actually don't do Black Friday shopping, but I had my act together this year, and I got online. I knew all the things I wanted to get, and I thought I did. And then the next day, Saturday, when the sale's over, I go back into my cart, And somehow I had left some things in my cart I thought I ordered, some of the most expensive gifts, and I ended up having to buy them at full price. That's what I get for not paying full attention. I probably got distracted. I think I moved some things out of the cart because I was buying some gifts for family members that I was sending, and so I had to have different addresses, and then I thought I moved something back. Anyway, I thought I bought it and I didn't, so my Black Friday Shopping didn't quite go as I intended, but I did get some deals, but not the biggest ones. So onto the topic, we're talking about self-love today. And today we're talking all about that relationship with yourself and self-love and why for women especially, it can be a little difficult. And we got to work on that. I don't know if I told this story already on the podcast. I feel like I did, but I'm going to tell it again because it really hit me hard. I do a co-op, a weekly co-op, homeschooling co-op with my daughter who I'm homeschooling, my 8-year-old. And last week, I think it was last week or the week before last, at the beginning in assembly, each family has a week where they come up and they tell all about their family. And so there was a mom up there with her 4 kids. They were probably from 2 to 8, and she was telling, you know, all about her family and she was talking about the kids. And each kid was sharing the things that they like the most, like their fun thing that they like to do. Um, and she was sharing about things that they like to do as a family, and then it's time for the audience to ask questions. So a little girl, she was probably about 10, she raised her hand and she looked at the mom and she said, what do you like to do for fun? Just you. And the mom was stumped. She was like, oh, me? Um, what do I like to do for fun? Uh, I haven't thought about that in a while. And all the moms kind of laughed because We could relate. This mom had, you know, 4 kids from 2 to 8. Clearly she's been pouring herself into her kids and getting to know her kids and helping them find the things that they like and enjoy. And she hadn't thought about herself and she's probably lost herself a little bit along the path. And, you know, all the moms could relate and we kind of chuckled like, well, of course, that's a— if you want to stump a mom, ask her what she likes to do for herself by herself, right? And it was kind of funny, but then it wasn't, 'cause it kind of hit me hard. Like, oh, why is it that everybody else matters but her? Why is it that, you know, we teach our children to find themselves, right? To learn their purpose, to seek out their purpose, to get to know who they are. And we want our kids to do that. We want our kids to find out what their purpose is and walk it out on this earth. And yet, Sometimes we lose our own way as women because we feel that it's no longer fair or okay for us to focus on ourselves. And so this episode is for that mama whose name will be unnamed, who couldn't figure out what she liked to do, what mattered to her. And to me, I see that as not loving herself well, although she was a phenomenal mom and she loves her kids well. We gotta work on loving ourselves well, ladies. So, you know, we're taught— sometimes women, girls are taught to love everyone else except themselves. Because even as we teach our girls to harness their passion, they're still watching us. And if we can't do that for ourselves, what we're really teaching them is that, yeah, maybe this is good for childhood, but when you grow up, your job is to be about everybody else and to forget who you are and who— and to forget about yourself, right? Christianity teaches us that love is self-sacrifice, that it's self-neglect and martyrdom, especially targeted towards women, that that's what love is. I don't think that Jesus modeled this, but I think that the culture of Christianity teaches us that. We're taught that Christian love requires us to sacrifice ourselves for other people, to put our needs ahead of others and to neglect ourselves and an endless need to serve, right? And I think there's a little— some things have gotten a little warped when it comes to that. Because early biblical scholars who wrote the Bible wrote largely to a male audience, and they were extolling self-denial over egocentricity, humility over pride, poverty over wealth, sacrifice over self-preservation, because men needed to grow in this area. But it's funny because it's often the women that take these teachings most to heart. When women are already born, it is in our DNA. It is, it is in our genes, right? We are not just socialized, but our brain is bathed in estrogen and chemicals that allow us to be nurturing first. So we are already bent that way. We don't need to be pushed further that way because being pushed further that way Is actually detrimental. And it's important to note that love is not the same as martyrdom, that taking up the cross is not the same as getting on it. Jesus did that as an ultimate self-sacrifice when he was done being human. But as a human, Jesus did not model that. As a human, Jesus rested. He filled himself up even when others wanted more from him. He denied them to go take care of himself so much that they got angry at him. That is the example that he modeled as a human, because he understood that he had to fill himself up first before he could go do the things he was meant to do in the world. And when we act solely out of self-denial and sacrifice, it's not health, it's not obedience, it's a fast route to burnout and dysfunction. When we swing that pendulum to self-sacrifice as women and we hold that up as an idol, it creates problems that lead to health issues and and disorders such as binge eating, obesity, hypertension, even sexual acting out. It leads to bitterness, anger, resentment, depression, which is anger turned inward. These are not healthy things because we weren't made to live this way. When we act as if love is always something to be directed outward, aimed at everyone else except ourselves, we are forgetting The actual commandments of Jesus. The first commandment that he said, the most important one, is to love your God with your heart, your soul, and your mind, right? But the second commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. Think about that. Love your neighbor as yourself. This second commandment assumes self-love. It assumes that it's already there. It assumes that we can only love our neighbor to the extent that we can love ourselves. It is saying to love your neighbor as yourself, not instead of yourself. So self-love is not selfish. It's actually a commandment. Love yourself and love other people just as much as you love yourself. Love yourself and love your kids and your husband and your family and the people that you serve just as much as yourself. Because the consequence of not loving yourself is that you become out of touch with your own needs, your own desires. You become the woman who can't answer that question. You lose your sense of voice. You lack the capacity for genuine relationships that are built on reciprocity and mutuality. And the biggest one is that it limits our ability to live into our God-given gifts, the reason why God put you here on this earth, which yes, is part to raise your children. Yes, it's part to love and care and nurture, but there's more. There's more. That's good stuff, but you have a purpose separate from that, and that matters. See, love is not only self-sacrifice. Sometimes that's there, of course. Love is giving of yourself. Love is a desire to care for, to protect, to connect and deeply understand the other. It's not only self-sacrifice. And here's the thing for you women, of course, As a mom, you would give your life for your child, but you don't have to on a daily basis. Most of us never have to ever. And so it doesn't have to be an either/or. We don't have to swing the pendulum so far that we are neglecting ourselves and harming ourselves and not loving ourselves because we feel that that means that we're loving others better. You aren't. And compassion, this thing that we are also called to, compassion is rooted in self-love. Think about this. It is self-love, not self-denial, that moves the Samaritan because of an ability to have compassion. But wait, he doesn't allow his care for others to distract himself from the journey. It delays him from the journey, but he calls for the community to help him so that he can continue on his journey. He doesn't allow his love and care to diminish The things that he was put here to do. And that's what we sometimes do as women. We need to have enough love for ourselves to stay the course, to know where we are headed and go there, no matter where and how the world tries to pull us. And the world will, and that's okay. And on the way, we are going to be delayed, right? It's going to take some extra time, maybe, because we do have others to care for, and that matters. But so do you, and so does this thing. That you were put here on the earth to do in addition to the nurturing and care that you were put here to give to others. Sometimes, my friend, simply loving yourself is an act of holiness. So today, if someone were to stop you right now and say, hey, how do you love yourself? What's that thing that you like to do? What's your passion? What's your purpose? Why are you here? What lights you up? What What makes you happy? I hope that you have an answer because it matters and you matter. And I didn't come to preach to you today, but I guess maybe I did. But this whole concept of self-love, it's a thing. And I'm going to stand on this soapbox because we women need to bathe in it a little bit. If you don't have an answer, I implore you to start seeking that answer. And if you do have an answer, good for you. Keep going. Love yourself, my friend. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up weekly on Tuesdays, for the most part. Connect with me on social media, and please make sure you subscribe if you haven't already to this show and share it so that other people can find it. Have a super week. Bye.