Are you Going Through a Massive Change?

Hey, babes. I'm so happy to see you today. It is right before the fourth of July holiday and there's a lot of time for just resting and relaxing. And this Fourth of July is really quite a lot different than they were in the past. Right. There's fireworks have been canceled here where I live, and big group gatherings aren't happening. And so it's really different. And today I wanted to talk about how do we deal with major changes? How do we deal with drastic changes that happen in our lives? And what about that makes it so difficult? Have you ever gone through a huge change? Are you going through a huge change right now? And is it disruptive? And if it is, in what way? Are you finding that you're having a harder time sleeping or are you finding that you're more irritable or maybe you're not remembering things as well and your brain is more foggy and you're more forgetful, or it's harder to find your words? Or have you noticed that your relationships around you that people just see seem off where people who are normally really copacetic, relaxed, all good, maybe they're a little bit edgy. Have you had any misunderstandings with people that you love? Something that feels like it came totally out of the blue, atypical for that relationship and things are just off? Have you been noticing that? The question is, how do we deal with that and what's going on? And the answer is found in the understanding of how the brain works. And I think once we understand how the brain works, the tips on what to do about it will make more sense. Because the way that things were are not the same that the way they are now. And therefore the brain patterns that were wired around the way they were no longer fit into how they are now. And so we have this. This conflict between the biological wiring of our brains and what is happening in our environment and when that occurs creates disequilibrium in the system. We can feel more amplified that wired and tired feeling if you resonate with that. Or it can make us feel like we're nauseated. Some of my loved ones, they're feeling it in their guts, they feel nauseated, they feel like they can't. They don't have a good enough appetite. Or maybe the opposite, like they're stressing and they're coping by eating. All of the things. Do you resonate with any of this? Are your relationships just feeling slightly off? Is your sense of comfort and equilibrium just a little bit off? Years ago, I remember going into a store And I'm walking through the store, and something just feels really off. Off and weird and different. And it was disturbing to me. And it's not that whatever was off was something overtly malicious or negative or bad. It was just different. And it felt a little wonky. And I'm thinking about that, and I'm not realizing that this is what's happening. It's kind of underneath the subconscious. And I'm walking through the store, and I'm feeling kind of off. And then my husband disappears to go get his things from the aisles that he needs. And I'm getting things from my aisle, and I'm starting to worry about where he is and what's taking him so long. And then I start feeling annoyed that he isn't answering his texts. And so there's these feelings that are really atypical. So I walk in. Something is different. The first experience I have is uncertainty. And I don't know why I'm having that. I'm not dialed in yet. And then I get a little bit worried, and then I get a little bit irritable. And when that happens, my body responds, too. I don't know about you. I feel it in my chest. Where do you feel it when your body's just a little bit off balance? Where does it go? What are your little canaries? That it's just not quite right. And so I'm walking, and I'm starting to try to be more mindful about what's happening, because I don't want to be grouchy with my husband for no reason. We're in a department store. He's not required to have his phone in front of him at every moment to respond to a text that I may or may not send, right? And so I stop, I dial in, I notice my environment. And I realize there's one big thing that's different, and it was that there was no music that day. I'm used to going to this store. I've been going to this store for years. And every day they have music playing in the background. And my brain was used to having that, that stimulus. We talk about the stimuli that come into the brain and into the body, right? And even if we're not paying attention to it, that stimulus becomes a part of the gestalt of what that environment is supposed to provide for us. The lighting, the colors, the noise, the smells. There are these things that our brain starts to build associative networks around. An associative network is a network from associations. And so you walk into Starbucks. You expect to hear the sound of coffee being made, people talking, you expect to smell coffee. And if you walk in there and you smell lumber and you hear totally different sounds, it might catch you off guard, right? So this is a teeny tiny example of how one little change can disrupt the system. It can disrupt our equilibrium. And that's just a little change. And it's a benign change, right? It doesn't negatively impact my well being, it doesn't compromise my safety. But our nervous systems start to associate safety and consistency and continuity around these stimuli. And so I'm in the store, I don't even know that I've noticed there's no music playing. But my body notices and my behaviors one change as a result of that. And so if we take this and we put it in a grander scale and then we think about what do you do when you're going through a major life change? What does that look like, what happens and what do we do about it? The first thing is to acknowledge it. And we talk so much about this in the act method. The first step is to acknowledge what we resist will persist. Meaning if we don't pay attention to something, it will get louder and louder and louder until we have to pay attention. Attention. It's kind of like if your, your loved one is trying to get your attention and they say your name, hey. They say it again a little louder, a little louder. And then eventually they may just like push you or shove you and be like, hey, pay attention to me. My cavapoo does this. If she wants to go outside or she wants to play, she may kind of bump me a little bit and then it will escalate. If I don't catch on and don't dial in, maybe she'll woof quite loudly at me persistently. And it's the same with our nervous system. Something's off. It gives us data and it wants to protect us. And so you're having a major life change and there's all these different variables that just aren't fitting in with what is expected. And the nervous system doesn't like that. It responds with stress and it responds by trying to create continuity. Your body is all about homeostasis. It wants to have similar blood sugars throughout the day and night. It wants to have a rhythm in your sleep wake cycle. It wants to have certain amounts of melatonin that rise and fall. It wants to have regular amounts of testosterone and estrogen and thyroid hormone. Your body wants homeostasis. It wants consistent temperatures. That's why when people live in Arizona, AKA me, and we go to Michigan, and the temperature is so drastically different, the nervous system expresses that, right? So when we're going through a major life change or when the world around us has been totally turned upside down, the first thing to do is to acknowledge how that's impacting you, to notice, okay, this is what my body is doing. These are what my thoughts are doing. This is how it's impacting me emotionally. And acknowledge that change is a part of the fabric of our lives, that change will always happen, and that the brain and the body likes consistency. And so when change happens, it can feel dangerous. And our parks pop up and they're like, hey, something's different. The music isn't playing in the stores. Does that mean we're in danger? Or is this something bad? Why is this different? What does that mean? And so by acknowledging that change happens, that change is happening right now, and noticing that, my brain is a little disequilibriated because it's used to having consistency to some degree. And this is way different. So acknowledging it first. And so the question is, well, how do I acknowledge it? And there's a couple of ways that you can. And my favorite way is to journal. And my favorite type of journaling is brain dump journaling, where you write down everything that you're thinking, everything that you're feeling, even if it makes no sense, just write it all down, dump it into a journal and write down everything. Write down the thoughts, the associations, write down everything that's coming up for you, and make sure that you can get it down on paper in a way that feels complete, in a way that feels honoring for that. And the second thing that we want to do is we want to. We want to be able to close that journal. We want to be able to honor that space, close that journal, get it all down. We want to be able to close that space. So, okay, I'm noticing this, I'm acknowledging it, I'm writing it down. And now I'm going to close that journal. I'm going to close that space. I'm going to put it away. And then we want to clear our minds. So when we're noticing disequilibrium and that anxiety or that stress or that irritation or that fear or that pressure in your chest or that constriction in your throat or the nausea in your gut or the lack of appetite or the desire to eat, all of the things that's coming up, we put it somewhere with intentionality. We acknowledged it, we wrote it down and then we want to close it and we want to clear our mind. And so then what you're doing is you're activating these parts of the brain that are used to old patterns. And then you're acknowledging that, and then you're putting new networks in there, you're clearing your mind and you're developing an awareness, the changes that occur around you. And notice that anything that changes is changeable and that you have the power to change how you respond in times of change. So you want to clear your mind. And in the act method, we talk about acknowledging and we talk about distracting. So you acknowledge, you write it all down and then you want to redirect or distract. And a couple ways to redirect and distract that I like to use are paying attention to stimuli. And so I start to notice other things in my environment. I notice that outside there's birds chirping and I can count the different types of sounds that I hear. Or I could relocate and change the scene, or I can sip and take a drink of something that stimulates my nervous system in a different way. So you want to clear your mind and distract. And then the third thing that you want to do is create a goal or an objective because that takes the sense of powerlessness away and gives you a sense of control and power and purpose. And so in that store, I'm noticing there's no music. I acknowledge it. I, you know, I tell my parts, oh, this is weird and strange and it's okay. And I distract and I move on. And then I leave in something bigger, like a worldwide pandemic where it's a long standing, huge change, or if you lose your job or if you lose somebody, or if you're going through a divorce or if you're getting married, something huge like that, you want to try to create a sense of purpose, a sense of control, and a goal that feels accessible and achievable for you. And so start with something small. Even deciding to journal or going to the bookstore and purchasing a journal. Something small where you feel a sense of control. Like, okay, the world around me is chaotic right now and there's a lot of change. And I can't change or fix that in a huge, drastic way that I can make small changes. And so when you're thinking about what you're going to do after you watch this video and listen to what we're talking about today, pick one thing that you can do today to either create comfort or to brain dump or to make a goal for yourself, Exercise goals Can be really helpful in a couple of ways. One is that it changes the scene and you go and you exercise. Whether you walk outside, it's 90 degrees here where I am right now. So, you know, maybe doing that closer in the evening, taking your dog for a walk or doing burpees in your living room, or maybe pulling up a yoga YouTube video and doing 10 minutes of that. Whatever it is, pick one thing that you can do. The other is to create an intention with okay, so I'm noticing all this change is happening. I am working on becoming empowered. I'm working on doing one thing each day. And what is my intention? This. Does that mean that I'm going to use this time to convalesce and heal? Does it mean that I'm going to use this time to finish a book that I've been wanting to read? Does it mean that I'm going to use this time to create a new painting or catch up with old friends? Or does it mean that I want to change my diet or do something different? Whatever it is, is. Imagine creating a list of intentions, maybe even write that down. And then figure out in as much detail as possible, Just kind of visualize it, mentally examine it, and then just imagine what you can do to make your attentions come through. One thing that's been coming up a lot lately is there's stress, there's controversy, there's disagreements. People are coming at each other from all the sides, and that can create a huge amount of stress. That's taking the grocery store, the music, or wherever you are, that's taking that. And then we're 10xing that. And so let's see. It's a huge, scary, controversial time. And trusting that you can make a positive impact is really important in that is having purpose, having goals, but making sure it's something that feels accessible to you. And so you might think about when you're going through major life change, to think about how can I deal with this in a way that is positive for me and that can positively impact other people? And as you're doing your brain journaling and as you're doing your dumping is maybe just start to examine what are my fears when it comes to change? What am I worried about? What is this provoking? So as we were talking about in the beginning with the neuroscience, your brain creates these associative networks. Your brain likes to create these pockets of like, I go here and this is what I expect. And if that isn't the case, it could be really disequilibriating and so the question is, why was this pocket developed to begin with? Is it just, I go to Target and, you know, they play music and life is good, or is there something that's associated with that? So if you think of, like, that ball of yarn, is there a tendril or a thread that goes to a different ball of yarn? Of if something is different, that means it's dangerous? And does that go to a different ball of yarn where that may have happened to you when you were younger, where things seemed a little bit off and it turned out to be really scary and dangerous. And so unpacking the past, this may be an opportunity to figure out what happened in your past that could be impacting you today. And that's a part of the act method, too, is we acknowledge. We acknowledge how we feel. We acknowledge who we are. And then the second part of that is your origin story, is we look at where you came from, from. Because in order to figure out where you want to go and to manifest your intentions and to create a goal going forward, we have to understand how you got to where you are today. And so identifying your fears about change and figuring out what's underneath of how you're feeling today is a really big part of you being able to move forward. And the second thing about that is to be curious and to be fascinated and to be courageous. So as you're engaging in this process, do it from a sense of empowerment. Do it from a sense of, I want to understand why I feel this way. These are just my little parts giving me information, and I want to understand them better so that I can use this time of disequilibrium to create a new foundation that fits into this new norm. And then the last part that I want to talk to you about is to pay attention to what you're saying to yourself. Some of my warriors, when I talk to them, they're like, I can't deal with change. I am an absolute failure when it comes to managing big things happening around me. I just deconstruct everything, and it's a disaster. The language that they're speaking has already put a period at the end of their sentence. And there is a lot to the quote, fake it till you make it. Where when we're faking it and we're doing something, even though our other parts, that existing narrative, says that it's not possible, that we can't do it, that it's inauthentic, it isn't real, what you're actually doing in those moments by persevering through that initial period of feeling worse is you're creating new clusters, you're creating new networks, you're creating new associations, you're creating a new brain. Alexander Shia talks about the Camino and he talks about how before you go on the Camino, which is this giant, amazing, life transforming hike, over 500 miles, it goes through Portugal and Spain, and he takes people on this hike. And before you go on the Camino, there's all this information about how to prepare, there's information on what to pack and how to train. And when we think about that, metaphorically, we think about this is where we are in our life, for example, pre Covid or pre divorce or pre whatever it is that you're going through pretty big change and there's all sorts of information out there on how to prepare for change. And then when you go on the Camino and you're hiking and it talks about like, how do you make a fire, how do you behave in that change? There's tons of information on that. But then there isn't a lot of information on what happens after the transformation. So after a divorce, after we lose our jobs, after a pandemic, after the loss of a loved one, it won't be the same again. That music in the store, it's turned off. The store is different now. And so the question is, is what do we do with that? And we have to expect to feel uncomfortable with what's unfamiliar. And we have to create new messages, we have to create a new way of being, we have to create a new ball of yarn, if you will, because the old one doesn't fit, the old one doesn't fit anymore. Things have changed, you've changed, the world around you has changed. And so by going through these steps, by acknowledging it, writing it all down, creating space to partition that and distract so that you're not constantly inundated with it, Deconstructing your origin story, where you came from, those tendrils that may be coming out that are unpacking themselves after you've done the Camino, and then being intentional about what changes can you make? What positive impact can you make? What kind of, what kind of manifestation do you want to put out in the world? What goal or objective can you do to one thing each day, whether it is just legit? I'm gonna sleep, I'm gonna lay in bed all day. That's a goal for you then that's amazing. And honor that. But also allow yourself to try to be comfortable with the unfamiliar. And then the more that you practice this, being mindful, being intentional, the more that your nervous system will start to be creative and rewire and change and adapt and grow. A great example of this is Dr. Frankl, Viktor Frankl, and he wrote the book A Man's Search for Meaning. And he had this life and then the Holocaust happened. And he saw all of his loved ones and his friends, his family, they were all killed in the Holocaust before his eyes. He saw it and he was a survivor. He was able to survive the concentration camps. And then he. He wrote this book and he had an entire world. He had what he loved, he had what existed. Everything changed, everything fell apart, everything was destroyed. And then he had to create something new out of the ashes. And so if you're feeling that way right now, if you feel like your world has been just burned, burned to shreds, if everything feels like it's falling apart, know that you're not alone. Know that your brain is responding in a way that it's naturally intended to respond. And know that one day at a time that you can start to unpack, that you can start to heal, that you can start to. You can start to rebuild anew. And it will never be the same. It may never be okay, but you can push through, you can, you can heal in whatever way that looks like for you. And so when it comes to dealing with when life changes around you, the first thing I want you to do today, loves, is when you end this video, I want you to brain dump everything out. And then I want you to decide what's one thing that I can do? What is that one thing that I can change? How can I be intentional and then come back and visit us. We have a free group, it's the Anxiety Freedom Warriors Group, and it's on Facebook. And it's just a safe, protected, private community where you can come in and be safe. And the research shows that community is profoundly important in terms of our ability to get well. And when we can't go and be amongst people, we have to be intentional in being with people in a protected, safe platform. And so I have that for you and it's totally free and I would love for you to be there. We'll make sure to put the link in the comments. And when you go there, we also have a book, it's called the One Week Anxiety Freedom Challenge. It's totally free. It's going to be 14 tips and emails and videos and lots of strategies like what we talked about today to help you get your life back. I also have a free webinar. So if you're dealing with a lot of physical symptoms, check out the Somatographic Webinar that I created. It's a technique that I use that will help you dial into your parts into your body, especially if you get that chest in the throat and stomach and the muscles and the soreness, the sleeplessness, all of those things. So check it out. It's also free. And I'll be back here every Wednesday and Friday. And I'm here to support you. If there are things that you would love to hear about or topics that you'd love to talk about, let us know in the comments or send us a DM. And I'm honored that you're here. I'm Dr. Nicole Caine. You can learn more about me by going to www.drnicolecane.com. all right, my loves, I hope you have a peaceful Fourth of July. And I will see you guys next week. Take care.