Your Relationship With Yourself in 2022

This is not a podcast about being broken, although you may have been. This is a podcast about strength for women who find themselves in difficult relationships, including that sometimes difficult one with yourself. We'll look at your relationship through a lens of psychology, faith, and a little dash of my own kind of feminism. We're not fixing them. We're fixing you. And that changes everything. Welcome to Stronger in the Difficult Places. Save yourself, heal your relationships. Listen in. Hey there, welcome. I'm your host, Dr. Zoe, and I am so glad that you are here. Today's episode is all about your beautiful relationship with yourself moving into 2022, and we're going to talk about your word for the year. I love reflecting, and not just for nostalgia's sake, but for the benefit of it. I do a lot of writing when I'm running. Yes, you heard this right. Running gives me time and space and words just flow to me. And I'll often record them on my phone, or I will sometimes even stop and just write them down in my notes on my phone. I never intended running to kill 2 birds, but it does. And I am so thankful for this. It makes my running feel ultra productive. So today while I was running and I was reflecting, I was thinking of what I wanted to share regarding my win and my fail this week, and I realized just how beneficial my practice of sharing my wins and my fails has been to me over these past couple of years that I've been doing this podcast. I noticed that often during the week, I'm looking out for wins and fails to share with you, and when one happens, I always say to myself, oh, I'm going to share this this week with my people. I always think I'm going to remember what it was because in that moment it feels so important. But often when I actually sit down to plan an episode, I can't even remember what that thing was that mattered so much to me in that moment. What does this tell you? It tells me that we make bigger deals of things in our lives than we really need to. It tells me that we don't realize in the moment how quickly a thing can be gotten over. And so I've taken to writing down my wins and my fails in the moment so that I'll remember them to share with you. And all along, I've been thinking that I've been doing this for your benefit so that you can see that just like you, I have deficits and patterns of behaving that I have to work on, that life doesn't always align with my best-laid plans, and so that you can learn from my fails and learn to celebrate both your wins and your fails yourself. But on my run today, what I realized is that what's really happening is that the regular practice of writing down my wins and my fails gives me space that I never took before to pause. And to evaluate what breakdown happened in that fail, and it gives me pause to honor and rejoice in my win. And I'm realizing what a blessing this has been to me, and I've seen growth in me over the years. And I know that I will always have a story of both my win and my fail to share with you because we're always learning and we're always growing. And I thank you for these years of holding me accountable just by tuning in and listening. My hope is that I too am holding you accountable in some small way. So I'm going to start with my fail and then I'll end up with my wins today. My fail is that I pack my daughter's lunch every single day and it's simple. I get her ready-made salads that she loves from Trader Joe's and a snack. It's the same thing every single day and I was packing her lunch and I realized that I didn't have her salad. I hadn't bought enough. I think they were out and I planned to go back and get some more. So I sent her to school with just a snack And I intended to stop by the store on the way to work and drop off her lunch at the school. Well, you guessed it, I forgot. So in the middle of one of my sessions, I remembered, and in between sessions, I tried to make a mad dash to get her lunch and drop it off at her school. There wasn't enough time to go to the grocery store like I wanted to do, and I only had 15 minutes. So I stopped by a convenience store, which is basically right across the street from her school, and I bought a yucky turkey sandwich— she hates turkey sandwiches— and I rushed to her school to drop it off. And this turkey sandwich just did not even look that great. I felt like a horrible mom for dropping off a convenience store sandwich that I knew my daughter wouldn't like for lunch, but I rushed and I made the drop-off only to get in the car right afterwards. I checked my email to find out that my next client had canceled and I could have made it to the store to get her a decent lunch. On top of that, school let out at 11:30 that day, which I also Forgot? So I didn't even need to do all that crazy rushing around. She could have eaten lunch at home. So yeah, it's my fail. What's the moral? Slow down, Zoe. Check before you rush and stop the judgment. No one's perfect. Anyone else need to hear that? Okay, so my win. I had a beautiful date with my almost-a-man baby son. He's turning 18 in just a couple of weeks. I wish you could see my face as I say that. We've been planning to see Hamilton since before COVID We had the tickets a year and a half ago and it got canceled along with the rest of the world's plans, right? We finally got to see it and it was fabulous. He picked a wonderful Taiwanese restaurant and even though I wasn't able to get reservations, I was worried we wouldn't get in on time, we were seated pretty quickly. And we ordered so many items and we tried a lot of new foods. We ended up rolling ourselves out of that restaurant just in time to get to the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood where we saw Hamilton. It was my second time seeing it and his first. As my son prepares for college in the fall, I feel like every moment with him is sweeter than the last, and they're fleeting because he's so busy with work and school and applications and all the things he's doing. It's truly a blessing to say that I genuinely enjoy him as a person. That is my win. Our date was a win, but that is my win. He's growing up to be an absolutely phenomenal man. And listen, I've done a lot wrong as a parent. You guys have heard some of my fails over the past couple of years, and probably some fails I haven't even shared with you. But you can't see that on him, and I'm so thankful for that. If he weren't my son and 29 years younger than I am, we'd be great friends. We are great friends, and he is one of my most beautiful wins. So on to the topic: your relationship with yourself and your word of the year this year. One of the things that I love about entering the new year is that we collectively, as a society, give space for reflection and goal setting. There's nothing magical about December 31st or January 1st, right? Except the very special power of collective energy towards the same intention. And so today, I hold space for you to reflect on your relationship with yourself this year and where you want to grow in the new year. I'm going to ask you at the end of this episode to share your word or words for 2022 with me. Many of you did last year, and it was so inspiring for me. So hold that in your mind as you listen in. My word for this year in 2021, as some of you may remember, was publish. I had a goal to write more, but specifically to get my memoir published. And I'm so thankful you guys have been listening to me for years talk about this memoir. So I'm going to take you on this journey through this year for me and my word of the year, so you can see how it played out in my relationship with myself and how your word may for you in the next year. I started off with a goal of writing more. I had that, that overarching word of publish, right, in my head. I planned to be more consistent and focused in my writing, to say no to opportunities that did not further my goal. I wrote it down, the word publish. I got engraved on an anklet that I wore for a few months. I made it a part of my daily affirmations. I understood the power of my words, and I was determined that I was going to see movement this year. So as the new year began, I did get a little more focused and I was able to make some headway in my writing. I tried to get disciplined and make sure that I was really devoting those first hour or 2 of— that first hour or 2 of the day towards my writing. I set small goals and I was pretty much making them. I say pretty much because there was a day or 2 here or there where I couldn't write or wouldn't write, convinced that something else was pressing. As often happens with our own goals for ourselves, other things get in the way because we allow them. I was still chugging along though, and I was still focused on my goal with no clear plan on how this was going to happen. And by the time May hit, I realized I was not much closer to embodying my word than I was in December, and a slow panic began to burn. It began to just ruffle the undercurrents of my daily life, and I was feeling very uncomfortable. I realized that if I continued to do what I had been doing, what I've always done, I would let another Another year slipped by without accomplishing my goal. With this word, publish, pushing me along, I found and I hired a writing coach. She kind of dropped into my lap, but I also know that when we have a focus and we're, we're giving intention and attention to that focus, things tend to align in our life. So I found this amazing writing coach. Her name is Tiffany Hawk. If you need one, she is gold. And I decided to make a radical change and to take the entire month of July off to focus on my writing. This was huge for me, you guys. Huge. I tend to work a lot. I tend to feel like I need to work a lot, and that's something that I also was able to work on this year by taking that whole month off. I'm taking another 2 weeks off coming up. I spent 4 intense weeks writing with Tiffany holding me accountable to deadlines and editing my work as I went. Within 5 weeks, I had a complete proposal and I was querying agents. Within 2 weeks, I signed with an agent. A task that I had only dreamed about 9 months earlier. Now my naivete used the word publish when the reality is that my book won't actually come off the publishing press for another year, but I have done my work, I've done my part, and completed all the behaviors I needed in order to allow this to come to fruition. Because I had a clear word, I was able to continue focusing on it and was able to see opportunities even when I didn't know how this was going to be accomplished. Because I had a word, I was able to know when I needed to do something drastic in order to accomplish it. Now, not everyone can take a month off of work, I get that, but you can do something drastic within the confines of your life to make things happen when you need to, when you have a focus. My word carried me through as a reminder and a beacon for what I wanted to accomplish. Your words are powerful. Speaking to them Speaking them out loud is powerful. Speaking them to someone else creates an additional accountability. Who can you share your word of the year with? I thank you for holding me accountable in ways that you don't even know, and I hope to hold space for you as well. What's your word of the year? At the time of recording this podcast, I haven't chosen my word of the year yet. I have a few things circling around my thoughts, and I really wanted to have chosen it before I did this episode, But I'm not there yet. I will share it with you in my first episode of 2022 when I share your words as well. But I want to encourage you to find your word. I want you to think about your relationship with yourself. How do you want it to look differently in this year coming up? What needs to change? Is there a relationship that you need to deepen? Is there a relationship that you need to end? Is there a business that you know it's time to start? What are your goals for this year? What needs to change? Write them down and start looking for a common theme. Research does demonstrate that people who write down their goals have a much higher rate of accomplishing them than people who don't put pen to paper. So let's go ahead and write them down. But research doesn't demonstrate that resolutions themselves are helpful or that they work for creating real change in your life. So let's chuck the resolution, which becomes boxes that you have to check, and let's just look at an overarching goal. Maybe you want to lose weight and finally focus on getting in shape. Your word could be something as simple as health, and then you could ask yourself regularly throughout the year, is this behavior I'm doing working towards health? Maybe you realize you've overcommitted this past year and you need some space in your life. Maybe your word could be minimize. Your brain is an amazing machine. It works in the background 24/7, even when you're asleep, and sometimes especially when you're asleep. It focuses on the things that you tell it are important to you. By priming your brain with this one word, it'll work out ways to manifest itself in your life, just like I did with my word of the year this year. It's not that you have to sit back and do nothing. You still have to do the things, but it'll come more naturally and in its own order and with more ease when you don't have a ton of directives. Just some clear intentions and a word. Your brain will do the rest. It seems so simple, right? One word coupled with intention. But if you ask yourself regularly throughout the year, am I moving towards minimalism, if that's your word, or am I moving towards better health, you'll have the momentum that gets you through the entire year, and you'll know if you need to pivot and make a drastic change. Sometimes we think we have to get all these intricate planners and goal-setting programs. I invite you to trust your brain and actually do less To create greater results over this year. And trust, trust that you have an amazing God-given brain that will work in the background. Trust that what is for you this year will be manifested. Trust that it all works in God's perfect plan and timing, even when we can't see it from sitting here down without that bird's-eye view. Laying out plans is important. It's imperative even, but don't hold them too closely. Use them as a guide, and don't forget to be present in your life as it unfolds. Goals are—they're a map; they're a place you want to get. Your word for the year is yes, something you want to embody this year, but don't hold it as an idol either. Remember, you are living in the moment every single moment, and life is in the journey; it's not in the accomplishment. It is not, and that's why I like the word better than I do specific things written out because. It helps you be more present. Stay the path and know that the outcome is less important than the journey. And I encourage you to give space weekly for your wins and your fails. Intentionally examine them and celebrate them. Look back and see how far you've come. I know for myself, this has been an incredible year of growth for me. And last, I'd love to hear what words you come up with for 2022. I'd also like to ask you a favor that I told you about. Could you record your one word on the phone and email or DM it to me? I'm going to put those all together and share the recording in an upcoming episode. We won't share your name, just the recording, and I think it will be inspirational. I know it was last year. So please just say, my word for 2022 is, whatever it is, and if you want to add an extra sentence describing the word, that's fine too. I'm so looking forward to hearing your words. Before I end this episode, I'd like to share some highlights of 2021 for me and my family, and I hope it prompts you to reflect on the same in your life. This year, I traveled to Maryland and visited my daughter and my beautiful grandchildren. I spent a girls' weekend with my dear high school friends, and we got a chance to reconnect and deepen our relationship. And we decided to make this a biannual thing. I'm planning the next one, so if you have any suggestions, let me know. I finished my proposal and I signed with an agent. We built a pool in our backyard. I took an entire month off for the first time ever, not counting my maternity leaves. I read 22 books. I'll be doing an Instagram post about them. My husband had surgery and some medical issues, and it was a scary time, but he recovered fully and we are so thankful. It's been a beautiful year despite our global hardship, and I also want to honor that it hasn't been for everyone. I'm wishing you and yours the very best in 2022. I'm taking 2 weeks off from the podcast as well. Please don't forget to send me a recording of your words for 2022. You inspire me, and I will be excited to share them in the first episode of the year. You can email, DM me on Instagram, or text them to me at 661-544-4088. That's a business line, it's not a personal phone, it does not get picked up, so you can leave your message at any time of the day. Simply start with, my word for 2022 is... and if you want to say a sentence to go along with it, that's fine. If not, just your word is perfect. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and God bless. Thank you for listening to Stronger in the Difficult Places. New episodes go out on Tuesdays. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season with your family. Have a strong week.