The SHOCKING Reason Why Being Nice Will Lead You To UNHAPPINESS | Dr. Mark Hyman

What do we mean by communicating in a healthy way? Talking to someone straight, having a different conversation is really important. It's such a problem for so many people who feel no, right? Where your heart says no, your body says no, and your mouth says yes. And who can relate to that? I think many of us. And I've had that happen most of my life because I grew up in a situation where I had a rageaholic stepfather who, if I told the truth or I didn't try to keep him pacified, it would be like hell. So, I learned very early that it was good to lie or to not quite tell the truth or as I joke with my friend, he's got the same problem. We call it shmergling, which is sort of not quite being straight and not quite telling the truth and trying to people please. But actually it ends up being a very manipulative way of relating because you're trying to control the other person's emotions. You're trying to control their reaction. Instead of having an authentic Relationship based on the truth. That doesn't mean you have to be mean. It just means you have to tell the truth with love. And that's a hard trick to do, but there's a skill. It's a skill like any other skill and you can learn how to do it. So many of you asked how I gave up being an ice holic. Well, I've built a model for myself of actually learning how to tell the truth and actually avoiding a lot of the disappointments and the conflicts that happen when you say yes when you actually mean no. And then I would complain about it and then I would get called out on the complaining. I'd work with my coach and she was basically like, oh, you know, stop being an ice-holic and a people pleaser. So really, really important to learn how to deal with what's really going on in your life and based it straight on and being willing to deal with the consequences of whatever might be the reaction. And it might not be something you like or who knows, it might be something that's even better than what you can imagine. But instead of dealing with reality, by, by actually telling the truth. You're often avoiding people pleasing. So I think I learned I could do it, and I learned there were really steps that helped me do it, and I want to share some of those with you. But, but it just kind of helps me to reset. And I, I still sometimes get this problem when I get an email from somebody or someone wants something, I want to help them, and I just, I'm sort of too overloaded, and I sacrifice myself to help them, which isn't always a good thing. And if I learn how to say no with grace and with love and with wisdom and kindness, then usually it goes fine. So, I actually be able to talk, talking about this and working with someone on it for a long time, I was able to reset these patterns. I'm going to share with you how you have a difficult conversation. And it's really important to learn how to have difficult conversations. There's great books on this called Nonviolent Communication. I think there's one called difficult conversations or courageous conversations, something like that. It's really about how do you actually have an honest conversation? I grew up in a family where people didn't do that, where you kind of had to manage each other's emotions, where it would be a blow up or a stuff a situation, they're not great. So what do we mean by communicating in a healthy way? What do we mean by grace? Well, you want to talk in a way that people can actually hear you. And it actually required me to practice, like, no tennis. You can't just go and play tennis and hit the ball and expect you can have a forehand, a backhand, a serve, and a net game overnight. You literally have to learn the strokes, you have to learn the technique, you have to practice it over and over, you have to write it down. I have to write up and down what I'm gonna say. But once you get good at it, I want you to do the mental, physical, and emotional preparation for any conversation. you can sort of do it in a way when you're out of the activated state. You can do it when you're calm and collected and cool. And then you can do it without blaming the other person or exaggerating what happened or making it about something bigger than it actually is. And it's also about being curious about what the other person's experience is. And you don't actually even have to agree with them. You don't have to have the same perspective, but you can really listen and get where they're at and have an understanding of it, even if you, don't have that experience yourself or you don't agree. So you don't have to agree to actually have a relationship with someone, believe it or not. And so it also means actually being curious about the other person's perspective, what their experience was, and listen to what they said. So basically it's a technique called active listening. You inquire about what someone's feeling, you ask them to share, you listen, you don't react, you don't have a narrative in your head of what you're going to say or how you're going to rebut what they're saying or why they're saying is wrong or, you know, what you want to do to correct them or all this sort stuff that goes on in our head, but just be a blank slate and just deeply listen and then try to express back to them what you heard. You know, how are they feeling? What was their experience? Try to get in their shoes. And often just by simply having the experience of being heard, people will shift into a more relaxed, calm state. And it really, really works. And so you have to kind of do that inquiry. Now, in terms of wisdom, that's the other piece. But, you know, I think for me, I realized that telling the truth is way better than not. And it's not necessarily about lying. It could be omission, it could be softening the truth, it could be not being honest and hoping that you'll just be able to sort of manage a situation by avoiding it. And then all those are forms of lying. I think so talking to someone straight, having a difficult conversation, is really important. And it's easier when you set it up properly. It's easier when you frame it in the right way, when you start in the right way. And so you kind of sort of go in with an open slate, not having to prove your point and be right, you know? So someone once said to me, you either can be in relationship or you can be right and you can choose. Often it's not about being right or being validated in the way you think, but it's about really getting someone and having them get you. And then often that's enough. so what are the steps to have a difficult conversation? Well, the first is ask for permission. Say, hey, I'd love to talk to you about something. Is this a good time? If not, when's a good time? Let me know when you're ready. I want to, you know, have a conversation about something important and, and see what they say. If, if they're really not, you know, that's okay. You say, when, just when is good? Is it tomorrow? Is it next week? Is it tonight? Just give them, give them a sort of a time. So it's not just, oh, it's not good and it's never good. You want to be able to have the conversation. Next, explain your goals. Let's say you really want to understand each other or you want to have a conversation. You want to get more connected, not less. And you really want to start with something positive. You want to give them some understanding that you see who they are, that you understand their perspective. You own your stuff. There's a very simple rule called Coptuiveness. You have to cop to it if you had a role in whatever the dynamic was, own it. You know, really share, you know, your insights and reflect on what your role was, what you could have done differently. And it's a little bit disarming for the person because they go, oh, wow, they're taking responsibility and it feels like you're not blaming them, you're not pointing fingers. So it's really very helpful. Then, then, you know, you've got to kind of draw on your wisdom, your higher self, because often we're listening to that. I call it the inner asshole, which is our negative inner dialogue and think that's real, but it's our lower self. So call in your higher self. And then sometimes you need to like read. I had a friend who didn't know how to do this and I literally coached him and I gave him a script of, okay, here's how you set up the conversation. Here's what you say first. Here's what you say second. Here's the questions you ask. Here's how you share what you're sharing. And it's sometimes like that, but basically, do it without blame or judgment. That's the key. You can say, well, this is what it seemed like to me or in my experience, or I could be wrong, but this is what I remember. And next, ask for their perspective. Once you've shared what you've got to share, and obviously you want them to practice active listening too. So it's good if you can with somebody, especially a close partner or someone you have a long relationship with, to sort of set up the parameters so they're willing to be part of it too and work on it together and be tolerant of making mistakes, of not getting it right, and start over again. I mean, just give yourself some kindness in all of it. But it's really important to ask, you know, what their perspective is and what do they think? And so give them a chance to really unpack that. How do you remember it? And that really helps. And then you can kind of come up with agreements like, okay, well, I get this and I'm sorry for doing that. And, you know, I'll pay attention to the future and I hear you. Or, you know, you just so I really get why you're feeling this way about something. And it's not something you'd have to address or fix. It's just being heard sometimes enough. so people get relieved to say what's in their mind, to have, you know, be listened to, to be seen. And, you know, you might want to be together as a team and say, okay, like as a team, as friends, as partners, as business partners, as marital partners, spouse or friends, what is your goal together? You want to stay more connected, you want to have more intimacy, you want to have more understanding, and that's where you're moving towards. So it's always about, you know, creating as a us against it conversation rather than us against each other, it's really important. So it's not easy. I encourage you to check out resources. We'll put them in the show notes, but things like nonviolent communication courses and conscious communication practices, active listening, really, really important to learn these skills. And we don't learn them in school. We don't learn how to take care of our health, our money, and our relationships. It's really important. Those are the three most important things we can do to manage and have a good life. So I encourage you to check it out. How do you do that? Practice it. Don't feel bad if you get it wrong or screw it up because there's really no getting it wrong. There's just learning. And it really works. I promise you it works. It can diffuse almost any situation and it helps you build deeper connections and relationships. And it's really at the end of the day what it's all about. If you love that last video, you're gonna love the next one. Check it out here. So if it's slow, your whole system slows down. If it's fast, your whole system speeds up. That's hyperthyroid. not that common but it can be a problem for some people. But low thyroid or hypothyroid function is really common. And your thyroid gland produces hormones.