Why You're The Problem In Your Difficult Relationship

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Hey there, you're listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, a life and relationship coach, and a motivational speaker, and I can work with you personally to help you get unstuck in your life and relationships. You can connect with me by texting the word strong to 38470. Today's topic is why you're the problem in your difficult relationship. The funny thing is I'll probably get fewer listeners to this episode because everyone's going to read the title and say, oh, I'm not the problem, so I don't need to listen to this one. But listen in, you just might be. But first up, my Superwoman win and my Superwoman fail. My 16-year-old son Sage had a friend whose bike got stolen and he called me, Sage did, And he wanted to give his bike to his friend. Now, somehow I have managed to raise an amazing, generous, caring son, and that really is my biggest win ever. Honestly, when he said that he wanted to give his bike to his friend, my reaction was, you wanna give him your bike? Do you know how much that bike cost? But I tempered myself. It was his money, not mine, that actually bought the bike. My first reaction was, no way. But thank God that the words that actually came out of my mouth were, of course you can. It's your bike. And I told him that it was really sweet. He used to compete in mountain biking, so he had 2 bikes. But that's my win. I'm raising a son with a more generous heart than my own. And so that's also my fail, is that I wasn't as generous as I should have been. I got there quickly enough, I guess. But it took me a minute, and that's not really acceptable. And that was also a really big eye-opener to me. So I'm just being real, y'all. I gotta work on that. So on to the topic, why you're the problem in your difficult relationship. So I have almost never had a client come to me and say, hey, I'm causing the issues in my relationship, please help me. But if you think about it, statistically, everybody who shows up on my couch couldn't possibly be the victim. Even the abusers and the cheaters will still tell me why they're not the problem in their relationship. And we can all rationalize our behavior. We can all figure out how it's somebody else's fault. But if we want real, healthy change in our lives, we have to point that finger right back at ourselves. So I'm going to give you some truth bombs really early in this episode today. If you're in a difficult relationship or you're having difficulty in your otherwise great relationship, you're part of the problem. Now I'm going to take ownership too, just like I did in my fail today. I'm sitting here talking about other people as if I'm not part of this dynamic. In actuality, I feel the same way. When there's an issue in my marriage, I'm almost always convinced that it's my husband that's the problem. It doesn't help that I'm the therapist, right? So of course any issues we have must all be about him, always, right? Crickets. Right? Yeah, I wish. But at some point we all have to grow up, we being me again, and we have to admit that maybe we aren't as perfect as we think we are. And we've gotta take responsibility for this thing. So today I'm gonna talk about your side of the issues, because you are the only one that can change. Remember, we can never change the other person, but we can always change ourselves. So first, I'll describe the signs that you may be more of the problem and what you can do about it. Number 1, you're unhappy with yourself. I don't really like that term happy. It's just way too vague. But here's what I can hands down guarantee you. If you do not have a general sense of well-being with yourself, You'll never be happy in a relationship. So he's not the problem. Happiness is a one-man or woman job. So first thing, if you're recognizing that your self-talk is all about if he would or he would not do this something, then you'd be happy, that's your very first sign. And I had to learn this. I had to learn how to be happy with myself, to enjoy my life regardless of whether my husband was even someone I liked at the time. It took me a while, but I finally figured it out. If I make my life or my happiness contingent on his mood or his behavior, then I'm part of the problem for a number of reasons. One, it's way too much of a burden to be responsible for anyone's internal world. No relationship can maintain health with that kind of burden. And number 2, it's also sending a codependent message to yourself that you have very little control or responsibility for your own emotional well-being, and that's just not true. So you've got to figure out how to be happy on your own before you even start pointing the finger at him. The second sign is you go AWOL during conflict. Yes, avoiding conflict is a problem. If you're refusing to talk about something in your relationship, your partner isn't the problem. Listen to episode 114, which I think is right before this one, Why It's the Things We Don't Say That Get Us into Trouble in Relationships. Conflicts never get resolved by not talking about it. So if you give the cold shoulder or you refuse to talk about the important things, you can tell yourself that your spouse is the problem. You can say that he likes to start fights and you want to be conflict-free. But the real case is that he wants to address the issue, even if it means conflict, and you want to bury your head in the sand. So here's what you do. You say these difficult words: I'm scared to talk about these things, but I know we need to. And then be willing to sit through the uncomfortable. Be willing to be present with your partner's sometimes overwhelming feelings, because that vulnerability is where intimacy is created. Sign number 3: You almost always prioritize your own needs or wants first. Now, this can be difficult because it can become like a vicious circle. He's being selfish, so you're being selfish. And it's easy to really spiral down. And this probably goes without saying, but if you're selfish, you're the problem. But of course, there has to be a healthy balance, which should optimally look like both partners giving equally. Being selfless, though, doesn't mean that you need to be a doormat. It means you need to think of your partner's needs first and always. And if you recognize that he's not reciprocating, Then you need to have the hard conversations with him about that, not just push forward and feel resentment, because that's codependency. You need to be willing to have those conversations so that both of you guys can get on the same page of reciprocity in your relationship. Sign number 4, you want him to make you a better person. I have a client who tells me that he can't lose weight because of his wife. He tells me that she cooks these fattening, amazing meals and that's why he can't lose weight. It's her fault. But if you think about it, so does every other restaurant in his neighborhood. They cook amazing food, I'm sure, but that doesn't make any more sense to blame those restaurants because of the amazing food they cook than it does to put the responsibility of his weight loss on his wife. So if you're convinced that your spouse is keeping you from having or creating the life that you want, you are mistaken. You are using your spouse as an excuse, or you're expecting your spouse to fill a role that simply doesn't belong to him. So let's change that self-talk. Let's change it to, I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my actions and my choices in my life, not my spouse. And it's okay to own up to that with your spouse. If you find that this is you, That you are expecting your spouse to be responsible for things that they really shouldn't be, then I invite you now to go up to your spouse and say, I've been expecting you to fill this role for me, and that's unfair. I'm responsible for that in my life, and it's not your fault or your responsibility, and I'm sorry. Boom! You just elevated like 30 maturity points there. But I know it's hard to say, but these kinds of conversations and internal shifts Change lives and relationships. That's why you gotta say the hard things. Sign number 5, and I think the last one: you hold onto and you march your past relationship baggage right into this one. For example, your ex always makes you feel second best and not enough, and now in your current relationship, you find yourself often feeling this way, even when it's not really warranted. So reality is we often have huge blind spots for our baggage. We all have those blind spots. And we also often swing the pendulum way too hard in an effort to avoid repeating patterns associated with our baggage. But what happens in doing that is that when we swing that pendulum, we just create new problems. Maybe not that same problem, but just a different one. I had a client whose ex always made his emotional happiness her responsibility, and nothing was ever enough for him. So in her new relationship, she swears she is not going to be responsible for anyone's emotional health again. So when her partner came up to her to talk to her about an issue, she immediately responded with a shutdown. She immediately said, no, that's not my problem. That's your problem to fix, not mine. And he was left feeling hurt and rejected. The reality is, yeah, it was his problem, but she could have expressed her love and care for him by simply being present with him. But instead, she let her past baggage get in the way, and that creates distance in relationships. So if your spouse is consistently telling you something that he sees in you like this, believe him. Be willing to work on it and swing your pendulum back toward the middle. Ask him clarifying questions to really understand what his experience is like with you on this issue. And if you're open to hearing that feedback, you're gonna get so much further. Now, this is not an exhaustive list of signs that you're the problem, but if you're exhibiting one or more of these mentioned in the episode, listen to some of these solutions and try applying them to your life and relationship. You've got this. So thank you for listening to the Dr. Zoe Show. New shows go up on Tuesdays. Subscribe so you don't miss an episode. I look forward to connecting with you wonderful ladies on social media throughout the week. Have a super week.

You've been listening to the Dr. Zoe Show, Redefining Your Superwoman, with your host, Dr. Zoe Shaw. Don't forget to sign up for her monthly newsletters to get encouragement, tips, and skills for keeping your mind in the superwoman game. Connect with her now at www.drzoeshaw.com. Tell your friends and subscribe to her podcast on iTunes. Join us next time for another edition of— The Dr. Zoe Show.