Why We Need Radical Relaxation

Hello, welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and today we're gonna talk about radical relaxation and how it affects your relationships with my guest, Tracy Braylock. We haven't talked about relaxation that much. You know, when we talk about relationships, we're always talking about behavior and, and reciprocity and codependency, but I'm excited to talk to Tracy about relaxation. We need that, right? I did write a whole book about self-care. So Tracy is a holistic nurse educator, a writer, and wellness consultant. As a former operating nurse, she advocates for mind-body-spirit well-being, holistic wellness experiences, and liberating relaxation. Her work has been featured in the American Holistic Nurses Association, New Beginnings magazines, Proverbs 31 Ministries, and Hallmark Mahogany. Tracy offers group coaching, teaches workshops and lectures on issues related to nursing, writing, self-care, and healing lifestyle, and she also has an upcoming book called Radical Relaxation. Listen in. Tracy, welcome to the podcast.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, I'm so excited to talk about your book. First of all, we'll be— we're on YouTube too. Most people listen on, um, on— I don't know where they listen, Google, Apple Play, wherever they listen.

Yeah,

so they won't be seeing this, but this is my favorite color. Everybody knows my favorite color is blue, and this is my favorite. You can see it perfectly matches my Nails.

It does.

Um, you just have a gorgeous book.

Um, oh, thank you.

And even more than I wanna talk about the book, I wanna talk about relaxation. Mm-hmm. I don't think I've talked about this in my podcast before, but what I know without a shadow of a doubt is that women in difficult relationships, women who struggle with codependency, women who struggle with complex shame, Are not relaxing, right? They're not relaxing into their relationships. They're not relaxing into their life. Um, and it's crucial because what we do know is that difficult relationships cause stress on our bodies. They cause stress on our emotion. They cause stress in our other relationships. So, welcome. I'm so glad to talk about relaxation. Um, can you tell us a little bit about your journey to getting to talking about this subject?

Sure. I am a former operating room nurse. And so I saw the impact of chronic stress and how it fuels so many conditions. And when we're dealing with, like you said, our relationships, those weigh heavily upon us. And that stress can then begin to show up in your physical body. And so that's where my journey began. I wanted to reach people before they got to the operating room.

Yes.

Wanted to give you resources and help you understand what's happening on the inside and maybe how you can begin to heal some of those things that are happening, whether it's— whether you're noticing it or not, it's still taking place. And so just giving you tools that you can use every day in your regular life to begin sort of reversing, healing, and stopping any progression of stress.

That's huge. I love your writing. I love the way that you write and especially how quickly you're able to connect it to body, right? And I love what you just said that we don't always see the effects of stress. It's happening inside of our body. Obviously, it's happening in our mind as well. But we don't always see the effects of it. We think maybe it just stays there, right?

Yeah. You know, it's— stress compounds too. So something that you were sort of unwilling to deal with 10 years ago is still there. And the new stressors just continue to build upon that. So it's important to, you know, be self-aware and get the help you need to begin unraveling whatever the pain, whatever the trauma, whatever you were going through. It's— it can be tough. You need somebody to hold your hand, stand with you. But unraveling those things and beginning to heal it, no matter how old, you know, it is or how long ago it happened to you. Mm-hmm. That's very important so that the stress, again, doesn't keep stacking. You can begin to whittle away at it and begin your healing journey. And it will look different than anybody else's. But yes, when you recognize that there's a lot going on on the inside, whether it's your— stress can really change the structure of your brain.

Right. Yeah.

Now, it can— all the cascading hormones and things that are going on on the inside, you know, have a real impact. And sometimes people are having these conditions and they're not making the connection between the two. And so, you know, you're in the operating room, your life changes forever. You have these scars that, you know, show you you've been through something. But sometimes people still don't address

Right.

Those issues that got you there, you know, and so they can continue to wear upon you. So yeah, it's important to start somewhere, get some help. Yeah.

Yeah. And so you call for a radical change, right? Because I'm thinking of that woman. I'm thinking— I mean, I'm just putting myself in her shoes. She's driving down the street or on the freeway. She's listening to this podcast. She's stressed. She's in an unhealthy relationship, and now she's hearing about all the consequences of the stress she's feeling, and all that does is make her feel more stressed.

Yes. Yeah.

Um, and so what can we do about it?

Um, first of all, I really say do not stress about the stress. Okay? Because you're right. That can be like, oh my goodness, what am I doing to myself? Okay, let's not start there. Let's start with the relaxation, because any relaxation that you do is healing and it's helpful. Okay, so, you know, the stress— I like to, and I think I wrote this in the book, um, think of it like rerouting. Um, in cardiac surgery, when somebody has a blockage, Mm-hmm. they reroute the vessels in order to maintain the blood flow to The heart muscle.

Right.

And so it's like that. The damage is there. It happened. But we can still reroute the healing and the relaxation. You know what I mean? They can coexist. And so maybe your stress is not going to go away today, maybe not next week, next year. But beginning to bring in those relaxation practices, being intentional about it, even if it's just a few minutes, Throughout the day. Those things matter, and they're helpful, and they can begin to counteract those stressful things that are taking place. It can become— I like to also say it's like a muscle that you're exercising.

Yeah.

And so the more you practice relaxing, the stronger your response gets, and the quicker that's your go-to instead of the stressful reaction. Now you're like, oh, what can I do to— Be calm right now. How could I think about this differently? And so it's those small practices that you do over time that really make a difference.

OK. OK. That's helpful. There's hope, right?

Yes, absolutely.

And so what we do know about relationships that are unhealthy is they do tend to be a chronic stressor. And so yes, we can— Do things relate— like body-wise, right? We can breathe, we can take breaks, we can make sure that we are applying de-stressing skills to our body and our life. I wonder what we can do in relationships though to help reduce stress. Stress.

Um, I have learned personally, um, communication. We all communicate differently. And recognizing that and then maybe getting some guidance on how to communicate with whomever is in your life. Because you may be— sometimes people are already speaking up for themselves. They're advocating for themselves. But the message isn't landing. And so nothing's changing.

Right.

Or it doesn't seem helpful. You don't feel heard or understood. And so again, getting help, asking for a third party to come in and say, how can we connect differently. However, sometimes you're in a situation where the other person doesn't want to do that, right? You know?

Yeah.

And so I— whatever resource— I'm big on resources. Use as many of them as you need to, you know, move you closer to a solution. And so, yeah, I think that communication is where I would start. I think getting additional people in your community, if that's possible, whether that's a friend, family member, coworker? What are your resources in your neighborhood, in your community? Is there somebody who you can just talk to? My best friend and I, we often joke, but it's like we come together just for our therapy sessions. Yes. And it's like, you're my person. You get me. And sometimes you need an actual therapist. Or, you know, it's, it's however many resources you can possibly grab ahold of, do that, use that, and then step by step, go from there.

Yeah. You know, what we do know in research is that, um, people who live the longest have the most connected relationships, right? People who are healthier tend to have those relationships. And so relationships are paramount to our health. Relationships, good ones, healthy ones, reduce stress, right? Provide spaces where we can release stress and support each other and be supported. So especially if you're, you know, your, your marriage or your romantic relationship is not healthy, you need to make sure you're shoring up those healthy relationships outside of You know, and the other thing is boundaries, right? Uh, can we talk a little bit about boundaries and what it looks like when we are experiencing stress?

Oh yeah. Um, it's interesting. I have 4 children, and so being self-aware is very important because even if I can implement those boundaries easily for everyone else, it's like, oh, these are my children, you know? And, oh, you didn't do this project until

the last

minute and we have to stay up an extra 2 hours? Sure, you know.

I've been there.

And so you have to understand yourself, you know what I mean? What, what are those things that are non-negotiable? Um, how do you teach those things to your children? I like to start there. Like, am I, am I being a good representation for them, you know? Um, thankfully, um, I've been pretty good with boundaries. I'm really good at saying no without explanation. I'm really, you know, my time is important and I don't really struggle in that area. So for others who are questioning, you know, whether they feel guilt or shame or, you know, think about it like this, because I just talked about communication. Sometimes speaking it might be a struggle for you. Could you write it down? Could you send a text message, an email? You know, what's another inroad that you feel a little bit more comfortable with that can still communicate, this is what I do want to do, this is what I don't want to do? And just give it a try. You know, maybe the other person is understanding, maybe not. And recognizing that Everyone is different. Everybody's personality is different.

Uh,

you know, sometimes you'll encounter somebody who just simply won't take no for an answer, but that's not a personal problem. That's not your problem. You know what I mean? So maybe you have to stop communicating with them completely for a while until they can, like, accept it, you know, or take the hint. Right. But whatever, again, try various ways. Don't feel stuck in the situation, you know what I mean? And, and work your way towards the boundary if that's what's necessary.

I love that you said find another way to communicate because especially for someone who struggles with codependency, boundaries are hard. They are hard, hard, hard. And so I want to honor that for anybody listening out there. Um, and what I have found for myself and what I still lean on is writing.

Yeah.

And especially when I know that there's a hard conversation that needs to be had, I worry that I'm not going to remember to say all the things that I need to say.

I'm the same way.

Yes. And so I will come to my people and I will say, hey, we've got to have a hard conversation. I wrote all this down. I want to read it to you first to make sure I've said everything. And then we'll talk. Um, and for me, that has worked so well because I can take my time to think about what do I want to say.

I

can choose my words carefully. I can make sure that I'm direct, right? And I'm saying exactly what I want to say and then open it up to have a conversation. Um, it's an excellent way to implement boundaries when you're fearful, when you don't trust yourself to say the right things.

Yeah.

And excuse me, I love what you said about— essentially you said we can't control the other person's response, right? And so we have to speak up for ourselves. We have to put in our boundaries knowing that their response is their responsibility, and you still get to hold whatever you feel and think, and you don't have to attach it to how they respond, right?

Right.

And often when we talk with a goal of a certain response from someone else, or we come to a conversation with the goal of a certain response, we're left feeling disappointed and feeling like it failed, as opposed to recognizing that the win is you coming and setting your boundary.

Yeah, that's so true. I, I, like I said, I feel the same way. I would prefer to write it all down first. Um, I want to make sure that I said my point. And I think it's also a tactic of feeling heard.

Mm.

You know what I mean? I don't want to leave the conversation like you said, oh, did I get all of my points across? Or when the conversation begins and they'll— the other person might make a point that takes the conversation in a different direction and you never get to go back to it. So I understand I understand that. I understand wanting to, to get it out. I think, you know, as a writer, that's just the mode of communication that I prefer, but it's because it allows me that space,

right,

to say what I need to say.

Yes.

You know, and sometimes you— depends on the person and the interaction, maybe they can only take so much, maybe they can only receive so much of that at a time. And I've grown to learn that, you know. And so Sometimes a conversation is the best way and say, hey, like you said, let me read this to you. Sometimes handing them those notes, handing them that is the way so that they have time to process what's being said, and then they can have the space to come back to you in whatever mode they want as well. So yeah.

I like that. I do both. I write it down, I read it, and we have the conversation, and I offer The, you know, whatever I, I say letter, it's not really a letter, but I offer it to them if they want to go back and remember or review some of the things that I've said. And it sounds so, I mean, it sounds, what's the word? I don't know if, if calculated, I don't know what the word is, but it's definitely not, um, it's not, uh, why am I blanking on words right now? I know a lot of times people feel like, well, in order to have an authentic, an authentic conversation, it needs to just happen naturally. And my response is, nope, you can have a really authentic conversation that's pre-planned, meaning you know what you're coming to the conversation for. Now, you're not going to script out the whole conversation, right? But you can be sure that you're addressing the things that really matter to you and let your partner know this really matters to me.

Mm-hmm.

So let's get, let's get back a little bit to relaxation. I love the word. I love the color cover of your book. Um, I love the idea, but I struggle sometimes to implement it into my life. I'm so much better now than I used to be. Um, and you know, when I think of relaxation, I think of it as different than self-care because self-care to me is way more than relaxation. We have to do a lot of things for ourselves, sometimes things that we don't even want to do that are not relaxing in order to care well for ourselves, right? But allowing ourselves to relax is a part of self-care. So can we talk to a woman out there who's like, yes, I'm stressed. Yes, I'm stressed in my relationship. I'm stressed at work. I'm stressed with my kids. I'm stressed with all of these things. How do I even do this? How do I start?

Oh, start anywhere. Start before you get out of bed in the morning. Whether it's, you know, jotting down all the thoughts that just flood your mind as soon as you wake up, all of the things that you think you have to do that day. You know, that's one way. Get it out of your system. That way you have your notes, you know, that you can refer to and come back to, but your mind isn't constantly, you know, having all those tabs open. Mm-hmm. I like to listen to music throughout the day. It's usually instrumental music, some kind of nature sound, water. Rain, something that is naturally calming to the system. So even if it's in the background, it's having an impact. Aromatherapy, I love that. I love the calming essential oils. I just— I'll diffuse them a lot.

You see my diffuser right there?

Exactly. Yes. It's the little things that you can incorporate as you go throughout your day. You know, this doesn't have to be, you know, day-shifting, life-altering. You can do it in bursts throughout your day. So sometimes I set a timer, you know. Is there some time where you can sit down and just breathe?

Just breathe. It's so good.

Just breathe. Block out everything else for a few moments. Just breathe. Meditate. I like to color. If I get a second, I want to just color. And I, you know, sometimes my children will come and they want to color in my coloring book. No, thank you. This one is for me. Yeah. It is finding the things that make you relax and doing those things without apology. You don't have to explain it to anybody else. I found that, you know, teaching my children to do it As well, doesn't make it foreign. And so if they see me sitting, you know, trying to have a moment, instead of just bursting in and starting the conversation, maybe they'll sit next to me and they'll do the same. You know, it's watching the sunrise or set, you know, just the small things that you don't even realize they are impactful. They're helping you. Yeah. I also like to say, think of a time when you felt fully relaxed. Were you on vacation? Were you in the corner reading a book? What was that thing? Because even thinking about moments of relaxation have an impact on you.

Yes.

So all— again, I like all the strategies, all the tactics, whatever you can do. But if you're not used to relaxing, You know, you might get to the end of your day and you're like, oh, I forgot to do that. And so, and don't— let's not feel guilty. But what could you do? Could you put it on your calendar? You know, at lunchtime, at least 4 minutes, you know, I am going to just sit here and breathe deeply. I'm not going to worry about what's going on at work. I'm not going to worry about what the children are going to eat for dinner. What can I do for me right now? And so again, you know, I often hear people say, I come home from my day and I just sit in the car.

Okay.

That, that's a practice. You're relaxing, you're trying to unwind, you know. So just think about your own day, the moments when you can take a pause or the moments when you want to take a pause, and what can you do about it? Can, can a friend remind you, you know, to kind of hold— not necessarily hold you accountable, but just as a gentle nudge that, hey, this is what you want to do, and it's okay, and I support you in this. And so any way that you can incorporate it throughout your regular going, do that.

I love that. Those are all beautiful, wonderful suggestions. I love the purge. I, I don't purge in the morning. I purge at night before I go to bed because it It helps me get rid of all the thoughts. So I will write down, I, well, I have, I have a to-do, like a separate to-do thing where I'll write down all the to-dos so I get it off of my brain. Right. I will write about all the things that are just kind of angsty for me. Um, and I remind myself, I don't need to think about it at night because it's right there. It's right there on my bedside. I can pick it up in the morning.

Right.

I can leave it all there. So that purging does help me to relax. Before I go to bed at night because I've cleared my mind. Um, and I love the idea of pause because it doesn't sound like a big, you know, heavyweight you have to lift in terms of I gotta check off that big box of self-care or relaxation. It's like, how can I pause? Yeah. How can I pause in the moment and, and what I call the cracks? Like I write in the cracks. We can pause in the cracks, right?

Yeah.

And really just figure out ways to, to honor the need for relaxation.

Right.

That's beautiful. That's beautiful. Thank you. So how can women find you? And, uh, what kind of, uh— obviously we want to push them towards your book, which is Radical Relaxation: Releasing the Stress You Were Never Meant to Carry. Beautiful book. It will be in I assume on all the platforms, and I'll put the link in the show notes. Um, what else are you doing right now for work with women? Do you coach?

I do. I offer online classes, coaching. I do lectures for, you know, hospitals or wellness organizations. So yes, um, my website, tracybraylock.com, that's where That's where I hang out.

Okay. Okay.

I have lots and lots of content where you can just, you know, slowly begin your own practice, whatever that looks like for you, whatever you need to heal or, you know, just nurture a bit. Yeah, there's something there for you.

Well, thank you so much for the work that you do, and I, I hope for that person listening that it's just a A beautiful reminder, a challenging reminder maybe, that you deserve relaxation in your life. Thank you, Tracy.

Thank you very much. Thank you.