You Saw the Red Flags Though, Right?

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I'm so glad you're here today. This podcast is growing, you guys, and it's very exciting. I rarely check my stats because it's better if I just don't, but I recently found out that my podcast is in the top 10% of podcasts. Now, there's 2 million podcasts out there, so there's 200,000 podcasts in the top 10%. So, you know, You gotta take that into consideration, but that's not a little thing. And so I just wanna thank you for showing up weekly and listening to this podcast. My assumption is you do it because you get something out of it. And of course, that's why I do this thing. So today, this episode is titled, You Saw the Red Flags Though, Right? I'm excited to do this episode because I work with a lot of women who are, as you know, in difficult relationships, coming outta difficult relationships. Trying to find their lifelong relationship, and I do a lot of work with understanding yourself, learning about red flags. Anyway, we'll get into this, but first up, my win and my fail. I'll start with my fail. It's a funny one because I'm a klutz, self-proclaimed. Although any of you guys who really know me know that this is true. So I was in the kitchen the other day. I had made dinner, and I had this. Dressing, salad dressing, and I don't remember. I think I took it off and I used a little bit of it. I put the top back on, and I wanted to shake it because it had separated and I needed to shake it. So I'm standing there talking to my family, and my son had a little boy over, our neighbor, who he has been tutoring and kind of mentoring for. I don't know. I feel like a couple years now. So he was there. He's six years old, and. I shook the salad dressing. It was a full bottle of salad dressing, and you guys, I shook it really hard, like super, super hard. The top was not on. That dressing flew all over my kitchen, all over my husband, his face, his clothes, Isaiah, our little neighbor boy. I'm telling you, just imagine someone just coming into your kitchen and shaking a full bottle of salad dressing. Oh my gosh. Salad dressing all over, so the look on my husband's face with the salad dressing all over him—you know—generally, I would have been frustrated and angry, but I just started cracking up. And my husband was—he was trying to figure out: Should I be really pissed off? What just happened? Everybody was looking at me, and I just started laughing. And I laughed for probably two minutes straight, like the kind of laugh where you're falling on the ground laughing. And everyone in my family is looking at me. Eventually, they all stopped started. And it's funny because I thought about my last, I think it was 2 episodes ago where I talked about humor and laughter, and I've not had a laugh that good. Of course, then I spend the next couple of hours cleaning up salad dressing all over my kitchen, which was not fun. But the fail of not paying attention, of being the klutz I sometimes am, there was still a benefit because I got a really great laugh and I know that that was health-inducing. Lesson learned: check that darn top. My win: I'm reading a really great book called Outwitting the Devil by Napoleon Hill. It was published in 2007, although he wrote it in 1937, I think? 1930-something. It's an excellent book about a conversation, a fictional conversation, that he has with the devil. And you know, I am not Any different from any one of you in that sometimes I have, you know, I get down, sometimes I get frustrated with myself, sometimes I wanna give up on things that are really important to me when I've been pushing and working so hard. And paradoxically, that is not necessarily what this book is about. It's really about understanding the guiles of the evil force that exists in this world and the tools that he uses. To keep us in bondage, essentially. But it's a really fantastic book, and it has helped me work on getting over some of my own personal fears and persevering, continuing to persevere. I am always— and I am a perseverer. That is something that I've always been since as long as I can remember. And I've always managed to find a way when I want to quit, To find some kind of hold that I can grab onto and keep going. And right now, this one is it. And I'm excited about that. And I just wanted to share it with you. If you are in a place of wanting to quit something that maybe, you know, deep down, you just need to persevere, you just need to take one more step forward, I'm encouraging you to check out this book. It's a little different and it's something that might encourage you. Okay, so on to our topic. You did see those red flags though, right? This episode is for all the women who are in relationships that maybe you knew better than to get into. Maybe you're getting out of a relationship that probably wasn't working well from the beginning, or you're dating and finding yourself choosing the wrong men for the wrong reasons, staying in relationships longer than you should, or dating and feeling like you're doing it all wrong because you keep getting stuck in the same place every time 6 months in? I'm asking— you saw the red flags though, right? Not to make you feel badly, but because I see so many women day in and day out, and they all saw them in retrospect. Now most of you guys will tell me, no, I never saw it. But if we start talking and we've been talking for a while, sometimes a couple of weeks, sometimes a couple of months, sometimes even longer, All of a sudden, little things slip out that you saw and you just glossed over. And now in retrospect, you can go, oh yeah, I did see that. And so my question to you is, okay, you saw it, and now what? Because rearview vision does little for us unless we use it as a learning tool and make it our lens through which we see the world now in front of us. So we're looking back not to make you feel bad. We're looking back so that we can look forward. More clearly. See, women begin to doubt themselves. They lose trust in their ability to make a good decision or to even see the wrong decision when he's standing right there in her living room. But if you're honest with yourself, you saw the red flags. It's not that you can't trust yourself to see them. You need to trust yourself to follow through in the caring way for yourself from day one when you first see the red flags. What you've done instead is explain away, give him the benefit of the doubt, make excuses because you want him to be someone that he isn't. And if you can maybe fix this little thing or teach him, he's gonna get it right, and then he's gonna become the man that you want. Yes, I know I'm stepping on your toes today because I want you to understand that you are trustworthy. Your gut knows. Your job is to do the hard part of honoring your gut and And this goes for all parts of your life and really in all of your relationships. So I do agree with you. No, you didn't see everything. We can't see everything in a person after dating them for a couple of weeks or a couple of months, right? He didn't have to show you everything though. He just needed to show you enough, and he did. So if you're listening right now and this is you, if you haven't already taken the time to think about what the red flags were in your last relationship, or maybe the current relationship that you're in right now, I want you to go ahead and fill When you finish listening to this episode, don't stop now, but at the end I'm going to invite you to sit down and write down the red flags. Because every woman looking for a healthy relationship should have a list of red flags. A written list. Don't tell me you have a list in your head because once emotions get involved, your list dissipates into vapor. It's much harder for a solid piece of paper to become a vapor when it comes across your emotional connection with a guy. So that's why you use paper on this one, okay? So what should be on your list? Everything you put on your list should pass the test that asks, if he had all the other perfect qualities of a partner, but he exhibited this one behavior, or he possessed this one attribute, or he has this one life circumstance, you will end the relationship because you love yourself and you know that long-term this would not be healthy for you. That's what you put on your list. Now, your red flag is going to look very different than someone else's. Your red flags are precious, and they're a roadmap that will get you what you want. Don't waste them. See, some women begin to accept red flags as, quote, part of the relationship package, rather than looking at them as warning signals. Then what happens is they become vulnerable to emotional, psychological, and sometimes even physical harm. Many women will ask me, but don't relationships just take work? No relationship is perfect, so shouldn't I expect that there's going to be something to work on? And my answer to that is, do you go to a junkyard and pick a car that doesn't really work? A car that's not going to get you where you need to go, even if it's pretty and it makes you feel good? Do you say to yourself, well, I know all cars take maintenance, so I should just buy the one that doesn't work anyway? No. You buy the nicest car you can afford that serves its purpose for your unique needs and your lifestyle with the understanding that yes, over time, things are gonna break down or they're not gonna function, and you will invest then what you need to in order to maintain it. But you don't buy the already broken car. And you also don't buy the 2-door retractable top sports car when what you really need is an SUV. So yes, all relationships take maintenance, but you shouldn't start with a fixer-upper, at least not with a relationship. Maybe that will work Maybe that could even possibly work with a car if you don't really need the car and it's just for fun, but it doesn't work at all for relationships unless you're a philanthropist and you have charity cases, and that's a whole nother thing. But for your personal relationships, it doesn't work. So your red flag list should not look like superficial things, but it can look like things like no children, no smoking, no drugs or alcohol, He can't live with his mother. But I encourage you to get even more specific to help yourself out. So no drugs ever, or just presently? Can he live with his mother because he's divorced and he's saving money for a new home, or there's no reason that's good enough? Getting super specific will help you in the long run when emotions come in. As long as your red flag list holds up to the test that if he is perfect in every other way but possesses one of these, you would let him go. Now, what if this message feels like it's come too late? You're already in the relationship. You know you saw those red flags and you glossed over them, but what now? Well, I'm sure that you already know that I can't give you a solution to your particular circumstance, but what I can say is that if you are pre-marriage, pre-kids, it's never too late to end the relationship. It's painful and it's scary, but it's probably the healthiest and best gift you can give yourself. And I know that's hard to hear. Otherwise, you stay in the relationship and you're likely to be in a therapist's office a decade from now saying, yeah, I knew it. I saw the red flags and I ignored it. But here I am. Can you help me? And that's why you create your list to give you a roadmap when you need to end a relationship regardless of what you're feeling. But if you are post-marriage and kids, I do believe that you have a larger commitment to the relationship to at least try to make it workable. So first, stop beating yourself up. We all choose at some point in our life to not trust our gut from time to time, and we reap the consequences of it. Although the lesson is hard and painful, we learn from those times that we don't follow our intuition. And that actually becomes an additional method of learning to trust ourselves. So here's how to approach those red flags when you're already knees deep. 1, acknowledge the red flag. Yes, you saw it and you chose to ignore it, but you're here now. Name the need that this red flag is keeping you from fulfilling in your life, or name the boundary that's being crossed as a result of this red flag. Be honest. It's okay. So you may say something like, the red flag that I noticed from the beginning of this relationship was that he always dismissed my feelings and he said that I was crazy, or he asked what was wrong with me. The need that I have Is valid, and the need is to be respected, valued, and understood. He's not meeting my need through those actions. So ladies, often we don't want to admit this to ourselves because this admission makes us feel like, okay, so now I have to do something. I have to change, or I have to end this relationship, or I have to respond in some kind of healthier way. And this can feel overwhelming and scary. I get that. Release yourself from that need. You don't have to do anything. Nothing needs to be done yet. Just sit with this truth. Just allow yourself to name it and sit with it. Now, number two, this is step two. If you feel up to it, speak up. Sometimes, honestly, your partner just doesn't know, and they need you to tell them. So this goes with any red flag. Even if you're outside of a marriage or relationship. Speak up. They are not mind readers. You've got to let them know. So you can say, "When you question me in that way, it makes me feel demeaned, as if you don't value my thoughts or feelings." Their response to your speaking your truth will tell you everything you need to know. If they are apologetic, if they recognize that this was something they were doing, if they take ownership of it, and if they say and. Take the action to actually change their behavior, okay. Outside of a marriage, it's a yellow flag because he still did it. Inside of a relationship, you're working on it. There's room to grow. Number 3, as you're doing this, make sure that you never accuse or blame. You simply state without extreme emotion. When you don't make up stories about his motives and you simply respond honestly, You did this, made me feel this. You're taking ownership of your feelings and your triggers, and you'll be able to do this with a lot less emotion. When you come to it with less emotion, he's likely to be less defensive. Now, number 4, set the boundaries. This is the thing that you might have been scared to do because this action, you've convinced yourself you're scared that it might change or end your relationship. If you're not ready, Don't. It's okay. There's value in doing just step 1 or just step 2 or step 3 until you're ready to set the boundary. When you're ready, you set a boundary by letting him know that you will refuse to engage with him when he's crossing your boundary, and then you have to follow through. Your behavior speaks way more than your words. Your words are just a, I'm giving you notice. Your behavior is, now I'm actually setting the boundary. And number 5, reconnect or reestablish healthy relationships outside of your partnership so you remember what reciprocity feels like and you can see more clearly so that you're not putting all of your eggs into this relationship basket and feeling like you have no other option and you need to stay, or you can't get better, or your life isn't going to be happy without it. No, it— your job is to make yourself as content and happy outside of this relationship as possible. Then you're coming to the relationship as a healthy Number 6, if all else fails, if these boundaries continue to be broken, if the red flags continue to exist, you do need to cut the toxic tie if nothing else works. I know that's hard to hear, and that's an ultimate step, so you don't really need to worry about that now. Your job is to go back to step 1. And start implementing those. Like I said, if you're outside of a marriage, you see the red flag, just cut it. It's done. It's not worth the investment and energy. If you're inside of a marriage, you've already seen the red flags and cultivated this relationship anyway, then you want to do these steps. Now, moving forward after the end of a relationship, especially after being hurt, we can easily start to make up red flags that aren't there because we're afraid of being hurt again. So it's equally important that we don't ignore them when they're there, but we also have to make sure we're not making them up. And I know this can be a tricky road for women and make you feel like, oh, I just want to give up my hands so I can make them up when they're not there, and then I can't see them when they're there. Yes, but it all comes back to just being honest with yourself. So how do you determine if something is a red flag? First, use your list. I'm always going to urge you to go back to your list Because your list is something solid that you can look at and know. Ask yourself, is he exhibiting a behavior on my list, or did he just do or say something that makes me fearful that he might exhibit a behavior on my list? Try your best to evaluate whether you're reacting to the fear of the actual behavior or the actual behavior. A great barometer for this is if you find yourself wanting to excuse the red flag, saying, oh, maybe it's not that bad, or trying to make an excuse for it, it's most likely A true red flag, and you have to do the hard work of ending the relationship. But if you find yourself looking for something like, "Is that it? Is that it? Is that it?" Or maybe the lack of drama, the fact that you haven't found anything, makes you feel uncomfortable, and maybe you feel like he's boring. And so, if that's what you're feeling, if you're looking for the red flag, then it's probably not a red flag. It's probably just a fear thing. If you are leaning on the side of wanting to excuse it, it's probably a red flag. Dr. Aaron Itos says most human beings choose to ignore the red flags because they're not in the emotional space to accept the truth that they're seeing. If they were to see the red flags for what they are and acknowledge their significance, they'd have to make a decision that they're not emotionally ready to make. To put it simply, fear keeps most people from seeing the red flags, which is kind of what I talked about already. So you saw the red flags, right? You did. Now, how can you love yourself in the best way possible moving forward? Not blaming, eyes wide open, admitting what is, and looking in front of you, not through that rearview mirror, using this as an opportunity to learn and grow. We do that through acceptance. We spend so much of our lives speaking to ourselves in such a way that urges us to ignore what we see with our own eyes. Sometimes we're taught that. Admitting an unhealthy choice doesn't mean that we have to completely bulldoze our lives though, and that's what we humans are so afraid of— change. If I admit I saw that red flag and I got into this marriage anyway, then that means I have to leave this marriage. No, it doesn't. It doesn't even mean that you have to leave your boyfriend, but you'll find that by being honest with yourself, it creates these shifts Towards health for yourself and the relationship that could move you towards making that healthy choice for yourself in the future. Acknowledging the truth allows you then to move forward with better choices, and you don't need to fear that. If we never acknowledge what is, then that's the thing we need to fear, because that's what handicaps us from health and happiness in our future. So now I would like to go ahead and invite you to think of that last relationship where you ignored the red flags. What were they? Write them down. Write all the ones that you can think of. If you stayed in the relationship for any amount of time, I want you to then write down how these red flags manifested themselves in the relationship. This is important because this is your roadmap. And if you're looking for a relationship, I invite you to make your list of wants in addition to your red flag list. So the list of wants are all those things that, that you desire. They can be Fantasy. They can be just exactly what you really want in a mate, that perfect mate that, yes, does not exist, but you're going to list all those characteristics because that's what you are going to meditate on. That's what you're going to focus on, the things that you want. Now you use that red flag list for when you start dating, for when you meet the guy, and you're going to hold him up to that standard. Now after you've chosen this man to be your life partner and you've married him, You want to let go of that red flags list, and you want to let go of that wants list because he's not going to be on either one of those. And then you just need to focus and deal with him as he is, and take some of those other steps that I talked about if you recognize that okay, I might have chose someone who exhibits some of those things. So if you're struggling with making any of those lists, please feel free to go to my website and schedule an appointment with me where I can audit your list and I can make sure that they're a representation of exactly. What you want and what you will not tolerate in your life. Most of all, I urge you to move forward with love for yourself. Acknowledge that all of your choices came from a place of wanting love, connection, partnership, and acceptance. Those are good intentions. Honor that. Now, I know the road to hell is paved with them, but it's not the intentions that led you there. It's the unwillingness to keep your eyes open and admit what's in front of you. And that's the thing you're gonna stop today. So my friend, you are okay. You are good enough. You are learning and growing, and this is part of your journey. And you will see these red flags in the future in all of your relationships, and you will not create ones that are not there. And when you see them, you will always take self-loving steps as a result. You've got this. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go up weekly, mostly on Tuesdays. I hope that this episode was helpful for you in understanding deeper what your red flags are, what red flags you ignored, and what you can do about it now. Connect with me by signing up for my mailing list so that you can get encouragement from me. Have a strong week.