Why We Have To Face Death To Be Fully Alive

If you are committed to making a difference in the world, it's a good time because the list is real. Hi everyone.

Just wanted to let you know that this episode contains some colorful language. So if you're listening with kids, you might want to save this episode for later.

Hello, I'm Dr. Mark Hyman.

Welcome to the Doctor's Pharmacy, and that's pharmacy with an F-F-A-R-M-A-C-Y, a place for conversations that matter. And if you care, about the subject of death. There's a lot of going on right now. It's going to be worth listening today because it's with my good friend, my best friend and life coach, probably in that order, Lauren Zander, who's the co-founder and chairwoman of the Hendel group. You might have seen her on some of my previous podcasts and Instagram lives. She's an extraordinary woman. She's the founder of With Her Sister, the Hendel group, which is a Corporate Consulting and Life Coaching Company. And this methodology called the Handel Method is revolutionary. It's revolutionized my life. Without it, I don't think I'd be happy or healthy or sane. At least I'd be still struggling more than I am now, which I'm still struggling, but it's not as much struggling. So it's good. And she is with her group taught in over 35 universities and institutes around the world, including MIT, Stanford, Graduate School of Business, NYU, and the New York City Public School System. She's the author of an incredible book, which you must get called maybe It's yous. Cut the Crap, Face youe Fears, and Love youe Life. It's a no-nonsense practical manual that helps readers figure out not just what they want out of life, but how to actually get there, which is important. She spent the last 20 years coaching thousands of private and corporate clients, including me. and executives at Vogue BASF AOL. And she's also been featured as an expert in many, many publications, including New York Times, BBC Forbes, Women's Health, Dr. Oz, and many, many more. So welcome, Lauren.

Thank you. Hi.

Well, hi. So listen, this is a really intense time right now. And a lot of people are scared. A lot of people are facing things that they don't usually have to face, like death. both the fear of death, death in their own families and their communities. On top of all that, we have the racial violence that's plundering our country. That is also a lot of death going on in there. And one of the things you've really worked on is looking at how do we get straight with all the areas of our life that we need to get straight with in order to be happy. You've talked about 12 areas, but you've come up with a new area called the 13th area, which is about- We.

Always had the 13th area.

Okay, well, it's something that it's maybe in my mind, take a little backseat to some of the other stuff you do, and I think you really now focused on how this area needs to be addressed by us in order to be engaged with life. So, what are the first 12 areas, and then why are we adding death as the 13th area?

So the 12 areas are all the areas you currently would like, you might not imagine them. And I suck at listing all 12, but I guess you want to hear, you want to watch. But these are the areas: money, career, love, spirituality, community, sex, health. That's in love. Because literally, I used to actually have 18 areas, but when I went to write the book, everyone was like, no one will even buy it if they understand there's that many areas. I squished a bunch of areas. But one of the, we always had the 13th area was death. And it was funny because it was number 13, right? And so, but it just isn't one of the areas where someone even has to focus first and foremost to be happy in their life. But it's one of the areas that becomes critical as you get older. or as you face someone getting older or as you face the truth about life or you have kids, like the minute you start to really be a provider, you understand how much death really matters to everyone in your life. Yeah.

Well, you know, as right now, you know, we're seemingly focused on death more than ever, right? And every year over 70 million people die from this or that, mostly chronic disease, but Now we're seeing hundreds of thousands around the world dying from COVID-19 and it's sort of catalyzed our focus on death in a new way. And it's made it more immediate and more real, more scary. And I think people are suffering from this pandemic of fear. And what are they fearing? They're fearing death, really. And the reason people aren't going out, the reason people are staying home, the reason we're social distancing, yes, is to protect each other. But even in countries where they're opening up, People aren't going out, which is striking. I was talking to a friend of mine in Germany, he said, we're open, but people are terrified to go out because there's still this pandemic of fear, which is probably linked to the fear of death. We're talking about it, but is that enough?

If you know me at all, you would go, no, that's just the header. That's just the area. So I will think that First of all, I think life is a privilege to be alive, and that happens because you deeply face all the areas of life. And what I have found is in order to help people really fix their relationships, resolve things they've never resolved.

Get.

Right with your parents, get right, like death forces you to face you're never gonna get to have that conversation again. You're never gonna get to not tell that story. If there's something that needs to happen, death really forces you to go, I better get it done before I'm not able to. And I better, and then death also makes a person have to deal with, what do I want to say? What's unresolved?

Right?

So one of my favorite, and I taught this class at places that are into it, like the JCC. There's places.

That's the Jewish Community Center.

Right?

Like, they're like, cool, right? And it was packed, and it was all ages. But what it was like, really, if this was, if you knew you were gonna die, what's not resolved today? And then make a list of people, list of actions, things you've never done in your life. Like, death makes you face life better, right? But that's a little heavy. It is kind of heavy. And then also, no one knows what they think happens really, really after death. And so when someone dies, the exploration of are they still with you? Are they still there? What is that like? What happens? Most people haven't read no books on that. Some people are obsessed and love it. And then most of us just go into deer and headlights. and got real things to deal with. So we go into denial, right? No one's walking around, maybe now you might be. But mostly we don't walk around like we're ever gonna die.

Yeah, it's interesting.

It's built in.

I don't know, I'm maybe weird because when I was in college, I was fascinated with death and read about the Tibetan Book of the Dead. And then I actually read this book called Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross who taught about the stages of dying. And I volunteered to be a hospice worker in college. And my first job was to be with his family. It was a Cornell physics professor who was dying of a brain tumor. And he was so much intact when I started with him. And to still watch him go downhill, to not be able to walk, to not be able to talk. and to see what's going on with his family. It's like I was literally front row seats. I was the caregiver that would be there to relieve the wife or the kids so they could go do something or get out of the house. And it sort of put me face to face with death at a very young age in a way that most people haven't seen. And then as a doctor, I've seen more death than most people. And now facing it has been sort of, it's sort of not so mysterious to me. And I've been with many people who've died and are dying and. I mean, the most horrendous experience I had of death, which was really hard to cope with, which was Haiti, where there were 300,000 people died. And, you know, I was in the 60 Minutes episode where I brought the reporters back to this morgue that was at the hospital where there was no room for any of the people. And there was hot. It's like Haiti in January. It's like 80, 90 degrees and humid. And the bodies are just hundreds of bodies just piled up in them, basically a parking lot, blown in and dying and rotting. And so you couldn't like avoid death, right? And so most of us don't have that up close and personal view of death and we sort of try to bury it or pretend it doesn't exist. We do it in hospitals, we do it in nursing homes, we don't do it in our homes. And I think, you know, it's taken us away from the whole continuity of life and, you know, people just died at home before, right?

Never mind, no one makes it special. Right, it's not like birth. Birth gets like birth plans and right, everything around birth is like everyone wants to manage every minute and who's in that room. Birth gets so much attention, which we understand, right? But are you also sure we shouldn't be given the same kind of love and attention to the other transition?

Yeah, so we push aside all those, we push aside all those thoughts, but why is it important not to push them aside?

Because it's coming to a theater near every last one of us. We don't know when our numbers are up, but we all know numbers are up. And the more you face everything, I mean, we like, so I teach this for real, and I've helped, I even have coached a aging mother who knew she was dying. I was coaching her son for years and she knew she was gonna die and was going into hospice. We got them so resolved in everything they needed to say to the point where she designed my session with him after she died. Of what she wanted me to read them, what she wanted me to like. And I still get children can get moved at their relationship and I swear my children how moved I get is I can still feel her.

Yeah.

And to me, I would want that for my children, right? I would want that with my parents that they felt that present, secure and allowed to go, like the amount we could lean in. on accepting death and designing death. Or even, and then the amount, so I sat in that JCC class where I taught all about facing death and what would you do. And, you know, people were very happy to make the list of everything you've ever done that you want to do before you die. And how serious that list is, because if you go, I'm 64, Uh-oh, like shit, I gotta get moving. Right, like I need money for that. Like so, so most people, and I'm such a planner, like design and plan and fulfill, that getting people to dive into it versus being denial is gonna happen was a miracle for all of them, right, and an act of love. And what they found is nothing was in order. Relationships were messy. Money was a damn mess. And then conversations never had over time were also a damn mess. And so if they died today, they'd be devastated. They're not set up to die, right? And I don't need you to be set up to die. I need you to be able to die because you're prepared for that that Come on, it comes with the packaging, people.

Amazing. Well, let's talk about how you coach your clients around this and how maybe you in a specific example about somebody who you coached around the death of a parent or somebody that loved who is older and the difference between being resolved and how to say goodbye and what all that's about.

Wow. God, are these good questions, right? And then they're so good, I could spend my life working on it.

Okay, well, we have an hour.

I'm just saying, it's just, it's so the most important thing for me to teach people is to say everything, forgive everything, accept everything, resolve everything. That's resolution. It's like people are set free. You've told all your lies, you've been forgiven, everybody knows everything. You're not dying. One could say you're not dying with yourself. you're not dying, still angry about anything. You're forgiven, you're loved, and thank you, right? For everything you did and didn't get to do, and everything you wish you got to do that you didn't get to do, and everything that you like, everything that you wished for comes with you, leaves with you, and thank you, right? And that's, you know, when, if you read, you know, what people most care about when they leave is all the things they've never said and how much love they've never expressed or apologies they've never gotten to say or who they wish they would be forgiven by. So the emotional body of us, like the amount we want love and acceptance and forgiveness, yeah, it takes like that obnoxious knock at the door, like, no, you don't have to do it. Like, no, there is no tomorrow for you. to make you realize the list of people you wish you could get resolved with. And so I make someone sit down and actually do the list. And then I make someone plan doing the list so you don't need to die in order to be able to die.

Yeah. Powerful.

Right.

And then I do parent letters.

Yeah, you helped me when my mom died a few years ago. There's a lot of stuff that I sort of had still unresolved and I didn't finish it, but I definitely worked on it still there. But it was hard for me to do and it was hard to finish. So talk about what is the parent letter and why is that important and how does it change them?

I've never had a more, like, so there isn't a coach in my company that becomes a master coach that hasn't done their parent letter. And what happens when I do a parent letter? if someone, like I design everything you regret, everything you resented, everything you need to forgive, everything you want to apologize for, everything that was unsaid, everything that was never done that you wished was done, right? Like anything and everything, but not in the name of screw you, you owe me, you should have. But really, this is what was happening for me throughout my life. This is what I wish. This is what I never said. This is what, like it's really an apology that I didn't get all this shit done. or said before you were dying or before or right now so that we can have a grown-up relationship that isn't carrying our entire past with us. And so the it is sacred to set your parent free and yourself free by stopping the narrative long enough to go, I can reboot it, I can change it, I can deal with it, I can forgive it. And it is my opinion that it's the next generation's job. Like it is the kids job to help, to forgive that parent, to tell that, like it's like, it's okay your parents sucked, right? It's okay they did, right? What's your excuse, right? So it goes to the next generation should be better than the last generation. Like of course you expect the Apple phone to be better than the rotary. Right, and so people don't even know what rotary phones are.

I do.

Right, so it's, I like to put the burden on the kids to resolve everything from their family line, and how I recommend you do that is you get free with your parents, and you clean up all your lies, you ask all your questions, and you don't do it as an act of judgment, you do it as an act of luck.

Powerful. So one thing is facing somebody who loves death and the other is facing their own death. And you talk about things like the bucket list and you talk about also something called the getting resolve list. So can you talk about how we do this process? Because it's not something people want to lean into usually.

Right.

That's because it's so Like you've learned to bury it. You've learned to think you're okay with it. You've learned to accept it. Like you think acceptance, you know, is, well, I'm fine with hating them. Like I've accepted. I will never forgive you.

Right?

Does that sound like acceptance, people?

Right?

Because it shouldn't.

Right?

Acceptance really is let that, that doesn't mean you have to be best friends with them, but you really can get their perception, their perspective, everything they experienced, everything you did. no more fighting and set each other free.

Right?

So there, it's actually pretty tricky, right? Because humans instinctively only think the way they tell the story is the only way the story is told. And if you don't hear it the way I say it, if you don't agree with me, you're lying, or you don't understand me, or you don't feel my feelings, right? Rather than, oh, we will never, we're parallel.

Right?

My experience, your experience, if you really want to forgive each other, you'll accept mine, I'll accept yours, and they don't need to agree with each other. Now, that might sound simple, like oh. Ha, ha, ha. Have you ever got a human to listen equally to another? And go what you say? You said it was blue, I said it was a brown. Wow, I bet it was blue and I bet it was brown. That's amazing. Most people go, you, are funny. Okay, right. So I am the right. So that's the main thing I change in human dynamics is the ability to love and listen without judging and needing them to agree.

Yeah, I mean, I had the most profound experience with my dad. he died about a year and a half ago. And, you know, you know, parents were divorced when I was young, and he wasn't around much and didn't really show up in the way, particularly I would love him to show up. And it's probably not a new story. It's been the story that's told thousands of times, millions and billions of times probably on the planet. And I think I really never understood what his experience was and. When he was like 79, I invited him to come to this men's group, this men's weekend, where it was sort of a men's work group. And we sat in the circle, inside the circle of maybe 40 or 50 men witnessing this on a weekend. And they invited each of us to share our experiences of each other and what we needed and what was going on. You know, and I, it was the first time I really got to say what I needed to say to him to feel complete. And it was the first time I heard him explain why he had the operating system that he had from his grandfather and his father and what it was like for him as a little boy and what he was missing and what led to him having the beliefs he had. And he didn't change them, but I understood them. and I was able to go, okay, I get. I get this is what happened. And it just allowed me to relax about it. And even though he really couldn't say, I'm sorry, like, he couldn't really. And it was like. It was okay because I understood that, like, now I get why he was behaving that way. And it wasn't because he was an or me, me trying to be mean or trying to not care for me. It was just. It was so powerful, and he died, you know, and I. I remember being with him, we spent a bunch of days with him before he died in his house. And, you know, he was not somebody who embraced death in any way. He fought it. He didn't like it was coming. He knew it was coming, but he didn't like to talk about it. And, you know, just to be with him in that very peaceful state and just be there, it was really a beautiful experience. And I didn't have to make him different. Like, I didn't have to have to be different even at the end. you know, and he just was who he was. And he didn't, you know, he didn't change. But I, it was a, it was a really different experience of me instead of having a feeling of lack or having him be mad at him for not doing what he did or continuing to be in bad behavior. I was able to really just go, oh, this is, this is his experience. Like, this is his story, and I understand it, and it's okay. Like, and, and, and it led me, left me feeling pretty Complete with him.

Yeah, mostly if hating, resenting, judging, being offended, thinking you're superior, if any of those things actually worked, we would be such an amazing human race. Love, acceptance, listen, allow, right, and make your own choices and don't, right, like we, you know, it's like the Elvis Costello, what's so funny about peace, love and understanding, right? It's like humans just don't, they think they are that, but they really don't give it. They want it.

Yeah.

So they don't give it.

Yeah, so with your work, you help people get through that, right, you help people change that, You're dealing with your life from the offended, victim, resenting, blaming, not owning, like it's just a very different framework so that you actually become free. I mean, it's since I think that's part of the work of the Handel Group is helping people become free from the stories that keep them emotionally, spiritually and intellectually imprisoned.

Yes.

Did I get it?

You are doing it and it's an act of love. And it's an act of love. It's an act of knowing your soul. It's an act of fulfilling on your soul and all humans.

Right?

And it's. It's deep. It's upsetting. But I do not think the ticket onto the planet is lucky ever after. Right? Like, ticket onto the planet is. Sorry, everyone, if you don't like my cursing is. How are you fucked? And what did you do to get out of it?

Right?

It's a born trap that we keep defying the dark side, if we do. And then the only trick is that we don't get how dark dark is, right? We don't get not getting out of bed. We don't get another cocktail. We don't get, especially for your people, right, that haven't fulfilled, like, totally embraced broccoli over a Dorito, right? Nobody wonders, would you rather have a Dorito like yummy?

Right?

I know, Dorito.

But the broccoli at this point, I get it.

Me neither. Let's do chocolate chip cookie.

Yeah, that's my weakness.

Or steamed broccoli with a little olive oil. to itself, right? Which one fulfills on your life? This one fulfills on just like right now, who cares? I love it. And this one holds court to the rest of your life and does the work, right? And then aren't we interesting animals? There isn't one of us that doesn't like and then feel sad that we don't get the cookie, right? And then that's the dilemma we're in about forgiveness, love, facing things we don't want to face, getting like doing the work to get happy is the broccoli. Sorry everybody, if it was a chocolate chip cookie, we'd all be rocking it.

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Now back to this week's episode.

So let's talk to something that's really happening now that we're all facing, which is this sort of struggle with.

The.

Overwhelming challenges we're facing in 2020, which, you know, some of these things happen periodically, but so many things happening at once, it's like the 1918 pandemic, of the Spanish flu. It's the Great Depression and it's the 1968 race riots all happening the same week.

Yeah.

And it creates a sense of powerlessness, helplessness. I mean, I'm experiencing it. I'm experiencing, God, what's happening to America? I mean, I had dinner last night with, you know, a former senator and secretary of state and he was talking about our standing in the world and how, you know, when he was Secretary of State, he would go to different countries and to tell them how they have to have integrity about this or that. And they look at us like, really? Who are you kidding? Like, you don't have your trap together. Like, when you get your, you know, what together, you know, maybe we can have a conversation. But, you know, how do we, how do we deal with our own sense of helplessness, hopelessness, and overwhelmed because I think I was doing okay until like this George Floyd thing happened and you know it sort of exposed a lot of the underlying cracks in our society that were just about to blow open but got exploded with what's happening. And it's not just here, it's around the world, you know, the divisiveness, the hatred, the racism, the conflict, and all of a sudden people around the world are for protesting, for understanding, for love, for justice, for peace, for like, it's like, whoa. And yeah, there's disruptive forces in it all, but there's incredible outpouring of enough is enough. Like, enough is enough. And, and yet as individuals, I think a lot of us are feeling, God, how do we navigate this? How do we, how do we emerge from this? How do we design our life? It's one thing to talk about. Let's, you know, create your dreams and design your life. I mean, well, the world's falling apart, and what do you, How do you help people navigate this moment?

No one's asking. I have the, so.

I.

The world, the world, everyone's paying attention right now, but the world was actually just horrendous last November, right? There wasn't a lack of, that we're now aware of it and upset about it, is a lot healthier than denial.

Mm-.

Right?

And I was so messed up that Trump came after Obama. I thought we won the war, right? All wars. I was like, oh, yeah. I don't do politics, but I would like a woman. we could get a gay woman president. It would knock out who it was, right? Like, I am equality junkie, right? I'm like, how can we get this done as fast as possible?

Right?

And then what we found is that's not actually true for, like, that's like really rocking in New York, but New York ain't everywhere. And so the illusion blew up and then everyone has to actually face that we didn't fix what we wanted fixed, which then should get everybody up in arms. And I really do think if you meet my three kids and their relationship to caring about politics and what's happening versus me when I was in a messed up world in the 1970s, like huh?

Right?

Nothing.

Right?

So I I really do pull out the Dalai Lama, like human evolution is going to take thousands of years, people. Like, oh, it's long time to deal with what's wrong with us. And so here we are in our privileged, call it 100 years we each get, which is a blink in Time, but our chance to make a difference or right. And so all I want to do the more the world is in distress is succeed at the lane I pick, right? I still just want people to write their parent letters. I still just want you to face your death. I still want you like as an individual to deal with being present in your life and design your life. So I don't think anything changed. I think people are more conscious to things that are messed up on earth and could mess you up personally. And I even think this entire season, COVID season, has dropped people out of their heads of do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do to hearts of of everyone just got slowed and everyone has to deal with, are you okay at home? Do you even like your home? Do you like who you're with at home? How's home? Are you eating and drinking more or are you doing more? Are you out of work right now and what are you gonna do about it? So I just still only care about the individual being true to themselves and realizing how great they are. And I just wanna kick your butt to get what you want right now, you need right now. And if you are committed to making a difference in the world, it's a good time, because the list is real.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. Did that help? It did, yeah. I think people are trying to figure out how do we take this moment and use it in a way that actually creates something good out of it because it's a horrible moment in history. And I think, you know, each of us have the opportunity out of that crisis to create something good. I mean, in Chinese, the character for crisis is actually comprised of two characters or two ideograms. One is danger, and the other is opportunity. So with danger, you know, comes also opportunity. I think we can sort of succumb to the fear, negativity, or we can go, okay, how do I show up? How do I serve? And I've seen this with, you know, the whole George Floyd catastrophe and murder is that people are showing up, that people are expressing themselves, people are wanting to white people are wanting like, well, how am I a racist? I don't even understand how does this work and how do I learn about it? And there's people actually trying to make a difference. That's really helpful to me, even though there's a lot of dark forces at work. I think there's a lot of people who are really waking up, which really is great. And I think that's great.

Yeah, I also say that the bad guys have no problem wanting power and control. It's the good guys that are totally not hoarding power, money and control like we need to, you know, except I teach people to tell the truth, face your lies and deal with loving the work of yourself.

Yeah, so let's talk about that. you know, you, you, how do you, how do you begin to sort of build your life in a way that makes you feel fully alive and fulfilled to get your dreams? If you don't love yourself. And how do you, how do you sort of come out of what's happening now or people lost their jobs when their lives are affected all sorts of ways, when things have changed, dating, finding love? I mean, it's like, you know, it's like they have virtual Tinder now. so, you know, people often were on a track and they felt like they had a vision and now they feel like things are upside down and they can't get to where they want. So what do you say to those people?

Pivot. Pivot. And what pivot means is that you're totally capable of rebooting a new plan and chasing a new plan at any time, right? So you get divorced, it doesn't mean you're never gonna have love again. Really, you might not go looking for it, make sure you get yourself in a place where that's what you're going to look for and deal with it, but it isn't that anything is possible if you're willing to go for it and do the work. So that's number one. And I believe that. I don't care who you are, I don't care how many, I don't care what happened to your job. I will help you find another job because anything, I really do believe everything is possible. for an individual if they're willing to chase it and have enough conversations about it, honestly. Okay, so what really matters is you know what you want and you have the integrity to get it. And when I talk about integrity, I'm always talking about your actions. Now, the other thing that really drives people crazy which I talk about way too much, is your inner dialogue, the way you talk to yourself. So if someone says, I don't love myself, right? And I'm like, no, the voice in your head is an asshole, right? Like, no, no, your higher self is muzzled? Where is she? Where is he? What happened? Let's get it like nothing is true. humans. Nothing's fact over there. No one's stuck forever. Nothing's true.

Right?

Truth is something you believe, and that's very fishy, right? Because we, whoa, right? And so what I start to unravel is that your thoughts create, your feelings create, your actions all at the same time. And you don't see them happening. But if you and get conscious to what the voice in your head is saying, you can take on one area of your life. And funny enough, I love people taking on food. Especially on your diet, right? You're not hungry people. This is not a diet, right? This is not calorie management, right? So this is just eat damn healthy and you won't be that hungry soon.

That's true.

Right?

Right?

And so that's ideal to hear your inner dialogue chasing a drink, chasing a cookie, chasing why you deserve it, chasing... Like you have to get to know yourself and what the voice is saying in any area you're suffering or loathing or disappointed or feel depressed.

Well, sometimes your inner dialogue you think is actually you. That's the problem. It's like there's no separation between the story you're telling yourself and what you actually think is true.

So, you know, most people can't even tell they just said something to themselves. Like, they're like, huh? Right.

So we've been working on something for me recently around my sleep because, you know, my sleep gets disrupted. I travel 50 of the time in different beds here and there, and I have a little story about it and tell myself all this nonsense. And I finally came begging to you after trying this many times with you, and I was like, I just. I need help. And you know, you just-- well, no, no, no.

It was even cooler because your fantasy had a solution that if you ever stayed in one place, so it had a theory. You had a whole theory that it's all because of this, it's all because of this, it's all because of this, it's all that-- like it's all because of these things. That if I ever got home long enough and slept in my bed long enough and my like cute wife was over there long enough, it'd be good.

Yeah, it's true.

Yeah, no. Yeah, no, how about that? So the voice is in a constant only if, only if, yeah, but, yeah, but like, it's crazy.

Yeah, like last night I was like, oh, well, I went out to a friend's place for dinner and had some wine. We stayed up really late and I usually don't stay up that late. So I'm thinking, oh, the wine is going to make me not sleep. Oh, if I stay up late, I have to get up early to get somewhere. So, like, am I not gonna sleep? And then I'm not gonna fall asleep. And then if I wake up, am I gonna fall back asleep? And so I had this whole thing going on that was just BS that had nothing to do with anything even before I even went to sleep. And it's like an example of that in your dialogue. I'm like, oh, that's set up. Like, that's like. It's like. So it's. You have the ability to kind of recognize it and then notice it and then understand it's not true, and it's.

Just this voice that.

You need a different voice saying something else.

So then I just-- well, then I ask you to go-- so what happens is I get you to trail your negative inner dialogue, so at least you know who's-- sorry, everyone, I like to curse-- manafucking with your life, right? Like, it's seeing the future and you don't sleep in it, right? It's seeing the future, you don't make money next month, you're seeing the future, you don't-- right-- and it's negative. Over 80% of our thoughts are negative, so that's the work we have to do. And so once you start to hear the voice, then I tell you that's your lower self.

Right.

And your higher self gets to respond to your lower self. And I call it a talk back. Like talk back to that voice. Like HS, higher self, talk back to LS, lower self.

Right?

And then all of a sudden, you start to get that the negative inner dialogue is genius because it tells you what you actually want to say. Like your issue about sleep is likely not disappearing for your life, Mark. So if people overeat, if people don't like to exercise, if people overdrink, you will be signing up for that issue for the rest of your life, please. I'm sorry. You've been signed up. You weren't at the gate. I'm sorry. But get over it. Get used to it. Let's win. So then your lower self says something and you're like, Shut up. Here's what I really think. I'll be so tired. I'll sleep like a baby. So then you can have another belief. Counter the lower belief.

It'S so powerful. I feel like I've sort of really broken that down when I didn't, I mean, I've known his work and I, but I really didn't see how I was doing that to myself because I had a really, very, very convincing inner dialogue. And I think right now people are struggling and I think it's important the narrative story we tell ourselves. And, you know, I think it's powerful. And I think right now we're, we're, we're shifting how we're doing things, we're shifting the way we're learning. And I think, you know, I just want to share with people that this is something that it will change your life. If you, if you focus on working with your mind in the way that Lauren is talking about, it's transformational, and it brings so much peace and happiness, even in the midst of chaos, which is what we're in now. And we all need that. And, you know, we're doing all these things online now. We're now my podcast online, which was never my intention. And you have this incredible coaching course called Inner your with a U, like University. So it's like Inner University is kind of a cool idea. And the tagline is Inner your helps you learn to human better, which is great. We all want to be better humans. And it gives people all kinds of tools to help them do the things we're talking about right here in this podcast to get unstuck. to get wildly happy, to get thriving where it matters the most in your relationship to yourself, to your career, to love, your body, money, time, all that.

And we give buddies, we give you a, so people can get, like the most fun people.

Tell us how it works, how does this course work and what kind of, and why can this work so well online?

It's like 25 minute podcast talks, my best work in modules that comes with homework examples, but it's all digitally there. You just click and you start to listen, right? And it takes you on a deep ride and it has, you know, Elena Brower's reading her parent letter. It's like best in class stories, real people. Like I made it as good as I can make the content and as short as I can make it so you get kind of hunched right away and laughing and get it. And we're very self-deprecating. We tell all our own real stories. And then there's homework that you can do online and in a private, inner you world that if you ever end up wanting a coach or you have a buddy or you want to post something or you want to just track your own private journal and journey, It's all right there. And then the work is all about you getting to know yourself. Now, what we do is we have master classes. Do they cost you anything? No, you already paid once. Once you get in the door, you're good.

Right?

If you ever want to hire a coach, that's an upsell. You don't need one because we have master classes.

Right?

And we also give away, like what we do is we have accountability buddies. And so you can start to people from around the world. People are putting together their own groups, people, and then we all have a Zoom connection because we do all our master classes on Zoom. And we've been doing this for years, people. And so it is work on yourself, connect with people, talk about, and we do, everything's free once you're in the door.

How do you know if it's right for you? How do people know if it's something they should do.

If you don't want to take a lot of new actions and deal with yourself, run.

Which I actually did when I first met you. I ran. Took me like six or seven months to come back and let you in the door. It's like, I don't want to deal. Go away. Ignore you.

Right.

So if you're not ready to face things, Like, you know you'd leave your husband if you really started to tell the truth, right? And you'd actually have to stop-- and if you stopped drinking, you would have to really leave your husband, right? So if you're in a terrible bind and you're not ready to tell the truth about it, we're the last thing you should do. But we should be the thing in your back pocket that when you're ready, we'll get you out of-- we'll shift your life within a month. We start rocking from the minute you say, okay, I'm ready to tell the truth. I'm ready to change my life. This shit works, but you have to go, I'm ready. And if you're not ready, you don't have to be ready. I don't make people ready. That's not my, I am not gonna convince you because this is real and deep.

Yeah, it's true. It's true. And I did run and it was because I didn't want to leave my wife. my life and I needed to. And I finally got out of that. But thank you. So this is actually an incredible course because, you know, I've worked closely with Lauren for years, and it's a privilege, but not everybody can do it. It's expensive and it's worth it for sure. But, and I do refer people to her, but this is scalable and this, the humanity needs this. And I would say, how do you know if this is the right program for you? I would say just ask yourself this one question. Are you human? and if the answer is yes, I think it's the right course for you. Yeah.

And just so you know, people, if you don't like it, we, we, we are the people who give you your money back. Yeah. Like, we respond to a complaint. Like, you want your money back? We're those people. We really are those people. Not maybe, right? Not maybe.

Well, that sounds like a foolproof thing, right?

It's just my.

There's no risk.

If you don't love us, don't have us. I don't want your money. I only. want money that people want to pay because they're happy to do it. So that's one thing. And the other thing is that.

We.

Have found that inner you, just listening to it, like hit the audit button, like I'm promising to do no homework and just whitewash myself, like through the wash over. Even the word white sounds I'm like, white-washing. Right?

No.

Anyway, Joe. Just listening to it is profound and makes changes immediately versus how much, like twice as much success if you actually do the work. But people, if you just want to listen and audit, you keep it for life. You can come to all our classes. You can cut, like, it's even if you just want people telling the truth and you want to hear what everybody's doing. to face all their fears were that gang.

That's amazing. Well, anybody who's interested can go to website HandelGroup.com/MarK-Hymen. That's me, HandelGroup.com/MarK-Hymen. They can get 50% off, which is $325 using Hymen75. It's a special coupon for our podcast listeners. Hymen75.

May you have a click, Martin?

Yes, please. And it's an incredible offer. I mean, you get lifetime access, you get 12 audio coaching sessions from Lauren Zander herself, one free private coaching session with a Handel coach.

Do you hear that, people?

That's right. Access to Inner University and the six-week coaching boot camp with a Handel Group coach, 14 homework assignments, the interactive promise tracker to make sure you are accountable and track your promises and consequences. It's an incredible program. And honestly, without Lauren in my life, I think I would be successful but very unhappy and also probably not so healthy. So, I'm so grateful to her and the work of the Hale Group and encourage you to get started with your Hyman 75 coupon@halegroup.com/markhyman and I'm just so excited to learn more and get the benefit that I have because I've never been happier in my life, regardless of what's happening on the outside. And that's the point, right?

I wish that for everyone, right? Because it really makes everything else that you want to deal with in the world more possible because you're connected to, you're doing it for the world. And that is an act of love.

Well, thank you for all the love. Thank you for all the love you give to me, to all the people in the world to humanity. This is what functional medicine is for the body. This is for the soul and the mind. So I would highly encourage you to check it out. If you love this podcast, please share with your friends and family on social media. Leave a comment. We'd love to hear from you. Tell us how you do with the course and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. And we'll see you next time on the Doctor's Pharmacy.