Dr. Mark Hyman explains how fear-driven niceness damages health and relationships. He shares personal stories about struggling with honesty and accountability, arguing that authentic kindness requires truthful communication instead of people-pleasing.
Hi, this is Dr. Mark Hyman and welcome to my weekly house call, your chance to ask me your questions. And this week's question is, well, not so much a question, but really a reflection in one of my previous posts that was titled, Is Kindness Killing youg? Now, I've talked about being a nice aholiC before. You see, being a nice aholiC is all about fear, really. But this fear can ruin your health. Being nice and saying yes when I mean no or not telling people when I'm disappointed or not holding them accountable for things that they agreed to do or should be doing at work or even in my personal life causes me all sorts of problems. Now, I know many of you can relate but I'm here to tell you that if you want to be truly healthy, this pattern has to stop. Here's an example. I tell someone on my team to do something and I might not be really clear or I asked the wrong person to do it, and then when I get back, it's not that great. And rather than say, hey, this is a good start, but I really need it to be like this and go work on it until it's right, I don't say anything and I'm nice to them and I mumble under my breath and I end up doing it myself and being a big hero, and then I resent it and I resent them and I feel frustrated, I'm mad and I complain. Or sometimes it happens with my family. My son recently moved back home And I didn't really give him a budget. And then I found out he was spending a lot more money than he should. And rather than tell him that this didn't work and that he needed to be accountable and he needed to track his spending and we needed to create a budget, and then he would get a fixed amount every month to manage, I didn't say that and I didn't do anything. Why? Because I didn't want to create conflict. I didn't want to have him feel bad because I felt guilty because he just lost his job. But the truth is, my avoidance robs us of an honest relationship and it takes away his ability to show up differently and do the right thing. So not speaking up or saying yes when I want to say no, it makes me unhappy. It makes me sleep poorly. It makes me angry and irritated and the stress it causes me, it makes me feel tired and icky and it creates more messiness in my life. It always backfires. So what I've learned is the power of telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. And yet this is what I do and what I know so many of you also do. And I'm sick of doing it because it causes me so much trouble and it causes trouble for my friends and my co-workers and even my family members. Not telling it like it actually is is a form of manipulation. It's a way of trying to manage someone else's response to your words or behavior rather than dealing maturely with all the fallout. You see, my problem is I tend to work really hard to make things okay even if they're not. And then I end up being unhappy and frustrated and the other person doesn't actually get to show up how they really are good or bad. Now, I learned this behavior as a kid as many niceaholics do. But maybe it had its purpose then. It just doesn't work anymore. And yet, this is the hardest thing for me to change. So I asked for help. I now have an amazing life coach from the Handel Group who challenges me, who holds me accountable, who shows me where I lie or I don't tell the whole truth. She's not only the kind of life coach to help me with my goals and my dreams, she's a different kind, one that is committed to helping me hold my integrity and be truthful in all my communications and all my relationships with others and with myself. Sometimes being honest and telling the truth or saying no when I mean yes is all so foreign to me that I need to write it out and I need to write out what I'm going to say and I need to have her help me practice the conversations so I can do it without blame or judgment and I can do it with a different type of kindness, an authentic kindness, not the kind of kindness where I seem nice but I'm really doing things or not saying things to quote keep the peace. And I'm simultaneously creating a war inside myself and eventually creating even more conflict and stress for me and everybody else. The amazing thing is that when I tell the truth, then those in my life, whether it's employees or friends or family, they know where I stand and they know what I feel. And we can have an authentic and more profound relationship, which is actually what I was trying to create in the first place, but with exactly the opposite and the wrong strategy. So what I've learned is that being nice now often ends up making things messed up later. I clearly needed the right insights and I needed a new plan to break this pattern. In general, my life is great, but I want it to be greater. I want to live fully happy in all areas of my life and in all my communications. I want to make my heart and my mouth always say the same thing. My coach gives me the right wake-up call for my patterns and the right assignments to help me see my way out. Then she checks back in and holds me accountable. It's really hard to change by yourself. I know I couldn't. Now if you think a coach might help you break those old patterns and live more authentically and get closer to happiness, I want you to check out the Hendel Group to learn more. They even offer free 30 minute coaching sessions. And if you like this video, share it with your friends and family and other niceaholics you know on Facebook and Twitter. And share your niceaholic story so we can all together learn from each other. And also submit your questions on our website so that maybe next week I'll make a house call to you.
